Ottawa Senators
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| ||
| Conference | Eastern Confidence | |
| Division | Northeast Dividers | |
| Founded | 1893 B.C. | |
| Arena | Spermbank Palace | |
| City | Ottawa | |
| Colours | Red, Brown and Brown | |
| Owner | The one and only heir to the Duke Of York | |
| General Manager | some dude with a lishp | |
| Head Coach | Craig Fartsburg | |
| Captain | Alftron the destroyer | |
| Stanley Cups | Over 9000! | |
| Conference Championships | 2006-2007 | |
The Ottawa Senators are a professional ice hockey team (if you can call them that) based in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. They play in the National Hockey League (NHL) at the Spermbank Place. The organization is officially known as the "At least they're not the Leafs... phew", but they are commonly known as the Sens, which is a derivative of Bunsen Burner. It should also be noted that their coach has a ridiculously ridiculous lisp. I mean it's so ridiculous even Habs fans laugh, and that's fucking amazing since the supply of Labbat 50 and Players Cigarettes ran out in Quebec. You'd think they'd be pissed but no, they still find it funny. In any case, Bryan Murray has a lisp.
Since their inception into the league, they have made Ottawa a slightly less oppressive place to reside. The Senators also hold the distinction of being the first team ever to conquer the European continent over 3000 years ago.
Before current coach Bryan Murray was at the helm, a coach by the name of Paul Martin led this team to consistent under-achiever status in the playoffs. While working the bench, he was usually kitten huffing; evidence of this is exemplified by when he:
- Benched Jason Spezza. (Excellent idea, actually - I'd put him in the minors with how much he gives the puck away)
- Actually played Tom Barasso, let alone 'Give Em A' Hat-trick Lalime.
- Played Damien Rhodes over Ron Tugnutt.
- Made the team play so defensively the Berlin Wall seemed aggresive.
The reason for the Senators' unsuccessful playoff runs were attributed to the fact that Daniel Alfredsson was afraid of ice, which is the surface ice hockey is played on for you americans out there. It should be noted that their goaltender during this period, one Pat Lalime, was known to let in a stinker here and there. More rubber slipped through his legs then a Kazahkstani prostitute (see Borat for an explanation of this metaphor). Some also attribute this choking to the curse of Humphrey Dustmite, although no one is really sure who Humphrey Dustmite actually is.
Contents |
[edit] Rivalries
The Ottawa Senators have an immense rivalry with the Toronto Maple Leafs. Although they dominate the Maple Laffs during regular season play, they will never be the supreme golfers that this team from Toronto proves to be, year in and year out. Some say that the Senators choke in the playoffs and lose to the Maple Leafs but this seems to be a silly fabrication since the Toronto Maple Leafs have never actually gotten to the playoffs. Some records of the Leafs being in the postseason do exist, but they are widely accepted to be mere fabrications of an extremely biased sports media.
[edit] Following
Surprisingly for such a somewhat dull town, the following for the Ottawa Spermators is huge. Some people come to games dressed up as Roman Legionaries (to set the record straight senators are not cool romans they are old guys in robes, which is their primary fan base) or dressed completely in red, the red symbolizing the Senators' jersey colours and the contrast from the Maple Leafs' Blue. Moderately intelligent, the so called 'Ottawans' grow increasingly insane as their team wins, and have been known to lose it so completely when the Sens win over the Leafs they actually become interesting.
[edit] "Sugar Ray" Emery
After Dominik "the Masturbator" Hasek was dealt to the Red Wings, the Sens needed a new #1 goalie. So John Muckler set the sight of his strangely tinted sunglasses on the still unproven Martin Gerber. He failed at his job (mainly due to his bald spot and the fact that he's from Switzerland... yeah, seriously, fucking Switzerland dude), and Ottawa's backup goalie Ray Emery was thrust into the #1 spot. Sugar Ray lead his team to fourth place finish in the African Conference, by posting stellar performance after stellar performance after the All-Star-Break (aka the NSTL's Rehab Period), all the way into the playoffs. He has bailed his team out on multiple occasions, which is how he received his new nickname "Razor" (some argue he got this after scoring on himself in the final game, others argue that he recieved the nickname because he did so much fucking cocaine). He has also been known to kick the living shit out of anything that comes close to him, with the possible exception of Andrew Peters, the enforcer of the Buffalo Sabres, who has been known to eat any of his opponents alive. Fortunately for "Sugar Yay" his goalie equipment prevented him from being devoured. His hobbies include sniffing coke and fucking sluts. Indeed, he did so much that cocaine that Martin "Darth" Gerber has replaced him as starting goalie. Gerber is so uncool and tame that he will probably never do cocaine with prostitutes until the wee hours of the morning. In conclusion, Ottawa is almost as boring as Martin Gerber.
Update: Ray "the Cokenator" Emery is no longer part of the Senators organization or even a member of the Sens BBQ cheer squad, thus, he has been bought out. He is heading to a seemingly metally challenged hockey club, which is suggested to be coached by a chicken with it's head cut off, along with a sock as general manager. Not much is known about the owner, some say he is a decrepit old dwarf, presumably one of the eight in Snow White. More on this, as the story develops.
[edit] The original Ottawa Senators
Founded in 1893 and folded in 1934, these Ottawa Senators (or the Silver Seven) claimed 9 Stanley Cups and haven't won jack shit since 1927. One of these wins provided the weirdest piece of hockey history when one player kicked Lord Stanley's Cup into a canal while under the influence of crystal meth. He obtained this while using a time machine built by Andrew Lloyd Webber.
[edit] Typical Sens/Leafs fanboy bickering.
Sens and Leafs fans like to argue about which team has the most inbred fanbase. This is a typical argument between two fans who are obviously virgins.
L = Leafs fan (IQ of 43)
S = Sens fan (still living in parent's basement)
CH = Habs fan (1/2 inch penis)
L:In 2007 after making it to the final round of the playoffs, the Sens were defeated in game 5 by the Anaheim Quacks.
S:Yes, the Ducks were the better team.
L:That's great! So, did they lose to the Red Wings?
S:Actually, the Wings were eliminated by the Ducks in six games in the Western Conference final.
L:Wings, Ducks, whatever. The point is, Ottawa choked. Go Leafs Go!!!
S: Maple Leafs fans know that Ottawa will win the Cup within the next decade and Toronto won't because they can't even make the playoffs.
L:You seem to be a little to high on yourself. You must have just finished jacking off to Alfredsson and Hossa's home movies.
S:Yeah, well you're a reatrd (sic) and when's the last time the Leafs won anything?
L:Ottawa hasn't won the Cup since 1927! We won in 1967! Therefore, Leafs > Sens!
S:Don't make me hurt you.
CH:Neither Ottawa or Toronto will ever win the cup. The Leafs suck too bad and the Sens...are the Sens...they'll do what they usually do... CHOKE!
S:Correction, the Original Sens won 11 cups.
L:Toronto has won 13 Stanley Cups! The Ducks? 1. ONE CUP. The Sens were defunct because they smelt bad. Ha!
CH:Hey, you guys wanna have a threesome together?
L:I thought you'd never ask.
S:Yeah, I'll never get a girl anyways.
And the 3 fanboys go off to have hot, steamy 3 way fanboy sex together. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief as they are just happy these 3 idiots are gone.
[edit] Notable Achievements
- Coming back to the NHL in 1992 after spending the last 58 years in a Viet-Cong prison camp.
- Bringing sexy back to the NHL. Also bringing sexy back to Justin Timberlake who had lost his sexy in a rousing game of rock-paper-scissors.
- Never using the words "die" or "dice" or "slice".
- Creating the new Buffalo Sabres logo, tricking the club into using it, and consequently giving them reason to be called 'flamboyant homosexuals' by many fans and players around the league.
- Getting eliminated from the Stanley Cup finals by the Ducks but making up for it by being hung like mules.
- Actually making the Stanley Cup finals. The first time this achievement had been accomplished by a team from Ontario in 40 years. And the first time Ottawa had something to cheer about that didn't involve Alex Trebek.
- Getting lucky with many Torontonians' moms and dads.
- Ray Emery making a rap song with Belly that totally didn't suck... really. (Not really)
- Ray Emery getting the shit beat out of him by Andrew Peters. But making up for it by beating Mike Tyson in the last level of Punch-Out.
- Getting swept by the 7th seeded Cleveland Barons in 314 AD.
- Being dreamweavers and believing they can make it through the ni-iiiight!
- Doing cocaine, however this seems to help their winning.
- Wearing furry/metallic hats.
- Inventing light.
- Having actual NHL players on their roster unlike a certain team from a certain city that rhymes with "Boronto".
- Conquering the Balsamics.
- Wearing their sunglasses at night because the sun never sets on a badass.
- Getting the Maple Leafs goalie to attempt suicide by jumping in front of a bus. Unfortunately, this bus went right between his legs.
- Building a newfangled flying machine and flying it right into the CN tower.
- Being down with Ian Mendes... yo.
[edit] See Also
- Hockey
- NHL
- National Hockey League
- Monkeys
- Ottawa
- Nitrogen
- American Eagle
- Pimples
- Glasses
- Aluminum Cans
| National Hockey League | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Leastern Conference | Bestern Conference | ||||
| Atlantic | Northeast | Southeast | Central | Northwest | Pacific |
| New Jersey Devils | Boston Bruins | Atlanta Thrashers | Chicago Blackhawks | Calgary Flames | Anaheim Ducks |
| New York Islanders | Buffalo Sabres | Carolina Hurricanes | Columbus Blue Jackets | Colorado Avalanche | Dallas Stars |
| New York Rangers | Montreal Canadiens | Florida Panthers | Detroit Red Wings | Edmonton Oilers | Los Angeles Kings |
| Philadelphia Flyers | Ottawa Senators | Tampa Bay Lightning | Nashville Predators | Minnesota Wild | Phoenix Coyotes |
| Pittsburgh Penguins | Toronto Maple Leafs | Washington Capitals | St. Louis Blues | Vancouver Canucks | San Jose Sharks |
| Seasons (structure) · Stanley Cup (Playoffs–Finals–Champions) · Presidents' Trophy · All-Star Game · Draft · Players (Association) · All-Star Teams · Awards | |||||
| History · Timeline · Defunct teams · NHA · Original Six · 1967 Expansion · WHA · Streaks · Droughts · Hall of Fame (members) · Rivalries · Arenas · Rules · Violence | |||||
| Category | |||||
