Oxford University
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“I have nothing to declare except my genius.”
~ Oscar Wilde on his genius
“when me first came to Oxford my, Enligsh is really bad but now that, i'uf spend 3 year there it, start too go betterer”
~ George W Bush on Oxford
(This was promptly confiscated from him on entering Oxford University due to code K465 of the Mur D'lin Possession Code).
Oxford University is the 2nd best university in Oxford (see University of Hull). It was founded in 512BC (look it's a power of 2!) by Oscar Wilde, who later went on to become an undergraduate there. It is famous for its library, the Bodleian, the Oldest and Mouldiest Library in the World, and for its beautiful colleges, especially Hong Kong. It is, however, yet more world-renowned for its ugly colleges. Thanks to perfidious attempts (by the Shanghai Jiao Tong University, a cover for the University of Cambridge, to discredit it, Oxford revels in infamy, particularly in Japan, where it is known as Okusufodo and is shelled by the Self-Defense Force. Notable alumni include every single Prime Minister of Liechtenstein, 0.6% of anyone else of any importance, Bill Clinton, Mother Teresa, Luciano Pavarotti, Harry Potter, Ross McIntosh (not to be confused with Ross MacIntosh) and Winnie the Pooh (graduate of Teddy Hall). Thus it can be said that most noteworthy people with half a brain-cell will choose to go elsewhere.
Unfortunately, as the number of graduating students far exceeds the ability of the local economy to absorb them, most end up in shoe factories making Oxford loafers. Many of these loafers can be found at Pembroke.
Oxford is a place where oxen would cross the river. Indeed in the university town, all citizens are quite used to the oxen crossing rivers on the streets and a string of identical and poorly written articles in the University's only student newspaper have revealed that some of the oxen take classes there. The classes are not taught by oxen, but rather by ancient british wizards. They live in the forests of Ewing, which lies directly to the north. Sometimes they have guest speakers. Most of these are experts in fields that would interest young, aspiring oxen. These fields range from those with clover to those with thistles.
Sometimes they don't have guest speakers. These are considered dark times at Oxford University. Despite the lack of guest speakers many a young ox will conceive of a rather pertinent topic and brighten things up a bit. An interesting note is that these lectures are completely incomprehensible by the human students of Oxford University for they are in a very strong british accent, spoken by an ox no further.
The Oxen in the Oxford University refuse to be called Oxonians and demand to be referred to as Oxenians. The Scholarships of the Oxen Colleges range from the ones for Outstanding Chewing Performances to those awarded for highly sophisticated abilities to do Funky Shit with Four Stomachs. Students who are at Oxford are invariably called Oxymorons.
The Official Oxford Oxen Encyclopedia's entry on the university itself says very little other than a short cryptic poem written in Esperanto. The poem is written in iambic pentameter and has an intricate rhymscheme not seen since the great Vogon poet, Hormund Whilksbun. The worst part is the end. I'll spare you the poem itself, as it sucks. The rest of the article speaks of the disproportionately high number of penguins who attended the institution between 1398 and 1420. What the article does not mention is the fact that the oxen were held in higher esteem than the penguins and there was much stigma and derision attached to the penguins' ceremonial dinner jackets. It is for this reason that you don't see many penguins in Oxford these days.
[edit] Historical timeline
- 17,000 BC: Ross McIntosh born
- 12,000 BC: First college students and professors actually arrive in Oxford.
- 512BC: Oxford University supposedly founded, when in fact it has already been going as long as anyone can remember at the time. King William of Orange says he did it. Others disbelieve him.
- 511BC: Number of Japanese tourists officially overtakes number of students. Students start calling themselves members of Oxford in response.
- 363BC: A group of namby-pamby academics, pissing themselves in terror after a friendly town and gown riot, run away and found the University of Cambridge. Cambridge has still not regained its spine, nor has it lost its (understandable) inferiority complex."AM SO NOT INFERIOR YEAH, EH? LEAST TONY BLAIR DIN GO TO CAMBRIDGE. BITCH."- Oscar Wilde
- 24AD: Christ Church College founded by Christ.
- 25AD: Mother Teresa born.
- 1412: Visiting professor Nostradamus correctly predicts Oxford's position in the university ranking tables of 1413, inducing him to start a stellar career in currency speculation.
- 1555: Protestants are burned in Oxford. Christ returns and builds 593 churches and chapels to teach Oxonians a lesson. They are all still standing today.
- 1592: The Varsity Shop, which sells Oxford memorabilia, becomes the number one tourist attraction in the world, according to Borgia Magazine (a precursor to Forbes Magazine), overtaking the international space station.
- 1863: The Oxford Union debating society is established. It has not left the year 1863 since.
- 1874: Oscar Wilde enrolls at Oxford as an undergraduate. He obtains a gentleman's third four years later.
- 1921: Notorious impostor Alan Alda wins Oxford's first facial-hair-growing contest.
- 1949: The fancifully named Shanghai Jiao Tong University is established. It is actually not a university at all, but a joint venture by Harvard and Cambridge to undermine Oxford's international standing. So far, it has failed.
- 1962: Oxford ceases to admit undergraduates, as in studies on Japanese tourists, actors were found to be more authentic than real students.
- 1969: Bill Clinton becomes a rather erect Member of the University. All the women around him say as much.
- 1982: Oxford enters the twentieth century.
- 1991: Chuck Norris does not apply to Oxford. Oxford applies to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris jokes are shit.
- 2010: Famous black people like Three 6 Mafia, Fred Durst and Matisyahu finishes the University.
- 2345: the year old the monkey in the chinese calender
[edit] The Boat Race
Was reportedly won by Cambridge this year, even after they let Oxford win the toss (now that's sportsmanship). Cambridge of course having learnt from the 2006 race that having water inside as opposed to outside the boat can be a severe hinderance. This dreadful rumour has been spread by small people with an eyesight of merely 13/13 and who cannot read English backwards. In actual fact, Cambridge has never won a boat race owing to the fact that they have no boats.
Rumours are circulating that the 2009 Boat Race will be sponsored by Channel 4's Scrapheap Challenge and will feature teams of 4 stripping down John "Two Jags" Prescott. In the interests of historical continuity the only rule is that the Supercharger Blades must be used for boat propulsion. In a separate and slightly less prestigious varsity challenge teams from Oxford and some other place's chemistry departments will battle to create a semen remover spray from the raw materials in the water found in 2006's Tab losing boat. It is less convincingly rumoured that contestants in this challenge will be awarded a sixteenth blue - slightly less important that the 8th blue awarded to Adam Smyth (pronounced Smith) for quad-running in 1995.
Cambridge where highly criticised for trying to lure a whale into the Thames in previous years in order to give them an advantage however Greenpeace stepped in and the whale had no choice but to die causing numerous sushi bars to open in Kingston and Chelsea.
[edit] The Colleges
[edit] Our Souls' College
Our Souls' is Oxford's only haunted college. It is so haunted, in fact, that the university does not allow students to enter the college for security reasons. Its motto is The place where professors go to die! because old professors who are too senile to write anything of any interest but who are still sentient enough to feel full of themselves are kept there on life-support machines by the university.
Stephen Hawking was infamously the Warden of Our Souls' after he died. He was stripped of his wardenship by the fellows of the college after they judged that his public displays of drunkenness and his widely publicized sexual excapades (notably with sex symbol political scientist, Gillian Peele) "bring into ill-repute a college with an otherwise spotless reputation for academic excellence and amazing croquet results."
[edit] Teddy Hall
A college known for its bare-faced cheek, as well as producing many clever omnivores such as Winnie the Pooh, Paddington Bear and Rupert the Bear. Yogi dropped out in second year due to some sexual misdemeanors with Booboo, which were tolerated by founding member Old Bear in his liberal wisdom, but things went too far when they stole his picnic basket in Trinity. The Bear In The Big Blue House was shunned for being a bit of a twit, while Rhodes Scholar Goldilocks was rusticated for assaults on bears and bed-hopping, which was against the regulations of the cave.
Baloo was too cool for school so he didn't come here. The College is well known for its magical Welfare Team, known as the Care Bears. The college accomodation was once described by Walt Disney as having just the "bare necessities". He was right.
[edit] Brasenose College
Widely regarded as being a college at Oxford University, Brasenose is in fact the resting place of the Stargate. (It is also the award-winner for Dumbest Name of an Oxonian College, according to the Oriel Sucks Committee.) It was found in 744 by Elias de Brasenose after he noticed that a large banana skin had attached itself to his shoe; needless to say he slipped over and the dent caused as his face hit the pavement laid the foundations for this glorious college. Brasenose found fame after being single-handedly blamed for warping Earl Haig's fragile, innocent peace-loving mind shortly world war one broke out. It was foreseen by Nostradamus that a similar effect will happen to David Cameron. Having invented the sports of rugby, rowing and dwarf-tossing yesterday evening in the space between Neighbours and Formal Hall, it has cultivated a reputation as an international centre of sporting expertise.
Brasenose is well known for its college chaplain who remembers the names, subjects studied and credit-card details of all pupils; it is believed he was the original keeper of the Stargate- which lies beneath Staircase 13, in the laundry room. The Stargate itself acts as a lodestone, attracting by occult forces thousands of Japanese tourists. The Principal of the College is currently a rather excited unicorn, who is involved in bizarre fresher hazing rituals and bedecked with tinsel at Christmas. The college is renowned for its rivalry with L. Ron Hubbard college due to the opposition of many prominent unicorns to scientology. It is due to this rivalry, that Brasenose College is forced to despise Lincoln College, because university regulations prohibit the hatred of one dissociative college identity and not the other.
[edit] Sodham College
Also known as the people's republic of sodham, this college was actually founded by a group of refugees from the biblical town of similar name after God crushed their hometown with his wrath. However, the college remained a hidden underground den of iniquity until the year of 1610 when an unwitting west-country farmer and puritan decided to build a college of his own upon the same spot. The original sodhamites soon infiltrated this new establishment, and for many a year now it has revelled in its reputation as Oxford's most decadent and debauched educational establishment. Sodham is also notable for its perfectly manicured front quad, on which midnight orgies are held, and its large and pleasant JCR. It is also the only college where Rahs are outnumbered by the working classes and/or dirty commies. The students of Sodham long for nothing more than a backwards-walking amphibian named Axolotl, a plan set in motion by the alternative and cool Food and Amenities Officer Edwin Thomas, and for Steven Fry to return to them. Sodham has a reputation for its flirtation with Fascism since the 1970s. In 1975 the college voted to rename the JCR quad to the Benito Mussolini Quad, while in 1984, the JCR passed a motion to have "Nelson Mandela should stay where he is" played at the end of every college bop, a tradition which has continued even after Mandela's ascension to heaven in 1990.
[edit] Christ Church
Christ Church was founded in 24AD by Jesus Christ himself, confirming that those feet did walk upon England's moutains green (if the hill up from the Isis counts as a mountain). Unfortunately for Christ, it was quickly turned away from the righteous path by Sir Theophrastus Rah, founder of the High Church of Rah. Rahism (See Also Ra), as it is usually known, is devoted to preventing the advancement of time, and clutches desperately to the snobbish, quaint ways of the past. The greatest success of Rahism is of course the Oxford Union's time vortex, which keeps the Union permanently in the year 1863.
Christ Church was designed and built by a Mr Thomas Small, who for reasons best known to himself erected a giant depiction of his own phallus (complete with spires and turrets) over the entrance. Since most of the budget went on the tower, which on a clear day can be seen from France, first year students are housed in concrete eggboxes picked up cheap during the Soviet Union's closing down sale.
Harry Potter attended Christ Church, after graduating Hogwarts, as did Alice in Wonderland, who later became Dean. Allegations of an improper relationship between Lewis Carroll and the young Liddell children remain unsubstantiated, although since Janet Street-Porter recently spent some time in the college disguised as a student, such deviant behaviour can not be easily ruled out.
Christ Church's current Dean, The Very Reverend Sir Dr Rabbi Christopher Lewis, queen of the Nile, won his position in a game of Zip Zap Bong, defeating such rivals as Rolf Harris, Roger Bannister, Blackburn Rovers and Xzibit. Lewis wears a helmet and stands perfectly still in the middle of a pond in Tom Quad.
The college is famous for having the largest and most pompous-looking quad in Oxford, for its Cathedral, and also for its Great Hall. Christ Church charges tourists £154 to visit (a 5% discount is available for children, animals, retirees, and mentally handicapped persons upon presentation of the International Mental Retardation Discount Card, Platinum Edition), and currently makes over £45bn per week. Few visitors ever leave.
Alarmed at the recent appearance of a piece of modern art in the prestigious Great Hall, Christ Church physcists are currently working on a device that will allow them to freeze time, thus allowing their beloved college to remain forever in the quiet backwaters of the 17th Century.
Christ Church is reported to be cool beans. This outlandish assertion is yet to be empirically proven.
[edit] Corpus Christi College
Corpus Christi College, founded in 1963 by Elias de Corpus Christi and Cardinal Dick Vixen, is the only college in the university not physically located in Oxford. It is in fact situated in Texas, on the Gulf Coast. Its BA in Oil Refinery is very well regarded and is the current champion of university challenge.
Its notable alumni include Ich Bin Ein Berliner(a famous german sausage philosopher), Mick Ron Sick, (well known author of novels like "The Bill Gates" and "A Very-tedious Boy"), and Foxxy Cleopatra (illegitimate daughter of Cardinal Dick Vixen)
Its corporate symbol is the Pelican. Princeton University later erected a statue of a pelican, even though no pelicans in fact, live in New Jersey, unlike Texas. In a successful action in the late 20th century, Corpus Christi College successfully sued Princeton University for copyright violation, winning damages amounting to over forty pence. In its vain and futile attempt to jeopardise the proceedings Princeton University hired the notorious hitwoman, O Ren Ishii, to kill the judges involved in the case. Fortunately, the cunning and clever Corpus law students, Jun Kochi and Charlotte Bendall, suspected Princeton University to be up to no good, and caught O Ren Ishii just as she was about to decapitate the entire judicial committee of the House Of Lords with a specially built guillotine. This affair has gone down in the history books as "The Pelican Brief"
[edit] The Turl Street Colleges
Jesus College, Muhammad College, and L. Ron Hubbard College are all conveniently located on quaint little Turl Street, also the site of 12 apparitions of the Virgin Mary and 47 abductions by aliens. Jesus College was founded in 1555 by Jesus, when he returned and ensured that no point in Oxford was further than three feet from a church or chapel. Muhammad then published a famous open letter to Jesus, published notably in the Jazeera Gazette, in which he pointed out that two colleges was quite enough for one messiah. Jesus then wrote a tightly-argued riposte in which he claimed that he could do whatever he wanted. Muhammad pointed out that this made no sense, and founded Muhammad College in retaliation.
L. Ron Hubbard College was previously known as Buddha College, and had been founded by the Dalai Lama and Mother Teresa in 1776. However, following Scientology's accession to the status of most influential religion in the world, it was felt that it deserved its own Oxford college. L. Ron Hubbard College awards degrees not available in any other college of the university, including the BA in Xenu Studies, and the prestigious MPhil in Thetan Operation, an eight-year course, completion of which guarantees you a job in any of the 81000 McDonald's outlets worldwide. Recently, the college has come under fire from critics such as Dr Seuss BSc DPhil MB ChB DNA DOA ETC (coincidently a former student at one of the personalities) and a star-nosed mole named gary, who say the college is developing a split-personality disorder. Both colleges refused to comment.
[edit] Hertford College
Founded by Silvio Berlusconi in the 6th century, Hertford College is not only an award-winning college, like the rest of them, but is also an award winning recipient of ALF's firebombs. It notably won the Most Friendly College Award, awarded by the Hertford College Award Panel. It is also famous for winning the Best Inaccurately Named Replica of an Italian Bridge Prize for 472 consecutive years, for its famous Bridge of Sighs. In front of the Bridge of Sighs is an artificial habitat built by DPhil students researching the effect of Jammie Dodgers on Japanese tourists. Inside, it appears more utilitarian due to all the yellow safety paint. Dan Brown is a Physics Tutor there (this is actually true, really true. Wikipedia true!). Across the road from the Bodleian, it is small and pretty, and that's about it really, but this year (2007) there's going to be at least one more uncyclopedian living there than before! The students haze each other perpetually with warm piss and greasy saliva at the beginning of each semester. Perhaps this is why the campus's students were rated No.1 on the New York Times list of "World's Biggest Scumbag's". It has the largest population of Uzbekistanians outside of, surprise, Uzbekistan. The campus is notorious for its variation of beer pong known as 'goat milk pong' and it has the largest animal/human STD rate in the world.
[edit] Kellogg College
Affectionately known as "The Breakfast College", Kellogg is renowned for its early morning fare, where members feast on lambs, and sloths and carp and anchiovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats. Members are known as "Breakfastonians". The college caters to a large degree to part-time post-graduates, and as such is regularly overrun with Japanese tourists pretending to be Oxen for a week or two. Kellogg has a formal affiliation with Christ Church Boat Club, and many of Christ Church's more supple and sexier rowers are Breakfastonians. By ancient statute, Breakfastonians must dine in a separate hall from the Japanese poseurs attending continuing education classes sponsored by Kellogg, and often wear their gowns on non-academic occasions just to set themselves apart from the camera-toting rabble.
[edit] Lincoln College
One of the personalities of L. Ron Hubbard College, Lincoln College claims to have been founded by plankton who came from a thumb merchant's hat. A small college, Lincoln was oringinally crumpled, until it was fully straightened out by 1850 sturdy men. The College was the original writing place of Karl Marx's Das Capital - though it was published elsewhere after a duel with John Wesley.
Lincoln has somewhere in the region of 3.27 penguins. Mathematicians working on this first reckoned there to be pi amount, but they were later proven wrong by Dr Paul Dennis, who asked for more. This lead to one of the colleges darkest hours, when after initially being refused an increase in both penguin size and penguin density twelve third year students pulled each others legs off in an act of rebellion so that, "they to may waddle like their penguin brothers". After several weeks of bloody stump waddling and several deaths the rector finally agreed and penguin density within certain parts of the college was increased. However, size was not, and this is a sore point to this day. As are the stumpy, stumpy legs of the students who survived. The said penguins work in hall as catering staff on special occasions.
Lincoln's first and last Rector, Dame Judi Dench, frequently rallies the masses from her balcony. Whilst knitting. Their first and last rectum, however, only appears once a year, in a festival linked with Brasenose College which involves the spewing of hot pennies onto local children.
[edit] Mur D'lin College
Pronounced "Syzygy", Magdalen is only spelt the way it is to trick American tourists. Magdalene (pronounced "icky icky icky fetang zoot") college, Cambridge is known to be a parody of its Oxford namesake, where the most intelligent cleptomaniacs of the UK are housed. Founded in 395 by Elias de Magdalen (prounounced "Neuston"), Magdalen (pronounced "Arguably lemonade Apostasy Fremington") College is one of Oxford's more picturesque colleges. It was Oscar Wilde's college during his time as an undergraduate, although it was well known that he would have preferred to be at St Hilda's College. Magdalen (pronounced "Hump it before it humps you") is probably Oxford's second largest Rah College. It also boasts a zoo, featuring deer, elephants, zebras, giraffes, llamas, angler fish. The star attraction of the zoo is Henrietta the star-nosed mole. Whenever they feel like it, students or faculty at Magdalen (pronounced "Cashier Number 6, please") may kill an animal from the zoo and eat it too.
[edit] Mansfield College
Mansfield College is the smallest and most transportable of the Oxford colleges. This is because when it was first built it was intended to be mobile, with hydraulic legs that would allow it to walk about town and move to Cambridge were Oxford ever to be over taken in the league tables. This failed due to the generally impractical nature of the plan, and the obvious impossibility of Cambridge overtaking Oxford in the league tables, but the college had already invested significant funds in the legs, which are currently buried under ground. The college has a proud history, being the place where the mineral Australia was first discovered in the late eightieth century. This discovery had to be made retrospectively as the college was not founded until 2112. Its most famous alumnus is General Von Trot, who assassinated Hitler in 1944 resulting in the bringing forward of Mansfield bar's closing time by two hours on Friday and Saturday evenings. All Mansfield students end up as priests or assassins.
[edit] The Queen's College
Queen's was established in 1066 for the education of Queens from the North. This tradition is continued today, although some of the Queens are now men. The college owns several annexes where it hides its Queens. The most beautiful annex is the Florey Building which is, according to reports from the student press, actually an alien space ship which transports the student Queens to their Queendoms in the North when necessary. Many other rumours concern The Queen's College but nobody knows what the rumours are because of the insular nature of this establishment.
[edit] St John's College
There was a young man of St John's Who wanted to bugger the swans, But the loyal hall-porter Said, "Pray take my daughter! Them birds are reserved for the dons"
President Blair's old school. Or was it Brasenose or Balliol? Anyway who gives a toss.
[edit] New College
The abode of notorious born again Christian Rev. Richard Dawkins. Always having to be the newest college means that New College doesn't actually exist. Tutors schedule tutorials there when they can't be bothered to teach their student. Confused freshers can often be seen wandering about Oxford looking for the mythical location. OW-Sue!, the students union, is primarily elected by students living there, imaginary students obviously being the most interested in the largely imaginary location.
In a parallel dimension (accessible through pressing the 'tab' key on your computer keyboard), it is considered a universal irony that "NEW" College be founded in 1379.
Immense popularity as a tourist attraction was gained when Dr Spooner invented spoonerisms at New College (Cue Knowledge!) circa 1885. It has been pretty much deserted ever since.
Anyone who tells you they went there is obviously lying.
[edit] Old College
This is actually a mirror image of New College which exists in a parallel universe (one which is near Oxford). The two colleges where created at roughly the same time when a member of the Bananas in Pajamas cast a Voodoo spell upon a drunken angel who subsequently farted on Oxford (yet again, by sheer chance). This is called Old College because it was formed 1.67 x 10-12 seconds before New College.
[edit] Somerville College
Former college of Margaret Thatcher. Its BA(SITH) is very highly regarded. Before becoming the Pope, Darth Sidious was formerly Professor of the Dark side of the Force here.
Interestingly the Principle is never seen with her cat, Pogo. It is therefore commonly thought that the two are infact one being and in times of strife the Principle melts into a blob and reforms as her cat. Interviews at Somerville consist of performing various sexual acts with the shape-shifting principle on the college quad. These often involve bondage tape disguised as a ball of wool and a rather worn cat 'o' nine tails.
It was said that Madonna and Britney had suggested to shoot their video "Me Against the Ghandi" at the College Gym in Vaughn Building but was stopped by Her Majesty Queen Narnia the Eleventh due to the fact that Madonna and Britney have not shit on any of the toilet in the college.
[edit] St. Jew's College
St. Jew's College (affectionately known as St. Hugh's college by students) was founded by St. Jew of Gondwanaland in 2005. St. Jew was renowned for his pet swan and for having six heads, each of which symbolised a particular aspect of reality and which enabled him to perv at the all-female student bodies of the college. Situated near the North Pole, the students of the college (known as 'Jewsies', or by people at other colleges, 'wankers') have their degrees awarded by Santa Claus. Notable alumni include Aung San Suu Kyi, Roy Castle and the Planet Mars. The current JCR president is the first ever president elected to have chlorophyll instead of blood.
[edit] S. T. Catherine's College
S. T. Catherine's (not St. Catherine's as spelt by the university to avoid embarrassment) was not named after Saint Catherine as widely believed, but in fact the three students who first occupied the buildings, Sam, Thomas and Catherine. Initialy a Danish prison, S. T. Catherine's College was moved to Oxford after the prisoners protested about the utter lack of privacy in the 'Rabbit Hutch' style rooms, bleak concrete vistas and inability of the rooms to maintain a decent temperature. It was the intention of the British Government to use the building to house asylum seekers and Daily Mail readers in the We can All Get Along Programme, but upon sailing up the River Cherwell the building was attacked and occupied by a number of drunken students from the Cowley Road who proclaimed it an independent libertarian republic, before waking up the next morning and realising that a new college (distinct from New College that already existed) would be a much better idea.
The college was eventually so successful at attracting S&M junkies and Northerners to Oxford that further accommodation was needed, and the governing oligarchy decided that to maintain the feeling of the place a new quad would be created, inspired by, and centred on a car park.
[edit] Pemis Broke College
“I think I did that once, when I was in bed with with this lovely young nepalese fellow... oh Pemis Broke, I thought you said... That's not my sense of humour”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pemis Broke College Extra Curricular Activity
Pemis Broke (commonly known simply as Broke) was founded in the year dot by Mr. Broke, of 27 Grenfield Way, Huddersfield (57). It is the only Oxford College to have been founded by a plain Mr. and as such reserves the right to be the poorest, least inhabitable Pile of Stone in the City of Leaning Spires. Broke are wholly owned by Christ Church - Mr. Broke having left The college to Jesus in his will: this caused quite a bit of confusion, as Jesus College still (God knows why) claims the rights to it. Broke is often confused with Brookes, which is not in fact a college but a place for foreigners to go so they can say they have an "Oxford Education". In time gone by there was much friendly competition with The Kingdom of Oriel - culminating in such neighbourly acts as dropping tortoises off towers ... and the like.
[edit] St Peter's Collage
It is a little known fact that St Peter was an amateur artist whose preferred medium was the collage. Shortly before his death he completed his greatest work, a collage of unclever, corrupt, ugly rahs made from pictures cut out of Tatler. It has been on display in Oxford ever since.
[edit] Greyfriars PPH
Towering over Oxford like a collosus, the mighty Greyfriars covers an area of 500 square Metric kilo-hectares, and was founded in the Olden Days by Catholic Jesus before he turned Protestant And Bad and went on to posthumously found Jesus's's College. It holds sixty of the most succulent, plump, Godly, and cock-loving undergraduates in the university, and a contingent of minks who are known to offer the most competitive 'by-the-hour' rates in Oxford.
It also boasts the only building in Oxford to be constructed to look like it was built by William the Conqueror. Rumour has it that this occurred after the minks discovered that Christ Church had pinched all the bricks from their buildings under the cover of darkness, and so decided to spite them by re-building thirty-seven miles away in Milton Keynes.
[edit] Regents Park College
You know the smell of a lady's vagina during her period? It's like a mix of blood, fish, cheese, smegma and other unpleasantries. Well that's what the corridors smell like. Amusingly sited on Pussy Street.
[edit] Balliol College
"Balliol" is actually a fond nickname given to the college by alumni because of the copious amounts of hay used in their stables, it is worth noting that the word hay is spelt with an "h" not a "b", this is testament to the poor quality of Balliol degrees. The original title was actually Gayliol, founded by Sir Graham Norton, he named the college after his sexuality; gay. Balliol has a steaming rivalry with it's neighbour Trinity College. This rivalry was started six weeks ago by Oly Southwick, a Trinity student, who used his knowledge of mathematics to move Gayliol, overnight, to be in "The Bridge" nightclub. This was seen as being hilarious by everyone in the world except Gayliol students (Gays) who were awoken by the loud "house" music, which upset almost all of the students and residential staff and resulted in many freshers crying. Since this event the rivalry has increased between the two colleges with more pranks played week by week. Many of these have been witty and daring on the behalf of Trinity students whereas others, like Gayliol's massacre of primary school children, were seen as less funny.
[edit] St. Cross College
Regent's Park College's immediate neighbour but on the even smellier side of Pussy Street (here it's like a distillation of the Regent's Corridors with vindaloo on its way out the next morning). Colonised by members of the Post-Christian Anger cult, it is reputed to be home to various annoyed people. Ross Kemp is the most famous Alumnus. Also alma mater of Ben Dover and Philip Meupp (dec'd) - the first recipients of a double blue in Coprophilia. It is rumoured that Adam Smyth used the quad (hah - call that a quad? see Christ Church) to perfect his runs on the run technique to avoid spoiling the pure vagina smell over the road.
[edit] Merton College
Located in a slightly different dimension in Oxford, Merton College lays claim to be the oldest Oxford college, founded in 123AD by bicycle maker Sir Walter Raleigh de Merton, of Solihull, England. Merton lays claim to being the only college to not have a library, as well as severe punishments for any students who achieve firsts in any exams.
Many famous Mertonians have been very successful in getting themselves killed by terrorists; the late Airy Neave MP being the only example. Due to the continued lack of success in college rowing, Merton is again top of the Norrington Table, a big solid oak table upon which great feasts of poor-quality college wine and ever-shrinking portions of "meat" are served.
Merton also hosts the world-renowned "Time Ceremony" where college members (or anyone, for that matter) walk backwards through time whilst drinking Port. This comemorates the infamous day when Stephen Hawking discovered time-travel in Mertons own Yellows' Quadrangle, this is one of the more rational and therefore "normal" ceremonies held within an Oxford college.
Dame Jessy-wessy woo-wah (aka "Babe") rules the college with an Iron Fist, which she won during a round of fisticuffs with the Principal of the "other college"; namely Corpus Christi.
The Rose Lane part of the college is the only part of Oxford to actually exist in the twelfth dimension (The Rubix Cube dimension).
Merton's most famous citizen is Mystery Stephen, a bright, out-going and extremely popular Physicist. Interviewed, he said: "I am known in all the boroughs."
Merton is made of pink glitter. Its principal contribution to Brutish Cultural History is the Jazz Butcher Conspiracy.
Frodo Baggins has nothing at all to do with Merton College although he once went to a place called Mordor which also has nothing to do with this article.
[edit] St Hilda's College
A college situated miles outside the city, in the mythical and unmapped area known as Cowley Road (Here-be-Dragons). Founded in 1898, in Oscar Wilde’s absence, by Miss Theodora Beale, a famous (somewhat lost) headmistress from Cheltenham. The college only accepts large bovine creatures, known as Hildabeests (not to be confused with Oxen). Their sporting prowess and degree results reflect this selection policy. They recently voted by a large minority to admit men as well, probably at the instigation of Oscar Wilde. A scurrilous rumour has circulated Oxford since 1899 that all Hildabeests are furiously Lesbicious. This is totally true. Even so, St. Hilda's is often referred to as the Virgin Megastore by everyone else in Oxford, for obvious reasons. The Hildabeest are often mistaken for men, or demon cattle, and live solely on the blood of men they club to death with hockey sticks. A famous Hildabeest in popular culture was Honoria Glossop in Jeeves and Wooster. Goths who look out of place due to their hotness, such as Annabel Lee, from Edgar Allen Poe's poem, often move to Hertford college, or throw themselves into the sea to avoid the lesbian rape.
[edit] Lady Tracy Hall
Although technically not part of the university as it lies outside of the 500 mile cut-off point, this college was founded in 1995 by the CEO of New Look. Before that it was the local shoe factory. The college is notable in its affections towards various aquatic birds, particularly ducks. This is largely due to the fact that the current principal is one herself, called Tracey. Other members of her family will usually visit in summer months, spending the rest of the year in Botswana, making shoes. It is rumored that lady Tracey Hall interviews consist of a short stiletto making examination, followed by a duck seduction session (usually conducted on Front Quad). Marks are awarded for how much the principal enjoyed your advances, and how far you actually 'got' with her (Independently adjudicated by the college chaplain, who is Cilla Black, at the time of writing). Notable Alumni include: Emily Howard (DPhil, Transgender Studies 1995), all of the Spice Girls (DPhil, Experimental Twatology 1995), Mr Motivator (MSc Morning Television Studies 1995) and Donald Duck (did not complete his degree due to molestation charges, brought forward by all aforementioned Alumni) Construction of 'Lady Tracey Hall International Airport' is due to begin in the summer of 2007, fortunately requiring the demolition of 'The Peoples Republic of Keble PLC'. The intention is to provide flights to and from the UK biannually. It is hoped that this, coupled with a proposed jet propulsion programme will improve attendance at university lectures by approx. 0.00000000014%
[edit] Bertie Worchester College
Pronounced Wooster, this college is better known as Wooster Sauce, HP Sauce and “The Saucy Music place”. This College is mainly famous for selling Brasenose College (its neighbour) online to some fat arsed Americans. (Who went on to try and buy Manchester United.) It is reputed to have a better treble choir than Christ Church, as it steals all the best from their Chorister School. Unlike the other Colleges, the Quad is a big dip in the ground, regularly filled up with HP Sauce, it serves as a huge communal swimming pool instead of the lake.
[edit] Courses Offered
- Soup
- Starter
- Main
- Dessert
- Cheese
- Port
- Sherry
- Maths
- Group Masterbation (taught by some paedophile called Phil Arsely)
[edit] Most Famous Alumnus
- Sir John Henry Roberts
- Ian Cooper
- Stephen Hawking
- Tony Blair
- Terry Pratchett
- Chris Corin
- Mr. Bean
- Steven Fry
- Phil Oxford - hes actually quite a pleasant chap. He once gave Hilary one in the border to cheer her up. He truly 'took one for the team'. He died shortly after from having to scrub his cock with wire wool. Widow Twanky was not available to give him advice on penis scrubbing techniques.
[edit] Uncyclopedian Ulumni
[edit] Trivia
- Oxford is superior in most ways to Cambridge.
- If you ever visit Oxford, you will notice that it is almost completely flat, and the entire population travels about on bikes. It has been theorised that the secret reptillian overlords of Oxford are trying to recreate Holland. However, the high student population consistently campaigns against the evils of drugs, posing an effective barrier to a second Holland.
- Oxford's slogan is Domimina Nustio Illumea, which is thought to mean "My wife is screwing the postman".
- Most of the alumni are #####. Rich #####.
- Most of the students are also Rich #####.
- Some people not fortunate enough to have attended this institution carry a large chip on their shoulders: see above.
- People entering from Canada should be wary of peculiar initiations towards Canadians, which occasionally results in private "sessions" with famous dot-com celebraties, such as Bill Gates, Fred Sorkin, and Dr. Michael Cowpland.
- It is traditional for Oxford students visiting Cambridge to steal it.
- Due to a spate of traffic-cone related mishaps, the streetlights in Oxford are now suspended from geostationary satellites, just out of reach of even the tallest student, Big Edd.
- Due to ancient by-laws, Oxford can only ever legally exist in two dimensions. Of course, this arcane law was never traditionally enforced. However, the over-zealous Chief Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs of Oxfordshire CID recently decided to put it into effect, much to the chagrin of Mordalinnnn (pronounced Chiswick) bridge jumpers, who were banned from performing their historic duty as this involved both moving across and jumping down the bridge, an act in clear contravention of Snapper's bylaw.
- In 2001, the number of Japanese tourists in Oxford outnumbered the number of Japense people in the world for the first time
- Despite its spelling, Magdalen college is prounced "Jedi"
- The Latin 'Sub Fusc' actually means "Jedi"
- Full fusc is medieval armour and must be worn with a carnation. Wearing full fusc to an examination results in an automatic pass.
- During the Victorian age, the legs of the Norrington table were covered up to protect its modesty. ("Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Norrington?", according to noted alumnus Oscar Wilde). It was also during this period that Christ Church removed "College" from its name, feeling that its precense was possibility affecting the sensibilities of young women
- Oxford is overrun by chavs and tourists. If you are thinking of staying in the area for more than a few hours, you may want to bring a device (such as a gun or Jew hat) to kill either yourself, or everyone around you.
- One time, a bear got into Oriel college and remained there for 28 years.
- The government of England is proposing to revoke Oxford Universitiy's official status as a university in the near future. This is because no institution can simultaneously be a university and the Queen, the latter of which Oxford is bidding to become once Boadicea snuffs it.
- Oxford offers degrees in sciences as opposed to "general studies" as is offered in Cambridge.
- Park and Ride does not refer to the roller coaster, in spite of what Londoners believe.
[edit] See also
 | The Ivy League |
| Brown | Columbia | Darthmouth | Stankface University | Penn | Princeton | Yale |
