Paladin
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“STFU and heal me, bitch.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Paladins, shortly before drawing too much aggro from the main tank and causing a wipeTemplate:Protection Paladin
The Paladins are a race of knights in service to upholding the ways of God and Jesus Christ. Even though they do their job excellently, they are a whiney bunch. One of the most common things that they talk about is that they are always stuck doing nothing but healing in raid groups, always saying that they don't want people to assume that they are some sort of priest. They also complain over the fact that the shaman is better at Player-versus-Player than they are, but actually that isn't truth, because paladins have all those lame gank abilities[1]
Despite these setbacks, the paladins are spoiled with the finest weapons and armor, and they get their first warhorse for free. They also get all the chicks, which of no actual utility since they aren't allowed to reproduce. Shamans have to pay for their mount, because who would not want to be mounted by a paladin?, and they always have the hardest time trying to get the ladies. This loneliness has led some shamans to become furries.
[edit] History
The paladin order was created by the great Bruce Campbell in 1066. During this time, the paladins were blessed with Bruce's might. It was this blessing of might granted to the paladins that helped humanity win in the 17th War Against Satan. In 1134, Mr. T granted the paladins his Aura of Mr. T, a holy aura which granted the paladins the ability to attract armies of hot women for miles. Not even Austin Powers could compete with the paladin's mojo. Later, in the year 1337, Oscar Wilde gave them Oscar's wisdom, which allowed the paladins to have mind-boggling mathematic capabilities and an exhaustive vocabulary.
In 1560, however, George III made the terrible mistake of giving the paladins a healing spell. His original motives for doing this was to redeem those who have sustained injuries in battle. But soon, people came to the paladins just to be healed, and were soon doing nothing but healing.
A new race of Paladins has emerged, a hybrid of werewolves and Paladins, calling themselves "The Paladin Lycanus" they seem to stand for the aggressive abiliities most paladin classes stand for..... and dog treats.
The Paladin order is now led by the Great Aktehtis. With his hugs of great retribution, he combats evil on a daily basis.
Mearsh of Mearshington hugged his way to victory in the 18th war against Satan and his army of whinny shamans who complain that they aren't good at raiding.
Today, it is not uncommon to see Paladins frequenting McDonalds on Tuesdays for 39 cent cheeseburgers. This signature move (and secret gesture toward other paladins) denotes their most prized ability; cheapness.
The paladins were brought some acknowledgement with the release of the Leeroy Jenkins clips. The Leeroy Jenkins website brought the paladins fame and publicity when it became the #1 most visited non-porno website on the internet, which was impressively 15,724th overall.
However, more recently, Bruce Campbell has come back to his chosen people. With his mighty chin, he gave them the power of awesome once again. Now, he leads his Paladins to combat the undead menace with chainsaws ready.
Quite recently, Blizzard employees coincidentally all got hopped up on red bull and cold medicine at the exact same time and were delusioned enough to give the horde n00b elves the option of becoming paladin. Due to the laws of the universe, every single 2 year old began creating their very own n00b elf paladin, making n00b elf pallies the new most overplayed class, quite amazingly topping twink undead rogues.
The Paladin orders back in Stormwind desperately tried to think of a plan to stop this new n00b elf pally onslaught. though just as soon as they had rallied their troops, attention deficit disorder began to kick in. In a great struggle, the templar paladins tried to fight their A.D.D. instincts, but the temptation of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese was too great.
And so, the paladin orders of the alliance failed to stop the onslaught of n00b elf pallies, and now every single horde instance group in need of a healer are crushed by those cold words the n00b elf pallies utter every time... "I'm ret not holy spec l2p nub"
[edit] Becoming a Paladin
Becoming a Paladin is a calling that appeals only to certain "special" people, and there are some strict requirements that have to be met.
First off, you need a set of plate armor. You can probably find good twine lying around the house, but you probably shouldn't use the dinner plates you have — they're always working their way out of the twine and falling and breaking, and then you don't have anything to eat off of. Instead you should splurge on some of those sturdy plain white plates they sell at the store.
Next, you need to ride on a special kind of horse. You can't just buy it at the store, but have to go through a special, dangerous ritual known as calling for your drug dealer. Provided all goes well, tell him you need horse and he'll fix you right up.
Last but not least you need a sword. This has to be gotten in a special test of virtue that proves you worthy to wield it, known as pulling the sword from the fish. That big fish on the wall in your grand-dad's basement was actually put there by Fate in preparation for this day - grab the sword firmly with both hands and if you can pull it free, you've passed the test to become a Paladin!
[edit] Famous Paladin Orders
According to ancient texts recovered in Washington, there were, at one time, paladin orders. Unfortunately, a bunch got lost in time, shuttled off to other worlds, or otherwise stuck in traffic. Here are a few that still somewhat exist (or should exist in some time period.. we think)
Crusaders: the original big-daddy paladins, they were commissioned by Pope Urban II to retake the Holy Land. They then spent the rest of the ambiguously named "Crusades" figuring out where the Holy Land was. Most grew disillusioned and said "screw it," but a few stuck with it, eventually dying and going to Heaven - and then getting kicked out because their stench was annoying the Mormons.
Templars: This is a sub-order of the Crusaders, with the specific purpose to find and retrieve something somewhere in the Holy Land (presumptions on what they were to retrieve include doughnuts, the Holy Grail, or a Star Wars script written by Alfred Hitchcock). Luckily for them, they actually found the Holy Land - only to discover it was covered with pirates worshipping the Flying Spaghetti Monster. At this point, after some degree of slashing, burning, and overall pillaging, a single Templar escaped. Unfortunately, he also went crazy with his experience, relating his entire story to one Dan Brown, who promptly misinterpretted it to make millions.
Opps, I did it again. Hmmm, Lenon, must be a mad monk. Miracles are createed, not divine!
Paladins are now called pallys which is a cool name for the gayest fuckign ass pwnzor pop-abubble-and-hearth-the-hell-out class, but overall they are tePWNZor crackwhore n00bz
