Paul Hartley

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WARNING: THIS PAGE MAY HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY A HUN
Some (or all) content may be biased toward one particular second rate football team based in Govan.
Do not annoy the author - this glory hunter may knive you at any moment due to a distinct lack of recent silverware.

Paul Hartley is a football player from Scotland. He is well-known for being the most talented homeless in football.

Hartley captained the Scottish team in the 2007 Homeless World Cup, scoring 18 goals in total (4 with his jakey beard) and playing a key part in their eventual victory in the final against Brazil. Hartley was given the honour of using the Cup to hold his Buckfast that night. He currently plays for Cellic, which is unusual considering that he isn't a Fenian.

1 Early career
2 Move to the Old Firm
3 Homeless World Cup
4 2007/2008 season
5 Hobbies

[edit] Early career

Hartley was born in Edinburgh, the son of a snow blower and a tin of Hartley's Jam.

His footballing career started at the age of sweet sixteen, by which point his pubescent set of whiskers had begun to develop into an authentic, straggly jakey beard. Hartley took up residence on George IV Bridge, where he rummaged through wheelie bins and shouted incoherently at American tourists. On 22 March 1996, Hartley came across a discarded football and, after discovering that it was not edible, set about kicking it down the street. As Edinburgh is built on a mountain, the ball rolled down to Leith and into Easter Road, where Hearts are based. His mumbling was mistaken by club owner Vladimir Romanov to be Lithuanian, thus leading to Hartley's immediate signing.

He is Shane MacGowan's twin brother.

[edit] Move to the Old Firm

Hartley was approached by Glasgow Rangers, but declined their offer when it was revealed that he was expected to draw a wage.

Cellic initially lured Hartley by offering him a cold, half-eaten chicken supper. When Hartley visited Cellic Park he fell in love with the scum and depravity of Glasgow's East End, in particular the abundance of heroin addicts, a familiar sight from home. He transferred from Hearts for a sum of fifty shekels and a bottle of tomato sauce, a substance unknown in Edinburgh.

[edit] Homeless World Cup

Hartley was selected for the 2007 Homeless World Cup after having missed out on selection in previous years by having sold insufficient copies of The Big Issue to fund his flights.

His dazzling performance led to him being selected as man of the match by sponsor Billy Connolly in every game he played. Or it may just have been because he plays for Cellic.

[edit] 2007/2008 season

Hartley's performance in the Scottish Premier League in the 2007/2008 season has been lacklustre, with only a goal against Ayr United thus far. In the Champion's League, however, his form has been impressive, with his goal against Spartak Moscow having earned him an honorary Commissarship in the Red Army (though reports that it was awarded by mistake to the wrong team after Hartley went boozing with the USSR's Premier Boris Yeltsin have overshadowed this).