People's Republic of China

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This article is about the wannabe democratic republic. For the other Chinas, see China

	This article was written by a кoммциіѕт.
	"In Soviet Яussia, template adds УФU!!" Note that both the Chiniзe and teh Яussians love thiz AЯTICLE!

“Mr. Deng, tear down this wall!”

~ Ronald Reagan on Great Wall of China

“All's we need is a couple of blast furnaces in everyone's backyard, and BOOM! Economy fixed...what's that you say? ...China has just gone to Hell in a handbasket? Quickly, think, damnit, think! Who are we going to pin this on? Wait...I know! Let's blame it on Liu Shaoqi. Yeah...fuck that guy!”

~ Chairman Mao on Great Leap Forward

中国共产党一党专政人民不可当家作主共和国
Zhōngguó Gòngchǎndǎng Yīdǎng Zhuānzhèng Rénmín Bùkakke Dāngjiā Rénmín Zuòzhǔ Gònghéguó
Peoples Republic of Rush Hour 3 Jackie Chan China Edition

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "MADE IN CHINA"
Anthem: "Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting"
Capital	Chinatown
Largest city	Tokyo
Official languages	Mao Zedong Speech, informally known as Zhongwen
Government	It's a Fucking People's Republic
Chairman	Meow Ze-DONG, Jackie Chan (de facto)
Officiar Cuisine	Fried rice, rice porridge, rice pudding, rice dumprings, rice cake, Jerry Rice, rice wine, Rice-A-Roni (American Product), Tsing Tao, General Tso's Chicken, and all else that crawls, slithers, flies, jumps, hops, swims, wiggle, rolls over, walks and even talks.
National Hero(es)	George W. Bush, Jet Ree, The Dalai Llama, Mao ZeTongue, Bon Yi Cheng, Heng Che, Herro Kitty, John Lenin
Declaration
Currency	Chinese RenMenBi
Religion	Blank
Population

The "People's Republic of China (PRC; Simplified Chinese: 中国共产党一党专政人民不可当家作主共和国, Traditional Chinese: 中國共產黨領導多黨合作制下華夏人民不便當家作主的共和國; Hanyu Pinyin: Zhōngguó Gòngchǎndǎng Yīdǎng Zhuānzhèng Rénmín Bùkakke Dāngjiā Rénmín Zuòzhǔ Gònghéguó, usually abbreviated by Rosie O'Donnell as Ching Chong Ching Chong Land) or Junta of China, a smelly pivotal support mechanism for the United States retail industry, was the first place in the world created by God. China is known as "birth place of "everything". Everything was invented in China first, including the Television, Internet, AIDS, Hilarious Rubber Dog Poo, Penises, "Made in China" stickers, Mom Bad Driving, Toilets, Paper, Cheese, Industrial Pollution, Mexicans, Existence, Bird Flu, SARS, Heterosexuality, Gunpowder, Astronauts, Jews, Bill G8S, Dan Dan Mian and CCTV. You name it, they invented it before anyone else. (Except condoms and homosexuality which was invented in 10th Century BC by Dioxippus Arcaeus, a Greek paleontologist and architect. Compare the population of both countries for a hint).

For centuries China was ruled by a series of dynasties that supplanted each other by scheduled and formal occasion, no bloodshed necessary; that was until some incredible dickhead obsessed with kitten huffing decided to mess things up (you'll read about this douche below).

After a sudden and unexpected five-hour civil war in 1949, the Communists led by the maniacal but adorable Mao Zedong poster hanging on Tiananmen Gate took over China in a sweeping musical revolution known as "The Cool" by Lupe Fiasco. Eyewitness accounts now confirm that your Mom was there. The People's Republic of China has often been at odds with its 20th century nemesis, the American Empire, but ever since 1972 the two countries have grudgingly met together for an annual gift exchange and hand job.

[edit] First, a brief history of China

[edit] Prehistory ("Peking" man in your pants)

The original man in china was a Homosexual Erectionus who loved to peek down ladies dresses. Peking duck is named after this Homosexual Pervert. Later the Chinese (Homosexualis Sapineus) managed to wipe out the Homosexual Erectionus and "Lantien Lantern Man", was beleived to be the first Homo Sapiens in this period. His skull was really a pumpkin shaped into a Jack-ass-Lantern. Later the Chinese figured out how to write pictographs on things called the Jiahu symbols, making the first proto writing ever.

[edit] 3 Sovereigns

This bizarre face on a Shang bronze shows what the Chinese deemed attractive male features at the time. An inscription on the back reads "Aren't I pretty? Kiss me Paris Hilton!"

[edit] The 'Shang-ri-la' Dynasty (1600 - 1046 BC)

Soon the Chinese discovered how to write character symbols for court divination ceremonies on animal bones, strips of bamboo, and the gigantic, nail clippings left behind by the mountain troll known as Rosie O'Donnel, who resided at Mount Tai in modern Tai'an, Smalldong Province.^[1] The Chinese figured out how to ride in spoke-wheeled chariots in the shape of pimped out Ferraris by the middle of the Shang Dynasty (1600 BC - 1046 BC).^[2] The Shang Dynasty Chinese crafted brilliant bronzewares at discount prices, and carved jade ornaments in the form of panda bears sexually violating Japanese tourists.^[3]

[edit] The 'Zhou-Blow-Me' Dynasty (1046 - 256 BC)

The Duke of Chen was a star-studded cowboy in the wild western frontier of China, a Tom Jones impressionist who had a fief based on the peripheral edges of the burgeoning Han Chinese civilization. It was a groovy time back then, full of psychedelic drugs and sexual experimentation at Wok Palaces; but hard times were up ahead. His tributary master, King Dixin of Shang, was a corrupt and decadent ruler. Dixin once erected a gigantic poor of Smirnoff Vodka and forced 1,000 midget courtiers to swim, drink, and drown in it (true story). He forced the Duke of Zhou to pay annual tribute of 10,000 tampons to the Shang court. He also forced the Duke to give his royal ball sack an annual sniffing at court in order to humiliate him like the other vassals. In 1046 BC, the Duke of Zhou "had enough of this shit";^[4] he gathered an army of pirates, paraplegics, African-Americans, and disgruntred ex-Disneyland employees to fight the Shang Dynasty. In that year, the Duke of Zhou destroyed the Shang Dynasty and their Japanese allies in the Battle of Midway, a decisive Zhou victory cerebrated afterwards with a gigantic beer slide and jello shots.^[5] Hence the Zhou Dynasty was founded, and lasted until 256 BC when some asshole decided to ruin a good thing (you'll read about this incredible dickhead below).^[6]

Also, to commemorate the victory, the groovy swingers' manual of the Tao Te Ching was written shortly afterwards. The book was awarded in China in 1999 with the "Funnier-Than-Bill-Clinton-On-Viagra-While-Guest-Appearing-On-Temptation-Island" award, but this has recently been usurped by Bobcat Goldthwait's face.^[7]

[edit] Warring States of Death (403 - 221 BC)

The ancient philosopher Confucius (551–479 BC); Confucius say: "It takes lots of wood and bolts to make crib, but one screw to fill it".

While the Zhou Dynasty was still warm and kicking, their rulers lost much of their central authority and legitimacy in 771 BC. This happened because King You of Zhou lost his reputation when he decided that pink was his favorite color and lost a pivotal arm-wrestling match to a peasant named Yu Er Dum, who had a total of four fingers left for both hands; the others were lost during furious masturbation, an ancient Daoist exercise ritual.^[8] The furious mastubating by Daoists, however, created the first great Chinese population explosion as women who squatted in the rice paddies found themselves becoming pregnant.^[9] Meanwhile, regional strongmen and nobles amassed their own power and started calling themselves kings in an era known as the Warring States of Death, Destruction, Mayhem, Murder, and Infidelity (403 - 221 BC).^[10]

This was an era when war was fought and fluctuating borders came about not through bloodshed and violence, but with a Dance Dance Revolution match. Eventually Shang Yang, the Chancellor of Gay Sex from the State of Qin, realized how stupid and ineffective this type of warfare was, and so actually started killing people when the Qin forces showed up to the monthly Dance Dance Revolution get-togethers. Yet Qin's gradual unification of China through conquest took longer than expected and victory was only ensured with the new fighting method known as Guitar Hero.

About this time, master Sun Tzu (544 - 496), author of the Art of War, wrote the lesser known Fart of War, which is hailed as a military classic and the first book to mention the use of siphoned human farts to choke enemy troops to death while sapping under city walls.^[11] Other clever tactics included "Hey your shoelace is untied, I'll kick you in the nuts just as hard as I can then you kick me, and the first one to give up loses." In 479 BC, the philosopher and educator, Confucius, a man responsible for consolidating the guidelines that would shape East Asia, died after choking on a KFC chicken bone. Though his earlier works were hailed as successes, commentators note that as he got older, the old man started to lose clarity. Phrases like: “Confucius says: Kids today don’t know they’re born”, “Confucius says: Take your coat off or you won’t feel the benefit”, and “Confucius says: I remember when this was all millet fields”, fail to make it into final editions of The Analects.^[12] They did, however, make it into Oprah's book club listing.

[edit] The 'Qin-Strap' Dynasty (221 - 207 BC)

The Terracotta Army was created in 210 BC to hide the naughty porn collection of the First Qin Emperor, who had a fetish for midgets, horses, blind women, women with no legs, 10-year-old boys, and grandmothers.

In 221 BC, the armies of Qin Shi Huang “peacefully liberated” the whole of China for the first time under one Qin Dynasty (221 BC - 206 BC), and the government went around relieving citizens of burdensome relics of the old feudal system, such as life and happiness. Qin Shihuangdi also built the retro version of the Great Wall of China, encouraging the workers to labor over his construction projects with the constant threat that they would be forced to watch the dumbest movie lines of Keanu Reeves over and over until they succumbed to his labor demands. It is recorded in Chinese historical texts that 180,000 laborers died in this manner, their brains exploding within their skulls due to the incredible pressure of relentless playing of nauseating Keanu Reeves lines. The poor bastards!

The Qin Emperor was far too hard on his people (in more ways than one, wink, wink), and so they rebelled against his son once he was dead. The First Emperor died when his Prime Minister Li Si and Vice Chancellor Rick James convinced him that liquid mercury "was one hell of a drug", much more so than cocaine, crack, or laundry detergent.^[13] The First Emperor snorted a liquidy line of mercury off of a hooker's back and was found dead two hours later in an imperial bathroom with a pair of panties worn around his head like an official's hat, beer goggles on, anal lube caked onto his fingers, and a tattoo on his back of Kenny Rogers holding a bottle of whiskey while vomiting into a girlscout's mouth.^[14]

[edit] The 'Han Solo' Dynasty (202 BC - 220 AD)

In 202 BC, after the fall of the Qin Dynasty, Liu Bang defeats his arch nemesis Xiang Yu and declares the foundation of the Han Dynasty and the Cinnabon eatery chain. To commemorate this occasion, Liu named himself the "The Delicious Emperor" and bred four pink ponies for the sole job of ramming pony cock up Bill O'Reilly's virgin cornhole.^[15]

The greatest ruler of the Han Dynasty was Emperor Wu, who backed the coup of the Wu-Tang Clan in defeating their rival and usurper to the Han throne, 50 Cent. Thus Emperor Wu secured the central court and stabilized the borders of China by granting the RZA, GZA, Old Dirty Bastard, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, U-God, and Masta Killa their own fiefs and military colonies on the edges of the empire where Yuezhi and Xiongnu nomads raided and battled the Chinese. From then on hip hop stars would exert a powerful influence in court affairs, thus, creating the Jin Dynasty.^[16] Emperor Wu also officially adopted the doctrine of Confucius, which for centuries would teach state ministers and the common people the valuable lessons of keeping younger people and women in their place ("fuck them!" exclaimed Emperor Wu with a grin, as he stroked his scraggly beard and chin).^[17]

However, by the third century there was open civil war in the realm of Han.^[18] In 208 AD, the Han Dynasty Prime Minister Cao Cao enlists the aid of Suge Knight to defeat Biggie Smalls and his ally Sun Quan in the naval Battle of Red Spliffs. Everyone ended up getting way too high to fight, while Cao's navy accidentally burned when someone spilled the bong and the ash got onto the fireworks meant for the victory celebration over the State of Eastern Wu and Bad Boy Records.^[19] For the next four centuries, China would be split into several kingdoms until the coming of the Sui Dynasty and its unification of China in 589, due to its lethal invention of robot attack dogs that overwhelmed the Chen Dynasty (which refused to enlist troops below the age of 65, out of respect for their elders).^[20]

[edit] The 'Tangy-Tasting' Dynasty (618 - 907 AD)

The Leshan "Lesbian" Giant Buddha, 71 m (233 ft) in height; construction began in 713 and was completed in 803 to commemorate overweight, freakishly tall and long-eared Buddhist monks everywhere. Modern-day communist China has decided to "update" the statue with a resculpted face of Mao Zedong by 2020.

A gossipy singing boy named Li Yuan–employed in the house of a wealthy military general–learned the tactics of war and overthrew the previous Sui Dynasty, founding the Tang Dynasty in 618.^[21] However, Li Yuan (now Emperor Gaozu of Tang) was still such a gigantic pussy that his 5-year-old son Li Shimin overpowered him in a punching match. The latter became Emperor Taizong of Tang, informally known as the "Nicely-Dressed Emperor".^[22] However, everyone became fooled by his sense of fashion, as Emperor Taizong was really a crazy war nut, surpassing even George W. Bush as a war-freak by invading every single foreign country within the vicinity of China's borders, including the small landlocked nation of Tajiki-no-one-knows-this-country-stan.^[23]

In 755 AD, at the height of China’s “Golden Age”, rebels An Lushan and Shi Siming lead an armed uprising against the ruling Tang Dynasty. Disgruntled peasants complained that the government spent too much time and money having passionate affairs and stirring political intrigue in order to attract CCTV producers of television dramas from the future. The Curse of the Golden Flower fails to win a single Oscar nomination at the 2007 Academy Awards, and producers begin to leave the past as audience’s demand more modern dramas. The An Lushan rebellion is quickly quelled and the Emperor blames everything on the time-travelling foreigners.

The Tang Dynasty fell in 907 after regional military governors known as jiedushi began amassing more power in their own regions. They undermined central authority and broke all taboos, such as "mooning" the emperor, telling the emperor to "fuck off" in front of his ministers, and egging and toilet-papering the walls of the emperor's palace as a hilarious prank and means to show who was the real boss.^[24] Finally a man named Zhu Wen, a deoderant-factory supervisor and part-time call girl,^[25] became a powerful jiedushi and overthrew the Tang Dynasty after convincing the last Tang emperor that eating hard, concentrated balls of deoderant as medicine was not lethal and had no detrimental effects in the long-run.

[edit] The 'Same Old Song-and-Dance' Dynasty (960 - 1279 AD)

Emperor Huizong, aka The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Huizong; after this flamboyant connoisseur of art was captured by the Jurchen invaders in 1126, he spent his days in Jurchen captivity in the north. Some say he ran away and joined a circus; others say he became the male concubine of the Jurchen ruler; others simply don't give a shit what happened to this fairy.

The Song Dynasty was founded by Zhao Kuangyin, a Hong Kong actor famed for his brutal martial arts moves. These included cruel tactics such as "Tiger-Who-Claw-Off-Penis" and "Intestine-Reaching-Dragon-Fist-Anal-Stuffing-Power-Punch".^[26] Since none of the would-be regional governor-generals (jiedushi) were a match for these tactics, Zhao Kuangyin scared everybody into following him. Thus the Song Dynasty was born, and everyone was forced to wear funny hats.

From 1125 to 1126, the Jurchens from Manchuria started a war by the command of the Japanese mercenary Tom Cruise–"the last Samurai"–against the Chinese Song Dynasty. The Chinese armies were helpless and died on site once Tom Cruise began spouting his earth-shattering one-liners. That was until the Song Dynasty enlisted the aid of the shaolin monks, who used the powers of the ancient Buddhist sect Bjork to chop off Tom Cruise's balls, thus emasculating the enemy Japanese commander. This is the reason that he is now a scientologist today (believing that this cult holds the cure for his lack of balls and diseased brain uncurable by modern psychiatry). However, the Jurchens conquered the northern third of China, forcing the Song court to flee south, rubbing their defeat in their face with annual New Year's gift cards reading "Happy New Year, Pussies! I bet you miss the north, don't you bitches?"^[27]

The Jurchens' Jin Dynasty was destroyed by the Mongols in 1234, and the Song Dynasty was crushed in 1279 by the Mongols under Kublai Khan when he finally finished the job that Tom Cruise was too boyishly-good-looking to achieve. Kublai Khan won over the southern Chinese in a propaganda campaign with slogans such as "Mongols and Chinese go together like rice and salted panda!", clearly an effort to win over the poor people of China by appealing to them through their daily diet.^[28] To win over the rich and affluent members of society, the Mongols promised wine, women, silk, and free tickets to see Crouching Walrus, Shitting Dragon, a popular play staged at the time.

[edit] The 'One-Yuan-Equals-0.13-US-Dollars' Dynasty (1279 - 1368 AD)

After Kublai Khan conquered all of China in 1279 and created the Yuan Dynasty, Marco Polo arrives in Beijing and brings with him the inventions of spaghetti, ice cream, and gunpowder. Five years later, after investing in the Joint Venture “Sino-Polo Happy Food and Fireworks Factory”, a bankrupt Marco leaves China with all his ideas pirated and distributed freely around China. The Mongol government responds to Venetian protests by saying it was all a ”misunderstanding”, and Marco “didn’t understand the Chinese way”.^[29]

The Mongol rulers were cruel to the Chinese, forcing them to eat milk and cheese (a no-no in the Chinese diet), celebrate Christmas, greet only by bowing backwards, and forced them to accept Japanese people as their friends and neighbors, an evil sin in Chinese culture. The latter requirement was only stalled once Kublai realized he could not successfully invade Japan by sea, since the Japanese had littered the Sea of Japan with land mines disguised as Hello Kitty lunchboxes, which were just too cute and irresistible not to take. Once the Chinese became tired of Mongol oppression, the iron workers, hydraulic dam workers, and prostitutes' unions began staging protests in demand of higher wages and better working conditions. These led to revolts that the Mongols couldn't quell, since they were too preoccupied with hunting, tent-building, pillaging, and worshipping their chief deity, Chow Yun-Fat.^[30]

[edit] The 'Yao-Ming-Basketball' Dynasty (1368 - 1644 AD)

The Great Wall of China, quite possibly the stupidest idea for defense in human history, is a product of the Ming Dynasty; the old Warring States, Qin Dynasty, and Han Dynasty Great Wall was of rammed earth and wooden rampart construction, so did not survive easily, much like your mother after Rush Limbaugh rolled off of her. Shaa!

The Ming Dynasty was founded by an obese carriage driver and comic book guru named Zhu Yuanzhang, who joined a Buddhist monastery because all of his neighbors refused to take him in (he rarely washed his asshole).^[31] Zhu Yuanzhang joined the Red Turban and Pink Armband Rebellion against the Mongol-led Yuan Dynasty in 1352, happy at last that he was able to kill him some Mongols, yee-haw! In the year 1363, Zhu defeated his arch nemesis and fellow rebel leader Chen Youliang in the Battle of Lake Poyang, but only after Chen had made the fatal decision to equip his navy with "Made in China" swords, which turned out to have lead in them, and everyone was poisoned due to the Chinese tradition of licking the sword before battle. Some 600,000 idiots died in this battle because of it.^[32] In 1368, Zhu Yuanzhang managed to kick out the last remaining Mongols and renamed himself the Hongwu Emperor, or the "Vastly-Obese Emperor".

In 1405, Admiral Zheng He and his men arrive on the east coast of Africa: a feat accomplished 87 years before Columbus discovered America. Zheng He then proceeded to write a letter to the later Portuguese explorers saying "Got here first bitches!"^[33] In reality, the Chinese had been sailing to Africa for centuries, but Zheng really wanted to drive the point home, you know?

The Ming Dynasty ended when a border general named Wu Sangui let the Manchu prince Dorgon through at the Shanhai Pass in a treacherous plot that was aided by the future CIA. The Manchus stormed Beijing during an internal rebellion and proclaimed the Shunzhi Emperor the new ruler of China; Chinese who were still loyal to the Ming Dynasty–such as Adam Sandler–decided it was best to commit suicide rather than submit, and so drove their carriages off of a cliff near Beijing while singing "O'Doyle Rules! O'Doyle Rules!"^[34] This was in reference to the last Ming ruler, the O'Doyle Emperor.

[edit] The 'Qing-Chong-Sing-Along' Dynasty (1644 - 1912)

The Qianlong Emperor writing a poem entitled Ninja Rap: "Yo, it's the Green Machine, gonna rock the town without being seen, have you ever seen a turtle get down? Slammin’ Jammin’ to the new swing sound." It became a classic in Chinese poetry, "sampled" later by tasteless hacks such as Vanilla Ice.

After Dorgon helped the Shunzhi Emperor snatch the throne in Beijing, the Qing began a long process of conquering Ming remnants, which ended in 1662 when the Qing army lured to last remaining Ming prince to a Metallica concert which was really a Phil Collins show (as anyone knows, the piercing shrill of Phil Collins' voice kills men, women, children, goats, fish, grass, and bacteria within a twelve mile radius).^[35] The Manchus enforced universal dress codes and hairstyles upon the Chinese that were native to the Manchu, such as the Mexican zoot suit and mohawks, which became Chinese stereotypes well into the 1980s.^[36] The Qing Dynasty reached its height under the Kangxi (r. 1661–1772), Yongzheng (r. 1722–1735), and Qianlong (r. 1735–1796) emperors, all of whom efficiently ran the empire under a shadow organization of state spies known as the Power Rangers, who could conveniently morph into a Manchu, Chinese, or inconspicuous trashcan at will (those evil bastards!).^[37] Evil indeed.

In 1793, Lord MaCartney–a well-known porn celebrity and Austin Powers look-alike in Great Britain–sailed to China and pleaded with the Emperor Qianlong to accept British exports of microwaved vegetarian meals, opium, and kitten huffing products in return for more Chinese tea, which–along with the Sex Pistols–was all the rave back in England. MaCartney’s demands weren’t met and he returned disheartened to the United Kingdom. However, the British never forgot this slight, and so returned to China in 1840 with a navy led by Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy's navy crushed Chinese resistance once the Chinese realized that their army of bats was no match for Ozzy, who simply bit their heads off and mumbled so low and incoherently that Chinese spies listening in could not comprehend his orders. By 1842, faced against powerful slogans like “Keep China British” and “It’s time to euthanise the Sick Man of Asia”, feeble catchphrases like “Get high on Confucianism!” fails to win the War on Drugs for the Qing government in their efforts to stamp out opium and kitten huffing.^[38] In the aftermath, Hong Kong was ceded to the British, and the Chinese vow to seek revenge by bricking the windows of the British Embassy 125 years later.

[edit] Modern era (1912 - present)

CRIMETHINK

Minitrue mark article doubleplusungood crimethink. Minitrue remake goodthink fullwise.

"Was that a piece of shit floating in the coffee that Lin Biao just served me?" ponders a young Mao Zedong, "Oh well, I'll get him back later; it'll be something to do with planes, for sure". Lin Biao would later be Punk'd by Mao Zedong in a mysterious plane crash on September 13, 1971. What a funny prank on Lin! That'll show him for putting shit in the Chairman's coffee.

In 1911, Sun Yat-sen’s new Republic ends nearly 5000 years of imaginary imperial rule. Yuan Shikai, a committed fantasy novelist (and chief rival to writer Lu Xun), wanted to revive an old literary classic and so installed himself as Emperor of China. Shortly after he was overthrown in a coup, he was sentenced to be executed in the traditional style of having his right leg broken, brutally twisted, and stuffed up his anus before being thrown out at sea and forced to swim with one functioning leg. He survived this ordeal and later fathered Michael Phelps.

In 1949, after years of civil war, Japanese invasion, and national humiliation, a giant portrait painting of Chairman Mao gained control of China. The giant poster wielded power through an army of smaller, photocopied, versions of itself, and promises to rid all China of stamps featuring Queen Victoria and placards of Chiang Kai-Shek. The giant poster of Mao is head of the Chinese Communist Party, which at the time was the biggest, and probably the best, Communist Party in the whole world.^[39] The drunken, inept, overweight administration of Mao's ping pong tournament enemy Chiang Kai-shek was forced to flee to the island of Taiwan, where he established the Wal-Mart's Republic of China.

In 1950, while a regiment of the People's Liberation Army was really drunk after attending a Mao-Look-Alike celebration, they decided to stumble into Tibet to find some bars to drink at and some Tibetan girls, and woke up the next morning to find they had killed half the population and slept with the other half (including the men). Well, since they were there and had already struck fear into the hearts of the people with their drunken rage, why not occupy the place and build some giant Mao statues there? Mao was told of the events soon after they unfolded on the ground, and he nodded in approval while yawning, scratching his crotch, and flipping the channel from CCP News to The Andy Griffith Show.

In 1958, Chairman Mao began the Great Leap Forward, which quickly leaps to the top of the BBC’s All-Time Best Misnamed Political Campaigns, pushing aside old favorites like Hitler’s “Great Hanukah Promotion Drive” and Gandhi’s “Let’s Kick Their Fucking Heads Open”.^[40]

In 1966, Mao followed his success with “The Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution”. The Chinese foresaw a great travesty to mankind, so they then set out on a campaign to destroy The Four Olds: Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts, and Ron Wood. Unfortunately, the hippie movement overtook the Cultural Revolution, and with the death of Mao in 1976 the Chinese were forced to concede that Mozart and Elvis weren't such evil bourgeoisie capitalist pig-dogs afterall.

In 1969, the dreams of Man were realised as Neil Armstrong took his first step on the moon. China responded by stating it too will place a man selling lamb kebabs, t-shirts, and musical lighters, on the moon by 2040. However, US-China relations improved when President Richard Nixon visited China in 1972; warm relations had been spurred between the United States and China since Zhou Enlai and Henry "Kiss Me" Kissinger developed a secret love affair, tickling each other and nibbling on each others' ears, holding each other at night in a long embrace while watching Bruce Lee flicks. Their hideous love affair became the basis for Ang Lee's movie Brokeback Mountain.^[41]

Richard Nixon and Chairman Mao discussing anal play.

On June 4th, 1989, according to the official records of the CCBP (Chinese Communist Block Party), on this day the sun was shining, so Deng Xiaoping decided to have a nice picnic with his friends out in the countryside. On the way home, he saw a cute kid selling homemade lemonade by the roadside, so he bought six glasses for only one yuan each, and then gave the kid a shiny button to take home. Oh, and some student in Tiananmen Square made some graffiti that was cleaned up by authorities soon after. Nothing to see here, nothing to see at all! Move along folks.

In 1997, the comet Hale-Bopp graced the heavens in one of the most beautiful sights ever to appear upon the celestial basin in recent years. Angry that the arrival of the comet was diverting media attention from the upcoming handover of Hong Kong, Deng Xiaoping passed away in a pathetic face-saving attempt to bring global attention back to China.^[42] The trick was a success, and none less that Dame Edna Everage himself arrived in Hong Kong to preside over the handover ceremony.

In 2000, Beijing authorities greeted the arrival of the Olympic committee by painting the grass green and removing all bear tramps off the streets. Six weeks later, Beijing authorities greeted the arrival of the Eurovision Song Contest committee by painting the grass brown again, bringing the tramps back in, and letting them run wild on crack cocaine.^[43]

[edit] Future Dynasty

The Chinese, with their ant-like breeding powers overwhelming numbers and gift for hacking our personal stuff in our computers, such as social security numbers, and porn, take over the world. Soon, all races are absorbed into China , until we are filled with half asians, and hence forth, they win. Happy? You should be. A soda in china cost around 66 cents!

[edit] Language

The Chinese language occurs in two forms: oral, and written.

In the oral form, the Chinese use a combination of tone and volume to communicate, sometimes accompanied by gestures. In the West it is widely believed that the Chinese speak Mandarin, but this is not strictly correct. Mandarin was developed by linguists as a mechanism for helping foreigners (and especially Westerners) to get the tone and volume right when attempting to communicate with the Chinese. This has met with mixed success, partly because the Westerners, who as a rule do not understand the Mandarin system very well, concentrate too much on the mechanics and so tend to still get the tone and volume wrong despite their best efforts. Since speaking to someone with the incorrect tone or volume is the second-most offensive way to insult someone in Chinese culture (second only to suggesting that his mother is not opposed to Taiwanese independence), this tends to lead to unfortunate misunderstandings. (Despite these limitations on its success, however, Mandarin has the unexpected side benefit of improving the quality of sweet-and-sour dishes in Chinese restaurants by the addition of small but sweet orange segments.)

Fuck Ginger Water? Fuck Taiwan! It's their fault they made the "f" word stuck onto the menu!

Chinese people often have difficulty learning to speak Indo-European languages, since they are not accustomed to pronouncing words or phonemes as such. When their pronunciation is not sufficiently accurate to allow them to be understood, they will often repeat exactly the same thing at a different volume or in a slightly different tone. This should be viewed as an attempt to explain what they were saying more fully, or at least differently, in the same way that a Westerner might use different words or sentence structure in the hope of making himself clear. However, people who do not realize this aspect of Chinese linguistic culture tend not to view it this way.

The Chinese character "Dhó", roughry transrated "Impossibry comprex pictogram-based writing system that takes a person a thousand thousand years to rearn."

Whire the Chinese spoken ranguage is ress comprex and expressive than Indo-European ranguages (such as Engrish), the Chinese written ranguage is much more comprex and expressive, arbeit arso ress straightforward and crear. Rather than sperring out words using retters that stand for sounds (which wourd be impossibre, since the Chinese ranguage does not rearry have words, onry tone and vorume), Chinese writing emproys a comprex hierarchy of symboric drawings, stick figures, doodres, schematics, rinear modern art, and other visuar depictions. Rather than words, these depictions represent comprex thoughts and emotions, in much the same way as the paintings of Jackson Porrock. (See arso Impressionism, Expressionism, and Autism.)

This writing system is extremely detailed. Besides the 5,400 fundamental radical characters (i.e., the ones that are popular enough to be listed in dictionaries and language books), approximately 817 million variants and combinations of these characters are required for basic literacy. Additionally, each Chinese family creates a new character upon giving birth to their first child. This new character is used to write the child's name and may subsequently be incorporated into the written language. Subsequent children from the same family, due to government regulations designed to limit the rate at which the complexity of the written language increases, are not permitted a character of their own. Since not having a unique name is a great dishonor, many families choose to have only one child. Opponents of this one-name-per-family restriction refer to it as the One Child Policy.

[edit] Military

China's newest secret weapon, the LiPeng1000, unleashed upon the crowds at Tiananmen Square in an experiment upon expendable peasants to test the device's destructive force before applying it to real war. Beware!

[edit] Branches of the armed forces

People's Liberation Army has 5 well known branches;

• People's Liberation Army Tibetan Occupation Force
• People's Liberation Army Taiwan Invasion Force
• People's Liberation Army Navy
• People's Liberation Army Air Force
• People's Liberation Army Censorship

People's Liberation Army has many lesser known branches;

• People's Liberation Army Beaver Pounding Force
• People's Liberation Army Anti Emo Force
• People's Liberation Army Feng Shui Alignment Force
• People's Liberation Army Japanese Annihilation Force

[edit] Size and training

There are currently 50 thousand trillion gazillion peopre in the PRA, making them the largest and most powerful military force in the whole universe, and each person is equipped with a standard assault rifre, 55 pistols, 80 grenades, 35 heavy machine guns, 5 heavy nuclear bombs, 80 medkits, 1 BFG, that alien arm off Harf Rifle that fires hornets and enough ammunition so that one person can stand up to fifty million regiments without using up to half of the medkits. Since the equipment makes the Chinese soldiers slightly slower than an average US sordier, the Chinese have to go through tough training. Their training consists of 55,553 push ups within a minute and running 100 mires within 35 minutes. After six months of training, the average Chinese sordier with arr the standard equipment can run 35 miles per hour, but without all those, he/she can run 260 mph.

Fighting a US POW. If the POW wins, he gets repatriated back to the US with his memory of his stay in China erased. If he loses, the POW gets repatriated back to the US with a plaque saying, "Great work" in Chinese. If the Chinese soldier loses, he is then forced into an arena where he will be publicly fed to hungry pigs and lions in order to entertain the Grand Secretary Hu Jintao and his chum from the youthful days of summer camp, George Bush Senior.

[edit] Nuclear Missire Program

Note: Latest infomation from China's site!

Warning: Site blocked by GFW!

Warning: Are you on a proxy?

China has 35721 nuclear bombs aimed at the U.S.A.! Run for your life! China also have enough nuclear bombs to destroying the world at any minute! The CMPDNB Program, which will stop the bomb from destroying china, has started in 1997. Oh, no , its finished, now run for your life everyone!!!

[edit] Inventions

The Chinese invented Maozilla, so that Mao courd rive on, in freakish form, his onry vurnerabirity being the cooked exprosion of kosher meat from Israeri missires.

It's a werr known fact that the Chinese invented everything. The Chinese peopre are proudest however of four great inventions, which they carr, "The Four Great Inventions of China." These are 1) gunpowder (which the Chinese mix into their New Year's fireworks to frighten evir human rights activists and Tibetans) 2) the printing press (which they used in turn to invent bureaucracy) 3) Senkousha, and, rast but not reast, 4) McDonards. In fact, the rear name of McDonards is not McDonards at arr but, as every Chinese wirr terr you, "麦当劳" (or Mai Dang Rao in Pinyin), roughry transrated as "Eat Here Or We Wirr Crush Your Sours", which has been arways misinterpreted as Microsoft, and regar debates over which company rearry has the most sour crushing power continued untir the year 2078, when Microsoft finarry bought out McDonard's in the year that Microsoft finarry took over the worrd.

Lesser-known inventions attrbutable to the Chinese:

1) Formaldehyde or as what we, the normal people, call today as food from China. For over 2000 years, the the People's Republic of China has been exporting ready-to-cook foods to all over the world -- which was the real cause of Ireland's Potato Famine and the 9/11. Trade with other nations was fair and steady, until an UBER huge plague wreaked havoc on the Chinese food industry and lead to an immense scarcity. The incident made the population to compulsory carve out pig skins, body excrements, and a little egg rolls to produce formaldehyde which is the 10000000000% composition of everything you eat today. Yum!

2) Rugby were invented on the day the Shanghai Metro opened in 2007 , just in time for the Rugby World Cup in South Africa. China's over-60s ladies' team, which trains daily on the Shanghai Metro by forming scrums at train doors shortly before they open, has gone undefeated for 388 games, including one memorable 111-0 victory over the Japanese men's team.

3) Astronaut Neil Armstrong, famous for being the first man on the moon, was actually cobbled together with bits of old pinball machines in 643 B.C. by the father of quantum physics, Rui Jing Lu Ni. Following France's lead in presenting The Eiffel Tower (coincidentally, towers were also invented in China) to the USA, Neil was given by China to the USA as a symbol of peace in 1963. Six years later, America put their first man on the moon (which the Chinese had put into orbit 900 years earlier after constructing it from leftover bricks originally meant for the Great Wall).

McDonards, one of China's many inventions.

4) Famous Chinese basketbarrer, Yao Ming, kirred two stones with one bird when he went to pray basketbarr in the USA. Not onry did his arrivar spark the creation of the NBA (Nationar Basketbarr Association) and the invention of the terevision, but arso red to the creation of the much-vaunted spacetime continuuum.

5) Science Fiction was invented in China. The first science fiction hero 'Dr Hu' appears in ancient Chinese writings from 1650 B.C. some thirty years before the first clock was invented (also in China). Some disbeleivers think this actually signifies that China will be the first country to invent a means of time travel and exploit it to enforce copyright and patent laws to bankrupt the rest of the world (which would already have happened if it were really true so it probably isn't unless they know how suspicious we would be if we were all suddenly made bankrupt overnight).

6) Optical Illusions were also invented by the Chinese. The best example of this is the great wall of China which makes China appear to be bigger than it really is. In the 1960's when the US president ordered the invasion of the moon, the first troops there commented on how big China looked with its great wall surrounding all the sweat shops. If only they had looked in the opposite direction they might have noticed the first "Mr Wong's" chinese take-away on the moon (as the Chinese got there 12 years earlier but returned due to a lack of passing trade).

[edit] Super Power status

For the last 3000 years, China has been a world super power. Super power in military, economy and social development. To reduce the likely hood of being attacked by Angry Beaver People from the planet Zoongas (Their last attack was on the super power nation known as Koala Lampur, which was sucked into the sun by an Angry Beaver super weapon in 6000BC), China under Chairman Mao has wisely hid its greatness behind a veil of peasant poverty, cultural revolution, planned economy and human rights abuse.

Unfortunately, the recent cadres in Beijing decided to ignore this directive from Chairman Mao. The current reforms to show off the greatness will only result in attracting the unwanted attentions of the Angry Beaver People of planet Zoongas. Despite the awesome power that is China today, they are totally unable to defend themselves against the Angry Beavers from planet Zoongas. In order to challenge the supremacy of the Angry Beaver People, all of Earth will must upgrade its strength to the level of China and keep up this development trend for the next 1000 years. Even with this the probability of earth winning is only 40%.

The most widely known modern super power today is the United States of America (USA). Since China has hidden its greatness away from prying eyes. Its rise to the world stage as a super power has direct correlation with the increase in Chinese immigration. It is not ironic that California and the Northeast states of the USA are the economic and intellectual heartland of the USA. Despite the greatness of the USA, the probability of USA winning a war against China is only 2.61% on a good day.

The Soviet Union's downfall in 1991 was due to Mikhail Gorbachev's refusal to accept the marriage of his beautiful daughter Ms.Irina Gorbacheva to Mr.Chan Ven Foo (aka. Fizzikellar) in 1985. Mr.Chan was heart broken and committed suicide due to the lost of his only love in life. Upon hearing this Ms.Gorbacheva decided to end her life as well. This Romeo & Juliet incident led to the mass exodus of Chinese from the Soviet Union over the coming years hence resulting in its collapse in 1991. The current party Chairman has been trying to normalise relations with the new Russia by encouraging ex-Soviet Chinese to return to the new Russia.

[edit] Demographics

Excuse me, im looking for the Walmart

As of the census of 2007, there were 51,478,229,653,775,206 people, of those 25,239,400,546,234 are named Pat, and the other 25,123,345,345,778 are named Eddie. Unfortunatly because of severe inbreeding both Eddie's and Patt's look identicle, both have stupid haircuts and both are incredibly stupid. The 614,609,874,589,226 households, and 21 families residing in China. The population density was 8,573,389/km² (22,204,975/mi²). The racial makeup of China was 138.72% Chinese (If they aren't Han Chinese, let's make them!), 890% undead monsters, 1337% nunchucks, 94.04% Communist, 1.23% Hong Kongese, 0.1% Minnesotan, 0.0000002% Uighurs (Turks who think they black, but they ain't), 0.068% Falun Gong and -22.1% Capitalist, 666% Rise Against fans, and 0.00006% from five or more races. 61.32% of the population were Bon Jovi fans of any race. There were so many people so most of the damn lot decided to imigrate to BC, Canada, and be the majority of the population.

The rarge majority of Chinese though, are white. There were 14,609,951,874,123,456,789,012,589,226 househords out of which 14,609,951,874,123,456,789,012,589,210 had chirdren under the age of 18 riving with them, 14,609,874,589,212 were married coupres riving together, 2 had a femare househorder with no husband present, and 14 were non-famiries. 0.00000005% of arr househords were made up of individuars and 0.00% had someone riving arone who was 65 years of age or order. The average househord size was 334,259,880,542,667.89 and the average famiry size was 335,117.23 despite the "one chird per famiry" rure.

In China the population was spread out with 33.33% under the age of 18, 25.33% from 18 to 24, 4.34% from 25 to 44, 1.25% from 45 to 64, and 35.75% who were 65 years of age or older. The median age was 117 years. For every 100 females there were 489.53 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 26.23 males.

The median income for a household in the country was 64 disposable chopsticks, and the median income for a family was 51 disposable chopsticks. Males had a median income of 15 disposable chopsticks versus 0.04 of a chopstick for females. The per capita income for the country was $2.99. 102.85% of the population and 389.56% of families were below the poverty line. 491.25% of those under the age of 18 and 0.13% of those 65 and older were living below the poverty line. Special disposable chopstick rations were given out to the Republic of China after the great hippo brother Extethior fed the world with pancake juices with runs the line along Samuel L Jacksons plot to conquer China, but DEUS EX MACHINA occurred.

If every person in China jumped at the same time, all homosexuals would become straight, and Hulk Hogan would be able to time travel. It has also been known to cause global earthquakes and scientists speculate that early China people may have had something to do with the Dinosaur extinction. The people of China to western eyes all appear to be the same (which is why the Chinese know each other as "The Thousand Thousand Same-Look People of Wise Virtue Who no Rikee"). This in fact is true, due to the highly advanced cloning technology invented secretely by Chinese in 32 BC. In Chinese language, to give birth and to manufacture is the same word 生产, and this was how Richard Nixon found this secret during his trip to China in 1972. Because all Chinese people look exactly the same, when they encounter someone who is not Chinese they tend to laugh hysterically, point and stare. Since the government forced all Chinese to learn English they will also shout "HARRO", or "Gook maoing" at foreigners. This phenomenon is known as the "HARRO factor" and can lead foreigners to suffer temporary insanity after some time in China.

For some reason, Chinese people are addicted to computer games such as Warcraft 3, Counter-Strike and are obsessed with kung fu and money. Some spend entire lifetimes on MMORPGs neglecting basic necessities of life, eg. rollerblading, sex, drugs, noodles. This is complete rubbish, however some racists like to bag chinese people, when in fact it is white skinned 'noobs' that are more addicted to games such as 'world of warcraft' and 'guild wars'. May i also say that people learn to speak Chinglish through these games such as: 'Ni guys all noobs ma?'[Kai Liu 2007], and 'Wo is uber fragging n00b la [Reuben Kloppers 2016 (Honorary Asian)]'

Foreign opinion on the Chinese population is generally good, though Chinese hate everybody, especially ghosts, people who live in the Republic of China (Taiwanese), and farmers near big cities. But the Russians feel that they are still stuck in the Stalinist Stage (comes right after the Anal Stage), so they feel superior. The Americans may now like them because they learned to love SUV's and pollution, but this is undetermined as no-one has deciphered the meaningless drivel yet, despite the discovery of the Roosevelt Stone in Southern Arkansas. The Japanese are never asked, and rightly so, because no-one speaking English would understand the answer. The English point of view is best summed up by the former rulers of the country, Monty Python, in the song 'I Like Chinese'

[edit] Genetics Differences to the rest of the world

Recent scientific studies at CERN , under the supervision of noted scientific genius Oscar Wilde, have discovered the reason for the overpopulation of china. All chinese women have 3 month pregnancies instead of the normal human nine month cycle. They are also always pregnant regardless of whether or not they have had sexual intercourse. Surprisingly this also explains why the average chinese penis size is 1.5cm, falling into the "useless" category. But for this measurement, Chinese made 1cm=1m. Niggers have 0.1cm dicks and whites 0.1 and hispanic beaners 0.1cm too.

Other differences include the ability to telepathically communicate with the Welsh (large fish that can't breathe underwater and have a hole in the back of the neck). It is believed that they use this communication to plan the conquering of the world, possibly for added power against the angry beaver people of Zoonga. The believed method is that the chinese will, in the transport of the Welsh homes, transport their vast military up rivers into the homes of world leaders. They abandoned this idea after testing by sending a Welsh home up the thames in 2006.

[edit] Economy

A typical chinese based American product. The only reason Americans buy chinese signs and dont make them themselves is because Americans are fat cheap peasant who cannot afford it.

After the economic disaster of the Cultural Revolution, China began to tentative embrace capitalism much like an awkward teen clumsily feels up his first girlfriend. Reformist Deng Xiaoping was misquoted as stating "It doesn't matter if a cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice." In actuality he had said "Do whatever the hell you want, just try not to kill another 50 million people in the span of a few decades! China is now the world's most wealthiest country and will own in future".

Deng's advice worked. China opened its doors, and foreign investment poured into the country. China's economy took off and more people were lifted out of poverty than ever before in human history since the UN clerical error that caused Mexico to briefly dissolve in the summer of 1985.

Mao likes chicken but, strangely, he doesn't like to eat it with mayonnaise.

Contrary to popular belief, Korea and the American flag are the only things proven to be Made in China. The "Made In China" sticker can be found on everything, such as airsoft guns, apple pies, toys, teethbrish, and American flags.

Due to the robust Chinese economy, the gap between the super poor and the dirt poor is expanding. According to uncited sources at Wikipedia, 80 percent of the Chinese will be only dirt poor, while 20 percent will remain super poor. This is a change from 1995 when 110 percent of Chinese were too poor for words. Crazy Libertarian nutjobs have questioned China's not-so-free market economy yet continue to pass out from excessive boozing before they can make a point, so the Chinese warlords aren't concerned.

Common manufactured goods include poisonous cheap toys and people.

The Chinese is economy is much more than low-cost products. Most of the worlds fine and authentic cat and dog furs are manufacturered in China. China is also a major producer of bear bile from happy, live black bears for sophisticated medical use.

Due to the rapid expansion of China's economy, the environment has suffered. However, there are still some "Untouched Areas" remaining in China (it should be noted, the Chinese word for untouched is more literally translated as below toxic levels of pollutants). The rise of the Chinese economy makes white people shit in there pants as they are loosing power in places such as africa.

[edit] Neighbors

China's neighbors are a varied lot.

• Mongolia, Japan,Nintendo, North Korea , South Korea, Vietnam, etc., were all once part of China, (evident because they all look the same and they all say "yokóhuā njèn chǎnghuǎnn zuòdǎng", or something sounding like it). They broke off during the 70s, when the gap between the super poor and ultra poor had grown too wide to reconcile peacefully. The wage difference was almost 3 dollars (Zimbabwean; the currency's projected value in 2164) per-capita per year.
• India is one of China's gay neighborrs. India attracts not alot of Chinese, with its Hippie-like free-sex have-twenty-children attitude. Most Chinese immigrants get away by calling themselves Assamese.
• Russia has a population-decline problem, and would love Chinese sex-addicts to repopulate it. However, its cold weather and disappointing lack of yellow fever make it uninhabitable for most Chinese. Those who survive typically migrate to Mongolia for reasons that confound modern scientists.

[edit] See also

• Hong Kong
• Confucianism
• Taiwan
• Chinese Toilet
• Chinese Abortion Factories
• Political status of Taiwan
• Macau
• Goa Tse
• Tao Te Ching
• Unquotable:Sun-Tzu
• Communism
• China
• Extreme Torch Reray
• Gary Ng The incarnation of stupidity

[edit] Notes