Optimism

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“If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the astounding stupidity of optimism

Optimism is a mental disease, less severe but more common than Conservatism. Though it's origins are unknown, it is believed to have started in a massive epidemic at the first Santa Clause parade in 4000 B.C. Santa denies these accusations however, and rather rudely. "You think a fatass living in exile on a melting ice cap is optimistic?" Santa claims his repetitive statement, "Ho ho ho!" was misinterpreted, to avoid questions from children such as "where do all these babies come from?" Critics believe the implications behind this statement was a pathetic attempt to hide his now widely renowned sexual deviancy, "climbing up chimneys" eating "cookies", and leaving "toys" behind, and since he travels worldwide to thousands of households, he gets more than just "some". *Cough* aaanyway..

[edit] Symptoms

The most common symptoms of optimism are bullshit and constant hysteria or hallucinations, characterized only by "Everything's ok." or "I'll be fine.", or in severe cases "The world is a happy place". The symptom that most defines this disease however is the offensive tendency to make a circus or walk in the park out of the bloodiest massacres. This ignorance often places the sufferer in constant danger.

[edit] Treatment

Fortunately, there are many effective treatments such as watching the god damn news for 10 minutes and getting informed on the constant suffering of the world. And then waste your life worrying about it.

[edit] How Can I Find Out If Im Optimisctic?

have a friend bring you a glass of beer, make sure the beer is right at the %50 level of the cup. The way you do this is to look at the eliipese and then you use mathamethical problems to figure out where the hell the middle of the cup is. After doing that you can either decide that the glass is half full witch is optimism or half empty which is pessimisim or you can chug the entire thing down. Which is being a fatass blowhard dickface who didn't even bother to let his friend have some after he poured it for you.