Pain
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Pain is available free on the NHS”
~ Tony Blair on Government plans for pain
“A little bit of pain never hurt anyone.”
~ Stephen Brignall on Pain
“I like pain because it takes my mind off other things like how my mom doesn't let me use her mascara.”
~ emo kid on Pain
Pain is good. (Say it fifty times fast.)
Contents |
[edit] Basic things about pain to know
| Hey ouch! Ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! ouch! |
|
| Be careful! You may be injured after reading this article. |
Panful
Well, I mean "ouch!". Really painful. I feel pain.
Terrific pain
When you feel more painful pain than pain, you call it "terrific pain". It is more painful than pain. You feel sharp pain when you feel terrific pain.
Awfully terrific pain
When you feel more painful pain than pain which is more painful than pain, you call it "awfully terrific pain". It is more painful than pain which is more painful than pain. It is too painful for words.
Bleeding
You bleed. Very painful. Don't worry. Blood will congeals in the future.
Ouch!
When you feel a pain, you will say "Ouch!"
|
| If you do something painful when you are feeling pain, you will feel terrible pain. |
I don't feel a pain
When you don't feel a pain, you will say "I don't feel a pain." However, tere is a high possibility that you feel a pain soon.
[edit] Pain Overview
Pain is the title of the much celebrated comedy musical written by Tom Smothers in 1976. It has since been featured as an ABC made-for-television mini-series, a Life-time Movie of the week and a major motion picture, which was retitled Slightly Uncomfortable in order to appease the ratings commission, who had initially wanted to give it an NC-17 rating due to the excessive amount of obese nudity in the film.
The following article will be divided into categories which will describe each of the incarnations of PaiPain - from it's humble beginnings as a one-man off-off-off-off Broadway production to it's blockbuster movie adaptation and even planned sequel.
[edit] Pain: The Beginning
While it can easily be said that many people had the idea of Pain, only one man managed to bring Pain to a worldwide audience. That man was Tom Smothers. Tom had been bringing small amounts of Pain to audiences the world over during his unfunny routines with his brother Whatshisname Smothers during the course of their widely unpopular and unamusing television shows, Hee-Haw, The Facts of Life, Faulty Towers, and another one about some guy from Asia who has a lot of trippy flashbacks and wanders around the old-west killing off gunslingers with Kung-fu. Sadly, the name of that particular show has been lost in the anus of history, and no one knows to this day what it was called.
When Tom and his brother Whatshisname found themselves BELETED forever from television, Tom had a brilliant idea: he would make his fame and fortune performing one-man shows all across the United States, taking particular car to only visit small, hick towns and dinner theater venues.
He spent one drunken night hastily scribbling down the premise of Pain: The Musical on a torn shred of toilet paper as he hovered over the toilet. Tom vomited, wiped the excess splatter away with his notes, then flushed them down the toilet, never to be seen again. The show was a smash hit.
Tom produced, directed, starred and wrote the play, but soon tensions between producer and star forced the director to hire Ed MacMahon to fill in for the role, while the actor went on a three-week drinking binge. Ed MacMahon, a star in his own right and Prince of Darkness captivated audiences with his raucous wit, undeniably Satanic charm and mystified them with his seemingly miraculous Hell Scooter.
The original lead, Tom Smothers, became a recluse, moving to Idaho where he cursed the names of the director, producer and writer of the show, as well as that of it's new lead actor.
[edit] Pain on Television
“Go Sinbad! No, I mean that literally. Go. Away.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sinbad
The ABC miniseries of the play Pain was brought to you by Captain Mini-Teets Breakfast Bits - "Now with the great flavor of TEET!" the letter 3 and the number L5qq. The show attempted to capitolize on the popularity of it's start - Sinbad - but the television executives failed to realize that no one really liked him.
In an unprecedented media blitz, ABC started promotions for it's new show a full three years before they thought of making it. ABC and it's president, Oscar Wilde spent copious amounts of money on magazine articles, cross network advertising, full page ads in the New York Times, prostitutes, cocaine, and Sinbad's frequent radiation therapy required for him to be able to withstand Earth's crushing gravity.
The show opened with a haunting scene of Sinbad sitting in a chair, which has been widely hailed by critics as 'wholly gripping' and 'intoxicating.' Sinbad began to speak, and audiences began to change the channel. Neilson ratings, a litmus test of how many viewers watch the show, dropped to zero as Ronald Neilson, the single test subject, decided he would rather watch a re-run of Battle of the Network Stars.
Sinbad was never heard from again after appearing on the show, so the show was an overwhelming critical success.
37 years later, the Life-time network, which is basically a pornography channel catering to men's more base desires, aired a made-for-television movie version, starring Monica Bellucci, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Beckinsale, and Halle Barry as KittenSlut #4. The show radically altered from the original premise of the musical Pain, and featured lots of nudity, gratuitous sex and plot that the author of this article does not remember, as he was busy masturbating.
It was the highest rated show in cable-television series, and spawned a plethora of merchandising, including the now-famous 'PAIN-full dildo camera phoneTM.'
[edit] Why is there Pain?
Pain is there to suffer and obviously to procreate. Without a feeling of extreme pain when having to listen to your girlfriend whilst she is shopping men would never dare having sex with them so that they'd shut up. Of course a problem occurs when the woman finally shut up, but you want her to say something (because you are, as mentioned before, procreating). Then procreation always leads to understanding how wonderful it is to be a man as you realize how much pain (in this case to suffer) a woman has to go through after 9 months of lying to her about gaining weight. After the woman finally delivered the thing you did whilst procreating (and you really ask yourself if the fun of not having to listen to your woman talk whilst you where shopping but wanting her to say something whilst you where procreating was worth it) this leads once again to pain and suffering which is indeed the reason why pain is there.
[edit] Where is The Pain?
The pain resides in a lovely island known locally as Hell. Throughout your short life, you will encounter many types of pain. Although, YOU sir, have never felt THE pain!! To experience The pain, do some bad stuff; kick a few puppies, write some unfunny articles on uncyclopedia, lick the cream from oreos, and other....stuff. Eventually, you will sadly (not) die, and The pain will come. Send a postcard!
[edit] Do men feel pain too?
Sadly men have to feel pain too. The moment when they realize the truth of the world (and that is that women are just sluts and go on suck dicks as soon as you turn around) you realize that men feel pain. When a man falls in love and truly loves a woman but she finds that boring and she hurts him so much that he wants to die... well that children is when you realize men feel pain too. The only other way men can feel pain is if it is brought to them by Pieter Jan. He is most likely to bring the pain if you take away his peanut butter. Also if a man has kinky african sex he will feel pain. ya ya..
[edit] The Movie Pain
There isn't one.
[edit] Types of Pain
- Frenulum paper-cut
- Oww!
- Corset pain
- Deep Fried Southern Enol Angus
- Taxes
- Catheterization - yes, it hurts like hell although doctors say that you won't feel a thing.
- The pain that you feel when you bonk your head when you eat eggs
- The Pain you feel were you don't want to feel it, yes, AW SHIT MEH BALLSACK! yes, the ballsack
- French bread
- Chicago Cubs fanism
- And testicular pain
