Ottoman Empire

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دولت عالیه عثمانیه
Sublime Ottoman State
Ottoman Empire

	Complicated
(Flag)	(Coat of Arms)

Motto: دولت ابد مدت
(English: Fuck technology.)

Anthem: Zerstören (Rammstein)

Capital

Konstantiniyye

Largest city

Just follow this road, can't miss it. It's pretty big.

Official languages

Turkish delight

Government

Sultanate (to 1453), Imperial Roman Sultanate (1453-1922)

National Hero(es)

Otto man, Elephants,
Inventor of world's biggest turban Sewerman C'est Magnifique

Declaration
of Formation

ca. AD

Currency

Florins^[1]

Religion

Islamuslim

Population

14,000,000

Area

12,000,000 km²

National animal

Well, they're Anatolian. Have a guess.

The Ottoman Empire^[2] is an elaborate historical misconception (compare Vulcan), originally appearing in the Nth title of the Video Game Wars series.^[3] At the time, the Ottoman Empire had no historical precedent, but its inclusion in a series so renowned for its historical accuracy prompted a flurry of research into a potential real-life counterpart. Though several candidates were proposed, and some even widely accepted, historians now generally concede that the Ottoman Empire really is fictitious.^[4]

1 History
2 Geography
3 Popular Culture
4 References
5 See Also

[edit] History

Due to the lack of proper education in the ottoman empire, it was horribly misspelled. Thus it was spelled the Ottoman Empire, when its proper spelling should have been the Auto-Man car dealership. Due to its improper naming the Ottoman empire fell because its customers thought it was some kind of mideval empire near modern day turkey,and took their automotive needs to more practically named car dealerships.

As imagined by the game’s developers, the Ottoman Empire was founded "sometime around then" by Otto Mann the Man (of Otto), a bus-driver from Springfield. Engrossed in a musical orgy, he mistakenly drove to Anatolia, a MUD created by Iron Realms, then populated by a democratic republic composed entirely of farmyard fowl. Though his people would become successful, Otto himself was apprehended and executed on a child abduction charge shortly thereafter.

Heralded as pioneers of the Garlic Age, the Ottomans displaced the native Turkeys with advanced weaponry deriving from the clove family. Only after a tearful invasion, in which millions of seasoned Turkeys died, did the UN intervene (after a failed negotiation on the part of WIKI), ordering the Ottomans to surrender their newly-conquered territories. The Empire refused to cede Anatolia back to the Turkeys, but agreed to let them leave the peninsula with their lives. The Turkeys started new lives in reserves all over Europe, and later the entire world. It is this event that USAns would later plagiarise in their search for a holiday, and the day is thus commemorated as thanksgiving. The lawsuit is ongoing.

In the words of then-Ottoman Emperor Hashish I-love, the Byzantine Empire, following this, started "being a set of dicks". It quickly became clear that war was inevitable.

Thus, when war was completely avoided, the Ottoman Empire hailed it as a (Muslim) miracle, and conquered the Byzantines in celebration. Still stuck in the Christian Age, and despite the grand walls of Constantinople (not Istanbul), the Byzantine Empire succumbed, fell, and was destroyed. The Byzantines remained philosophical about these circumstances, noting the poetic way in which they’d mirrored the fall of the Roman Empire (that is, being invaded). The Ottomans, irked by the lack of vengeful feeling, sought enemies elsewhere, and so conquered the Balkans for good measure.

Now, with the world in the grip of the Age of Exploration,^[5] the Ottomans grew fond of their conquering while everyone else sailed about in pimped-up caravels. So engrossed in their conquest were the Ottomans, however, that the dirty, dirty Christian scum invented technology. With the Internet now at their disposal, the rest of Europe led an assault on the Ottoman Empire. This late-age rush came as a shock to the Empire, who scrabbled to build watchtowers in defence, not yet realising that these had been nerfed by the discovery of explosions.

Oth-Man, Superhero of the Ottoman Empire!

The Ottoman Empire, now on the back foot, proposed an idea to Europe. It requested that Europe go to war with itself, "because that would be rocksome", and in return, the Ottoman Empire offered to never have existed. The Europeans agreed, and

[edit] Geography

Map of Ottoman Empire overlaying modern-day Turkey.

At its height, the Ottoman Empire stretched across the entirety of Europe, pulled a muscle, and limped all the way back again. After prolonged physical rehab, the Empire contented itself with expanding upwards, and many mountain-climbing expeditions were sanctioned in order to ensure the Empire had flags in all the right places. Amongst these vertical territories were the Horns of Hattin, twin hills (actually an extinct volcano) that would later become important some years ago, during the Crusades.

The royal seat of the Ottoman Empire was the Hagia Sofa. Amongst all the details conjured by the developers of the Video Game Wars, this one stands out as being somewhat historical, as supported by recent findings.^[6]^[7]

History of Anatolia
Hittites • Greece • Persia • Greece (again) • Roman Empire • Armenia • Byzantine Empire (aka Greece again) • Fall of Constantinople • ~~Automan~~, ~~Motoman~~ Ottoman Empire • Turkey • Greece (oh, not again!) • USA \|-	[ v • d • e ]

[edit] Popular Culture

Turkish Author Orhan Pamuk's novel "My Name Is Bread" is set in the Ottoman empire during its golden age. The novel is by and large a florid deconstruction of the modern detective novel seen largely through the eyes of a crusty farmhouse loaf.

Oh shits guys, trivia

In recent years, replicas of the Ottoman footstool have been mass-marketed. Due to potentially lethal levels of chintz, however, they can only safely be sold to the over-60s, due to the Calico Chronophobe Effect.

In need of podiatrary leverage? The Ottoman Empire's on the job!

[edit] References

↑ Medieval II: Total War
↑ The alternative transliteration Uh-Oh, Man n women, has gained some credence in recent years, perhaps owing to increased global warming
↑ "Yeah, man, we just wanted spice things up a bit. Like spice, y’know? Sorry for the confusion, history dudes."
↑ Such confession is usually accompanied by much staring at the floor and shuffling of feet.
↑ As recorded in several 16th-18th century works, the most complete or notable being Blackadder II, Age of Empires III and Voyage Century
↑ As one archaeologist put it "I was on holiday in Istanbul (not Constantinople), and all of a sudden there was this fuck-off great building in front of me! So I asked the locals what it was called, and they said something in Foreignese. Anyway, the brochure called it the Hagia Sophia! I believe this to be no coincidence. The slightly different name is accounted for by the 18th century Musical Consonant Shift, and the completely different appearance (the Sofa having famously been a sort of long chair), is, according to at least one colleague, accounted for by erosion! This could well be our greatest lead on the mystery of the Ottoman Empire yet."
↑ Though many historians were sceptical of the discovery, etymologists conceded the Sofa/Sophia shift as a likelihood, and so Istanbul (not Constantinople) did a roaring trade in tourism that year, as each professor determined to confirm it with his own eyes. The Chairperson of the So, Legit? Board of History eventually concluded that this was indeed a throne dating to the suggested reign of the Ottoman Empire; the argument having been supported beyond doubt by the discovery of a cushioned footstool nearby.