Pat Robertson
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“I exist. I speak for God. Therefore God exists.â€
~ Pat Robertson on The Existence of God and undeniable logic
Ayatollah Patrick Swayze Robertson (b. Hitler Era), also known as God Jr., is the strongest man in the world, an enthusiastic bigot, the late Chief Justice of the United States, a well-known televangelist, and suspected Communist named Reverend Loveshade who hosted the extraordinarily popular "That 700 Club" on the technically nonexistent Christian Broadcasting Network. He was also the owner of a mine in an undisclosed location in Western Africa that employed child-slave laborers, furthering his place as a world-class douchebag. He was often called "The Teflon Priest" because of his ability to say terrible things, such as his condemnation of liberals for causing the attacks of September 11th, without any repercussions whatsoever. Due to his incoherent and, frankly, hilarious style, he drew comparisons to the late Jerry Falwell. Since some time in the indeterminate past, he served as Consigliere of an organization once headed by Falwell, the National Association of Independent Baptist Covens. However, Robertson was a pennycostal--a fact hidden from his colleagues who thought those who speak in tongues are of the devil.
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[edit] Early Years
Born into a wealthy Bostonian family, young Pat enjoyed badminton and yachting. The family in fact owned a luxurious vacation home in Massachusetts reportedly causing a jealous Ted Kennedy to declare, "Why if that don't beat all! I'm so mad I could drive a woman off a bridge!" Pat first heard Jesus's call in the late 1950's when, just out of high school, he was totally cockblocked by this Jewish guy. As a child, Pat spent much time at the doctors office. While there, he was diagnosed with severe autism and a mild case of the gaut. It's rather unfortunate.
Totally pissed about what happened, Robertson decided to dedicate his life to Christianity. In 1965, at the age of twenty-three, he began his sojourn to what he called, "the unholiest place on God's green earth." He got lost on his way to Washington, D.C., and ended up in California instead.
[edit] The Career Begins
Pat Robertson began his life as a televangelist in 1970, when a camera crew for the hit television show "Punch That Hobo" was combing the streets of Los Angeles, California looking for a vagrant to attack for their pilot episode. It just so happened that the camera crew ran into Pat Robertson giving one of his famous "Sidewalk Sermons," in which he ruthlessly attacked the ills of society. Luckily, a tape of this particular sermon still exists, and it can be found on the internet, or AOL. Just Google for "deflowered", it's the three millionth result.
After mercilessly attacking Robertson (breaking three of his ribs, rupturing his spleen, and tearing his left ear off), the host and producer of "Punch That Hobo" offered him a job hosting their new syndicated talk show, "The 666 700 Club," which would air on the Playboy channel. However, because Robertson lost his ability to pronounce the letter "R" as a result of the beating, the format of the show was altered to religious programming. Of this opportunity, Robertson would later say, "God cleally wocked a mickle that day foah me."
[edit] Success! O Flow'r Most Rare!
In 1981, President Charles Nelson Reilly nominated Robertson to become Chief Justice of the United States. Despite his constant references to the body as "a bunch of Jewy Papist homosexuals," Robertson accepted the nomination and promised to "butch it up a little bit." His duties as Chief Justice did take their tolls on his ability to host "That 700 Club." His infrequent appearances as host (costars Topher Grace and Laura Prepon took hosting duties in his stead) were marred by his growing depression.
It was during this time, however, that Robertson finally found a foothold in the pantheon of television broadcasters. Robertson never actually treated his depression; he conferred with his maid, and he bought copious amounts of the drugs whose names he understood. He would often come on the air in an Oxy-Contin-induced haze, threatening crew members and shouting obscenities at the audience, which was eventually phased out to accommodate Robertson's violent tendencies. On one infamous broadcast, Robertson declared,
"I am the king of all mediumses media whatever. There I said it yeah I said it! Even not God's got anything on me! I'm bigger than JESUS, and I don't just mean lirrally I mean mephorically as well, I think. Someone tell me. SOMEONE FUCKING TELL ME! Praaaaise Jesus, I mean praise Jesus. You know what the problem with this country is? The problem with this country... is? You know what YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?!"
Robertson then fell asleep, and the remainder of the hour-long broadcast was dead air. Advertisers and viewers were dumbfounded by what they saw, but producers at "That 700 Club" saw an opportunity for change. The format was drastically altered so that it centered on Robertson's insane, drug-induced ramblings. A key clause in his contract was changed to finally allow him to physically strike guests if they "bad-mouthed Jesus."
Later on, "That 700 Club" truly made its mark on the world of television when, in 1989, Robertson aired an hour-long exposé entitled, "Jews: America's Silent Killer." It had nothing to do with Jews, and was, in fact, just a regular episode. This was the first recorded incidence of sensationalism in media.
[edit] The Scottish Documentary Incident
In 1997, Pat Robertson took a trip to Scotland with a film crew. The original plan was to make a video for sale on late-night TV called "Pat Robertson and Guys Gone Wild", featuring Pat getting young men drunk and exposing themselves. However, when Pat Robertson was having his daily squinting session, he hallucinated that God told him to do a program on Scotland and homosexuality -two completely unrelated subjects - and the project changed.
According to Robertson's hallucinations the project was now to be directed by well-known propagandist Michael Moore, though Robertson would still write the script. The documentary turned out to be a three-hour diatribe of why the Scottish race were a bunch of homosexuals, and the film outlined more of Robertson's familiarity with the homosexual lifestyle than it did of his knowledge of the Scottish culture.
The many signs that led Robertson to conclude that the Scottish were homosexual include:
- his mistaking the trillions of Scottish men wearing kilts for homosexual crossdressers wearing skirts. Plus the kilt's nature led to promiscuous sex, being so easy to lift up for coitus.
- the dominance of sheep in the country being proof (to him) that the men needed something to have sex with when other men weren't around. He explained that the term "virgin wool" came from Scotland and was proof of the national pastime of sheep-shagging as a homosexual sport.
- that Scotch whiskey and drinking being so omnipresent lead to rampant homosexuality.
- the national dish haggis being proof there weren't many women around to cook for the men, because if there were better food than haggis could be found.
- his understanding that when in the historical film Braveheart William Wallace (played by Mel Gibson) says "throw this poof out the window!", it was in the understanding that he would land in Wallace's haycart so he could have him later.
- his mistaken belief that the Scottish national anthem, Flower of Scotland, is sodden with gayness.
Not only did he offend the Scottish men and sheep, but his film offended women to. He kept insinuating Scottish women were all ugly, another thing which contributed to the drinking, homosexuality, and sheep-shagging. He also repeated an ancient English joke which has driven all Scottish women to take up arms; Q: what do you call a pretty woman in Scotland? A: a tourist.
Because of these reasons, the entire Scottish nation declared war on Pat Robertson. For three months, diplomatic relations broke down between Scotland and America. The Scottish threatened to invade America if Robertson was not handed over, and began talks of "regime change". For a brief while, the Scottish Parliament tried to get the UN involved in military action, but the Scottish did not have enough money to bribe them to go along, and the UN was too busy with their child sex rings in East Africa. Scotland realized that they'd have to go in unaided, alone, working unilaterally.
Then one Scotsman got sober for a minute and realized they should try an embargo before invasion. Importations to America, including haggis, bagpipe music, kilts, and Scotch whiskey soon began. The lack of importation of the first three items did not affect the American people, though support for hiding Pat Robertson began to wane when Ted Kennedy couldn't get drunk anymore and began to sober up.
The American government finally reached a compromise with the Scottish Parliament when the Americans agreed to pay Scotland $5.2 million dollars and get Robertson to give a weak apology and eat haggis for a year as punishment, if the Scottish would stop threatening war and end the embargo on the importation of whiskey. The Scottish agreed, adding that they'd also want a photo of Robertson in a compromising situation with a sheep. The Americans took the photo of Robertson, which he said he enjoyed doing, and mailed it to the Scottish. Importation of whiskey began the next day, and Kennedy was happy. The international crisis ended, and threats of war were averted.
Historians later concluded a Scottish invasion of America wouldn't have worked, since not enough Scottish soldiers could have fit on the back of the Loch Ness monster to have made a successful beach landing.
[edit] Origins of His Nickname
Pat Robertson was originally named Mary Magdalene Robertson by his father. When in college, he made his roommate shout "Yes, pat pat pat!" during their regular meditations. Considering this event a real climax in his young life, Robertson decided to keep "Pat" as his first name.
[edit] Pat's War on Everything But Terrorism
In 2001, together with Jerry Falwell, Robertson issued a harsh condemnation of abortionists, feminists, the ACLU, bloggers, longhairs, Republicans, Democrats, teletubbies,Chicken Huffers and everyone else but himself and Jerry Falwell for assisting in the September 11th attacks. To his dying day, he was still unaware that terrorists are actually to blame.
In 2005, Pat Robertson finally got his wish when a series of hurricanes he had been bugging God about for years finally struck the Gulf Coast of the United States. Hugo Chavez made a speech urging the assassination of Pat Robertson, saying, "There is no need for a costly war when you can just take him out." Within weeks, Pat Robertson was assassinated by Hugo Chavez in a very unconvincing John Wilkes Booth mask. Robertson was replaced as Chief Justice by John Roberts.
Robertson proved his mettle in early 2006 by delivering a message from beyond the grave concerning Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's recent stroke: "If you do something God disapproves of, then you become ill, clearly there's a connection. If you do something God disapproves of, and you don't become ill, well then. Ariel Sharon has divided fnord God's land! It's that simple, folks. Notice how I use the word 'folks' to maintain my down-home, heartland charm even as a ghost?" It is believed that Robertson's ability to engage in selective finger-pointing to justify his religion will only continue to grow postmortem.
Pat also hates any type of coffee that isn't black. Cappuccino, Mocha, and anything with cream and/or sugar. Pat simply likes his coffee black, just like his soul.
[edit] Death
St. Patrick's Day of 2006, Pat Robertson was hanging out with his friend Fred Phelps, dropping the brown acid and condemning the St. Patrick's Day. A member of the IRA overheard them saying St. Patrick was "a sheep-fucking sodomite" and leprechauns were a Gaelic slang for "small homosexual". The IRA man then kicked Pat Robertson in the nuts, and the force of the impact drove his testicles through his skull, killing all his brain functions, which lead to death.
On the third day, he thought he rose again, making his abnormally small mind think that he was some kind of reincarnation of Jesus Christ. The rest of the world knows the truth, that he really, in fact, died a horrible death and was sent down to the depths of Hell to live out all eternity with Satan.
