Orbital Mind Control Lasers
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Orbital Mind Control Lasers are an extension of the acronym OMCLs. For the rest of the article, they shall be known as either "OMCLs" or as "they" when "they" does not refer to another group of things or people. It is possible that they were built to control one's mind.
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[edit] What They Look Like
OMCLs come in many shapes and sizes. The most common are
The Obvious Massive Laser - These look like massive lasers. They are bigger than mice, cats, dogs, elephants, giraffes, and all known small asteroids named George. They have a hole at the end the laser beam comes out of, and gently un-taper to the aforementioned size. There is a seat built on at the opposite end from the laser for a user to sit upon. In front of the seat, directly on the laser, there is a big, shiny red button that says "Press Here". Most are pointed towards Earth.
The Not-So-Obvious Massive Laser - These are almost identical to the Obvious Massive Laser format, except for the fact that they are cleverly hidden behind either massive quantities of floating space-age ice cream or Obvious Massive Lasers.
[edit] How They Work
Warning - Contains extreme amounts of science and logic
OMCLs use a yellow beam of pure energy and also pure matter to get into one's mind. They get into one's mind through a sublime process known as "obviously drilling a hole through someone's head". When in one's mind, they activate the cerebral cortex, releasing extravagant quantities of dopamine, estrogen, testosterone, androgen, gynogen, and ketchup. Since all these hormones lower the abilities of a person to think, one is literally at the mercy of the OMCL user.
[edit] Who Is Controlled by OMCLs?
There are many types of people who are influenced by OMCLs. There are 3 categories, 7 subcategories, 15 sub-subcategories, and too many under-sub-categories to count.
[edit] The Obvious Victims
Paranoids - These people almost always pick up on the fact that they are under severe mind-control experiments. They will profoundly fail to not tell you about it. They may blame the CIA, the KGB, Aliens, or Baby Seals, but in reality, you really know who controls them. They may be recognised by their tin foil hats.
Delusionals - These are the people who claim that they can see Not-So-Obvious Massive Lasers. This is complete delusion, as they are incredibly well hidden behind either massive quantities of floating space-age ice-cream or Obvious Massive Lasers. They may also wear tin foil hats.
Bad Fashion Designers - These people design really terrible clothing, such as reversible combination shirts, shorts, bras, shoes and underwear. They are well known for trying to popularise tin foil hats.
Gnomes - These are the short wooden-like people who tend to loiter in people's front lawns. They can be recognised by their tall, pointy tin foil hats.
[edit] The Not Obvious Victims
Neurotics - These people often worry about many things, which may or may not include being mind-controlled by OMCLs. They rarely, if ever, wear tin foil hats.
Parents - These people are recognised as having children of some sort. They are most often viewed as sane and/or stable by most outside observers, excepting their children. They rarely, if ever, wear tin foil hats.
[edit] The Wannabe Victims
Wanna-bes - Wanna-bes are those people who run around wearing tin foil hats yelling phrases such as "I am being mind-controlled by OMCLs". They are seen as crazy by outside observers, and not mind-controlled as it would be too obvious. However, in order for most people to willingly shout out phrases such as the one listed above, one must be mind-controlled.
[edit] How to Not Be Controlled by OMCLs
Being not controlled by OMCLs is a rather difficult task. In order to not be controlled by an OMCL, one must do the following
- Live in an underground bunker with walls made of lead
- Keep the average room temperature at precisely two degrees Kevin Bacon
- Be completely apathetic towards mind-control
One must also avoid the following
- Wearing tin foil hats
- Having children
- Wanting/Not wanting to be mind controlled
[edit] How to Build Your Own OMCL
This is the fun part!
[edit] Materials
To build an OMCL, one must gather the following equipment
- 2 yards of tin foil
- 400 ¥ worth of lettuce
- 16 marbles
- A time-machine
- An uninhabited star, at least the size of Sirius
- A thingamabob
- Some colourless green sleeping furiously
[edit] Directions
To build an OMCL, one must follow the seven following steps 1. Eat the 400 ¥ worth of lettuce. This will prevent one from getting hungry during construction. 2. Take the half of the 16 marbles, and set the other half aside. Put one half into the time machine and send them back to three microseconds after the Big Bang. This will alter the chemical composition of the universe, so it will be easier to do step 3. 3. Take the aside-setted marbles, and loosely wrap them in the tin foil. 4. Launch the wrapped marbles into the uninhabited star. It will expand, and light up the thingamabob. 5. Put the colourless green sleeping furiously into the thingamabob. The thingamabob will also expand. 6. Wait for a total existence failure of an already existent OMCL. The thingamabob will automatically take its place. 7. Be a proud owner of an OMCL. Otherwise, it will have a total existence failure. And you don't want to happen, since you put so much effort into the six previous steps
