Peanut
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“May I swallow your tasty peanut?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Peanuts
“That sounds like sexual innuendo”
~ Captain Obvious on the previous
“In Soviet Russia, tasty peanut swallows YOU!!”
~ Russian reversal on Peanuts
“The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. Oh wait, it is a nut."”
~ Franklin Sherman on Peanuts
“Mmmmm, pea nuts!”
~ The Average Joe (aka TAJ) on Peanuts
The peanut (Arachis hypogaea tuxedoxia) is a species of legume, known for death, peanut allergy, saltiness, the creation of the new wealth in Africa, and being the primary ingredient of peanut butter. The French believe that peanuts are a species of spider.
Contents |
[edit] Origin of the Peanut
The first peanut was invented by American food allergy enthusiast George Washington Carver in 1943, by splicing the genes of the common garden pea (Pisum sativum) and President Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Homo sapiens democratus). Adding a cane and top hat, the peanut tainted snack foods everywhere, killing thousands of innocent allergenic children who are not old enough to read the ingredients.
[edit] Peanut Progression
The peanut became an instant hit with food allergy enthusiast all over the world. The WFAEA, or World Food Allergy Enthusiast Association, adopted it as their international symbol. The peanut soon appeared in candy bars, trail mixes, and even butter. When George Washington Carver founded the Planters Peanut company, named after his ancestors—"Y'all plantahs," as their masters employers called them—the peanut became instantly affordable and even more salty. In Africa, where salt is treated like gold, the peanut became the new currency. In Mexico, the tortured circus elephants found the peanut to be a preffered reward for the show well performed. By 1953, the peanut was a staple food for the Chinese, replacing rice.
[edit] Food Allergy Crisis
As the peanut is being found more and more in candy bars and butter, thousands of allergenic children are beginning to die. The 1954 census concluded a 33% percent population drop for persons under the age of eighteen. Jelly was created as an allergy preventative, but only caused a surge in death tolls because of its high petroleum content. By 1956, and to the dismay of the WFAEA, ingredients were required by law to provide contents of snack foods. Unfortunately, children who cannot read were unprotected by this law. Thousands more died from anaphylaxis. The WFAEA began its climb towards world domination.
[edit] The Peanut Today
The peanut today is the main currency of Nigeria. It is the staple food of North America, Europe, Australia, Asia, Africa, and the circus elephants of Latin America. It is one of the cheapest and most inexpensive foods one can buy. High in protein (thanks to Arnold), but not considered a meat, it is a favorite of vegans. The Planters Peanut Plant is a multi-billion dollar industry. Many new flavors came out since the creation of the peanut. Such as:
- Butter
- Salt
- More Salt
- Some More Butter
- Even More Salt
- Baked
- Bacon
- Ranch
- Walnut
- Pine Nut
- Almond
- Salt Lick
- Blueberry
[edit] What to do if your allergenic child has eaten a peanut
The first thing to do is to not panic! Don't Panic! Above all DO NOT PANIC!!!!! If you do, your child might live, and you don't want that, do you? Wha...? You do?! What kind of pervert are you!?!
Anyway, a child's allergic reaction is dependent on volume consumption. A single peanut gives you a two hour window to save his life. Dr. Heimlich developed these life saving techniques in the occurrence that your child had eaten a peanut:
1. Read the ingredients to make sure your child is not faking
2. Give them a spoonful of antihistimine (Benadryl)
3. Inject him with an epinephrine pen
4. If he is not cured, give him some more antihistimine
5. If still nothing, kick your child
6. Call an ambulence
7. Give him a glass of milk
And if all else fails, perform the Hemlock Remover:
1. Place your left hand on his shoulder
2. With your right hand, hit him across his back, moving your fist in an upward motion
3. Repeat until item has been coughed up. Or until neighbors look through the window and charge you with child-abuse.
[edit] Peanut Logic
According to Franklin Sherman, a contemporary thinker, peanuts are not peas; rather, they are nuts. If we take this to be true, then peanut is unequal to pea and
from which can be derived that
because
From this equation we know the now well-known truth that dividing anything by a pea will end the world. This has saved humanity many times. But more on the subject of peanuts... This leads us to another astonishing truth: peanut is unequal to 0, which makes it safe to divide things by peanuts. From this equation can also be derived that 
is unequal to 0, therefore nut is unequal to 0 and nuts are unequal to peas, which equal 0. Therefore, nuts are not peas.
