Pagan

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“My Gods! What is this crap?”

~ Noel Coward on Paganism

“Paganism is like, required, if you wanna work in the porn industry.”

~ Peter North on Paganism

“God Bless those Pagans.”

~ Homer Simpson on Paganism

“WE SWEAR that we didn't steal this religion!”

~ Christians on Paganism

A Pagan is someone who is not of this earth and has a deep hatred for the religions of Islam, Christianity, Hinduism or basically any religion that is superior to theirs (yeah, all of them basically). The word "pagan", simply put, means "antichrist." It became popular in the 60's as a way for hippies to legally smoke pot for religious purposes.

1 Definition
2 Paganism - an Overview
3 Druids and Druidism
4 Defining Features
5 Suggested Christmas Presents for Pagans
6 Additional Information

[edit] Definition

one who wears no underwear
one who believes that trees have spirits, such as Vodka or Rum
one who interprets "Almighty God" to mean Zeus
one who chants about their food
one who makes sacrifices (lent and ramadan not included)
one who runs around naked on the full moon
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (see AAAAAAAAA!)

[edit] Paganism - an Overview

Paganism is a nice way to express your ethnical identity/weirdness. Many members of the pagan community are anarchists who only want to build a temple of their gods in Stonehenge, or to sacrifice virgins to Baal during the summer solstice. Paganism is a peaceful religion, as demonstrated by the pacifictic nature of that great Pagan civilisation the Roman Empire. They seek to emulate nature in it's peacefulness and kindness, as is evident with natural events like with Hurricane Katrina. Followers of paganism are often called Druids, Wiccans, Witches, Evil Satan Worshipers or Smelly Hippies (must die). Their belief systems are as abundant as a Christians, with typical pagans viewing themselves as members of a dis... ur.. i mean, unorganised faith, they refer to themselves as a Pagan, a Heretic or just plain Communist. pagans believe in RAndOM CApitOLIsaTION

Keep in mind that atheists hate paganism more than any other religion. This is because of the fated Massacre of the Godless in the year 192. The Massacre of the Godless was atheism's discovery of the existence of pagans, and the realization that pagans worshiped not one, but multiple gods made every atheist on the world's head explode in sheer wanton incredulity. With the genocide of all atheists, Atheism disappeared for thousands of years until being discovered again by legendary Atheist evangelist Billy Graham. Billy Graham and other atheists were able to survive with the burden of the existence of paganism because they had been living with it all along and because of a rigorous praying regimen to the God of Atheism. Thus they hate any form of paganism because it is 'their Hitler'. Atheists also hate Hitler... because everyone does. Because of this, drooling Christian and Islamic fanatics are currently plotting to commit another atheist genocide by unleashing a viral video on Youtube of a crazed Neo-Nazi Odin worshipper stomping on an atheist child's Kids-Get-Presents-Day gift.

Pagans Rock!

In England, Pagans peddle their wares through many internet fora, often trying to swell their incense smelling ranks by overplaying the importance of being at one with nature and talking to inanimate objects (such as rocks, trees and primary school children). The High Priestess of Twonk, one 'Celtic Queen' can often be seen parading around website such as that organised by the Times Educational Supplement wearing little more than plaited underarm hair and with small animal bones knitted into her unkempt pubic hair.

[edit] Druids and Druidism

Druids are well known for their affinity to all things Stonehenge shiny silver objects and heavy drug use. They often are tattoed with so many celtic symbols they no longer need to wear clothing but will insist on wearing a Robe and carrying a wooden Staff which doubles as a pipe. They often are at one with nature and live in forests which limits their income to Foraging, Drug trafficking, telling Stories to Tourists for cash, and selling themselves for sexual services.

Little Known Fact! The Druids were the first peoples to use Unionized Labor. This explains the terrible performance regarding the Stonehedge.

[edit] Defining Features

Pagans are known for a number of defining traits, including:

Love of Metallica T-Shirts
Love of t-shirts with romanticised pictures of wolves or eagles on them
Love of silver (or silver plated) rings and necklaces
Love of been nudey (known as Bringing Down the Moon)
Excessive body hair
Excessive body odour
LARPing
Obesity

A few ways to anger a Pagan:

Call them "Fluffy Bunny". They know what it means, you don't need to.
Touch their oogedy boogedy altar stuff
Tell them that your God, Kalinka, the Destroyer of Underwear is more powerful than their favourite diety
Suggest they are posers how are doing it for attention. Always works but prepare to be cursed

[edit] Suggested Christmas Presents for Pagans

Eye of Newt and Wing of Bat
Buffy/Charmed Videos
Llewellyn Books - warning: see above
Mein Kampf or anything by Francis Parker Yockey, William Luther Pierce and Alice Bailey.
Kabbalah (Even some of those into the above might like this stuff)
Anything even remotely associated with Aleister Crowley
Velvet or Velvetine
a cat, preferably black
A Goat
Borat the movie with some very nice popcornz