Opeth
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“Boy... That song was over before I could say "snakes on a motherfucking plane" in Swedish.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Opeth
“Whoaaa! I think I see the silhouette of some chick standing in the mist!”
~ Opeth on Opium
“Omg dudes, I'm having these weirdass anxiety attacks again, can't you get that fat dude from Strapping Young Lad or the dude with the bow from Lord Of The Rings to replace me?!!”
~ Martin Lopez on Opium
“In Soviet Russia, death paints SERENITY !!'”
~ Broken Russian Reversal on The Opeth Show
“What the fuck is with the lepers man”
~ Some Guy on talking about lepers
“No, I don't feel gay”
~ male Opeth fan on having sex to Opeth albums
“who cares if i have sex to an Opeth song, thats pretty damned long”
~ male Opeth fan on having sex to Opeth albums
“pfft if only his penis was as long as an Opeth song”
~ female Opeth fan on having sex to Opeth albums
“I hate them so much for bieng more popular then me, i'm NOT even going to give them a car when they're in my audience”
~ Oprah on Opeth
Opeth is an African American female talk show host who is a friend and concubine of all the members of the swedish metal band Oprah. She often alternates between being heavy and light. Fans describe her as "aged and brown". In her spare time, she enjoys standing in (and on occasion dispelling) the mist, putting out pyres with a watering can, and bearing her pain in the wilderness. Occasionally one of her lovers comes to visit her, whilst passing swiftly through a moor. Surprisingly, Opeth is very popular with metal fans.
[edit] Show Topics
Her shows often have touching emotional topics such as:
- Lepers: Does anybody feel an affinity for them?
- "There's a blank face in my windowpane!" : Protecting yourself from stalkers.
- Home and Gardening tips: How to keep your orchid from wilting, and where to hang lonely photographs.
- Home and Gardening Tips II: How to make your black roses immortal.
- Home and Gardening Tips III: How to show some Patterns in that Ivy.
- Home and Gardening Tips IV: How to prevent mist from forging through the cracks in the wall.
- Master's Apprentice Farming Tips: When to Harvest and its relation to Fengshui and Karma.
- How to keep your hounds from baying: What to do in your time of need.
- My daughter is only 13 and already she wants to paint her death with serenity!
- Safety in parks with Black water: how to keep yourself from slipping beneath the mire.
- Health Care: Advice on how and how not to rid the disease. (authors sidenote the House MD)
- Chupacabra Awareness: How to spot Ruby eyes in the fog.
- Singing: Making up lullabies and the importance of whispering.
- Fitness and Fashion: Advice on how not to be another rotting body clad in ancient clothes!
- Paranormal appearances: "I had a ghost reverie!"
- The Grand Conjuration: how to cope with impotence.
- Into The Frost Of Winter: which colour will you be wearing after the fall?
- Funeral decoration for wildlife casualties: Wreaths for badgers attack victims.
- The Swedish Postal Service: The Story of 'Deliverance'.
- "It was me (the blank face) peering through the looking glass..." - Romance from the stalker's perspective.
- 'Still day beneath the sun' - 12 ways to avoid heat stroke under the searing Swedish sun.
- "White face a tense grip" How to Avoid Michael Jackson
- Social Guidance: For those Absent of Friends
- Picking up chicks: Hours of Wealth and how to rid resulting disease
[edit] Rarely Known Facts
- A man called Mikael Åkerfeldt (also known as Metal Jesus), part of the Opeth camera crew, once attempted to kick Chuck Norris in the Roundhouse theater, where he was filming a performance of an obscure Death metal band. Chuck Norris allegedly jumped into the mosh pit, and swiped it away with one massive roundhouse kick. Åkerfeldt was upset because the awesome power of the kick caused a rift in the space time continuum, resulting in the destruction of his film. In a moment of blind overconfidence, he then attempted to undo the destruction of his film by using his Death Metal vibe assault kick on Chuck Norris. Norris stopped the attack by using one fifth of the vibrational transition energy of one of his beard hair molecules. As punishment for this inane attack on his awesome person, Chuck Norris proceeded to change all of Åkerfeldt's friends into birds with his supreme awesomeness, and roundhouse kicked them all to Pluto. It is said Åkerfeldt was influenced by this event to write songs with titles such as "For Absent Friends" and "Isolation Years".
- Opeth is known to sleep only with men called Martin. After sleeping with them once, she bids them farewell under the weeping moon, and drowns them beneath the mire. She was once arrested for this, but as with all black people committing murder, she was acquitted.
- Every track off of Opeth's ninth studio album, Watershed, was inspired by Metallica's masterpiece, "Invisible Kid," from their flawless album, St. Anger.
- It is estimated that up to 55% of all Opeth fans are also fans of Steve Wilson's Porcupine Tree, making it impossible for one to co-exist without the other having such a shared fan base. This is known as the Porcupeth epidemic.
- Mikael Åkerfeldt used to regularly drink calpol with Oscar Wilde until an unfortunate accident at Stafford train station in 1923 involving a cat, a garlic crusher and a Tory MP.
- Opeth fanboys are addicted to kitten huffing and are devout followers of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.
- Opeth's favorite band is Anothor.
- Opeth have been ranked highly in various lists of music to have sex to, being voted #5 by fans in Time Magazine's top 100 of '03.
- It is said that Mikael Åkerfeldt is quite good at fixing a pair of jeans.
- In Sydney, Australia Opeth fans have been known to gather at La Parouse nudist beach and wear cock rings while tattooing their favourite Opeth album artworks on their fallaces. Detictives in the local area have put an end to this as members of NAMBLA have been disguising themselves in order to meet teenage boys aged 14-17.
- Opeth fans in Granville have lobbied to the band to visit their suburb, but to no avail as at February 18 2008. Michael has refused to answer questions on this matter in recent interviews.
- The band Trivium is rumored that it's their coats that makes these wands out of Opeth, in their song "Pull Harder On The Strings Of Your Martyr."
- The use of illegal Opeth is commonly used as an abused substance, mainly by Heavy Metal Socialists. An except from an interview in 1999 by CNN:
Interviewer: Why do you use Opeth? Does it give a rush? Heavy Metal Socialist: KOS UR MOM ROFLROLF!OL!!!!!!!!!!
[edit] Escapades Involving Mikael Åkerfeldt
As told by Shiv the Impaler
Far beyond the Northwaves, in the hidden fjords of Carpathia, lies a wonderland of special magnificence. Here, the roads are paved with bacon, people use steak as plates and trays, and it hails bacon-bits and mini sausages. There was a lemur who dreamed of one day reaching this promised land of carnivorous indulgence. This lemur went by the title of Count Grishnahk the Putrifactor. He spent most of his time editing Wikipedia and impaling hamsters. He was of the opinion that, though the entire reason for their existence may be completely preposterous, the Pro-Aryan crusaders of the world have to be given a pat on the back for their persistence. Anyways, Varg-er, I mean Count Grishnahk REALLY wanted to go to this meat place. So he booked a flight using travelocity.com (fully endorsed by William Shatner, mind you). His current profession only giving him a marginal amount of income, he had to fly coach, but he was flying coach to SCANDANAVIA, and that’s all that mattered. His flight was completely uneventful, minus the fact that his squishy pillow leaked all the little squishy beads all over his hair, and that sucked. Besides that, nothing special happened, and I’m not going to elaborate on his flight no matter what you do. Ever. So stop asking. Anyways anyways, he arrived in Sweden only to find the legendary MIKAEL AKERFELDT (the dude from Opeth, you jerk) enjoying a nice cup of coffee, exactly the way a cup of coffee should be: black, grim, and in league with Satan. Grishnahk decided to approach the very calm, reasonable, Swedish man.
“Pardon me sir, is this the Transylvania Station?” asked Count Grishnahk
“Ya, ya. Track 29. Oh, would you like a shine?” replied MIKAEL (it’s the dude from freaking Opeth! Holy crap!) AKERFELDT
“Uh…no thank you” Grishnahk responded to Akerfeldt’s response
They both laughed at the never-not-awesome reference to Young Frankenstein they just made. Because EVERYONE likes Mel Brooks. FOREVER.
“So where are you headed, lad?” inquired MIKAEL FREAKING HOLY CRAP I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ACTUALLY IN HIS PRESENCE AKERFELDT
“Oh, just to the hidden fjords of Carpathia, you know. Far beyond the Northwaves and such. I plan on moving under the light of the weeping Wintermoon. It’s a place called Blashyrkh. Meat paradise, and not in the gay way. Moreso the “PETA really hates this” way.” explained Grishnahk
“Shway business. I go there every now and again. It’s good times. They have a great little place where you can bikes fixed and stuff.” contributed Mikael OMFG I STILL CAN’T GET OVER THE FACT THAT HE’S A REAL PERSON Akerfeldt
With all that being said, they set off to rent the cherriest of all rental cars. Once they had secured a totally bangin’ mauve-hued PT Cruiser, they set off on their epic journey of maximum winning adventure. But first they applied a proper amount of corpse paint, and sacrificed an all-too-happy-looking bunny that was annoying to look at.
The first trial they had to overcome was the spirit of Euronymous, the leader of a tribe of way-too-drunk-when-they-get-interviewed-by-Canadians Satanists who called themselves MAYHEM.
“None shall pass!” Euronymous yelled, totally misquoting Gandalf from Lord of The Rings
“It’s my body I do what I want!” responded Grishnahk
Grishnahk then proceeded to go totally postal on his punk-ass and stabbed him. HE STABBED HIM. A LEMUR STABBED SOMEBODY! When does that kind of crap EVER happen? Are you comprehending the ridiculousness of this scenario? Whatever, the point is he stabbed him. 23 times. Two to the head, five to the neck, and sixteen to the back. It’ll go down in history. Actually, it already did, but I’ll leave that between you and Wikipedia.
So yeah, Mayhem’s leader totally took it, and now they scatter. Their main spokesdude, ironically named Dead, kills himself. They replace him with a vegetarian. Go figure. That’s two bits of irony right there. That just killed all the momentum of hilarity that was going on here. Irony and puns are the worst kinds of humor. I’m going to end this paragraph right here and stop trying to save it, because it’s hopeless.
Count Grishnahk and Mikael then proceed to head to the Carpathian Forests, towards the gateway into Blashyrkh. They run over a polar bear cub and don’t even flinch. It’s disgusting how desensitized people are to death and violence these days. Just look at you. You’re reading this story full of stabbing and death and meat and references to Canadians. You should feel like a pig. Now donate to my charity.
The Carpathian Forests are a very ethereal place. They make you think of leather, obesity and cavernous noises. One does not simply walk into the Carpathian Forest. Well, Bear Grylls does, but nobody besides him. This is why a PT Cruiser is the perfect form of protection. Nobody cares about them anymore, so nobody robs them because they figure the owner is only into stuff that sucks. Grishnahk and Akerfeldt totally plowed through the forest like nobody’s business. They took no prisoners, mostly because it’s hard to take woodland creatures as prisoners, and there’s usually no real motivation to do so in normal human beings….and lemurs. However, they ended up stumbling upon quite forced to be reckoned with. Bringing them to a halt was the mighty BEHEMOTH clan. Straight outta Poland. They get banned there a lot so they hang out in forests.
“SLAVES SHALL SERVE!” Their leader, Nergal, said in a very serious and stern way
“Um, I’m not following you” the lemur replied
“SLAVES SHALL SERVE” Nergal repeated
“Well, generally, yeah, that’s the point of slaves, but I’m not seeing how that’s relevant to anything going on right now” the lemur explained
“SLAVES SHALL SERVE!” Nergal insisted
“Still not following you, chief” Grishnahk responded
“SLAVES SHALL SERVE! SLAVES SHALL SERVE! SLAVES SHALL SERVE! SLAVES…SHALL…F*CKING SERVE!” Nergal triumphantly growled
“Ok, we’re obviously not on the same page here, so I’m just gonna go around you guys if that’s all shway with everyone. K? Alright, awesome. I’ll see you….never again” Grishnahk said, ending the pointless encounter.
And with that, Mikael and Count Grishnahk headed to the Gates of Blashyrkh. Now, as you might have guessed, gates are serious business. You can’t just walk up to one and expect to be let in. For this particular set of gates, one must prove how tr00, kvlt, grim AND frostbitten they are. Pretty serious prerequisites. Thankfully, The PT Cruiser rolled up blasting Immortal’s “Call of The Wintermoon”, effectively covering all bases. They strolled in without a problem.
Blashyrkh was appearing to have some sort of drought, as the beef fields has shriveled into beef jerky. This might sound alright, but unseasoned jerky is not a spectacular taste to be had. The lemur and the Swede ended up making it into town, only to find it a wasteland. This was it. PETA had gone too far. The lemur’s dream was crushed. He took the nearest butcher knife and decapitated himself. Mikael (Can this stop him? HELL NO IT CAN’T) Akerfeldt simply shrugged it off, and drove back to Stockholm to get some cinnamon rolls. And nobody ever found out what the hell Nergal was going on about...except Gene Hoglan.
THE END
