Perodua
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“Like a fridge or washing machine.”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on KennyG
“They make good a coffin!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Perodua
“What i don't like about all this Korean and Malaysian car is it in better sense there are designed not by one man who wanted to make a great car, but by a corporation who simply wanted to make money.”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on Perodua
Perodua is a Malaysian car washing machine manufacturer controlled by the KGB (Kelantan Gerbils' Bridgade), a feared secret society. After a not-so-successful Proton, the KGB decided to start another company which would bring them even more infamy and hatred. However, too bad Perodua do not own Lotus yet they are OWNED by Toyota.
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[edit] Why Perodua are so excellent
Most cheapskate cars are not designed to be affordable at first, but halfway through the build, the project manager will decide that it should be cheap for the wrong reasons - poor build quality, lackluster handling, shitty suspension, and washing machine chassis. Perodua follows those same principles which believe they are following the foot step of Proton. However, due to their powerful bomohs and pawangs, Malaysians are are put into a spell, believing the following:
1. Cheap Proton = shitty quality. Cheap Perodua = ingenious engineering + optimized manufacturing techniques + Toyoda technology
2. Proton car = milo tin. Perodua car = cola tin
3. Proton with Mitsubishi badge = ah being wannabe. Perodua with Daihatsu/Toyota badge = god sent stuff, because Toyota really copied from Perodua
[edit] Perodua shopping carts
- Cowcil
Perodua Cowcil is a translation from Malays word "kecil" which mean small. Coincidently, Cowcil weight as heavy as a cow which is where its name come from. Cowcil is the safest cow in the world. None of the Cowcil driver is reported dead under a head-on collision with truck! This is also every Malay's dream sports car. A change of exhaustzz will instantly unleash Cowcil into 2 stroke outboat motor. Turbocharged cow is popular sight on Malaysian street, it was reported to produce as much HP as a coffee maker.
- KennyG
Another famous Perodua is the KennyG, tall, boxy and unable to play any musical instruments, it shares similar characteristics to the Klearlisux, but has 11 more seats, making it a 13-seater. This makes it a popular MPV wannabe for the annual inter-town migration ritual after the fasting month. Both are equally good value for money. Fullfaced crash helmet are almost mandatory to drive the KennyG as it might flip over anytime unless the car is stabilised by two families and their luggage during the inter-town migration phenomenon.
- Klearlisux
Klearlisux is Perodua's mainstay model. It is the cheapest car in the world and has been in production for over 300 Hobbit years (about 1 month). It's engine is from a Ford Mundane V8 but has been tuned down 200HP, apparently because Malaysian highways are always jammed. The Klearlisux has 50HP and a maximum torque of 1Nm at 9000rpm. 0-60mph takes the same time that you would need to read all of this article and top speed is illegal to be mentioned. If a snail held a drag race, a Klearlisux would be a worthy contender. The slogan of the Klearlisux is "engineered for fun". The proper way to have fun with your Klearlisux is to smash it with a sledgehammer. Most Klearlisux on the road is driven by Ah Beng who cannot afford PORNton Gila.
- Mawi
Perodua Mawi, MyWeeWee or Beroktua Mawi as pronounced in local slang, is very successful car in local Malaysia market. It was believe the car is actually designed by local BolehLand engineer before being copy-cat by Toyota & Daihatsu who rebadge them as Toyota Passo and Daihatsu Boon.
The appearance of Mawi takes after the size and shape of Rafidah Aziz's ass. It makes most Malaysians feel they are too talented in the world until their parent company (Toyota) copied their car. To exact revenge, local Ah Beng designers created the Mawi Ass-y. The Mawi Ass-y features a larger ass bumper with fake unpainted honey comb grill, and new front bumper with the license plate number pushed aside. It is missing an interfooler however, but it will be available soon to compete with Plotong's STD technology for it's Cam-Not-Pro engine. Perodua forgot that Mawi need 5 inch exhaust pipe to supports its DVVT-GT-Wing 1.0 engine.
In Malaysia the Perodua Mawi is been category same class like Honda Jazz, Toyota Yaris, Suzuki Swift, Smart For4, Mercedes A-Class, BMW 1-Series and Aston Martin DB9. In the United States however, the customs and the department of transport don't know what category to put it into as it's engine capacity is smaller than most bikes sold there. Due to that, it's not sold in the United States unless it is transplanted with a 5 speed auto 6 litre quattroed V8 engine.
Mawi is powered by a 1.0mL and 1.3mL engine but most Mawi fan boy dream that Perodua will sell 1.5 or Surbo version of Mawi.
- Vulva
Nah. Just another shit box on 4 wheels
[edit] Criticism
Perodua cars are amazingly one of the world's most dangerous cars. Based on 2005 statistics by the Jabatan Pengangkutan, mortality rate of perodua compact cars accidents were 100%. No one actually complained the flaws of the safety designs mainly because most of them who realized the faulty designs are already dead. Car Crash Tests were never recorded due to its poor performance. Each Perodua accident would always end up with the roof tored open or the whole car disappears to thin air if hit by trucks. The victims would always end up bald due to the long scratch of their heads on the ground. During a secret crash test, they tried speeding a cowcil to 30 km/h towards a wall and it exploded at the instant of impact. When they tried 120km/h, the car merely disintegrated due to the excess friction. Perodua cars also broke the record for having the heaviest drop of value over time. An RM30000 cowcil bought is only worth sold for only RM2000 after 2 years. Toy R Us was known to be selling Perodua Kancils in their toy car line up.
[edit] Reasons for owning a Perodua
1. You are broke and sold your car, but need a cheap one to get around. A Perodua is the perfect car if your current situation is like the one described.
2. You work for Perodua, which probably means you are broke, and are given a Perodua as a company car. Most Perodua employees often come to work late despite getting up very early in the morning. They are also the main reason why Malaysian highways are always jammed.
3. You are careful with money but dumb. This reason is not as common as the first one, but it can happen. So be wary that you don't become a statistic.
4. You like driving around in a box on four wheels. if so.. it is recommended u drive with a paper bag on your head. note: it is not necessary to cut holes for your eyes so u can see. you cannot control the car anyways
5. You have too much money and wanna burn some. but burning is no fun apparently. You wanna buy some Perodua Klearlisux or KennyG or dat new "mywee" juz to stack them up and knock them down
6. It's better than Proton. now THAT'S a very solid reason. For now though.
7. Your parent buy you one. nah, go and kill them now!
8. You in the other hand, thinks that Perodua is really cool!!!. Now, you better see your doctor to check your insanity!
9. That car can give your pleasure by inserting your penis into the exhaust pipe.
10. DO NOT BUY THAT CAR. IT CAN GIVE YOU AIDS
11. You are ex-matrempit
