Paul McCartney

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Paul McCartney playing the Walrus for The Beatles' Tragical Mystery Tour

McCartney and his band escape from American police forces to England, where they hope to do everything in their power to keep from being released.

Paul McCartney (1942-1966, 1967-the end of the world) is a British composer, one of the first musicians whose music was at one point inspired by LSD and other illegal drugs, and a member of the pop group, The Beatles. In addition to being a musician, he is also an amateur movie-maker and professional sell out.

[edit] Summary of Life

Paul McCartney was born in June of 1942. His mom got cancer and died. Paul was a pretty child so he got away with being a complete little shit. His dad bought him a trumpet but he didn't like it so he told his dad to fu** off and he bought a guitar. His skills at playing the guitar impressed some sex obsessed child called john lennon so he was asked to join John's band. He got jealous when John asked his BFF Stu to join the band, so he was a complete dick to him until he quit and then Stu died. Paul became the bass player after that. Paul met this ranga actress after The Beatles became famous and they started dating. He cheated on her so they broke up and then he met Linda. He knocked her up and they got married. They didn't spend a day apart except that time he was arrested for possession in Japan, and then again when she got cancer and died. He had a really successful band in the 70s called Wings, but they broke up because Paul was a bitch and didn't want a band anymore. In the 80s he made some shitty music, but then made a good album in the 90s before Linda died. He met this one-legged former hard core porn model and they got married. She made him stop smoking pot and he started making shitty music again. They had a baby, but then he found out she used to be a hooker in Germany, so they got a divorce. She didn't get all his money, but she got plenty.

He started smoking pot again and his music got better. And i love him.

[edit] Early Life

McCartney was born in San Paulo, Bangor, United Kingdom in 1842. By the age of 5, he weighed a fairly average weight and he stayed this way all his life. His intelligence earned him selection for enrolment in an esteemed public school.

As a teenager, McCartney met John Lennon, a superb pornstar in need of a camera. Drafting two other musicians -- a guitarist named George Harrison and a drummer named Ringo-- they formed a band called Oasis.

The Beatles quickly became a horribly miserable flop both in England and America. On the success of albums like "Please Please Me" and "With The Beatles", as well as hit singles like "Love Me Do" and "She Loves You", a movement was started to name The Beatles as being better than sliced bread. Despite the campaign's initial failures, it was acknowledged that the band was more popular than Jesus. But the dream was not forgotten, and it would be something The Beatles would work toward until tragedy struck a few years later due to their Instant Karma.

So popular were the boys that they starred as themselves in two movies, A Hard Day's Night's Day's Night: Memoirs of Liverpool Louts" and Help!, If you wanna, the latter being the better of the two because it was in color instead of ugly black and whitedue to gross bad acting and no sex scenes.

With the progression of time, The Beatles became bolder and more daring musically. McCartney and Lennon both became interested in politics and eastern philosophies. They received both popular and critical acclaim for being opinionated and worthy. The most successful and polemical result of this collaboration was the album Ringo Needs Some Money, which not only took in more than $450 million dollars but also started a political chaos in the U.S. and got Zinedine Zidane banned from playing soccer.

Paul McCartney himself had little to do with the political controversy of the album, as all of the songs that were considered "obscene" were written by Lennon. In fact, McCartney was praised by some critics for his experimenting with electronic synthesizers and new styles of music.

Nonetheless, Lennon caused many arguments with his song "Ringo's Being Spied On", in which he warned Americans of automated camera-hobos. When the obscure country of Hoboland tried to act smart and banned the song, the album became more popular than ever and brought McCartney and his bandmates great success.

Just when they seemed on the brink of something bigger than anything they had done before — something sure to finally place them above sliced bread — tragedy struck.

[edit] Vegetarianism

McCartney maintains to this day that he is a vegetarian (a way of life in which you must eat no animals other than hot dogs), however he has been seen to eat meat in the 1979 music video: "Wonderful Christmastime" (turkey, turkey gravy and bacon-wrapped chipolatas).

[edit] Death

On June 20, 1966, the night of the Beatles' official wrap-up on recording Ringo Needs Some Money, Ringo attempted to convince McCartney to sing The Ballad of Paul McCartney, a mocking song written for him by John. Paul, angered by this, rushed out of the studio in a huff and got into his Austin-Healey. Ringo, having teetered at the edge all those years, finally snapped and pulled a gun on McCartney. The startled Beatle attempted to get away, but Ringo was hell-bent. He fired off two rounds at Paul, sending the Beatle's car sidewinding into a utility pole. The utility pole, obviously not liking being smashed into, crumpled onto the vehicle.

McCartney, now disoriented and suffering from a skull fracture and a couple of broken ribs, managed to pull himself out of the car, but did not see the banana lorry as it ran him down, fatally wounding him. This was witnessed by Rita, a meter maid, who quickly ran to the other Beatles for help, because she needed somebody. Ringo, now totally incensed that he didn't get a shot in at Paul, aimed at the desperately crawling Beatle, but John tackled him as he fired. The shot, narrowly missing McCartney, instead hit a gas main, blowing the beaten Beatle, along with his car and the banana lorry, to Kingdom Come.

The other Beatles, standing in shock as noxious fumes consumed the body of their bandmate, knew that something had to be done. Quietly calling their manager, Brian Epstein, they summoned him to the studio and told him what had happened. Epstein, knowing the press would have a field day with this, decided to dump McCartney's ashes in a cornfield south of Leeds. This being accomplished, the band decided to innocuously find a suitable replacement for the now-late Paul.

[edit] Rebirth

A look-a-like contest was held to find a new McCartney. The winner assumed the life and place of the original Paul; in the public eye, in the band, in his family. Who this man was before remains unknown to this day, though there are several theories, each unlikelier than the next. The label, using devious Communist tricks, destroyed all records of the man's original identity, removing him from photos and killing anyone who might be able to shed light on his identity. There are four things that are known about this man:

1) He was a great misanthrope. This made letting the record label kill everyone who knew him a lot easier.

2) He was flagrantly anti-Communist, which brought him immediately into conflict with Lennon.

3) Curiously, he had both Paul's voice and his talent, which has led to theories about the existence of an evil twin.

4) He uses Paul's identity to this very day; harassing carnivores and shilling for investment firms singing about how it was Yesterday.

The replacement of the old Paul with the new one quickly caused tension within the band. While the music continued to mature and increase in sophistication, John Lennon and the fake McCartney (hereafter referred to as Faul [Faux Paul]) could not put aside their political differences. Fighting between the two escalated to the point where Lennon spiked Faul's warm beer with phenobarbital before an important concert at Shea Stadium. and Faul retaliated by not sleeping with Yoko (no one ever did). Touring ceased after that disastrous gig, but the rivalry continued.

Needing someone with whom he could relate, Lennon ditched his wife and started shagging Japanese diplomat - and former POW emperor - Yoko Ono. All they caused was confusion with fans, who loved The Bonzos but were wondering whether or not to hate Lennon. In the end, Yoko got most of the blame. Another reason for the frustration was due to Yoko calling their group "The Plastic Lennon Band" when everybody else knew that that was something Lennon wore round his head to stop it exploding into a thousand tiny pieces because of the curse the bad fairy laid on him at his christening.

As tension grew, McCartney mobilized, banning Lennon's book and decrying everything he stood for. Lennon counter-attacked with his famous bed-in(once again he called in the press, so that he did not have to sleep with Yoko), in which he and Yoko stayed in bed and encouraged everyone else to do the same in the hopes that the gears of capitalism could be ground to a halt and she could get laid. If everyone stayed home and didn't buy anything they could listen to the Plasting Beatle Band and increase royalties to fund the extrimists like Josh Sinclair and the Pink Panthers. Unfortunately, this only caused more confusion, dirty bed linen, (and bedsores) and Yoko got the blame again.

After Lennon died, however, several goth teenagers brought the real Paul McCartney back to life. The real Paul McCartney then found Faul, and fought him to the death. However, since the real Paul was already dead, Faul forfeited, got a sex change, and became Katie Holmes. Through modern science, the real Paul was actually brought back to life before the halftime show of Super Bowl XLI.

[edit] The Beatle Break-up and Paul's Pursuit of Politics

The Beatles split up in 1970 after a heated argument over who would get to eat the last slice of a pepperoni-and-chocolate-syrup pizza. It turns out that John wanted the slice more because he hadn't eaten all day, as he had been working with Yoko Ono on a track called Seven And A Half Hours Of Silence (John had to stick around for seven and a half hours making sure no one in the studio made a sound). Faul said that since he paid for the pizza, he should get the last slice. George Harrison was pissed off because he argued that John and Paul never let him have any pizza. He said that the two were truly sick because it was stupid to put chocolate on a pizza anyway. Ringo, on his behalf, simply went out and bought a pizza all to himself. John and Faul were offended that Ringo didn't give them any of his pizza, and they sued him. George then sued John and Faul, who countersued George. After a buch of suing and countersuing, the courts told The Beatles to stop wasting their time with bullshit cases and to split up the band. Thus, The Beatles were no more.

Faul returned to his new love, Linda, and the two planned a trip to Washington DC, where Faul planned to become a United States senator. Upon arrival in Washington DC, Faul and Linda discovered the nation's capital to be in shambles, having fallen prey in increasing numbers to the cult-religion of Communism that was sweeping the nation. McCartney wanted desperately to rid Washington of Communism. Since Faul and Ringo Starr shared names with two-fifths of the Communist Holy Quinity, it was very easy for Faul to gain favor with the elite and powerful in the nation's capital. Once a member of the senate, Faul sought to take down political figures who were Communists. He created a secret group called WINGS (Washington Insider Non-communist Generating Society) whose function is was to kidnap Communist senators, brainwash them of their Communist ideals, and reintroduce them into the political machine. Each converted senator would supply WINGS with more and more names of Communist senators, and the group went virtually undetected until all the senators had been turned away from the evils of Communism. Having served their purpose, WINGS disbanded in 1984, and Faul retired from public office. He returned to Minnesota where he resides with his wife and 3 children (one of whom, incidentally, is his wife). Faul has three grandchildren - Vera, Chuck and Dave.

[edit] Faul is...BOND

After an attempt at politics, Faul decided to head into acting, he was promptly given the position of Bond, James Bond. He starred in:

• 0007: Man on the Run
• 0007: Tug Of War
• 0007: Here, There and Everywhere
• 0007: Back in the USSR
• 0007: Her Majesty
• 0007: For No One
• 0007: Tomorrow Never Knows
• 0007: Die Today
• 0007: Decapussy
• 0007: From Soviet Russia, Love is with YOU!
• 0007: GoldenThigh

However, after a couple of years he was fired from the role of James Bond for unclear reasons. One of these reasons is speculated to be that his physical appearance just didn't fit with the image of James Bond, a man. The other was that Sean Connery said that he listens to The Beatles with earmuffs in "GoldenThigh".

[edit] Rumours of Death

In order to fix their image in the eyes of the public, the U.S. government has made up a story to cover up Cheney's upcoming assassination of Faul. Some suggested that it should be said that Cheney tried to shoot a bird and actually got the former Beatle. However, this idea was turned down by Lou Dobbs and Oprah, who said that Americans are not stupid (at least not that much) and will catch on to the scandal. As a result, the government has hired a man named Maxwell Edison, who will take the blame for the murder. FOX, CBS, and the man will air news stories that will brainwash people into thinking that Edison killed Faul by hitting him on the head with a silver hammer. Roger Ebert and other critics have said that no one will believe such a bullshit story, but Bush and Cheney replied to him in an interview: "There's nothing to worry about. Paying some random guy to take the blame always works. Just look at how we killed John Lennon. Same thing. Chapman was paid to kill him. We're the U.S government, bitch. We're greater than God. God pays us taxes."

Faul continues to run from the law under the identity of The Fireman. Cheney invited him to go hunting for his birthday, but McCartney did not fall for it and instead wrote a new song for Cheney entitled "Heart Attack", which was released on Paul's album I'll Never Play in China Again. The album, however, only made $17 million dollars, and most this revenue came only from Britain, since no one in China, Japan, or Canada bought the CD and almost everyone in the United States decided to make their own bootleg instead. Roumers also occoured in 1996 that Paul was publicly assinated and de-shirted on a chilly Berlin afternoon. It was then revealed that Paul infact was pellted to death with shoes and rammed with snowmobiles.

[edit] The McCartney Divorce Case

According to Richard Gere's opening statement to represent Heather Mills in court, in 1999, Faul married his second wife, General Józef Sowiński, four months before the death of his first wife Linda. The press were quick to pounce on he incongruity of the union: Faul was an aging rocker with a history of Bohemian living, drug-taking and vegetarianism; Józef was the one-legged and long-dead hero of Poland’s military uprising against Russia in 1830.

In October 2006 McCartney pleaded with the media, to allow the divorce to be a dignified occasion, rather than the messy mess it was descending to. In a surprise turn, General Sowinski (which sounds like "Heather, Heather, Heather, oh Heather" when played backwards)agreed to stop telling lies, in return for a final peep at Faul's bank balance. Faul agreed on the condition that he be allowed custody of the frogs, and given a small tidal wave, to show to friends at 3pm on the day after tommorrow. Then they began to realize that Heather was only a robot sent from the empire to infiltrate the former Beatles bank accounts and raise money for the all new Imperial Uber Mega Star Destroyer, which came with a remote for its surround sound system, unlike the previous one which needed to be manually controlled when raising or lowering volume. This innovation on the Imperials part led to what is known as the Sound Wars, in which many record companies became former record companies, and music almost died out. This period is also known as the 2000-2005's. Then came the rebirth of music in the form of a method called credence clearwater revisited. This brought all of the bands that were good ( The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Who, anything 60's - late 70's pretty much) back to the general publics attention.This in part led to the mass execution of Ewoks, for no reason other than that Hitler decreed all those with more hair than body mass must die. Of course, since the Sound Wars brought a stop to this. The Amiable Alliance Aimed At Assasinating Astonishing And Affoul AIDES sought to destroy the Imperials grip of the music scence, pumping it full of deathly shrill sounds of everyones ultimate demise called "rap". The A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A. thought it would be prudent to bring in the best pop killers of the century. The Beat Eliminating And Torture of Less Evident Songwriters (otherwise known as The B.E.A.T.L.E.S.) were called in to stir some fry and cook some bacon. They eventually overfed the Imperials and A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A. won control of the music industry, bringing in good bands like Avril Lavigne and Paris Hilton (otherwise known as S.A.B., or suck all balls). And Faul approved. Though afterwards he realized this was all a dream (from the part about the robot on) he had right after going upstairs and having a smoke.

[edit] Music

[edit] Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Strip Club Pandas

Ya, we know, George is pointing at Wedsnday morning at 5 O'clock and Paul is the only one facing backward. AHEM, or should we say William Campbell.

[edit] Strawberry Fields (Song)

BLAH, Paul supposably said I Buried Paul, or Cranberry Sauce , for all you NON CONSPIRICY THEORISTS. *cough*LOSERS*cough*

[edit] Linda Lovelace

Paul is singing about a porn star, the lyrics include lovely Linda...

[edit] Gay Gay Gay

Paul and NAMBLA member Michael Jackson were sing the lyrics: Gay, gay, gay suck my cock...

[edit] The Girl is Mine

McCartney and Jackson pretend to argue about a woman, which would only make sense if she happened to look like a twelve-year-old boy.

[edit] Anally, Vaginally

Paul and Stevie Wonder's #1 hit song. It's about double penetration on a girl.

[edit] Hello, Fuck Off

Directed towards Ringo.

[edit] I Want To Hold Your Wang

Paul, David Lee Roth, and Tommy Lee engage in a Penis size comparison.

[edit] Wonderful Christmastime

What you get if you put a Casiotone keyboard under a roof leak.

[edit] Mull of Kintyre

In 2008, McCartney changed one line of this song to Sweep through the [REDACTED] like the deer in the glen.

[edit] Allegations of Pro-semitism (ohs noes!)

Oscar Wilde has said that Paul McCartney loves Jews. McCartney has been reported to give to Jewish charities. Speculation is arousing that he is in fact a jew.

[edit] "Doing It In The Road"

In March of 1494, McCartney finally explained the meaning of The Beatle's song "Why Don't We Do It In The Road?". Allegedly, him and former NFL cheerleader Christopher 'Big Black' Boykin had "Chocolate Fudge Lovin'" in the middle of Times Square with several hundred spectators watching.

[edit] External links

• Paul's wife Heather afraid she'll be killed by Republicans
• Paul McCartney's Fanclub