People-Off

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Convenient 16-oz. Spray Can.

People-Off is a spray-on deodorant designed to get people the fuck off of you and keep people the fuck away from you. It is synthesized from geek pheromones. (Yes, geeks naturally produce thousands of gallons of this substance every day! That’s why they never get laid.)

People-Off currently holds the record for Most Uses of the Word “Fuck” In A Product, previously held by Microsoft Fuck Off.

1 Origins
2 The Hitler Administration
3 Geek Synthesis Process
4 Proper Uses of People-Off
5 Customers
6 Related Products

[edit] Origins

People-Off was created by Oscar Wilde in a desperate attempt to keep Steve Ballmer from fucking killing him. Unfortunately, Ballmer was immune to the substance, since he is, in fact, an inbred nerd in his own right. Despondent, Wilde went home to his lover and sex slave Winston Churchill (who may have been Joseph Stalin in drag), who immediately jumped out of a window to “keep the fuck away from him.” Realizing its potential to end poverty, stop war, and unite all of humanity, Wilde locked the formula away in his hidden safe, where it remained until Adolf Hitler found it one night while looking for cocaine in Wilde’s closet during a sleepover. He took the formula home to Nazi Germany, spritzed a few puffs of the stuff on himself, and then went to the patent office to steal the intellectual property rights to the product, which he dubbed “People-Off.” He was immediately given a patent, just so that he would get the fuck out of the patent office.

[edit] The Hitler Administration

After buying a company to manufacture it in volume, the first thing Hitler did with People-Off was to market the product into spray cans so that it would “stay the fuck off of him.” He originally started marking the cans with pleasing red and black designs, until someone finally told him the real reason the Jews he tried to sell the product to were all attempting to strangle him. At that point, he switched to the yellow can-label design still being sold today.

This was a turning point, in that it led to a far more widespread use of the product. Feeling that he wasn’t able to spread his cheer to enough people, Hitler decided to increase production and sell People-Off in 50-gallon drums. This announcement was made at a wild company party where employees were thrust headfirst into vats of geek phermones. Bill Gates, the CFO of the company at the time (he has since been replaced by California Governor Ahhnold), said “I just want to keep those people the fuck off of me.”

[edit] Geek Synthesis Process

Take a computer
Fill its Hard Drive with Porn
Smash it to bits
Throw away broken bits
Make People-Off

[edit] Proper Uses of People-Off

It is important to shake the can before spraying it on yourself. Only use a few spritzes of the stuff – overdosing on People–Off can cause cancer, heart attack, and Communism. One spritz will last for about four hours, during which time you should abstain from being the fuck near people. Or fucking, for that matter. (Like you’d be looking for it.)

People-Off is intended for external use only. Do not use People-Off while huffing kittens. Do not use it as a condiment on any food, except carrots. You can use it on carrots if you want.