Patrick Stewart
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 Captain Picard Is Aroused By This Article Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise (United Federation of Planets registration number NCC-1701D) finds the content of this article most satisfactory indeed. The gentle, flowing narrative prose contained within this article conjures memories of the smooth skin, supple thighs, and ratty knotted scarlet bush of Dr. Beverly Crusher. Which, if you're Captain Picard is quite a nice thing, I suppose. Speaking personally, that's one of the more revolting mental images of the day, but to each their own. |
βNumber One! You smell like Number Two!β
~ Oscar Wilde on Patrick Stewart
βIt's Star Trek Legacy...FOR THE N-GAGE!!!!β
~ Patrick Stewart on Himself
βI am Emperor Uriel Septim-β
~ Patrick Stewart on Himself
βFrom this angle I can blow your balls clean up into your lungs. One more step, and I might try it.β
~ Dad Savage on Shotguns
BANG!
patrick stewart was actually born in 1992 even tho he looks like a wrinkly old well just old
βNO.β
~ Daniel Craig on Patrick Stewart's meme
Patrick Charles Jean Xavier Luke Max Henry Stewart Tiberius Uriel Septim VII Probably the most famous bald French gnome with an English accent ever to travel from Yorkshire to space, Patrick Stewart is loved by children, crabs, Japanese porn stars, talking cars, Jonathan Frakes and anyone with a least a minimal understanding of talent. He is especially popular in Hollywood as he is known to be significantly cheaper than anyone that was in Lord of the Rings. He is also ruler of the People's Democratic Republic of England.
Contents |
[edit] Early Days
Patrick (a.k.a. Q-ball) was built in the famous steel mills of Yorkshire out of cast off pieces of Sheriff J. W. Pepper and Roger Moore, he was brought to life as a joke by the King of the Mole people. The King sadisticly imprisoned Patrick in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory for most of his childhood. Patrick was liberated in 1871 when Napoleon invaded the cursed place and set free all those who dwelt therein. Out of gratitude Patrick joined Napoleon and served as his official apekeeper for the next decade, caring for his most precious pet. Patrick became disillusioned with Napoleon's decision to include more heavy metal on his fifth studio album and left the band to return to his native Yorkshire.
Upon reaching his home Patrick discovered that it had been transformed from the fertile and promiscious land of his memories into a desolate wasteland as a result of a great and terrible battles between Godzilla and Chuck Norris that raged across Europe in the twenty-fourth century. After roaming the wastes of Yorkshire for an uncertain time, he was imprisoned in an Ikea store by Jay Leno. There, Leno's chin tormented him by forcing him to talk posh, like. Escaping with the help of MacGyver, by dressing up as Napoleon, he realized his destiny: to become the first Frenchman with an English accent to be on Star Trek (apart from Scotty off of Star Trek)!
[edit] Life as an Aristocrat
After a short while (a little more time than it takes a person with no fingers to solve a crossword puzzle, and a little less time than the average emo listens to rap music) the budding and dashingly handsome "Patty Stew" grew quite bored with his repetitive lifestyle. He decided he would make it big. Just as big as his plans to move to Bel-Air upon retirement. Within seconds of the decision, Patrick had grown into his current state, but he was also the owner of a large European estate, filled with servants and concubines alike. Luckily, Patrick was well accustomed to power, so it was no large deal for him to occasionally discipline his underlings by way of anal rippage, and removal. Although the servants often resented their treatment, all of their attempts to induce the illness of sleep defecation in the Patrickicity failed. One brave soul, however, shone above the rest.
A simple septic cleaner at the time, Casey Affleck decided he would stand for his rights. The servant, nowadays referred to as KyleXY, stole the plans to Patrick's ultimate weapon of death. Patrick quickly rounded up his group of lackies (including such figures as Tupac, FDR, and Isaac Asimov, to follow KyleXY into his route of escape: the sewers. Patrick was overcome by the drippage of fecal matter, semen, and hair, and did not think to bring a proper navigator. Still, Team Planet, did not give up. After all, KyleXY had the plans to the Death Star, and would readily sell the plans to any scum, like the Bothan that he was. If Patrick were to be implicated in the construction project, his title of Star Fleet Deck Swabber would have surely been revoked and suspended indefinitely. Patrick did what he always did in these types of situations: followed the source.
In a disastrous turn of events, it turned out that three of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were overcome with a bout of diarrhea. Patrick's expert strategy led him simply to an aroused Donatello, a stoned Splinter, and the rest. They had come so close to defeating Shredder, but lacked the power to overcome him after Krang merged with his penis. Patrick agreed to cooperate with the deranged freaks if they would simply agree to stop stinkin' up a storm. Patrick summoned the power of the Q to become an actor at Shredder's court, where it turned out KyleXY didn't actually work. It turned out that Patrick was mistaken the whole time. Kyle had stolen his diary, not the schematics for the planet of Coruscant. Patrick decided to disband his group, with the exception of the promising Hilary Clinton. The rest were sent to serve as target practice and toilet paper for the TMNT, in what can only be referred to as a brilliantly negotiated compromise. Patrick at last returned to his estate, only to find that he had yet another assignment. Patrick soon embarked on his journey to become Inspector Gadget.
[edit] Filmography (partial)
- First nun: One in the pink and one in the stink (1432)
- Flux Capacitor: The Greatest Story Ever Told (1967)
- The Gestapo: Harry Potter Goes into puberty (1967)
- First Yorkshireman: Return of the Jedi (1971)
- The Duke of Wellington: Das Boot (2301)
- Oscar Wilde as a boy: Schindler's List (1943)
- Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Star Trek: The Next Generation (2363-2370)
- Deputy Secretary of the Interior: Robert's Rules of Order: The Movie (2005)
- Jor-Ell: Superman III-b (pi)
- Ronald Reagan: Casablanca (19-odd-4)
- Inara: Serenity fanflick (2005)
- Fag #3: Jeffry (1995)
- Monsignore Fissure: Gayness on Uranus (1996)
- Macbeth or 'How I learned to eat Haggis and like it' (2007)
[edit] Fun Facts
- His best friend is a robot that escaped from the Libyans.
- Suffers from a fear of fish
- Voted America's Sexiest 15 years in a row
- Once thought to be a sufferer of Wheelchair of the legs, but it turned out he was only messin'
- Is the Archmage of Cripple College, Oxford
- Once let Cecil borrow his copy of "To Kill A Smockingbird"
- Is the head of the American CIA.
- Doesn't give a rat's ass about Kahn.
- Has a moldy human heart in a jar in his refrigerator.
[edit] Myths
- Patrick does not turn into a Werewolf every full moon. He is freely polymorphic, and can turn into any number of objects, including Finland, stamps, norks, oil, baby Jesus and aardvarks at will.
- Although he used to be a daytime theologist on Latvian television, he wasn't the first person to say "Fruttocks" on live TV. That was Mother Teresa.
- Contrary to popular belief, Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellern did not produce a gay love child during the filming of the X-men movies. Star Trek and Lord of the Rings fans everywhere, however, agree that if in fact the two did have such a child, the result would be "frickin awesome".
[edit] ACS
One day, during his command of the star ship the U.S.S Enterprise, he fell asleep. He awoke a few minutes later, he was quoted saying; "Wtf? i have no idea what just happened, but it was fucking sheepy".
But to the facts, it was the doings of Soviet Squirrel, he had brought Patrick Stewart back in time so that he could join the ACS faction. This was a small communist group with some strange abilities. Though Patrick Stewart was some how captured and sent back to his present self of captain of the U.S.S Enterprise.
[edit] Sean Connery Called
He wants his accent back.
And Patrick Stewart doesn't give a shit about it.
