Paracosmic powers

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Paracosmic powers are the 7 powers which are simultaneously entirely useless and immensely popular at parties. The most commonly presented paracosmic power, by far, is opening a beer bottle with one's teeth. However, those who possess any paracosmic power must also possess the other 6, in accordance with Newton's third law of thermodynamics. The complete list of paracosmic powers is as follows:

Demonic Possession- The ability to possess demons and use them against ones enemies.
Telepathy- The ability and irrational compulsion to use a telephone.
Bill Clinton- Bill Clinton.
Opening Beer Bottles with One's Teeth- The ability to open a beer bottle with one's teeth.
Musical Composition- The ability to convert one's bodily constituents into musical phrases.
Shamanism- The ability and compulsion to draw pictures of penguins on napkins.
Whining- The ability and compulsion to whine. The subject of this is usually the burden of abilities 2 and 6.
Magic- The ability and compulsion to annoy rabbits by dragging them from a perfectly comfortable hat.
Innumeracy- Inability to count to seven. I mean, how hard can it be? Belmers.

In addition to the thermodynamic requirement of "all or nothing" (often referred to as the "Cheaper In Bulk" principle), those with paracosmic powers must be used evenly. That is, after opening a beer bottle with one's teeth, one must later possess a demon, use a telephone, Bill Clinton, transform into music, draw a penguin on a napkin, and whine incessantly before one can open another bottle. Paracosmic practitioners usually refer to this as "total bullshit". As noted practitioner Winston Churchill once famously said:

"I can open a beer bottle with my teeth, sure. Sounds like the kind of thing that might get you laid, right? Well guess what. No woman will touch a man who draws penguins on napkins. Now that is just total bullshit."

Some have speculated that Churchill's problem may have indeed been the whining.