Oprahism
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Oprahism is a religion founded in 1999 by Oprah Winfrey which is based on the daily and mundane routines of her day to day life.
One of the worlds largest cults, lead by a the arch-demon Oprah. Its population: 54.345% of america, and rising. She lures followers into her cult, by airing a very successful show on many television networks simultaneously. The audience of her show receives special gifts for their initiation into the cult. The gifts can range anything from a bucket of KFC, to a brand new car. She often invites mass-media stars on her show to lure the masses in, little do they know, the guest are programed androids, built only with analog tube transitors.
Too often do people watch her broadcast, without realizing they are being brainwashed, there is an estimated 5.6 subliminal messages a second. The FDA is currently keeping the show under close watch, be cause there have been reports of ghastly side effects. Including, but not limited to:
- anal seepage
- mild-mannered amnesia
- Lack of aesthetic value
- Giddyness
- Excessive swelling of the love-handles
- sudden cravings to change the channel
- inability to touch that dial
- cheese leaking from one's ears
- if they were brainwashed, SEHS
Contents |
[edit] History
Many years ago in Pre-911 racist, people lived with a constant fear of nuclear and biological attack. Oprah, being the monopolizing woman that she is, saw these suffering people and thought it a wise decision to start a religion to give the frightened people of america hope. So in 1999 (year of the Ope) Oprah set out to start this religion.
The Oprah Charter Of Yong Fui's was created when Oprah went to a small chinese market called Yong-Fui's to buy some essential religious starting supplies. The shopping list consisted of ten items. This shopping list became the first religious document of Oprahism. The list is today referred to as the Oprah Charter Of Yong Fui's and is reproduced below.
- Bag of Shit
- Ramen Noodles
- Soy Sauce
- Heavy flow tampons
- Cat Meat
- Chop Sticks
- Ginseng
- One night in paris special aniversery editon.
- After Shave
- Moth Balls
- Love slaves
You may notice that soy sauce appears twice on the list, thats very astute of you. It has been argued among non-believers that this was just a regular shopping list for Oprahs daily habits. Oprahites disagree, saying that this list is the document that many of Oprahisms beliefs are based upon.
The Religious Tax Deduction of 2000 is (after the Oprah Charter Of Yong Fui's) the second most important event of the advent of Oprahism was the religious tax deduction of 2000. Oprah had started a growing religion and kept it afloat for more than a year, she saw it fit to right her religious offering off on her 2000 tax returns. She did just that and got the IRS to pay her 2million USDs. Many Oprahites believe this to be a miracle, while many people with common sense regard it as an excellent example of a tax error of the IRS.
[edit] Benefits of Oprahism
You will be on her good side, when the time for world domination comes. The all-seeing eye of oprah will not be able to find you, when the operation Oprahcaust commences.
Free Stuff. Alongside receiving yearly shipments of the contents of the Charter (yes, you get 2 bottles of soy sauce), you will be entered in a drawing, three winners are chosen every second, the prizes received are as follows:
- A year supply of acne-cream with crimefighting power
- Cheese in a basket weaved from the intestines of chinese sweatshop workers and the hairs of a thousand mongooses
- Parkay
- Partay! (for those untrendy types, thats party with an accent)
[edit] Mindset and Goals
All Oprahites think collectively, thousands of millions of bits of worthless information passes through their minds collectively. They cannot think for themselves, even that of their heartbeat, is syncronized with Oprah.
Main Goals include:
- Oprah for president
- A universe sized studio, for oprah
- Global control.. of the universe?
- Yes, you read that correctly.
[edit] The Church of Oprahism of Chuck Norris of Latter Day Saints
One of the largest sub-denominations of Oprahism. It encourages the worship of the Grand Lord Chuck Norris, father of the universe and the Holy Mother, Oprah. The Church incorporates teachings from Oprahism with the teachings of various Norrisian cults. O Magazine is regarded as holy text and daily viewing of the Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil shows are mandatory. The Church is headquartered in Brazzaville in the Democratic Republic of Congo and is headed by Lord YukYuk who is believed to be Chuck Norris' holy son.
[edit] Hell
Although Oprahism can provide many benefits if you follow its rules, there is a dark side. If you disobey one of the laws of Oprahism, you will be sent to Hell, which in Oprahism is the Dr. Phil show, a terrible, terrible place where you are kept in a small cage and fed nothing but twinkies and toaster strudel until you gain so much weight that Oprah gives you a chance to redeem yourself by saying you lost all the weight on her show through all her advice and teachings, even though you know she just lypo-suctioned her ass to a better figure.
[edit] Military Conflicts
Aside from the countless voilent assimilation missions, the followers of Oprahism have only been led into battle once: during The Real American Civil War. The Oprahists defeated their adversaries due only to their sheer numbers and the gross incompetence of Pee Wee Herman the might of the big "O."
[edit] See Only
- Oprah your supreme overlord.
