Peanuts

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Peanuts, not to be confused with Peanut or P-Nuts, is an elite quasi-military fighting force originating in that tumultuous period of piracy and lawlessness we know as the 1970s. Formed by United States of America president Richard Nixon to do battle with the forces of Communism, Huffing, Thought Control, Sci-Fiism, Logic, New Math and Neo-Patrimonialism that threaten to clog up the arteries of the heartland of America. This highly secret organization is lead by the fearless ex-triad Charlie Brown and his rag-tag group of mercenaries, psychics and computer hackers. The existence of this organization has been successfully covered up by a campaign of misdirection led by Charles M. Schulz, first via surrealist newspaper cartoon strips, and later through television, movies and mass merchandise.

Contents 1 Origins 2 Structure 3 Communications 4 Senior Team Members 5 On the Ground Assets 6 Enemies 7 See Also

[edit] Origins

Peanuts originated in May 1971 when three great men - Richard Nixon, Charles M. Schulz, and Charlie Brown - had a chance encounter in a Shanghai taxi cab. Nixon was there stealing China's virginity for capitalism; Schulz was learning the way of the huddled tiger fist in the Jade Buddha Temple and Brown was on a mission to stop Oscar Wilde from stealing the world's oxygen supply. Each man knew that the fate of the world stood in the balance every minute of every day and that the only way to stop the evil forces that threatened democracy and freedom was to create a super-powerful and super-covert organization of brilliant and driven individuals. Thus Peanuts was born. Some believe that the name Peanuts originates from a Thai hooker the trio shared when celebrating the birth of the organization, in Bangkok. That's my favourite city right there.

[edit] Structure

The organization is headed by its immortal ruler, Charlie Brown, whose cyborg death poodle Snoopy stays constantly by his side. His right hand 'man' is the rambunctious and aggressive, yet lovable, Peppermint Patty. Third in command is the beautiful and deadly Lucy Van Pelt, Charles M. Schulz manages the corporate side of things (including communications) and the head of Richard Nixon liaises with various governments for funding.

[edit] Communications

Where Peanuts has succeeded when other secret organizations of the same scope have failed miserably is in the brilliant combination of misdirection and efficiency in their communications. Peanuts, both at home and in the field, communicates through highly complex codes implanted in the 'public' Peanuts franchise media and merchandise. The organization originally communicated through cartoon strips distributed to newspapers worldwide. But as the organization grew and its missions became more complex its communications needs grew to. Thus the 'public' Peanuts expanded into ever broader range of media outlets.

Today, anywhere in the world at any time, a covert Peanuts operative can be updated with mission objectives and key information by opening a newspaper to the funnies or going to any mall and purchasing cleverly disguised and marketed Peanuts merchandise. To this day none of the forces of evil have been able to crack Charles M. Shulz codes. The stories portrayed in the cartoon strips, TV series and movies are often full of metaphors for the real life adventures of the Peanuts team.

[edit] Senior Team Members

Peanuts is a vast international organization involving tens of thousands of soldiers, sailors, tinkers, tailors, beggarmen and thieves, but there are a few key members that have been with the organization since the early days and make up its core. These are:

• Charlie Brown: A redeemed criminal, High Commander Charlie Brown is the superior officer in charge of the entire Peanuts organization, a task he carries out with a fist of iron from his office on the peak of Mt. Liberty on Kodiak Island. Born in 1623, Charlie Brown is a grandmaster of fencing and dewing doo and is the quintessential ladies' man.

• Peppermint Patty': Peppermint Patty's compassion for her friends is only matched by her terrible, terrible hatred for her enemies. Both feared and loved by all, she is second-in-command of the organization. She is loud, brash, aggressive, competitive and known for leading the most exciting, dangerous missions. Always by her side is lover and confidant Marcie.

• Lucy Van Pelt: Were a fim ever to be based on Peanuts, the love interest would be played by beautiful Lucy Van Pelt. Luscious, bosomy and absolutely lethal, she is third in command. She has been reincarnated many times; in her last life time she single-handedly defeated King George II and his Mech Army at the Battle of Waterloo and freed the British from tyranny.

Charlie Brown tried to seduce Lucy at least once; while the two of them were in a wading pool, he inserted his penis into Lucy's vagina, telling her that if he were to remove it, they would both sink. Lucy, however, did not believe this, and forced Charlie Brown to remove his penis. They, of course, immediately sank and began drowning; they would have died had Snoopy not showed up just in time to give them both mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

• Linus Van Pelt: Linus is often considered the quiet, brooding one of the main four Peanuts leaders. He often tempers Charlie Brown and Lucy's bravado by making them consider the bigger picture. He’s somewhat of a Spock figure. Trained by the Thuggee strangling cult in India, his weapon of choice is a blue blanket, which he uses to terrifying effect.

• Snoopy: Robotic hound of death Snoopy is Charlie Brown's best and most loyal friend. The two have been on many adventures together and Snoopy has saved Charlie Brown's life many times and vice versa. Snoopy leads the Peanuts Air Force (P.A.F) from his command Zeppelin PSS Red Zulu.

• Woodstock: A super-intelligent robot bird, Woodstock is from another galaxy and leads Peanuts' scientific research team. However, he is no desk-jockey - he often accompanies Peanuts commando troops on dangerous missions as an advisor. It is believed that he travelled back in time and disguised himself as the bullet that killed Abraham Lincoln.

• Marcie: Peppermint Patty's lover and personal assistant, Marcie is the only thing Peppermint Patty truly cares about in this crazy mucked up world. The terrible, terrible anger of Peppermint Patty is often softened and curtailed by Marcie's compassion for all living things. For example, the small nation of Azerbaijan (home to twelve times the evil geniuses per 100,000 people than any other nation) owes its continued existence to Marcie, who somehow managed to contain Peppermint Patty's rage.

• Sally Brown, Eudora, Frieda and Violet: Collectively known as Team Dark Knight,Peanuts' highest ranking ninja attack squad with each being adept in a different type of weapon and fighting style. Together they are near unstoppable.
• Rerun: Lord Admiral of the Peanuts interstellar fleet of dreadnoughts, Rerun ensures no god-damn alien swine threaten good old-fashioned American values.

• Schroeder: Lord General of the Peanuts infantry, Schroeder is a brutal, efficient but much-loved commander. He would not think twice of putting himself in personal danger to give his troops a morale boost or simply to capture an enemy position single-handedly. Thanks to Woodstock's time machine, he travelled back in time to learn hand to hand combat from the dreaded martial artist Piano Fist.

• Spike: Snoopy's Cousin, Spike leads the Peanuts mechanized forces of battle tanks and mech warriors. While usually forming part of the second wave of any attack, the Peanuts mechanized force are a terrifying sight to see and even the threat of them has been known to make galactic empires surrender immediately.

[edit] On the Ground Assets

Peanuts' main base is on the stormy, frozen island of Kodiak where 1200 fifty metre high Kodiak bears guard its entrance. It is a vast underground complex housing secret laboratories, nerve centres, crèches, coffee shops, movie theatres, bowling alleys, disco armouries, fighter jets and living quarters for 10,000 freedom fighters. From here Peanuts launches its missions to bring freedom to the rest of the world.

At any given time there will be no fewer than 4000 Peanuts operatives on missions around the world and deep in outer space. There are many smaller bases across our Galaxy, these are just a few more notable ones:

• The Great Android Fortress on Mars
• Chateaux Rezoni, in Southern France
• The aircraft carrier PSS Avenger, at sea currently somewhere in the Indian Ocean
• The Pyramids
• Space Station Weathership Zulu Niner, currently orbiting above Southern Africa.
• Sega where the Dreamcast is gone and Sonic the Hedgehog is pissed off.

[edit] Enemies

• The Red Baron is a terrifying figure made of pure iron oxide (rust). He has made many attempts to destroy Western Europe in the name of Communism only to be foiled by the glorious efforts of Snoopy and his 53rd Fighter Wing.
• The Kite-Eating Tree is the arch nemesis of the Peanuts Air Force and Charlie Brown. In the 'public' Peanuts it is shown as constantly eating Charlie Brown's kites - this is actually a metaphor for an evil tree living high in the Atlas Mountains created by a misguided scientist in the early sixties. In his defense, those were crazy times and everyone was whacked out on something. This tree often sends its spores on the four winds to cleanse the world of mammals so that trees may reign supreme. Several squadrons of Peanuts planes have been lost when they strayed to close to its mountain fortress.
• The Great Pumpkin is never shown on the comic strip or any other of the Peanuts media for a very good reason. It is a horror so terrible, so evil, so malicious that even the brave men and women of Peanuts, who know what the Great Pumpkin actually is and what its real name is, are chilled to the bone when they hear it. Because of this it is never shown in the communications nor is its real name ever mentioned in the organization. When the Great Pumpkin does appear on the comic strip it signifies that the nameless menace has once again stirred and another great struggle of good against evil is about to begin.
• The Conservative Right is another frequent opponent of the group. Having been tortured by communists, they are unable to speak with their voice boxes, instead using trombones to achieve a wah-wah style of speaking. This dreaded group of right-wing upper-class super-villains frequently claims that the gang was originally formed by Hitler, and should thus be in their service. They were presumably defeated by the gang in 2007, when the leader of the group was found hung from the rafters of his mansion by a blue blanket. The Peanuts PR wing refused to comment on this occurrence.

[edit] See Also

• Snoop dog