Opera
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“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
~ Ed Gardner on opera
Opera is a participatory performance art form enjoyed by the rich but often about poor. Designed to produce embarrassment among the uninitiated and to be used by the cruel and ignorant to puff up their own insignificant but oversized egos, opera draws on the primary elements of theater such as large orchestras, scenery, costumes, and acting - specifically luxury boxes, tuxedos, evening gowns, and ostentatious displays of wealth.
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[edit] Theater of the Absurd
The performance of opera is accompanied by a large number of people who dress up in ugly outfits and scream at each other (usually in the right key). The activity on stage (and resulting noise) is designed as an inconsequential distraction to the actual spectacle off-stage. Since respectable performers aren't crazy enough to get up on stage, managers of opera houses will typically visit local asylums to rent some "crazies" for a evening's show.
Typically, opera lyrics are not sung in Swahili or any other language. This is designed to cause mass confusion among audiences, who are used to watching cows penguins duck-billed platypuses fat people singing shit that they can understand. In many cases, this has touched off riots due to the omission of any universally known language - thus extending the opera beyond the confines of the opera house. In 1830, a particulaly successful display by Pentacostal preacher Adolphe Nourrit sparked the Belgian Revolution.
In 1916, French artist Marcel Duchamp famously sold recordings of the caterwauling on the opera stage as "music," launching the Dada movement.
[edit] Naming the Art Form
“Opera, Oprah. Oprah, Opera”
~ David Letterman on the 67th Academy Awards telecast
The name of the art form was selected to cause baffle audiences, because of the similarities between "Opera" and "Oprah." The fact of Oprah looked like Free Willy on a diet also increased the confusion.
This confusion was used to provoke the audience to get involved in the opera shows and annoy those in attendance. A frightened State of New Jersey called in dozens of air strikes on the Metropolitan Opera in New York's Lincoln Center. For good measure, the attacks also target Broadway theaters. Radiation from the attacks still causes mutations in New York, such as an unseparated bone going all the way through many New Yorkers' middle fingers. This confuses visitors, who are used to this being a greeting.
Admittedly, the confusion caused by opera has diminished somewhat, now that Oprah is a slim-bunny.
[edit] It Ain't Over
There are only two known ways to end an opera:
- Just get up and leave.
- Have the
plump, rotund, globe-shapedfat-as-hell lady sing. *
- *It should be noted that recent trends in opera require singers to maintain slimmer physiques as the filth from Broadway and American Idol have begun to infiltrate public expectations of the 'perfect image'. Considering the average professional opera singer's schedule (wake up at 10, rehearse/study, perform 8-11pm, gorge self on food/schmooze until 1am, sleep, wake up at 10...), this is not an easy task. Also, it is important to realize that the heavier, Wagnerian sopranos that have become the symbol of the 'fat lady' is really not at all applicable to opera as a whole. (See ignorant comment above.)
[edit] Religion
Opera is also a religious practice. Early communists tried to stamp it out as a belief, but there still are true worshipers. Little is known, but the practice has been witnessed frequently at La Scala.
The effects of this cult practice can be witnessed early in a singer's every day life. It involves such fanatical actions as drinking 2L of water a day, denouncing coffee and alcohol, avoiding garlic and onions like the plague, sleeping regularly, and obsessively observing what overly-patient spouses/life partners fear or wish for most: vocal rest. It may also manifest itself in strange new interests, such as martial arts, Alexander technique and "balancing" one's life. So much of singing is mental...that many singers go mental. Get my drift?
[edit] See Also
