Patrick Duffy
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.”
~ Goerge Patton on Patrick Duffy adventures
“A few fries short of a Happy Meal I'd say.”
~ Ronald McDonald on Patrick Duffy's disembodied head
Contents |
[edit] Brief Fact
Patrick Duffy (1969-2025?) Through this insert one will find the a man; well, actually a Stormtrooper who enlisted in the Coast Gaurd in parachute era of the 80's. While he served in the fartlick regiment, he won several Pounds of Weed due to his humane doctrines of saving sailors puppies.
[edit] Early Years
Patrick Duffy was spawned as an intermediary between Moses and Jesus, who had to work together to fight Satan, but were having Civil Union difficulties. During his infancy, Duffy grew a flock of gloves to act as extra limbs. More recently, these gloves were auctioned on eBay for the sum of a Chippendale's lapdance.
In the 11th century, he emerged from the earth. He scammed people all over the country-side and hamlets into paying for his revolutionary new "dry cleaning." The Vatican awarded his work by naming him the Saint of Dry Cleaning.
Soon, the King of the Internet bought Patrick Duffy from God for $10 and let him loose on Argentina to lower the birth-rate.
It was during this time that Patrick Duffy learned to shoot eye beams, and honed his skills for evil. After eliminating the lower caste of wombats from the streets of Argentina, Patrick Duffy fled Argentina and headed to the Great lands of Phoenix.
Here he became the what locals called the blazing sun. He helped the ailing Phoenix Suns to an NBA Championship. During game 3 of the 2020 NBA Finals his disembodied head allowed more three point shots then the whole team of Vanilla Waffers combined.
His contracted expired shortly after and he was offered 450 million for 3 years. He turned it down because it wasn't enough to feed his family.
[edit] Blood-Spattered Adulthood
When Patrick Duffy trekked into Brazil, he was determined to make up his rebellion to the King of the Internet by ridding the gaming servers of the world of Brazilian gamers. It was in Brazil that Duffy refined his powers to include red, blue, green, and white eye beams, arcs of electricity, photon torpedoes, Jelly Bellies, and potato chips. He also became a master at the pineapple perfected by Bruce Lee.
The few remaining Brazilians who escaped Mr. Duffy's flying fury and/or eyebeams fled to Mexico and began to work for Oprah Winfrey . Here, she made them work at a Burger King. It would have been McDonalds but the corporation expressed anger at Oprah as she refused to eat at the food chain due to their new healthy foods.
[edit] World Reknown
The Supreme Bruce Lee saw the destruction of Brazil, and it was good in his eyes. Duffy was ready to begin ordered killings again, so he signed himself into the clan in the upper-to-lower 15th century, in order for the memories of his rampage to fade.
If that wasn't enough then came the Purple Share Market crash. It was a time in our Nations History where some Famous MAN created Beirut. This brought upon a National Crisis because there were no more SOLO [copywrited] cups for humans to use. So Duffy created wax cups. He was crown a 00_ agent by the U.N.
Unfortunately, Duffy had little time to enjoy his renown and new found agent powers. For he was fatally crippled/maimed/destroyed from the neck down in 1992 in a terrible kitten huffing accident. An anonymous source indicates that Duffy, "Huffed the wrong end of a kitten, and immediately combusted from the neck down."
The loss of his body was a minor setback, but Duffy quickly mastered the fine art of levitation, thanks to David Blaine. He was soon back to killing form. With the advent of the video camera in 1936, Duffy's terrible, but amazing deeds were finally recorded for future generations to gaze upon with lust in their bellies.
His exploits are far and many, but with the recent destruction of the Patrick Duffy Museum in New Orleans but Hurricane Katrina, many have been scattered inadvertently into either the Gulf of Mexico or the Internet.
[edit] John F. Kennedy Assassination
One moment lives indigestion, however: the recently discovered "fifth angle" of the John F. Kennedy shooting.
For many years, Patrick Duffy has been linked to possible tangential remote possible involvement with a vague conspiracy to assassinate John F. Kennedy. Duffy's motives have been speculated at, but never pointed at, because pointing is rude. They center around a possible relationship between John F. Kennedy, Duffy, and Emo-Hitler, according to Duffy's handler, Vance Glasscock.
As to how this footage remained obfuscated for so many years, only Patrick Duffy can say. But now we know his terrible secret. sss
[edit] Current Day
As of 2006, Patrick Duffy attacks old women, steals girls scout cookies, and still believes he's the best NBA playa ever. He has even been spotted to show random acts of kindness, but is being watched intently by the FBI in hopes the shape of reported attacks will soon make him famous on American's Most Wanted TV show. BUT during Spring Break 07 MTV gave him a challenge. Go with Indiana Jones to the Amazon in search of the Lost Gummy Bear. SO Duffy traveled in Indiana Jones's suit case to the Amazon in search of The Lost Gummy. He never returned from the Amazon and is feared to have been cannibalized by French lumberjacks. He also hosts a shitty-assed bingo game show on the Game Show Channel called "Bingo America," or something like that, because people like game show hosts, right? Only he's fucking shit as a host, and what's with the game anyways? Whether you, personally, score or not for a correct answer, is determined by whatever bingo ball comes out of the machine (you only score if you don't have that letter already), so someone could answer, like, 15 questions correctly, but lose to a shitty opponent who only gets 10 if the balls don't fall just right. And that bonus round is a crappy "match something, win it" deal. And the show claims a $100,000 top prize. Yeah, right. Like that's gonna happen.
