Pancake
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βPlease sir, Ah want some more!β
~ Oliver Twist on wanting more pancakes
βSir, there seems to be a hair in my pancakesβ
~ Anonymous on the hair in his pancakes
The pancake (now commonly referred to as flapjack, griddle cake, hotcakes and crepes) is a close relative to the heathen devil's food, the waffle. Contrary to the utter nonsense found on the waffle page, the pancake is infinitely better than the waffle. The pancake was invented by the Dutch, who unlike their Belgian neighbors (who invented the waffle), were first to come up with the idea of putting a flour-based batter on a hot griddle. They also invented the term "Smoke and a pancake?" (Recent evidence has been amassed however, pointing to PALE as the primary inventors of the pancake. According to an anonymous prostitute, known only as "Mae-K U Syrupp-e", she was there as PALE attempted to make a pizza, but turned out with a pancake. "It just looked so stupid," said Mae-k, who then dropped dead of testicular cancer.)
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[edit] Distinguishing Features of the Pancake
- Unlike its cratered cousin, the waffle, it is superior in its ability to act like a sponge and absorb the syrup with which it is often covered with; whereas the waffle simply forces the sweet, viscous liquid into the confined nooks covering its top and bottom surfaces.
- Can come in a wider variety of shapes and sizes; whereas most waffles tend to be either circular or rectangular (with perforations), or occasionally in the shape of mickey mouse's head.
- Designed with the common man in mind. All that is required for pancake generation is a simple frying pan - while waffle-generation requires that a special utensil be purchased.
- Pancakes are quite pleasant to look at and were used to soothe anxious or nervous patients during the 19th century.
- Can be used for napkins, plates, hats, shoes, body-armor, cushions, frisbees and as wall decorations.
- Are much more aerodynamic than waffles, as demonstrated by pancake's ability to remain airborne when flipped, while the waffle tends to fall like an lead weight when flipped.
- Outnumber the waffle 5 to one. At diners, you can get a whole stack of five, fluffy, buttermilk pancakes for the price of one rock-hard Belgian waffle that was probably frozen.
- Can cure any illness whatsoever. Waffles only cause them.
- Who loves the pancakes? Everyone loves the pancakes. Nobody hates the pancakes, because everyone loves the pancakes.
- If you don't like it, it is probably a waffle
[edit] More on Pancakes
[edit] How to make pancakes
Ingredients (for 6 medium sized pancakes):
- 3 cups of flour
- 2 cups of water or milk
- 1/2 cup of Antimatter Bacon (Optional unless flying pancakes are desired)
-
rat feces - 1 egg, mildly beaten (Eggs like it rough)
- a dash of love (now available in stores near you!)
- 2 tablespoons of melted butter (automotive oil can be used as a substitute)
- 2.5 teaspoons baking powder
- 6 Cups of kick ass chuck norris syrope
Mash all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Pour into the frying pan and flip when the bottom is done. Or if you like, skip that and just go to the eating part. It all tastes the same anyway. Remove from the pan and enjoy with sweet, sweet mapley syrup.
[edit] Alternate Uses for Pancakes
Everyone knows that pancakes have many potential uses that are just plain stupid and useless
- Body Armor: Protect yourself in the world's hotzones with this highly
ineffective personal body armour that can be easily replaced and is really, really, cheap. Not tested (Use month old pancakes for this task)
- Hats: Start a new trend with this hot and pan-fried sensation. If bunnies do it, why cannot we? Avoid birds.
- Frisbees: What you should do with your surplus Aunt Jemima frozen pancakes? Turn em into Frisbees! Their highly developed aerodynamics and super flying capabilities enables it to fly high and long. (Perhaps too long)
- Cover-up: Pancake batter can be used to conceal ugly facial blemishes such as: freckles, pimples, warts, moles, pre-cancerous growths, hickies, melanomas, lightning-bolt shaped scars and nostrils.
- Bra-liners: Lukewarm pancakes of the 'silver dollar' variety may be placed in one's bra prior to entering cold areas to prevent that dreaded disease nipple-itis.
- Plates: Pancakes are used by varieties of people as plates. You can use them for holding syrup, more pancakes, or its arch-enemy waffles.
- Seats: They serve as seats, silver dollar pancakes are for the young adults and as they progress they get normal pancakes. They make good mats as well for sore butts or just as a replacement cushion.
- Shields: They will protect you from evil Mr.Syrup! This is your primary defense. See body armor.
- Currency: Pancakes was in use as a form of money, in one form or another, at least from 2560 BC until the end of the Bretton Woods system in 1971.
- Weaponry: Pancakes have a savage history of killing the arrogant. When the Europeans fought the Aztecs, they knew they were outmatched, so they resorted to throwing food at them. The results were devastating A well flicked pancake, when aimed correctly, can take off an arm. So, whenever a comptroller tells you to "do your job" and tells you to "stop eating that pancake", and to "contribute to society", you'll oblige, but not before you see him limping back to his office with a shattered knee bone.
[edit] Great Pancakes
At one point, the US Air force considered using giant pancakes as a vertical takeoff/landing fighter but a majority of pilots were unable to differentiate its front and back ends; rendering navigation well-nigh impossible. This problem was further compounded by the tendency of said pilots to mark the dorsal-anterior end by biting it - but then become overwhelmed by its spongy goodness and consume a fair portion of the aircraft. The Flying Flapjack sized in at an amazing 26 feet 8 inches in diameter, making it easily the biggest pancake in the world. Unfortunately, due to drastic budget cuts on the project, the airforce was forced to cancel its pancake airfoil projects and settled instead for a nice, tasty breakfast.
[edit] See Also
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