Pee-wee Herman
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“Pee-wee Herman? Sounds like a kitten.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pee-wee Herman
“I know you are, but what am I?”
~ Pee-wee Herman on Oscar Wilde
Pee-wee Herman (born Paul Rubens, August 24, 1993-May 31, 2010), was a space alien who served under President Richard Nixon. He lived in a swimming pool where adults swim in and out of his giant tentacles that he uses to strangle babies.
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[edit] Early life
Hailing from Milwaukee, he attended the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point before earning his bachelor's and master's degrees from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Mr. P.W. Herman began his career advertising cigarettes for Marlboro. His acting career included many heroic roles in scores of westerns and action-thrillers. He was later cited as a major role model of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
[edit] Government service
After retiring from acting in 1954, Pee-wee began a long, illustrious career as a diplomat. In 1957 he joined the US Foreign Service, and served in various posts in embassies, consulates, and the State Department. Among his more significant accomplishments as a statesman, he served as ambassador to Elbonia from 1958 to 1960, as a staffer at the US Embassy in Belgrade, Yugoslavia from 1961 to 1965, as ambassador to Yemen from 1966 to 1970, and as Papal Nuncio to Kamchatka from July 31 to August 5 of 1973 (until it was realized that he was, in fact, not actually a Catholic cardinal, but merely suffering from a bout of paranoid schizophrenia). Mr. Herman is most commonly remembered, however, for his leadership as Secretary General of the United Nations from 1977 to 1981. Also a brief mention in William Shirer's pullitzer prize winning "Three Famous Americans Who Were Shot In The Head" namely Abe, John Fitz, and the guy who sat in front of Pee-wee in the moviehouse.
[edit] Return to acting
Following Nixon's resignation, he abruptly left government service, and in 1986 he astounded many former State Department colleagues by making an attempted comeback by reentering the world of entertainment, particularly, becoming the host of a educational children’s television program Pee-wee’s Playhouse. This aim of this program was for children to “connect the dots, la la la” between personal and civic and encourage children to become good citizens. He later starring in 2 feature films. First was the self titled auto-biography, “Pee-wee's Big Adventure”, chronicling his life at the state department and work with the Nixon Administration. His second film "Big Top Pee-wee", was an emotional journey through the Watergate Scandal and his long transition from government to private citizen/entertainer. Later, he was sued on two charges of copyright infringement because the films' names were similar to the porno movies, "Big Wee-wee's Adventure" and "Big Wee-wee's Top Mushroom" Because they were not similar enough, the case was overturned and Pee-Wee Herman was reported to have said, "Who names a penis 'Wee-wee?'"
He later would become the arch nemisis of Michel Jakonsonian Comwomptwat aka Suxemen and his closest allie Jonet Jickenson the malfuctioned masked maruder or Triple MMM or JJMMMMMMMMM.
He was married to a bowl of fruit salad and had three sons, all of whom are named Pee-wee Herman, though they have different middle names.
[edit] Big Top Pee-Wee
Although the porno production company, Porny Pig Ltd, sued Pee-Wee after producing this film, Big Top Pee-Wee was an emotional journey for many. The first half of the film focuses on Pee-Wee's experience during the Watergate scandal, which is shown to basically be an hour and ten minute long LSD trip. This happened while Pee-Wee was prowling the halls of the Watergate, looking for a good place to jerk off. [1]
He was suddenly locked in a utility closet by a delirious Portuguese maid who thought he was a first class rapist she'd sees on the cover of Newsweek. During the four days he spent in the closet, Pee-Wee documented his experience: peeing in Coke bottles due to lack of a urinal, drinking Clorox due to lack of water, and inserting a used Swiffer duster into his anus to enhance his orgasm while masturbating. When Pee-Wee finally came out of the closet, [2] he was shot to death by a bunch of Chinese gangsters.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ This scene inspired the folk song, "In the Watergate, I'm gonna masturbate!" by folk-jizz artist Ray Charles.
- ↑ This is the basis for the National Inquirer article "IS PEE-WEE GAY?"
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