Pac-Man
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“That is so hott!!! I want to wack-a! wack-a!!”
~ Paris Hilton on Pac-Man
“Why can't I play as a ghost? I don't like that stupid Circle thing!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pac-Man
Pac-Man is widely known for his popular arcade game developed by Namco and licensed for distribution by Midway Games in 1979. However, history fails to record the significance of Pac-Man and his impact on the universe. Although it is a very fun game to play, everyone in the history of the game who has beat the high score has been a pakistani hashish addict at the time.
These events have been lost from the pages of time until Geraldo Rivera, in his historically famous expedition, unearthed them from Al Capone's vault in 1986. It seems that the vault contained a book titled A Brief History of Time thought to have been burned in the Library of Alexandria chronicling, with great surprise, the history of time.
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[edit] Creation : The Hero of Time
The Big Bang was not created by God, or even Ultimate Jesus; It was in fact created when Erwin Schrodinger beat the high score on a Pac-man arcade machine (previously set by unknown) and ripped the space time continuum in a moment of excitement. Pac-man was then worshipped as a God by all the early civilizations, and generations of arcade nerds after.
Pac-Man’s creation was brought about through Magic (not to be confused with Majic) and was an integral foundation for the basis of String Theory. Ancient passages from the book tell of God summoning a large block of cheese that had been viciously attacked by Oprah during her brief exploration of interpretive dance. The circular block of cheesy goodness had been left horribly scarred with a pizza slice-sized chunk missing. It was at that moment the almighty creator was given inspiration for earth’s greatest champion.
Note: This event was a catalyst for the Greenwich Mean Time War.
God commanded that the newly embodied Pac-Man devour all things evil on Earth, and thus his great hunger began. It was not long before Pac-Man was caught up in the events spiralling out of Oprah’s time tampering. As a result of the war, billions of bright yellow pellets were scattered across the earth. Only the Hero of Time would have the power to save humanity from certain death by bright yellow balls. Though Pac-Man eventually devoured all remnants of the great yellow smite, he was not without obstacles. The Four Colourful Ghosts of Doom tried many, many times to stop our hero, but they failed all 255 attempts.
Rumour has it that a possible 256th attempt was made, but this would have created a subspace schism since God had not yet created enough Hexadecimal numbers in the universe. This meant that the all things ended when FF was reached.
[edit] A Normal Life
rape-Man eventually gave up the duties of being a superhero and settled down in the city of Los Angeles, California in the year 1977. After a failed startup in the booming side of the road hot dog industry, he eventually settled for a job with State Farm Insurance. However, life in the big city would not be so kind to a large walking yellow ball.
The former Hero of Time was ridiculed and laughed at by his fellow co-workers.
“You can’t eat the post-it notes you moron!!!!”
“WTF? You just munched through the break room door!”
"OMG! You yellow freak, you just ate my leg!"
rape-Man was left embittered and confused. His next choice led him down a dark, lonely road…
[edit] Drug Addiction
Yellow pellets were not the only small tasty objects to which Pac-Man was fond of. During his fallout and subsequent firing from State Farm Insurance, Pac-Man turned to a life of drugs and street crime. During his frequent crack fueled binges, he often caused controversy by shouting racial slurs against black-man, pac-man's arch nemesis. This subsequently led to the well known pseudonym crack-man. After years of eating balls, it is possible that pac-man could be homosexual.
Known as Pac-Daddy to most inner city gangs, he began supporting his LSD pellet popping habit with petty crimes and mob hits. The most notorious of these killings was mob snitch Tony “I Ain’t Sayin’ Anymore” Tredesky whose head was reportedly “bitten off”.
Pac-Man consumed so much LSD that he contracted a then unknown disease (now known as Pac-Man Fever) which nearly resulted in his death in 1978. During his stay in the hospital, Pac-Man claims to have had a near death experience where he saw a vision of hell in which he consumed the multi-colored ghosts of the damned. Pac-Man was never the same.
[edit] Redemption: The New Life
In 1979 Pac-Man regained his life and his career after Pope John Paul II, a close friend, intervened. Soon after Pac-Man was approached by Namco employee Toru Iwatani about making a video game based off his life adventures.
Pac-Man the arcade game was a huge success and it damaged the minds of teenagers all across the United States. Currently, Pac-Man serves as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations and is living comfortably with his wife Ms. Pac-Man. He also appears every no and then on TNA as part of Team Pacman with his partner Ronaldo "The Fact" Killingsvanillderburg.
[edit] That Sound That Pac-Man Makes
Pac-Man is not a cow. In fact, he is the disciple of Packman, the last name of Abe Lincoln's killer.
"Wakka Wakka Wakka" is a modern translation, derived from the Latin "Wagja," (pronounced Wa-ki-ah) meaning "OPAH!". The common term is used as a form of intimidation, mainly against ghosts and tramps. When the dreaded words "Wakka Wakka Wakka" are spoken entire worlds crumble under the power of Pac-man. Just hearing the words is enough to make a Communist out of you.
[edit] Movie Rights
Several weeks ago Pac-Man sold the rights to his story to the Weinstein brothers so that his life could be reenacted as a movie. Fans are already speculating how it will play out. Only one picture has been released and it circled the globe like a wildfire or flash flood.
[edit] PAC MAN family tree
01001001010100101 ↔ Crash Bandicoot
↓
God ↔ The Virgin Mary ↔ Joseph
↓ ↓
Mary Magdalene ↔ Jesus Norman (Jesus' half brother)
↓
Jesus.Jr ↔ Tom Hanks
↓
PacMan ↔ PacWoman
↓
sonic the hedgehog ↔ Bill Gates!
↓
J'adore le paissons ↔ Carrot Top
↓
Gingers ↔ More Gingers
↓
All of the world's problems
We have no idea what happened to Norman (Jesus' half brother), sources indicate he invented homosexuality.
[edit] Team Pac-Man
During Pac-Man's war with Gwangi,Pac-Man created a ten person team to combat Team Gwangi. The team fights Team Gwangi,live on Pay-Per-View! The members are as follows: 1. Pac-Man 2. Pac-Donkey 3. Slimey Guy 4. Stephen Colbert 5. Samoa Joe 6. Chuck Norris 7. Don Frye 8. Fred Flintstone 9. Chewbacca 10. Mr. T
- Play Free Pacman Online SHAMELESS PLUG
[edit] See also
- Pacman
- PacMan - play Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man online
- Gingers
- Pacmanistan
