Osama bin Laden
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“Who?”
~ George W. Bush on Osama bin Laden
Osama Malaki Hussein Muhammad Abdul Phlegm-Shaky shake Ali Abu Zarqawi Ahmadinejad dustbin Laden (Arabic: أسامة بن لادن; born March 10th, 1957) is an Islamic extremist, the supposed founder and leader of the terrorist group Al-Qaeda, and member of the affluent bin Laden family. He is wanted for his involvement in multiple terrorist attacks, especially the attacks of September 11th, 2001 on the World Trade Center in New York, the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, and the crash of United Airlines Flight 93.
He has been indicted in United States federal court for his alleged involvement in the 1998 U.S. embassy bombings in Dar es Salaam Tanzania and Nairobi, Kenya, and was named one of Time Magazine's "Most Beautiful People" for 2001. He is believed to have fled to Pakistan since the Operation Iraqi Liberation (O.I.L.).
Renowed for his hide and seek skills even as a small child, bin Laden has in recent years made several pleas to the White House complaining that he must have won the round by now and it should be George Bush's turn to hide.
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Biography
Osama bin laden was born in Durkadurkastan, Saudi Arabia. His father, Muhammed Awek binti Laden, was a wealthy businessman with close ties to the Saudi royal family. Osama bin Laden was born the only son of Muhammed binti Laden's hundreth and forthy twelve wife and cousin, Hamida al-Atas Bumbung. He was great and popular as a child, and reportedly brought up by wolves in a remote part of the Middle East. Having turned feral, he was discovered by a friendly American tourist, who attempted to reintegrate him into human society. Sadly, this kindly man was later found partially eaten in the foothills of the Hindu Kush mountain range. This first taste of American blood, full of sugar, caffeine and saturated fats, turned into a habit for poor little bin Laden.
After emerging from his mountain home, and bidding farewell to his Wolfmother, Osama bin Laden went to study Terrorism and Mass Killing at the University of Killtheinfidels (near Tajikistan) where he got a first in bombing, van driving and American architecture. Osama's hobbies whilst at university often involved dressing up as the Emperor Nero to bestow gifts upon his friends in exchange for routine spankings. Osama would dress in animal skins and be released from a cage, whereupon he would attack the genitals of crippled slaves. Audiences gathered to watch the antics of their spritely new prince, and offered him fresh fetuses for consumption.
Family
Historian Willem van der Xiang has traced the Bin Laden family name to an eighteenth century English scavenger (of bins) hailing from the plague-infested city of Rottendam. Ancestry.com has discovered that Osama bin Laden is related to Osama Grain Bin; Bins N. Tubbs; Bin Dare Dun Dat and Reecikle Bin. Osama claims to be the true father of Anna Nicole Smith's child. Osama's distant cousin George B. Laden II left the family in 1967 to seek his fortune in the oil fields of Texas, but failed dismally, turned to coke, and is now living on public assistance in Washington.
Beliefs and ideologies
Bin Laden describes himself as a moderate on social issues and foreign policy, but leaning more towards the left on economics. He openly endorsed John Kerry in the 2004 elections, and is a Democratic superdelegate currently in favor of Hillary Clinton for the 2008 elections (though he initially supported Dennis Kucinich).
Religiously, bin Laden is a Sunni Muslim who expresses a deep tolerance for individuals of opposing viewpoints, who he respectfully refers to as "infidels" (kafir in Arabic, meaning "pigdog shit-eating scum"). Bin Laden has also lobbied for the passage of the Matthew Shepard Act, which would expand the 1969 United States federal hate-crime law to include crimes motivated by a victim's actual or perceived gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability.
Bin Laden is pro-choice, unless "the child will be born an infidel." He claims to have been against the War in Iraq from the start, and was against the invasion of Afghanistan as well. He also claims to be for the death penalty, against the use of water boarding, for gay marriage, and for the Bush tax cuts.
He also hates the Middle Beast with a passion since it has wrecked his homeland.
Militant activity
During the 1970's, bin Laden battled the Russians in Afghanistan while raising money for his anti-American and anti-Zionist Jihadist movement. During this time, he preached messages of hate for the West and its policies. Bin Laden's listeners, recognizing a holy man when they heard one, instantly proclaimed him the 273rd grandnephew of the prophet. They bestowed upon him a turban of solid nylon and followed him into the foothills of Afghanistan to do battle with the evil empire. After a disagreement with the Mujahadeen, Osama briefly left Tora Bora to play power forward for the Denver Nuggets in the mid eighties, averaging 13 points and 12 rebounds per game.
Osama spent some time in Iraq to fulfill his dream of gassing the Kurds and invading Kuwait. These actions turned his former friends against him, and soon US troops were all over Baghdad, deflowering virgins and desecrating the holy sites. In retaliation, Saddam ordered the 9/11 attacks, timing them to occur at a moment when George W. Bush was away from Washington on a diplomatic mission.
9/11 Involvement
According to US intelligence, bin Laden indirectly assisted the hijackers of 9/11, all of whom had a pledged ideology similar to that of Al-Qaeda. Though he initially denied involvement, bin Laden subsequently claimed responsibility for the attack. By this time he had gone into hiding by changing his phone number and donning a big overcoat with the collar turned completely up, making his capture virtually impossible.
Videos and attacks
Bin Laden has released numerous videos proclaiming his hatred for the United States and who he thinks should have won the last season of American Idol. By 2003, he was believed to be in Iraq. The CIA claims he was also hiding his weapons of mass destruction there. This was used as justification for the invasion of Iraq. He is currently believed to be in Pakistan. The US State Department believes bin Laden to be either "dead or located in the mountains of Pakistan with limited or no connection to Al-Qaeda." They explain by emphasizing that, "all those Islams look alike, the guy in the films isn't Osama. Hey look over there in Iraq, purple fingers!"
Osama has spent most of his time playing golf on the notoriously difficult 18 hole underwater course in Kebab City in Northern Pakistan. His dramatic bid to spring childhood friend Saddam Hussein from jail so they could play a few rounds and "shoot the breeze" like they used to ended in Saddam's death by hanging. In despair, bin Laden attempted suicide by resorting to suicide bombing, but he was a dud.
There is a growing list of incidents that bin Laden and Al-Qaeda have claimed responsibility for, including Lindsay Lohan's DUI, killing Chris Benoit and his family, the Holocaust, and the Lindbergh baby kidnapping.
In late November 2004, Al Jazeera broadcast an Al Qaeda tape in which Osama bin Laden threatened to blow up shopping malls in Chatanooga and Kalamazoo demanding that the Hot Topics in said malls lower their clearance sales by 15%. The federal director of Mall Security Kevin Smith shrugged it off, and no attack has been committed to date.
Personal life & enterprises
At home, Osama likes to tend his spice garden. Osama's favorite film is "101 Dalmations" as he "likes animals very much."
Osama has, prior to his terrorist affiliation, been involved in a number of commercial enterprises. He once endorsed a popular fat reducing electric grill for the modern kitchen which he claims is excellent for punishing any of your wives when they speak in your presence. He failed to successfully market his garbage disposal company, Osama's Bin Liner. He recently tried to promote his own line of sleepwear
See also
- American University in Cairo
- Al Qaeda Homepage
- Al Qaeda Initiation Rights
- Liberal media conspiracy
- USAma
- Infidel Fried Chicken
- Osaka bin Laden
- Obama Bin Laden
- Londrés
- Lets a-Samba ~ Mario
- Mr. Bean Laden
- Al Qaeda Chicken
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