Paul Bunyan

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The famed Paul Bunyan has been a hero to the people and an antagonist to the economy. No celebrity has gained such status with such controversy. Still, it's not hard to see why fans always come back for more.

[edit] Before Powers

Paul Heather Bunyan was born on February 26, 1946. He lived in a toxic waste dump, his mother frail (for the chemicals had turned her into a giant glass vase with teeth) and his father abusive (better known as Russel Bunyan, semi-pro axe-murderer and giant spider); Paul was just seen as another mouth to feed. Paul grew up with five siblings: two brothers, and three sisters. His sisters, Betty, Mary, and Lucy, were harsh to young Paul. Betty was concerned only with boys, Mary soaked up in money (she was a sponge designed to suck....money that is), and Lucy just outright hating him,attempting to murder him with pie). However, Paul adored his two brothers. Luke and John were conjoined twins, renowned for their skills at carpentry. Paul worked by their side, slaving away at projects, until the twins died tragically when Paul was eight. Saddened, Paul went into seclusion for several years.

[edit] The Onset of Powers

At the tender age of eleven, Paul was left to fend for himself. He is rumored to have crawled to a warm pond, in which be basked. After two hours of basking, Paul's skin began to glow. He grew rapidly, thus becoming a "giant". Paul became a nurturing patriarch to the forest. One such creature, Blue the baby ox, took an affinity to the gentle giant. Blue followed Paul for hours, while the kind Paul simply regarded it as a little crush. But it was more. Paul couldn't get away. Blue followed him without a doubt, stalking him in the night. Paul had no choice. He left the forest. And then fucked a cat.

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[edit] How He Saved Christmas

Unknown to some, Paul saved Christmas in the year 1985. As he was wandering through the woods, Paul came across the cookie monster, who begged Paul for some cookies. Paul, who didn't have any cookies on him and went to see if Santa had any cookies. Santa tried to trick Paul by telling him he had sent the last of his cookies to the orphans of the world, but Paul knew that those "cookies" were orphan's teeth. After realizing Paul had him figured out, Santa gave Paul the cookies. Paul returned to the cookie monster with the cookies, but when the cookie monster ate them, it turned out they were really sticks. The cookie monster, angry that Santa had tricked him once again, went to the North Pole, killed all the elves, and held Santa hostage. With only four minutes until Christmas, Paul quickly killed and skinned 400 of the Red Rhino of Oklahoma (even though there was only 200 left), and quickly grew a white beard. He ate Halloween candy for energy and used string to hold up his pants. He then got a sack full of toys and jumped all around the world throwing toys to all the children of the world. When they woke up, they saw that their toys were broken, but they all still had a happy Christmas (except for the orphans, who ,this year, got cookies made from the dead bodies of their parents. Stupid orphans!).

[edit] Paul Bunyan Now

The story of Paul Bunyan after folktales is very little known. Somehow Blue the baby ox found and kept on following him. Paul knew he had to get a secret identity but keep his almighty powers. He went to a 45-year old magician in the woods. However this magician still went to school at PigWarts Academy and he went by the name Gary Potter. He gave Paul a magical potion which transformed him into a person we all know as, Chuck Norris.

[edit] See Also

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