Oxygen thief

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The Oxygen Thief is a common species found throughout North America, Alaska and Hawaii. Also known as "Hippie", "FuckTard" or "Useless sack of Shit", the Oxygen Thief is believed to be a cross between a French Soldier and a Airline Union Rep.

[edit] History of the Oxygen Thief

In 1928, scientists identified the origin of the Oxygen Thief as San Diego California. Initial attempts to keep the Oxygen Thief isolated and out of the general population proved futile and by 1950 the Oxygen Thief had invaded many of the western states. Desperate to keep the Oxygen Thief from destroying the fragile ecosystem of the Eastern U.S. authorities set up check points to catch the "Limp Dicked Oxygen Thief" and isolate them from the general population. However, the plan proved useless as the Oxygen Thief had spread much further east than scientists had first believed, and by 1965 the Oxygen Thief had spread to every corner of North America.

In 1970, the ACLU forced the U.S. Government to recognize the Oxygen Thief as a minority and in 1972 the government passed the "Oxygen Thief Act" which protected the rights of the Oxygen Thieves everywhere. By 1973, the U.S. realized they had made a huge mistake as they actually forced themselves to hire many Oxygen Thieves to comply with equal opportunity laws.

Crippled by their own laws and unable to get ride of the Oxygen Thief, the U.S. government slowly began to grind to halt and by 1980 the U.S. Government was broke, in chaos and on the verge of collapse.

[edit] Ronald Reagan to the rescue

Running on a platform of "No more Oxygen Thieves", Ronald Reagan won a landslide victory getting 99.9% of the popular vote and winning every states electoral vote even though by 1980 oxygen thieves outnumbered other Americans by 2 to 1. Sadly, it was the inherent lack of action by the Oxygen Thief that propelled Ronald Regan to victory as only 1 Oxygen Thief out of 200 million managed to get out and vote, the others were too fucking lazy to get off their couch to bother to vote.

Within moments of taking office, Regan abolished the "Oxygen Thief Act" and told the ACLU to fuck off. Reagan had done his homework and by midnight of his first day he had expelled every Oxygen Thief from the Government by offering them a lifetime supply of non-filtered Camel cigarrettes, Jim Bean and Gay porn, but no paid health insurance, unemployment or welfare if they quit, every Oxygen Thief jumped on the opportunity and the U.S. Government was back in business.

Reagan's Plan worked and the population on the North American Oxygen Thief declined, on average, by 30% per year. By the time Reagan left office in 1988 the North American Oxygen Thief's population had dropped from a high of 200 million to a little more than a million.

[edit] The Oxygen Thief comes back from the brink

With Reagan's departure from office the Oxygen Thief managed a strong comeback and found a new home in the airline industry. Structured almost identical to a government, the airline industry was enjoying rapid growth and needed to hire mindless drones who wouldn't rock the boat as many Airline executives were busy raping not only the consumer, but investors, employees and unions as well. In this environment, the Oxygen Thief excelled as they had no intention of performing any work and just wanted to be left alone, the perfect marriage, but the marriage wouldn't last long.

Throughout the 90's the Oxygen Thief became entrenched in both the airline industry and their vendors, employment numbers are not exact, but it is believed that as many as 10 million oxygen thieves found a home in the aviation industry or an industry that supported it. However, by September of 2001 airlines were beginning to find the Oxygen Thief were no longer as useful as they once were, but found themselves unable to rid themselves of the parasites due to years of Oxygen Thief friendly work rules and regulations that were now beginning to cripple many airlines operations.

[edit] WTF do we do now?

Crippled by Oxygen Thief management and years of losses, many airlines found themselves turning to bankruptcy to solve thie problems. While many airlines found bankruptcy purged their companies of many Oxygen Thieves, they found they couldn't get rid of all of them and now have to endure a life of perpetual Oxygen Thievery.

[edit] Spotting an Oxygen Thief

Oxygen Thieves are best characterized by their innate ability to sit around serving absolutely no purpose except to steal oxygen from those who are actually working. The best way to identify an oxygen thief are:

Total lack of movement. The Oxygen Thief tries to move as little as possible during the work day as to conserve energy for the very moment they get off work. It is at this point the Oxygen Thief engages their stored up energy and leaves the workplace so quickly that little more than a vapor trail can be seen.

Sick. A favorite amongst the Oxygen Thief, they strategically coordinate their sick days with known increased work load days, weeks or months. The Oxygen Thief is careful to build a large repitoire of recurring sicknesses/diseases and when it appears that they may be required to work, they carefully choose an appropriate malady that will keep them from performing their job or keep them home for the duration of any increased workload.

Work Avoidance. The Oxygen Thief has spent a lifetime refining their ability to avoid work. Although most comfortable doing absolutely nothing, the Oxygen Thief always remains in a cat like state of readiness in the event that anything resembling work nears them, it is at that point the Oxygen Thief springs from their motionless state and disappears before any work gets close to them.

Smoke Breaks. The Oxygen Thief, if captured and forced to do their job, quickly retreats for a "smoke break". The "smoke break" is designed to allow the Oxygen Thief the ability to leave the building for hours at a time to avoid performing their job. Although this is one of the least acceptable methods for work avoidance by the Oxygen Thief due to the fact that it requires them to physically move, they will go on the smoke breaks all the same as it is preferrable over work.

Work Dumping. The Oxygen Thief, if cornered and forced to do their job, will spend the majority of their time finding ways to dump their work onto unsuspecting co-workers. If the Oxygen Thief has been with a company for any length of time this becomes inherently difficult for them due to screwing over every co-worker over the years. If the Oxygen Thief is in this predicament then they enter into a stelth like mode known as "Ghost in the Machine".

Ghost in the Machine. The least favorite method of the Oxygen Thief is their stealth like move known as "Ghost in the Machine". This tactic is very time consuming and requires actual thought and effort by the Oxygen Thief and sometimes has to be coordinated by co-Oxygen Thieves. The Ghost in the Machine tactic is simple to understand, but difficult to pull off, it requires the Oxygen thief or Thieves to continually create a chaotic situation at work as to deflect attention away from the fact they are not doing their job, however, they must make sure THEY are not the ones suspected of creating the problems as this may garner more attention toward their theft of oxygen than they want.