Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin
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Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin is the latest development in a long line of wonder drugs, capable of curing everything from AIDS to pubic lice. It has also shown proficiency at treating leprosy, SARS and being struck by lightning, among other things.
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[edit] Development
Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin was developed by the company SmaxoGlithKline in response to customer complaints that there were "simply too many drugs" out there. As more and more consumers lodged requests for a truly multi-purpose drug, SmaxoGlithKline awoke to the marketing possibilities. One of the senior executives was quoted as saying:
“We are exploring the possibilities of a new 'Wonder Drug', something to replace the current 20,000 or so different drugs the BNF (British National Formulary) has on offer. We thought: 'What could we produce to give all you customers a break?'”
~ SmaxoGlithKline on Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin
SmaxoGlithKline is in no way linked to GlaxoSmithKline although a spokesperson for the latter said they “were now playing catch up” and “If we had the patent for this drug, it wouldn’t be so cheap either”.
Although there are some who believe that Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin is the v-isomer of Oompah-Loompah extract, the exact chemical formulation is a deeply guraded secret shared between SmaxoClithKline and China. It will be released in generic forms throughout the known world on the 1st of May, 2013 (however, owing the American Governments perverse fetish for overpricing pharmeceuticals, the release date for Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin has been officially postponed in the US to the year 2525, at which time, we are told, "our arms will be hanging limp at our sides, our legs will have nothing to do, etc.") What the benefits of the drug are at this stage is unknown, and, in the american spirit of relentless capitalism, is being released only after it has exhauseted all possible profits. The penalty for dealing in Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin in the The US, The virgin Islands, Guam, or Iraq is being huffed by the former secretary of state Gonzales. However, if you are an Iraqi citizen, odds are this will happen to you anyway within the next few weeks.
[edit] Manufacture
The primary source of Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin is the cerebellar cortex of a bison. It undergoes several forms of treatment, including polygenic splicing, before it is ready to use.
[edit] Testing
The testing period of Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin was completely shielded from the public to contain testing results should they have turned out devastating. The drug was first tested on rats infected with post-traumatic stress disorder, and several African spider monkeys with crabs. The tests showed very strong results, as the creatures grew up to be healthy well-known politicians we know very well today! Although the tests were immensely successful, the drug was not released until many later years because of a scam where several employees from SmaxoGlithKline laced several hundred grams of Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin with cyanide, causing the death of hundreds of thousands of trout.Libellous allegations appeared stating that all animals died in the trials and the company faked the results after a misprint stating as such was made in the SCK’s promotional song.
The drug was never tested on humans because they really never liked the taste. Animal research advocates later stated this was a good thing as animals are more like humans than humans are. They also said all medical drugs are only due to animal tests or at minimum the companies manufacturing them all use monkey slaves to put them in boxes. We tested it on some other animals but they all went crazy and killed one and other.
[edit] Release
Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin was released in early 2005 to widespread acclaim. Indeed, even the British Minister for health advised everyone to "Take Paracetomoxyfrusebendroneomycin!" Consumers flocked to the stores in their quest to get their hands on this new wonder drug. When asked why they were buying it en masse, one happy customer replied: "It's fucking cheap compared to everything else, alright?"
The drug also found favour with doctors worldwide, since it was able to be administered orally, by IV or anally. Many doctors declared it as an effective treatment for myocardial infarction, multiple sclerosis, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, human immunodeficiency virus, pulmonary embolism, and deep vein thrombosis, among much else. Also, several unique cases of the outright curing of HIV were reported, and one happy customer reported that the drug had not only restored his fertility, but had also built up his muscles, thereby making him a heavyweight boxing champion.
The drug's greatest success, however, was in Japan. Although nobody has offered a plausible explanation for why this might be, there were rumours circulating around the time of its release that it was an effective antidote to ricin.
[edit] Side effects
Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin has some minor side effects, and some are not that rare. Some of the more common ones include nausea and vomiting, and many customers reported cases of hair loss. There have also been common reports of the drug causing heart attacks, the growth of extra breasts, and homosexuality. However, the drug is very cheap, and after all, it's only planned for use in the NHS, so you can't expect everything.
One celebrated side effect of the drug was that students studying medicine or pharmacology no longer need to remember thousands of drug names for the treatment of different diseases, since Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin treats all known illnesses (with the exception of DDS and chronic your-mum syndrome ), including stupidity and gullibility.
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