Brian Peppers
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- You may be looking for Your Mom and not even know it!
(Translation: Brian Peppers Likes this article)
“In Soviet Russia, Brian Peppers still touches YOU!â€
~ Russian Reversal on Things that never change
[edit] Who the hell is Brian Pepper?
Brian "Bad Touch" Peppers (born Iain Elder) was born in the Wood River, Nebraska on November 1, 1968. Both parents were accidentally murdered by Brian during one of his fits of blind passion. He became a very influential cabana boy in interbellum East Germany, before a ridiculously circuitous sitcom plot involving sex and your mom also caused him to be nominated for the position of Supreme Court Justice. One may say Brian Peppers is the man. Brian Peppers prefers to be referred to by his nickname, B Pepps, or at the very least, B Peppaz.
Brian attended the "Batman school of touching junk" , and graduated with honors. As a result there is nobody else more qualified on the subject of junk touching than Brian Peppers, save Batman for all of his so called side-kicks named Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl, The Spoiler, and other children who become Batman's side-kicks like all of the Teen Titans. Batman has touched their their junk more than Brian Peppers has, apparently. This qualifies Brian as a certified junk toucher by Batman, as both of them like to work with children. Brian graduated top in his class and earned a PDH in Junk Touching and Constitutional Law which helped make him get nominated later for the Supreme Court Justice position.
In a response to Peppers' outrages, God caused Hurricane Katrina. Some have also claimed that Brian Peppers was the cause of Jesus' death; although it is also claimed that Peppers is Jesus himself. All arguments, about any subject, are pure fact, and are also the stories of which Metal Gear Solid 3 are based on.
Brian has one brother, Allen Peppers, who likes making fun of his poor brother on YTMND. Allen is also one of the foremost authorities on pagan nephrology in all of Poland.
You can reach Brian Peppers at 867-530ni-iine; if you reach Greg instead, leave a message. He'll get it.
[edit] His Contentious Nomination
Peppers' legal theories are based on his understanding of rapist's original intentions, mostly in regard to their treatment of young cats and dogs, nubile slave children and dead babies. Peppers' views have influenced a number of subsequent Constitutional scholars, notably Jimbo Wales, Henry Darger, and Roger Daltrey.
Two dramatic events happened during Senator Ted Kennedy's speech opposing Peppers' nomination. The senator began with the disclosure of Pepper's video rental history, including "Fiddler on the Schoolgirl," "House of 1000 Young Naked Girl Corpses," and the classic "Small Child Bound in Electrical Tape: The Clone Boobies."
Within an hour of Peppers' nomination to the Court, Kennedy took to the Senate floor with a strong condemnation of it. Kennedy declared, "Brian Peppers' America is a land in which six-year old girls would be forced into interminable tea parties with sweaty uncles, copies of Teen Beat would always have sticky pages, and... oh, dear lord..." With that, Kennedy vomited over thirty gallons of fine malt whiskey - to the delight of the audience, who proclaimed it, after a careful tasting, his best vintage ever.
To civil rights groups, Peppers' originalist views and his belief that the Constitution does not contain a general "right to privacy" were viewed as a clear signal that, should he become a Justice on the Supreme Court, he would vote to reverse the Court's 1973 decision to ban the webcams that had been installed in most childrens' locker and dressing rooms in the city of Paedophilodelphia.
Accordingly, a large number of angry, one-foot tall toddlers and pre-toddlers mobilized to press for Peppers' rejection in their adorable gibberish, and the resulting confirmation hearings became an intensely partisan battle. Despite threats of a filibuster, Peppers was finally confirmed in 1988.
[edit] Recent Work
- Nintendo made a video game of Brian Peppers called Brian Peppers DS: Touching is Good.
- Brian Peppers converted from Catholicism to Ancient Greek Man-Boy Orgyism in 1337 after inventing it. He is the wife of Greg Lesniewski
- Working on an autobiography entitled "How I Molested Children and Became an Internet Superstar ."
- He is also a trained classical pianist available for children's birthday parties and Bar Mitzvahs. His latest piece is a singer-songwriter piece entitled "Do a Barrel Roll!" accompanied by the hyper-soprano Princess Peach. This piece, not unlike many other works of his, has reached almost instant success for reasons most certainly unknown to the public.
- Brian Peppers is a well known actor, once starring in "Smallville" as Creep-El, Clark Kent's cousin. Unlike Kal-El aka Clark Kent, Creep-El decided to wear his costume instead of regular clothes. Brian Peppers previously starred in the TV hit show "Touched by an Uncle", which won him some awards.
- He now resides "peacefully" in a dark room. HE WILL TOUCH YOU
[edit] Wikipedia's conspiracy to erase the contributions of Brian Peppers from the public consciousness
Much like Joseph Stalin during his purges, the liberal media outlet Wikipedia has repeatedly deleted Brian's page, effectively "disappearing" him and anyones memory of him from Forty Years Ago.
Eventually it was realised that Brian is in fact Jimbo Wales' own father, and he threatened to ground Jimbo and put the servers in a garage sale if the page was not deleted.
Accordingly, after a truly epic vote for deletion it looked like the forces of justice and freedom had finally won the day for Brian Peppers. However, Jimbo Wales, in his tyranny, silenced the voices of the majority in an ironfisted display of totalitarian Nazi Communist Marxist liberal fascism. After an ambiguous 1-year censorship, the destruction of Brian Peppers' article became final; despite cries of the masses to bring Peppers back, he was locked away, and any discussion on his return was made taboo. He is now only spoke of in whispers in the sandbox.
Brian Peppers Likes to piib small boys. He also likes to tiib small girls Brain Peppers graduated from P.H.S *piib High school*
To honor this event, Wikitruth proposed February 21, 2007 to be Brian Peppers Day on the Internet. Every February 21st, we are to celebrate Brian Peppers Day to honor the day when Jimbo Wales used his powers on Wikipedia to delete the Brian Peppers article.
[edit] The Brian Peppers Christmas Album
Due to the rise of Brian Peppers in the American consciousness, his handlers have seen fit to allow Mr. Peppers to fulfill one of his lifelong aspirations: the recording and distribution of a Christmas album. Featuring family favorites such as "Oh, Little Girl, Won't You Give Me A Merry Christmas" and "lol im rly ugly", it was released on an EXTREMELY limited printing run and does not exist anymore starting at the end of this sentence which is being written right now at this time of which I am about to end this sentence k period.
[edit] Things Brian Peppers is accused of doing
- Doctor Doom once had a younger sister who died at the age of 6 from severe brain hemorrhaging as the result of massive head trauma from a donkey punch delivered by Brian Peppers. Doctor Doom didn't seem to notice.
- Brian Peppers helped watch the kids of Sgt. Peppers, his cousin, while Sgt. Peppers pursued a music career. Sgt. Peppers claims that Brain did nothing wrong, but then he wasn't home to see anything that happened.
- He also is accused of having sex with a male horse, a cow, 7 ostriches, 4 chickens, a female anaconda, and Satan.
- A Nurse claims that Brian Peppers groped her and ripped her skirt in a nursing home, and she filed sexual abuse charges against him as a result. Brain Peppers claims that he did not, but only tried to get her attention because his diaper was full and he was in a wheelchair and unable to use a toilet. That she kept ignoring him, until he finally grabbed her ass and tried to rip her skirt in a desperate attempt to get her attention.
- There is a list of people touched by Brian Peppers that outlines the accusations of inappropriate touching and other such things Brian is accused of doing.
- Brian Peppers really wanted to touch a little boy in the peepee. So he did.
- He is said to have a 24" long penis and rapes himself every night.
[edit] Peppers' Disease
Not much is known about Peppers' Disease, except that it is a very contagious STD, in fact it is the 4th fastest spreading STD. It is curable only with chicken noodle soup and Sprite. Unfortunately Brian lacks funding for such a diet. The best thing to do is to wear a paper bag over your head for a few weeks and try to get a good plastic surgeon. Or simply kill yourself.
[edit] Symptoms
If you are diagnosed with Peppers' disease, common symptoms to look out for are:
- Cult following on the internets.
- Uncommon attraction to children.
- Urge to move to Ohio.
- Slight changing of the facial structure.
- trying to service a platypus because it asked you to "mouth-fuck" it.
- Mild cough.
- Irresistible urge to bash head into a brick wall.
- Loss of will to live.
- "Needle in the Hay"
- The urge to use the washroom (an early and important sign, if this applies to you then you had best be checked at the nearest internet tube).
- An urge to jack off near Little Kids.
- Being a fan of Cookie Monster.
- Erectile disfunction
- Realize you're being turned into an internet fad.
[edit] After-life
Lead singer of Red Hot Chili Peppers. Hitler Jr.'s confidant. Brian Peppers was fucked by a dead animal and then killed by the husband farmer of that animal Ron Paul.
Brian Peppers came out of his dark room after being cured of peppers syndrome, and he realized he didn't want to touch kids anymore. He now peacefully touches old men at the spa in Canada. AAAGH!
[edit] Mispellings
- Brain Peppers
- Peppers
- Dr Peppers
- Brain Peepers
- Brian PIITB
- B-Pepz
- Osama bin Laden
- John Howard
[edit] See Also
- Earliest known forum post about Brian Peppers, March 21, 2005
- Snope's entry on Brian Peppers confirming that he does exist
- Wikitruth article on Brian Peppers
- Celebrate Brian Peppers Day
- Video of Brian Pepper's Life
- Brian Peppers' story by Dr. Seuss
- Brian, Nooooo!
- Brian Peppers Tribute
- Brian Peppers Strikes Again!
- Pedophiles
- Rape
- Sodomy
- Peppers
- Beans
- Chris Benton
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