Paul Daniels
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| Light Entertainer | |
| |
| Grand Paul Daniels | |
|---|---|
| Classification | Bald Warlock |
| Position | 'Big Willie' style |
| Weapon | Debbie McGee Staff of Titus Manganese-Dihydro-Phosphorous Golems |
| Loyalty | Porcine |
| Seeks | Witches with GSOH |
| In it for | kicks. |
Paul Daniels is a television wizard from Britain, but not a lot. Initially more famous for his hilariously-obvious wigs and shagging his assistant (the "lovely" Debbie MacGee) he became a household name for revealing the dark arts of warlock magicks on British television (with the help of the "lovely" Debbie MacGee) in front of millions of astonished and appalled nominally-Christian viewers in the 1980s. Now that it is the 2000s and political-correctness from Brussels has meant that all Britons are pagans his show would not be considered so shocking. His catchphrase is "Now that's tragic!"
[edit] Sinister Life Story
Daniels was born Paul Daniel in Surrey (probably) sometime in the 20th century. His mastery of the dark arts was apparent from an early age when scoldings from teacher would cause lightning to explode from Paul's eyes, striking the tetchy teacher dead. His powers were noted by the Ancient Society Of British Magicks who bestowed-upon him the right to end his surname with an "s". It was a mere step from this honour to primetime exposure on BBC1.
[edit] Famous Things He Has Done That You Can't or Haven't
- - Making the viewing figures of Saturday night TV disappear!
- - Levitating backwards vertically between a aeroplane and an ocean!
- - Finding an Immortal (possibly elven) Wife!
- - Not ageing a day in 20 years himself!
- - Turning you into a pig!
[edit] Early Wife (The Debbie Elixir Administration)
Debbie McGee was a creation of the controversial childrens 'Play-Doh' alternative, Manganese-Dihydro-Phosphorous (a substance famed for its ability to harden when baked, but un-famed for its tendency to turn play-time into an incendiary bloodbath) and she was molded from his interpretation of How All Women Should Be
Paul then basted Debbie with the Elixir of Life, shoved an assortment of seasonings up her arse and placed her into the oven on Gas Mark 6 for 50-60 minutes. After checking on her several times (and thus extending her cooking time from opening the oven door) she was still frozen on the inside. Paul decided to jack the idea in and put her in the microwave. He went on to curse the day he ever threw packaging away without reading the instructions.
[edit] Romance Blossoms
Debbie McGee, as we all know, is hot as hell (unless you leave her to stand for a few minutes). In order to secure her allegiance, affections and reproductive organs Paul inserted a scroll into the back of her head (the text of which can be read here and here) Debbie then rose up (literally) and they became the crappy couple we see today. Due to Debbie McGee's Neuro Scrollistic Programming Paul was unable to satisfy her lusty, busty demands and filed for divorce. The case was thrown out of court as McGee couldn't help but watch porn in the witness box.
Paul, however, realised in this moment of clarity that porn was the answer.
Paul now goes about his daily routine whilst McGee furiously masturbates to a sinewy pulsating mass of bronzed couples, resulting in a poignant parody of ordinary married life.
With all his marital shit solved, Paul Daniels was able to continue his path to glory with a song in his step and a spring in his arse (and probably a mop for when he returns home).
[edit] Things Paul Daniels shouts during sex
- "Say "Yes, Paul"!"
- "You'll like this, but not a lot!"
- "Now that's magic!!"
- "It'll all be over in a jiffy."
[edit] The Quest for Gore
Paul Daniels then went on a barefoot mission, in keeping with the Hobbitual theme of his life so far. He travelled the lands of Oxfordshire and had many adventures along the way, involving skunks, Balrogs and Punk Frogs, all of which he slew or trans-pig-rified. This feat luckily led to end the Oxford Pork Famine of recent times (citation required) and Paul left Oxford a hero.
The worst was yet to come...
[edit] What Came
Thus:
[edit] The Lawsuit of the Ring
“One lawyer to sue them all!!”
~ Sauron on Tom Cruise
“Silence! Put your forked tongue behind your teeth!”
~ Gandalf on Closing Arguments
Gandalf the Greyish White encountered Paul in the town of Leighton Buzzard on the dawn of December 16, 2002. The ensuing battle led to each party realisationing that the other had the same strengths and weaknesses as the other (n.b. It was also noted that the Paul Daniels Top Trump™ Card was in fact a Gandalf Top Trump™ Card with a picture of Paul stuck over it). The courtroom drama unfolded and was televised on all the major television stations. Gandalf was offered a contract with classical music label DeathRow Records for his rendition of She'll Be Coming Round the Misty Mountains, which he performed in full military regalia during the case for the defense.
Paul Daniels, enraged by his blistering defeat, engaged Gandalf outside the courtroom and smote his ruin across the pavement and surrounding areas.
[edit] Paul Daniels and The Skexies
Following the above anecdote, Paul went on to make his fortune in Thra, home of the covetous and evil Gelflings. He assisted the Skexies in regaining their freedom and endured considerable troubles through the Gelflings use of gorilla warfare.
The Gelfling leader, Kim Jong-Il, was dutifully huffed by Paul Daniels in front of several people. Kim scurried away to form the North Korean Communist Government, which some say was a spiteful gesture to anger Paul (citation ignored).
Paul has always loved freedom.
It was during this time that Paul Daniels met Flaprot, the leader of the Skexies who helped Paul destroy the Gelflings through the use of their cache of Weapons of Ironic Juxtaposition.
[edit] Paul and the Sexy Skexie XXX Experience
“Have at you, Associated Press!!!”
~ Paul Daniels on alcohol and barbiturates during the MoBo Awards
“Jumping jimminies, you can't Southern Fry pork!”
~ The Guest at the Mobo Awards on Paul Daniels turning an entire press conference into pigs after gorging on alcohol and barbiturates during the MoBo Awards
Their fame was short-lasting however, when Paul turned an entire press conference into pigs after gorging on alcohol and barbiturates during the MoBo Awards. To add insult to injury, the guests at the show realised that you can't Southern Fry pork and an L.A Riot ensued.
They commented that 'Jumping jimminies, you can't Southern Fry pork!'. (see above)
[edit] Paul Daniels and the Doctrine of Hate in Mixed Gender Schools
“Otherwise known as 'people straighteners'”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mixed-Gender Schools
Paul Daniels wrote a doctrine about hate in mixed gender schools. That is, on the subject of mixed gender schools, Paul Daniels wrote a doctrine of hate about them. In terms of doctrines, Paul Daniels wrote one about hate in mixed gender schools, and while we're at it when it comes to hate, the best doctrine out there is the one that Paul Daniels wrote with relation to mixed gender schools. (knowledge of Paul Daniels' Doctrine of Hate in Mixed Gender Schools required)
[edit] Paul Daniels and Death
“Hey, you cheated!”
~ Death on Gout
Daniels cheated Death in what would prove to be his penultimate battle (the ultimate one being gout) and in a heinous act of juxtaposition, Paul donned his Cowl of Calcutta and reaped Death. Death never recovered from this juxtaposing, and is currently being treated for 'severe magic tricks, third degree game show presentation and chronic Manganese-Dihydro-Phosphorous Golem creation'.
Paul was finally killed whilst battling gout in The Oscar Wilde Memorial Hospital in Ffyfe. Luckily, even though his killing was considered fatal, he did not die and went on to spread awareness of Death, particularly death in Middle-Eastern occupied territories.
Paul has shown that his fame and fortune have not rid him of his humility, and has controversially adopted thousands of dead children from impoverished nations like Malawi, Kazakhstan and Tribeca. There is no photographic or literary evidence of this event but it must be true.
Paul is now considered an authority on Death, because old hobbits die hard.
[edit] See Also
- - Manchester United
- - Magic
- - Magicians
- - Wizard
- - Punk
