Paris Hilton (person)

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[edit] Prologue

Filmmakers of the World (and America)

Film Category Directors Category

Epic Visionaries

Bogdanovich Orson Welles Stanley Kubrick Ingmar Bergman Michelangelo Antonioni Paris Hilton Unrelated Quote Guy David Lynch John Woo Otto Ed Wood Werner Herzog

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

David Cronenberg Uwe Boll Eli Roth George Lucas George Romero George Clooney Steven Spielberg Martin Scorsese M. Night Shyamalan Quentin Tarantino John Carpenter Peter Jackson

Highly Respected in France

Rob Schneider Fritz Lang Woody Allen François Truffaut Darren Aronofsky

Highly Confusing in Japan

Akira Kurosawa Hayao Miyazaki Dario Argento James Wan Yoshi Russ Meyer Mr. Takashi of Japan

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“How easy is Paris Hilton? easier than a bottle of easy cheese: even I have had her”

~ Oscar Wilde

A Paris Hilton is an example of what scientists have long theorised would occur once a certain density of Pop Trash was achieved whilst mixing DNA with a peanut.

It is known more specifically as an Anti-Cultural Peanut Singularity and occurs as a result of a super massive cloud of Mass Marketed Crap colliding with an equally large cloud of Talentless Bimbo and a peanuts DNA. The situation in the Los Angeles area is thought to be an ideal breading group for such a phenomenon. If there is significant total mass, the combined gravitational pull will create an Anti-Cultural Singularity; A cultural and intellectual vacuum from which no worthwhile thought can possibly escape.

If it is not contained, there is a risk of a catastrophic, universal intellectual collapse, the entire learned galaxy eventually succumbing to complete destruction at the hands of this vacuous leviathan.

It is also a massive slut, and is known to mate with equally vacuous cultural nonentities; such as former contestants on Australian Idol. Luckily no offspring were produced during this meeting, but it is theorised that the ancient Greeks foresaw the potential progeny of such a union when they proposed the existence of all the worlds misery contained in an object known as Pandora’s Box. Her chemistry name is Phosphoric Argonic Iodo-Sulphide that would equal her name to .

[edit] Introduction

Template:Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton is one of the leading female plumbing systems to come out of the early 21st Century. After spending most of her early years attending lavish parties and abusing chocolate, Paris is responsible for an ideology which has radically shaped the role of women in the 21st Century, and "that's hot!" As well as being a highly respected member within the daughter-of-a-rich-person industry (which as we all know is tough work), she has also recently become a pinup girl for men with a lazy eye fetish. She is also known for being one of the few people for whom the clock has stopped at 00:14:59.

[edit] Teen Years

“How easy was Paris Hilton as a teenager? So easy that, in fact, she herself WAS the glory hole.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Hilton, at the intellectual and creative peak of her distinguished career.

Paris' teen years consisted of a chaste lifestyle while studying to be a nun at the world famous Beverly Hills cloister. In addition to translating the Gospel according to St. Thomas from Marrakechian to English, she also coordinated the Owens family food drive which helped Terrell Owens' family from starving. She then dropped out of high school two weeks into her freshman year, and rode to the Yellowstone caldera on a camel. However, the camel raped her along the way... Also, the camal was a hitch hiker, also, it was more like she raped him. And despite all, to this day, 9 out of 10 men who tried Camel still prefer women. When she jumped into the caldera, she re-emerged to forever walk the earth with slurred speech, a droopy eyelid, and a damaged brain. She then decided she wanted to be spoiled and whorish, and be super lame to everyone. She is famous for sucking many peoples cocks.

For further information about previous male associations, please see entry under Hitler,"A New Führer for a New Year" here: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Emo-Hitler

[edit] Paris, the author

“How easy is Paris Hilton? easier than a bottle of easy cheese: even I have had her”

~ Oscar Wilde

At age 23, Hilton began publishing books which would form the foundation of the "Woman's Imprisonment Movement" ("Wimpmo" for short). She also published her hit book "How to be a slut in 7 days." It sells, on average, 50,000 copies per day. Shortly after publishing her book Hilton became the youngest professor of gender studies at Harvard University ever. Currently, she is professor of humanities at Yale University.

The first of these books, "Confessions of an Heiress", told the story of what happens when a woman doesn't listen to her male authority figure. The protagonist of the story is constantly battling various sexual addictions, and generally shirking her female responsibilities such as raising children, vacuuming, making dinner, and knitting a scarf for her husband.

She is also the author of "Everybody Humps," "Stick Your Fingers in my Twat" and "Deep Throat a Fire Extinguisher, How To."

Men around the world are now eagerly awaiting her newest instructional book, early copyright submissions have leaked the title, "So you lost your keys inside Paris Hilton?; take a fuckin' number and wait your turn". It's expected to be out this spring.

The next book in the works is called "Sex in prison." This book tells everything, from "how to get fucked by a greasy, hairy, obese prison guard" to "how to masturbate using prison kitchen utensils."

Paris is currently completing her work on Lie superalgebras and the multiplet structure of the genetic code with her fellow Physicist John Giblin.

[edit] Paris, the city

Paris stepping on processed, digested canned dog food in Paris.

The city of Paris, France was renamed Paris by the French Emperor Napoleon Dynamite in recognition of all the good work Paris Hilton has done for the country of France, specially the slaughter of British naval hero Captain Crunch at the Battle of Trafalgar. Other myriad good works for France include the invention of the baguette (insert penis here), giving birth to Jerry Lewis, founding the St Paris Church of Humility and Chasteness and the leading of the French army against England in the Hundred Years War while claiming to be inspired by the voice of God. Among the French, Paris Hilton is considered to be the best thing since sliced bread. Oddly enough, sliced bread was only introduced to the French in 01 April 2006, but that's another story entirely. Since the city is the exact same thing as the person, it's completely useless to the world and completly great for little girls to look up to as a role model!!!!!!!!

[edit] Paris, the Hotel

There has been many rumors that the Hilton family is considering officially licensing Paris as the world's first traveling hotel. Publicists for the renowned family have been quoted as saying "There is plenty of room inside for people to say". Paris herself has been heard stating that she usually admits anywhere from 12 to 150 men at a time. In such days of gender equality one can only assume that an equal amount of women are admitted as well.

The Paris Hotel will also have an exclusive seafood menu, as crabs are believed to be quite abundant within the premises. If all goes well Paris should open for men, women and children of all ages sometime in early 2008. We're keeping our fingers crossed.

[edit] "That's Hot"

“How horny is Paris Hilton? Bill Clinton's on her speed-dial. 'Nuff said.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“I want the prison video.”

~ Oscar Wilde

The only phrase she can say started when Paris Hilton was losing her virginity for the first time when she was 4. She placed her hand on Michael Jackson's infected penis which was inflamed from fever... and his STDs. She cried, "Ow! That's hot!" Jackson replied, "You know it." She then began spitting this phrase out whenever she couldn't think of anything better to say, or whenever she felt like it. Soon, a bunch of Paris clones began using this phrase a lot. Paris also said it when she set her hand on fire, to which the world replied, 'Not hot enough", and proceeded to douse her in gasoline and stab her with sporks. She also said it when asked for her thoughts on the religious disputes in the Middle East between the Izraloids and the Palestiniaks, and if she had any thoughts on whether or not there was any logical way to solve this morbidly fatal dispute. Her exact quote is recorded as: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...that's hot? Yeeaah, I like masturbation so much!! Would you help me??" When Paris was asked in an interview what her opinion was on Absolute Zero she replied Thats Hot. Scientists Worldwide were Fuming turned to an organization called the Secret Priory of Zion, A group which is solely responsible for all celebrity sex tapes since 1658. She made a sex tape with George Bush and it was a disaster because Bush can't cheat on his current fiance..what's her name?..Oh..you know!The intern who screwed Bill Cliton?

[edit] Woman's Imp

As a young adult, Paris studied the history of women both in America and the rest of the United States. She saw that women were doing really well until around the 1940s, during World War 2. She saw that because of the war, many women were left without husbands and fathers to tell them what to do. Women began to think they were equal with men. Some women even began to work full-time jobs, forsaking not-so-important activities like raising families and important activities like sewing buttons and having sex with their Hispanic gardeners named Javier.

Paris observed in shock as women even went so far as to demand equal rights, worst of all, the right to vote someone off the island. Paris knew women such as herself could not be trusted with such important responsibilities as voting and so, this strong-willed women committed to the noble cause of Women's Imp decided to take it on herself to spearhead the campaign to erase any existence of Feminism.

Thankfully though Paris was not alone in her contempt for Women's Rights. She found many supporters of Women's Imp in the American Right Wing. Both Paris and the American Right knew they needed to reverse the atrocities committed by Liberal "Feminists", and they began to plan...

[edit] ...The Trojan Horse!

Paris knew women would not give up their freedoms overnight. If the Women's Imp movement were to be successful, it would take many years. Paris correctly identified Independent Thought as the primary enemy of the Women's Imp movement. The best way to discourage independent thought is through teen peer pressure, drugs, and group consciousness. She used her influence as a celebrity to encourage girls to buy all pink clothing, and concentrate on subjects such as fashion, cosmetics, and shopping and avoid subjects such as art, music and politics..........damn women, soon we will let them vote too.

Furthermore, Paris felt the best way to disarm woman is by turning them into sexual objects. Paris championed any cause that would make girls aware of their sexuality at a young age, such as endorsing the best-selling educational DVD series Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset.

[edit] Role in World Peace

Paris has been using her talents to help people around the world in order to achieve world peace. She single-handedly apprehended Saddam Hussein and Barbara Walters on charges of being "totally not hot" and "lousy in bed" (in that order).

She even used her position as the WORLD WHORE ASSOCIATION president for declaring this decade as the WORLD PEACE YEAR (think about it).

[edit] Conspiracy Theories

Some say that the world is ruled by an evil mastermind robot that is slowly killing off the population by infecting it with stupidity and anorexia. And the worst part is that everyone knows about it. The public name for this robot is Paris Hilton. It goes around in a latex suit in the form of a bimbo and zaps people with its insanity ray. There are hidden subliminal messages of suicide hidden in what it has cunningly described as a ‘pop song’. Its deadly methods are killing off those who are most vulnerable; young girls and women, but it will soon filter through into the rest of the population, with the help of its evil army, the Taa-bloids. We must all fight while we still have the chance!

[edit] ESP

Paris has the special ability of ESP. ESP stands for Extremely Slutty Powers and NOT for Electric Shock Penis (although it has been rumored that Paris does, indeed, also possess an Electric Shock Penis). This gives her the ability to be the Best Whore in Town (Except in South Park Colorado, where the title rightfully belongs to one Mr. Slave), a claim to fame which has made the entire Hilton clan very proud. These powers randomly come and go. They mainly show up when she is in a hotel. Extremely strong in a Hilton Hotel.

The power of ESP also gives her the ability to notice other prostitutes around her. So that she will be the only slut around, she will release her bitch, Nicole Ritchie, to destroy the other sluts. Paris will then say "That's hot" and eat a stick of celery and a delicious cockwich. Which, more than likely, is one of her cousins.

[edit] Paris' Oscar Winning Performance

WARNING: Pornographic Material:

"One Night In Paris" is the highly recognized and praised as one of the greatest movie of all time. It explores the basic instinct of humans through one-night artistic sex. Paris' great acting, such as really actual fuck scene without condom or any birth-control shits, is noticed as the most hard-working shoot of the all history of prone and has highly influenced other porn movie. This movie is one of the most downloaded movie on the internet of all time since Paris decided to release free distribution of this film only for lonely dicks around the world. The constant night-vision shots were considered particularly poignant. According to well-known reviewer Sir Stanley Lolapron, "They evoke a certain mysterious feeling in my nether regions which caused me to manipulate mine phallus to a marvellous feeling of blankness, concluded with a diffusion of a peculiar white substance from its tip. Scientific testing has concluded that this is a strange, marvellous concoction, somehow related to reproduction. Further tests may follow."

Acclaims like according to the New Yawk times, "Through the 70 min, Paris proves why and how she's the best whore in the world.". Rollingstone magazine said "Well-scripted, well-horny, such a graceful fucking. Absolutely One of the masterpieces of Hilton's movie." A Well-known Porn-director Michael Moore commented on this movie "I was fully amazed that her fucking scenes were filmed without no condoms. I wish i was the leading actor." He also mentioned that he wanted Paris as a main actress in his next movie.

With this movie, Paris got her very first nomination of OSCAR Award and won on the Main Actress, Movie of the Year. In the Speech, Hilton said "I'm so horny now that I wanna fuck with Osama Bin Laden. I'm sure his dick would fit my pussy well." Paris' brilliant film has inspired millions around the world and even helped to curb world hunger. Her adlibbing makes for an absolutely stunning performance.

Yes, this is a clip of One Night in Paris, so yeah, it's gotz the boobies...

Paris Hilton: does change facial expressions in this specific movie

Paris Hilton was also the only reason people went to see the 2005 blockbuster "House of Wax", because of the Paris Hilton death scene. In fact, this scene became so popular, later versions of the film cut out all other footage and ran the Paris Hilton death scene for 90 minutes. The tag line to the movie became "See Paris die." Because of this later marketing move, "House of Wax" earned $100 billion, beating up Star Wars 3 at the box office.

[edit] Paris on Safari

After her infamous sex tape scandal the Sultan of Dubai invited Paris to share a safari trip with him to South Africa. She was hooked on the idea after she googled Africa and found that it was HOT. While there the Sultan openly filmed her naked and engaging in Penis massaging acts. She would soon be Shocked to find yet another sex tape in Video Rental Stores. Paris won an Oscar for her role as best supporting actress. However, the trip turned sour when in true Diva Style Paris threw a Bitch Fit when she asked for a Sandwich with the crust cut off. Unfortunately her manager and co-star in One Night in Paris misheard her. Paris Bit into the Mayonnaise and Meat sandwich and then realized the mistake. At this she threw the sandwich over a 120ft cliff. Six thousand African Paparazzi died that day, trying in vain to catch that sandwich, but another twelve thousand had a mighty feast, eating all of the bodies.

[edit] Prophecy

The prophets of Cunt made a prophecy in 1349 AD that reads that the slut of all sluts will visit the earth and have an all out off the hook whoreparty with Britney spears, Lindsay Lohan and about 300 middle aged horny men at the end of December 2008, after which she will probably disappear up her own worn out asshole. Another prophecy says that the dark lord, Aviril Lavinge, and Paris Hilton, can not live at the same time. So Aviril Lavinge tried to kill her as a baby after killing her parents with the unforgivable song, Girlfriend, or the killing song. It backfired, however, making herself seriously deformed. Paris Hilton became famous and now has to kill Aviril Lavinge while studying at Cockwarts, school of sluttiness and STD contraction. She sucks transexual cock.

[edit] Filmsography/Pornography

[edit] Videogameography/Pornogameography

• Dicksuck 64
• Cockarama
• Dead or Alive: Xtreme Asian Anal
• Final Fantasy 69
• Paris and Hentai 71
• Prison Slut DS (touch screen compatible note: only works with penis stylus)
• Saturday Night Hardcore
• Hardcore: Porn Evolved
• Hardcore 2: They're back for more
• HardCore 3: Finish the fuck
• Gears of Porn
• Call of Duty: Suck muh balls.
• Sonic Riders: (unlockable vehicle that only males can use/mount)
• The Lord of the O Rings
• The Legend of Paris: Sex in the Past
• The Legend of Paris: Vagina of Time
• The Legend of Paris: Labia Majora
• The Legend of Paris: The Minish Dwarf
• The Legend of Paris: Dicksucking Princess

[edit] List of Paris Hilton's Previous Sexual Partners

Hilton as the chauffeur of the Paris Hilton

A full directory is available for a small fee - consideration is being given to granting her former sexual partners a special area code as there are so many. Heck you can pick up your local phone book, close your eyes, and point to a random name.Chances are they have had sex with Paris Hilton

She is available on a non-profit basis also.

Sexual Encounters

457,865,754,775,575,999,734,753,465,098 (458 Octillion)...Lets just say she's LOOSE.

So loose, in fact, you can't throw a stone without hitting one of her partners.

2,354,765,723 (if not including inanimate objects, animals or sex toys)

Donald Trump claims that this number is grossly exaggerated and that the only person ever to have sex with Paris Hilton is Donald Trump. He will buy out and then downsize anyone who disagrees. Donald Trump was the man in the sex tape, it was blurry and cold. However, Your Mom disagrees with this, as she herself claims to be the only person ever to have had sex with Paris Hilton. She's currently suing Donald Trump in Los Angeles County Superior Court, for libel, disenfranchisement, and an untold sum of money.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Paris Hilton (person).

[edit] Marriage

In May 2007 she got married to San Quentin and shortly afterwards had children Alcatraz and Strangeways - currently they are residing in Sing Sing although Paris is not happy with the quality of room service!

The Directory List of Paris Hilton's Sexual Partners

Lesbian Partners: Britney Spears, Rosie O'Donnell, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Kristie Do, and Your Mom

[edit] People who haven't had sexual intercourse with Paris Hilton

Me (Thank The Lord)

Magus 10 (He was afraid to call her)

Your Grandparents (Again, thank The Lord)

Black Beauty..but not fully confirmed yet

Marie Curie

John Nash

Ben Hur

Oscar Wilde (all the above quotes were lies!)

Rube Goldberg contraption wouldn't work...

Edgar Allen Poe's corpse(For once a scary dead guy smart enough to evade Paris's T3h_sexual needs...)

Martha Stewart (Scissoring was common)

Hermione Granger (she's banned at Hogwarts)

[edit] Miscellaneous Facts

Paris Hilton is the only thing in existence (living or not) that can be divided by zero. Taking said action results in the salvation of the nations of Africa, yet the only man known able to carry out the task, naval Jesus, passed away after kicking over 50 years of ass.

Paris travelled to Australia in Late December, 2006 for some unknown reason with her sister Nikki. Although Paris Hilton claims she wants to celebrate the new year, everyone suspects (and are probably right too) that she just wants to taint yet another perfectly nice country.

Paris is an expert in exploring new sexual positions on a table in McPornos.

Paris Hilton once participated in an orgy with 3,000,000 men on national t.v, the majority of the public called it "sick" and "depraved", Paris called it "Thursday"

In early 2003, a unit of the 101st Airborne Division mistakenly set up a forward command post in Paris Hilton. Ironically, they discovered a division of the Iraqi Republican Guard that had been hiding there, unaware that the war had ended. For her role in the campaign, Miss Hilton received "The Order of the Flying Dong"; the highest honour that the United States government can bestow upon a civilian skank.

Paris Hilton is the original source of AIDS, which she developed in a misguided attempt to bring medical aid to starving people in Africa. She spread the virus during an aid mission/pet-finding expedition to the Congo, where she gang-banged numerous chimps in the aptly named Jungle Fever series, as well as several of the locals. She was awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine.

Paris Hilton cannot read. She spent her baby years alone in the woods where she was a feral child. At age 4, she was rescued by a group of Catholic missionaries. They managed to teach her to dress, eat with cutlery, walk upright, and speak (though she's still learning). Her brain never developed fully enough to learn to read though. When Paris bit off one of the missionary's fingernail, they left her at the doorstep of the Hilton Family.

After several days in jail converted to Islam and plans to join the Nation of Islam and the New Black Panther Party as the only White woman in the party. Plans to overthrow Louis Farrakhan as the head of the Nation of Islam.

Warning: auditory or visual exposure to Paris Hilton has been proven to cause massive hemorrhaging in the eyes and ears, red rings/lipstick around the dick, causing external bleeding as well. May require intensive hospitalization.

Wakes up every day at the crack of noon to petition Congress.