Orlando
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“What the hell is wrong with you people?!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Orlando
Orlando is a geographically large city located at the heart of Florida's Tourist Triangle. It was founded in 1845 over a mass grave of Spanish colonists - the city is named for the man who betrayed them to the English for a ham sandwich - by racist homophobes fleeing persecution in New York City, thus starting a long tradition of the North shipping its human trash to Florida in the vain hopes that the insufferable heat, humidity, hurricanes, and various hostile species would kill them off. Unfortunately for the North, God loves idiots, and Orlando has thrived, much to the distress of Yankee politicians.
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[edit] History
Following the mass migration and weenie roast of 1845, Orlando languished under the harsh rule of Commodore Kanker, whose demands for rotted citrus fruit to stuff his pants with led to the naming of a blight after him. Kanker's rule came to an abrupt end twenty years later, when Union troops burned the town after mistaking it for a Goblin infestation.
Following the conclusion of the American Civil War, Orlando was rebuilt using the bones of small mammals. Predictably, this second city fell apart when stray dogs tore the buildings down to get at the sweet, sweet marrow. Construction on the third city did not start until after 1889, as a critical shortage of dry land kept the price of dirt high. Eventually, the Army Corps of Engineers dug several canals to drain the hinterlands as part of their long-running War Against Nature. With all of the swampwater now draining off to pollute the Saint John's River, Orlando Mark III was finally built, with the construction financed by monies "found" in the pocketbooks of oblivious tourists.
The period from the completion of the third city up to 1971 was a quiet one, and is long regarded as Orlando's "So-so Age" wherein nothing of consequence happened, or at least, that is what official records state. Rumors abound of dark experiments by Third Watch Seculartarians (now known as Scientology) which opened portals to Hell and other, darker regions (SEE California) during the 1930s. It is rumored that these experiments resulted in Adolf Hitler declaring war on Australia in 1939, as it was in clear violation of the Arcturian Protocols.
It may have been these experiments that lured the interest of Walt Disney and his vile band of occultists. Initially wary of these newcomers, the locals finally accepted them with the Treaty of Orlando, which stated that Disney could operate its own fiefdom so long as it kept the money pouring into the vast empty holes you call homes.
[edit] The Shadow War
Orlando is a prominent battleground in the Shadow War between the Bolsheviks, the Illuminati, the Alien Mafia, Lord Chaos, and the Gay Communist Chinese. The agents of these vile powers are drawn to the area due to the high concentration of balonium that can be refined from the ground up bones of local animals, birds, and poor people. However, various research programs by the Walt Disney World Resort into the reanimation of corpses, captive breeding of Oompa Loompas, and robotics has made Orlando a wretched hive of scum and villany. Murderous agents from the great powers stalk through the streets and bars of the city, meeting contacts, arranging deals, and hunting their rivals.
Thanks to this, Orlando has slowly become the largest Black market center east of the Mississippi River. The Russian Mafia has moved in and controls the East Side, where they "take care of Russian business," such as gun-running and auto-body work. It is rumored that Vladimir Putin maintains a dacha in the swamps where he brings Ukrainian women to sacrifice in satanic rituals. Additional criminal or illicit organizations and/or groups that can be found in the city include:
- New Jersey Mafia.
- New Yorkers.
- PETA.
- A.N.S.W.E.R.
- Scientology.
- The ACLU.
- The AARP.
- Electronic Arts.
- White Trash.
- People Who Can't Speak English.
- The I.R.S.
- The Orange County Planning Division
[edit] The War on I-4
Despite the fact that multiple organizations are using the city like a two dollar prostitute, Orlando has continued its never-ending war with nearby Tampa. In 2002, the Third Narcoossee Grenadiers launched a series of raids on the Ybor City area, destroying cigar-production facilities and thus crippling the Tampa Bay area economy, as they have nothing else. Tampa responded by winning the Superbowl and prying the holy trophy from Vince Lombardi's cold, dead, zombie hands, thus wounding Orlandoian pride, as the city has no major sports team that has ever won a championship. (Arena football doesn't count, you wussy fans of that sheeought.) At present, the war is in a stalemate, though persons travelling on Interstate 4 are advised to keep their passports ready, a white flag on their radio antenna, and a fat wad of bills to bribe the guards.
[edit] Recent Events
Thanks to the recent raid on Disney's Project Auferstehung by Alien Mafia Robo-ninjas, the Shadow War has heated up. Orlando is now dealing with the ravages of constant assassinations, back alley gunfights, and destructive bombings. Not a day goes by where a body isn't found in the street with all of its blood either drained onto the sidewalk... Or just simply drained and carted away.
Therefor, Orlando has been declared a "Disputed Zone" of Occupied Florida. Locals have thus armed themselves to the teeth, and visitors are advised to not tick any of them off. Foreigners are advised to visit Little Cuba (formerly Miami) instead.
[edit] Climate
Orlando was originally built on a three hundred-yard spit of land between two swamps and a lake, and though the area has been drained in the long campaign against Nature, the city remains a stinking, sweltering, water-choked oven for 300 days out of the year. The remaining 65 days make up for this, however, as supercooled air from the Arctic takes a two month vacation in December and January and joins the other snowbirds in making Orlando, and indeed, all of Florida miserable for the duration.
Nominally, temperatures in Orlando routinely reach 70.3 degrees centigrade during the daytime, and humidity levels hover at about 99%. At night, temps drop to a more reasonable 33 degrees centigrade, though humidity remains high, even after the routine afternoon deluge. However, from November to May, humidity levels drop to approximately 0.003% as this is the dry season. As a result, wildfires are common occurrences around the City, and many locals use them as an opportunity to let their driving skills become even more asinine.
During winter, temperatures reach a temperate range, and the air is quite comfortable to most visitors or recent migrations. Locals, however, have mutated into cold-blooded organisms that require the usual inferno to maintain their biology, and thus must bundle up in a fashion similar to exporers at the South Pole. Thus it is not uncommon to see heavy winter jackets out even in these average temperatures.
[edit] Hurricanes
- Orlando, like much of Florida, receives about ten hurricanes per year, and this average is expected to rise as Global Warming Activists fuel the tropical storms with their hot air.
- Locals are known for doing strange activities during hurricanes, such as taking leisurely strolls or outdoor grilling during 90MPH winds.
- Human Kiting can only be done during hurricanes or tornados, and so many enthusiasts spend the summer in Orlando, as the city is usually not too flooded during these storms.
- "Hurricane Parties" are popular events where people gather to get drunk, thus making their inevitable death by the collapsing of their house/apartment building that less painful.
- Kanye West doesn't care about hurricanes.
[edit] Economy
The city's economy is diverse, fueled as it is by the massive theme parks, mutant alligator farms, soul harvesting, and dark experimentation by the local university and corporations. This results in an annual RDP of about $666 million, though some claim that the Prince of Darkness secretly controls the economy to fund his son's music studio where boy bands are assembled from rotting corpses and hellborn demons. Key economic areas include:
- The Tourist District, where the fools who visit this city of the damned are parted from their coin.
- The Red Light District along Orange Blossom Trail, which includes several homosexual bordellos, and has resulted in Orlando being nicknamed, "the Bangkok of Dixie."
- T.A.F.T. (Train After F#@!@&% Train), the industrial heart of Orlando, home to arcane factories that produce such vital commodities as concrete shoes, alligator skin nightgowns, and soulless, cybernetic killing machines.
- Tradeport, where the products of T.A.F.T. are sold alongside lost tourists to third-world nations. It is also where the Alien Mafia ships their bottles of human bodily fluids through prior to sending them to the main facility in Mexico City.
[edit] Culture
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, wait, you're serious?
Uhm... Orlando culture consists of three groups; Tourist Traps, Bars, and Avant Garde B.S. Tourist traps dot the landscape, even outside of the ghetto Tourist District. Wherever there's some sort of entrepreneurial redneck familiy, there will be a Tourist Trap.
Orlando's bars are concentrated for easy pub crawling along Orange Avenue through the Downtown area. They range from preppy, ultra-trendy clubs that cater to the rich and mindless, to holes-in-the-wall that allow so-called "indie" people to put on airs about having found a bar that isn't trendy. All of them charge way too much and the people you will meet in them are all either drunks, morons, or posers. You're better off with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a pipe full of Maui Wowie at home.
Avant Garde B.S. can be found in the Lake Ivanhoe and Winter Park areas, as these are the places where rich idiots build their homes. Theaters featuring plays from people you've never heard of, music stores with groups you've never heard of, and cafés with food you've never heard of all make these areas prime locations for the gathering of elitest boobs to hob nob and complain about the working class. They have been accordingly marked for destruction, and when the Revolution comes, the streets shall run red with their blood.
[edit] Trivia
- Orlando was once home to the Ark of the Covenant, from 1936-1981, when it was moved to Area 51.
- There is a really big rock here.
- Seriously, it's huge. Like, at least the size of Dolly Parton's rack.
- Shaquille O'Neal's brain was replaced with a remote control device in an Orlando medical lab in 1999, resulting in his transferring to another, out-of-state team.
- The State of Florida maintained a weather control device in Orlando, which it used to use to steer hurricanes into other states for the last thirty years. Since its breakdown in 2004, it has not been repaired, though Scientologists reportedly worship it as a symbol of L. Ron Hubbard's penis.
- Orlando is a staging area for Furries in their glorious campaign against the Muns.
