Perth
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“Oh yeah, sorry about that one. My bad. ”
~ Jesus on Perth
“I've been everywhere, man. I've been..... Meekatharra, Meekatharra, Meekatharra, Meekatharra, Jail, Hospital, Meekatharra, Jail, ”
~ Kevin Bloody Wilson on A Town Other Then Perth
“LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK RORY ITS FUN. NO WAIT MY BAD ”
~ Jack on Perth
| |
| Motto: Progressivio Nullus | |
| State | Westralia |
| Official languages | Very Coarse |
| Mayor | Lisa Sardini |
| Established | 1616 by the Dutch |
| Re-Established | 1983 by Brian Burke |
| Currency | Dark Ages |
| Opening hours | 9:00am to 4:30pm |
| Civic anthem | "Leaving the city for the mines" by Delta Goodrem |
Perth is the smallest city of the Australian state of Westralia. Founded on March 32nd by Dutchess Fergilious of the Dutch Shipping Company to be the political centre of the new land Old Holland, it has continued to serve as the seat of Government until 1983 when secession of the state occurred by King Brian Burke I, to the present day.
History
Perth was one of the first towns in Australia to be founded. It was jealous of the colonies on the east coast, so it became one.
Over 180 years, the penal colonies became refined penal colonies, while Perth has to tried to secede from the other criminal bastards a couple of times. The 20th century first secession got kicked back by pommie bastards, a bit like a bad game of cricket. When secession got to the bastards from the east, they could only look at west coasters as who are only tolerated in this land so they can work the mines in the far north west to help prop up Australia's pathetic economy.
Perth's golden age was the 1980s. "Entrepreneur" (Perth slang for criminal) Alan Bond borrowed billions of dollars to buy free-to-air Channel 9, one of Van Gogh's irises, and the Labor government. He lost money on the first two, and the third collapsed in a dusty cloud of corruption before he could recoup his investment. Much of the Labor government subsequently went to jail, including one-time Premier Brian Burke who Australia had to politely recall from his posting as Ambassador to the Republic of Ireland and the Republic of Vatican in order to incarcerate. At his own trial, Bond, in what historians regard as his finest and proudest hour, pretended to have brain damage to avoid testifying. It didn't work, and he spent time at a prison farm teaching impressionable (Perth slang for gay) young inmates how to succeed in business.
After some geek from Pommie Land found it useful to research the lost colony of Old Holland, he soon found out the Portuguese had named the city as their holiday destinantion, in the Vasco da Gama Archives in Lisbon in 2006. The phrase which reads "Pertha desolato mui inconsolablo" which can be loosely translated as "Christ, why did our ship have to sink here on our way to Hawaii!". Also known to anyone who's ever even heard of it as Dullsville (more formally, Dullsville-on-Swan) it is the most isolated capital city in the world. Its inhabitants are generally referred to as "Sandgropers" by the Eastcoasters and are looked down upon as smelly, second-class citizens.
Culture
Cultural activity can only be successfully ascribed to Perth by mistaking it for someplace else, such as Lubbock, Texas or the Falkland Islands.
Perth, Westralia, should not be confused with: Perth, Scotland (Perth, Australia has less bogans); Perth, Tasmania; Perth, Ontario; or Perth Amboy, New Jersey. All of these places are colder and have less women in bikinis on their beaches, if they have them - beaches that is.
Downtown Dullsville is the best place to go to if you want to enjoy yourself. Want to get beaten up? Go to Wellington Street railway station. Sex? Again, train station. Hang with your mates? You guessed it. Hassled by aggressive, arrogant, heavy-handed and powermad (that's progressive, modern and proactive according to the commissioner and the union) cops? That's right, you know the place...
Contrary to the previous paragraph, Perth is so amazingly tedious it goes out the other side of "dull" and through to some sort of Nirvana-like state of introspection, only with Nutrasweet, yellow swimsuits, five months of thirty to forty degrees Celcius, undrinkable lager and hideous - yet curiously World Class - complacency and smugness. It is affectionately referred to by the far more interesting inhabitants of "The Eastern States" (also known as "The East Siiiide") as "that hole".
Also if you don't have a car you're utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly stumped. Literally, not having a car is a stumpable offence. Adequate, round-the-clock public transport is something only mentioned by Dullards immediately upon their return from someplace Not Dull, then immediately forgotten.
It's a damn good place to go when you have to get away from Melbourne or Sydney for six months, or however long it takes you to realise that those cities after total nuclear apocalypse have more life, love and interesting work to than Perth will in a million years. And better and cheaper food, booze and coffee. If you are thinking of retirement, then Perth is the place for you, it being comparable to America's Florida for its large number of elderly people doing nothing except complain about evrything and protesting and banning anyones idea to expand the city into something more interesting like LAS VEGAS or HOLLYWOOD with their porn industry, film industry, cassinos, entertainment and basically a lot more fucking fun than perth is. And people of all other age groups doing nothing except drinking booze and abusing or mugging and beating eachother or anything and anyone up....including YOU. Perth has limited entertainment facilities for its 1.5 million Dullards, as the noise restrictions - enforced by the Westralian police so as to "protect the community" - only allow you to be able to hear the sound of your own body clock slowly winding down during daytime hours. Ahhh, the serenity.
Dullsville is quiet and clean - it's like the Martians ran away centuries ago and left all their modern, progressive and proactive steel, glass and aluminium buildings behind. The very existence of anything shiny and new in Dullsville, even if built by Martians, is always noted as "iconic," "award winning, "highly acclaimed"," "world class," "architect designed" and "built to World's Best Practices" in endless government advertising (known elsewhere as propaganda) and the lickspittle lump of the Perth media's remains. As such, and suchly quiet and clean, Dullsville is somewhere to come from and never, ever go back to. Young Dullards are the city's most famous export, and either move to Melbourne, Sydney, London, Vancouver or - frankly - absolutely anywhere else on Earth which is not Dullsville - before they turn 30 or they curdle, give up and live a Life In Death.
Dullards are obsessed with something called "Dullsville's International Reputation" and whether or not some forgettable drivel is going to impact on it. None of these worryworts has bothered to align their fantasies with facts, as Dullsville doesn't actually have one of these mysterious International Reputations which are so deemed so valuable.
When the Dullards aren't busy mining, they usually pretend they're mining by playing in the sand at the beach or drinking in pubs without successfully talking to the women. The loud mouthed, overly made-up, really, really, REALLY over-perfumed and short-arsed women sit in the pubs in large groups and scowl and berate any man who looks at them, and then whinge into their mobile phones about no guys coming up and talking to them. Sometimes Dullards seek respite from this by going to Rotto to catch squid, get drunk and attempt to snorkel. As you do.
What To Do In Perth
Get out of town, quickly...for those who fail to do so, get stoned, pissed, and fuck the nearest object that attracts ur attention, or you could always get intimidated and THEN beaten up by the bored locals who sit together in groups in the streets looking for something to maim and kill...... there really isn't anything better to do.
Reproduction
Perth is inhabited by a bizarre species of human. The males may be called "imnot homo- butiam-erectus" and the females are simply called hoes. perhaps the most interesting aspect of these creatures is there bizarre mating rituals. Many become sexually mature at age 14, at which they make their traditional journey as their forefathers did to one of many locations- Lancelin, margeret river, pinkeys beach, or lukes dad's place. when they reach their destination they will consume various mind altering substances, find the nearest soft spot on the ground and do what is referred to as "fuck" their mate. This beautiful time of the humans life will often be followed with either the words "FUCK THE CONDOM FUCKING BROKE", "DID I MENTION I HAVE AIDS?", "WELL THAT WAS SHIT" or finding another mate and fucking the life out of them too.
How To Get Out Of Perth
Don't bother because it takes to long to go any where interesting. Although, if you're really desperate, you could try swimming to Madagasca. (The equivalent of Africa's Tasmania) Another alternative is to join the Freo Footy Club(Basically if you can get foot to ball, they'll sign you up straight away), then, once you're off to play somewhere interstate, either in Adelaide or Melbourne or Gippsland for some reason, you could pull a Sierra Leonian and pissbolt to some random suburb to hide from the authorities. If you don't like any of these methods, there may be another way of leaving Perth in the near future; scientific study has shown that Perth is drifting further and further away from the rest of Australia every day, so just by resting on your laurels, eventually you'll bump into Bangladesh(I hear it rains there!).
Garden City
Garden City is the largest shopping centre in the world. Whilst covering an area roughly 3 times the size of Wales, the designers failed to put any Gardens in the design meaning it has become one of the greatest engineering blunders of all time.
Between the hours of 10am and 3pm, movement within the complex is impossible due to the compact collection of pathetic old people whom which are simply waiting to die. From opening until 10am, infuriated yuppie types - except they're not ACTUAL yuppies because they don't make high six or seven figure salaries at all and think owning a 15 year old, pre-owned small Mercedes amounts to achievement - storm around attempting to buy various goods, but normally end up leaving in a different set of clothes than they entered. The amazingly high cost of clothes in suburban Dullsville will do that to a Dullard, which is sad.
After 3pm, when children are released from their containment compounds, Garden City becomes a hotplace of underage sex and drinking. The various tunnels known colloquially as the Catacombs become packed with the writhing bodies of 16 year old girls and the bodies of their older, more perverted brothers. The phenomenon of this incestual ceremony is currently being studied by academics.
Daylight Savings
Daylight Savings has recently been a huge issue in Perth, highlighting just how little occurs in this city. Over the years, three referendums were held, asking people if they wanted to introduce daylight savings. At all three, the people voted 'no' out of fear that the Sun God would punish them for trying to tell him what to do. Hey, we all saw what happened to Oedipus when he tried to defy the Gods.
However, now that the Nazi Communist Military regime is in power, they decided to fuck what the people think and introduce it anyway- after all, the people are all brain dead drunks who don't know what they want, not like the Aryan supermen who know exactly what we want and will never, ever, make a mistake (I'll be sent to jail if I say otherwise). The aftermath was disastrous. Algae clogged the Swan River and killed all the fish(except the blowfish which feed on the poisonous slime and threaten to destroy humanity as they morph into vile beasts), work on the Perth-Mandurah railway ground to a halt, and the local soccer team (Perth Glory) started losing games. Scientific evidence claims that these events had no link at all to daylight savings and would have occurred regardless, but this is thought to be propaganda because we all know that the Sun God is pissed and these are actually the first 3 plagues out of a scheduled 300. If you're still not afraid, let's not forget that he smote Peter Brock while the man was visiting Perth- he's a fucking vengeful being.
If you really want to get your ear worn off in a hurry, start talking about daylight savings to a Westralian. Westralians seriously think that they are the only place that has ever thought of having daylight savings before and as such are unaware of the impact of the extra hour of daylight on curtains and bovines.
The opposition of DLS by West Australians, amongst other issues such as De-regulated trading hours, just how backwards a lot of people in this city are.
Visiting Perth
No-one ever leaves Dullsville, except those with a measurable pulse. It's on the other side of the event horizon. You don't get out of Perth except by going "Fuck it, I'm outta here" and leaving with a ticket and a single suitcase — the travel equivalent of quantum tunnelling. Perth has also been said to be on the other side of Australia's non-event horizon.
You forget your name when you come to ... Perth. You go to Perth, you better buy your ticket out before you go, as you may wake up one day three years later and notice you have Perth friends, a boring Perth job and a Perth spouse with whom you've raised 2.3 Perth Children.
Whilst visiting Perth, be sure to watch the local sporting heroes, the west coast eagles and please feel free to laugh at the Fremantle Dockers.. [as some one has obviously failed to mention to them that they're jersies are purple and more than slightly poofy] who both play some poofy game called Strayan Roolz Footy (aka Strules). Also when watching the West Coast Eagles, make sure you keep an eye out for booze buses or stray taxis, as they are about to be run away from or attacked respectively.
While in Perth, do not go to the iconic, architect designed and award winning $100 million Bell Tower (Nicknamed by Fat Pizza as "the cockroach rooting a stick" and quoted by people "who the fuck wants to see it?!?!") because it is a little bit shit. Especially those 'light shows', which the critics call 'fantastic'. Load of crap. It's a display of a blue and red lights, switching on and off alternately. You may want to go Down South to camp or get drunk and stuff.
Notable Places in Perth and Surrounding Areas
Ballajura
Merits a mention, simply for it's structural fuckedness. Where else can you find atleast 2 primary schools and a highschool on one street. Where else can you find a shopping complex when driving in any direction for a maximum of 5 minutes. Various chruches on the same street.. [when it's quite obvious that Ballajura is the homeland of all Satan Spawn and no one actually uses them.] So many ovals and parks you'd be forgiven for thinking after a while of planning housing the developers sat back, looked at the designed and said "well fuck this". Situated in the center of Central Ballajura is what can be seen as the "Posh" or Yuppy central of Balljura.. Summer Lakes.. They may be lakes.. but summer never comes here. Walking through any section of ballajura one can be sure to run into drunk, extremely underclothed 14 year olds sprawled out across a pathway, showing all that should not be shown to passers buy. If you want your party to be crashed by random sluts and coon's who think they are somehting tough [as well as those idiots who hang around them and fail to realise they're white].. Have it in Ballajura. All those with anything resembling a brain cell know to stay as far away from South Ballajura as possible. Breeding ground for every type of low class, drunkard, theiving areholes, the less said about South Ballajura the Better. North Ballajura is really no better.. it's only claim to fame is that it is NOT part of Alexander heights. Ballajura Community College.. Or Concentration Camp as its students fondly refer to it.. is best known for the massive fight that erupted on the oval between teachers and students. Ballajura.C.C is celebrating its second year in a row of 100% graduation.. which is not really that hard when all of say 50 students are enrolled in T.E.E and the rest are in a program called ACCES.. where you dont actually need to attend any class to graduate.
Ballajura is mainly populated by young sluts, idiot males who fail to realise their skin colour.. and those who do.. are generally even bigger cunts because of it. and here is a fair well to the only two real heroes of ballajura PTE.J.L.McCRACKHEAD- PTE.R.W.BEETNIK who are goin to serve in over seas deployment to iraq with the pongo army of godless bastard baby raping pricks.
Gosnells
Gosnells is the bogun central of southern perth. Not only did it rename its high school to get some credibility, it also had to be the name of the council, since it thought it would be a good "name". Many Gosnells citizens are stupid, and or sluts, especially Shannon. Many people would love to drop an a-bomb on gosnells, however its new trendy civic centre really does make it all the more better. Including the new tree top walk that is going to be destroyed by the local hoodies in exactly 5 minutes from now.
Mandurah
Mandurah also know as gods waiting ground is the shithole refuge for bums so low they are deemed not even worthy of Northbridge's streets. Its article is included in Perth's section, because Mandurah wasn't deemed significant enough of having it's own.It's mainly inhabited by Bogans, Wiggas, the odd asian immigrant and home of the army of old women. How ever, the only intelligent life to date remains to be the crab people and local ninja, Ryan Tanger and your yo momma. It has recently been developed into a series of over priced canal homes, advertised by Rex Hunt, these homes are often lived in by people too rich for perth, but too old and gay for margaret river. Although demand is dropping as people slowly realise, who the fuck would want to live in Mandurah?
Fantasy land for Toolies as it is populated by female minors dressed like park avenue whores and old women dressed like 1780's prostitutes. Although there's one place in mandurah that, if you end up there for some reason, you should visit, frederick irwin school. It's oval is bigger then the school part even though it goes from kindy to year 12, the gardeners keep every little spot of grass green and cut the flowers off plants to go with the uniform so students can blend into the background. Freddy Gerkins, as they are known, are a class above other Mandurah scum, such as Mandurah Catholic and Mandurah Senior High scum as they are all seen as dumb shits.
It should, however, be noted that students whom attend Frederick Irwin are completely oblivious to the horribly homosexually inclined nickname previously mentioned (Freddy Gerkins), and as such fail at life. All inhabitants of Mandurah, regardless of the school they currently attend and will no doubt later drop out from in order to pursue a long career as a deadbeat, are complete assholes, having belonged to the most assholic city ever to grace the most assholic state of the most assholic country in the world - obviously excluding France. The main point of this article is to inform you to never live in mandurah and never attend Frederick Irwin as they have crap uniforms.
- NOTE if you find the crazy drunk bum on the foreshore and give him 50cents, he will tell you his life story and how he plans to clone a kangaroo using his fake kangaroo leather jacket which he got from the salvos, then teach aforementioned kangaroo to play the harmonica so that they can move to the Gold Coast together and earn money.
Midland
- Fuck it (but definitely not anyone who lives there)
- Don't even bother.
- Almost as fucked as Kwinana, just not quite as far away and actually considered a town.
- End of the line.
- Beginning of the end.
- On the wrong side of Perths "non-event horizon"
- Home of the infamous Midland Gate, a 'shopping mall' frequented by white trash bogans.
Northbridge
Don't like train stations? Never fear. Welcome to... Northbridge! also known as "Crime Capital" of the world. Just a class up from Mandurah, Northbridge is the refuge for all homeless, drunk, smelly, hatefull, Racist or otherwise low Perthians to hang out at night and assult ANYBODY in sight, even the heavilly armed cops who are more than happy to shoot first, then shoot again and then loot the corpse. You'd be fucking god-damned crazy to venture there without four or more mates, each with thick Wrestler type muscles and all aremed machetes or guns or so on. And watch for the flying bottles...and flying boongs! and be sure to wear ear plugs to not hear racist and verbal insults thrown at you, and dont stop moving or you could end up with a dagger in the chest.
It's a shame that perth does not have a good program that can deal with the homeless, unlike the eastern states which have one, they call it 'winter'.
Padbury
The most common way to get to padbury is via the Whitfords train station, upon arriving you will be greeted by upper middle class parented teenage white boys who believe they are white gangstar trash, simply because they live in one of the unfortunate suburbs surrounding the asshole of perth, craigie. Once moving through the crowds of people waiting at the train station to not catch a train you can either catch one of two buses, drive(if your car hasn't been broken into or stolen) or walk down whitfords ave. Upon reaching the heart of Padbury you will realise this is the one place that really has it all, 3 public primary schools, a christian school, and a high quality secondary education facility known as padbury high school, here you will see two distinct factions, the few remaining home boys who have not gone to the "traino" yet, and the increasingly popular emo kids. padbury's local deli is run by everybody's favorite sleze, wally. Alternitavely you could visit IGA or the BP service station. Or, if you like pretending you are rich you could go to padbury on a slope, mor commonly known as hepburn heights. They city of Joondalup has destroyed any hope of musical talent ever coming out of padbury, banning band practice sessions that last longer than warm-up. in conclusion, for your own best interests, stay out of this place, and please, dont go any further north... it just gets worse.
Rockingham
Rottenest Island
Rotto, or Rottnest Island to Poms and Aussies who choose to articulate, and officially "Rottenest Island", is the closest thing to a holiday that fed up Perthians have at a reasonable (cheap) price. Situated 18 kilometres from the nearest brewery, it has had to find other ways of attracting the Australian sapiens. When all else had failed, the tourism industry turned to a unique species of non-killer kangaroos called Qu'rans. These 80 foot tall fire breathing marsupials are a magnet to Japs and Yobbo Australians who are keen to take on this fearsome giant rat in hand-to-hand combat. It happens that the younger generation may not be interested in this form of gladiatorial combat, preferring to listen to Radiohead and fail to score with underage girls instead. This is where Pinky Beach comes in.
Pinky beach is home to the highest concentrations of drunk 14 year old girls and boys in a deshevilled state who are desperately trying to lose their virginity. Rottnest, including Pinky Beach, is a legendary place in Perth's youth culture. It is the inevitable location of a young Perthian's loss of virginity, whether the rufies worked or not.
Secret Harbour
Secret harbour is the most boring place in the whole world. it is a place where old rich people spend their miserable lives suffering from boredom and assult induced dementure. every street is perfect, yet they all look the same which results in it being impossible to find a specific house. Secret harbour has recently built a shop. this has provided a source of entertainment for the millions of people that live there.
Success (NOT SUCCESS HILL, OTHER DIRECTION)
Success is a self abosrbed suburb (other than Dalkeith, Peppermint Grove and that shithole Mosman Park). For a fairly new suburb it’s extremely strange, new suburbs don’t usually get so smug so early on. For example Subiaco didn’t become smug until more recently, when they finally got rid of the giant river rats. The smugness has come about with the promise of a train station which will be part of the Perth to Mandurah rail way line (see WILL NEVER FINISH) and the shopping centre formerly known as “Gap Lays” which will hopefully become as big as Carosell (doubtful). One of the local shithole schools is called E-Manu-Hell. This Cult school is where they teach such classes as Art for the mentally slow, slacking off for idiots and Your education: Not caring. Hopefully the school is to be closed in 2010 but parents fear their already white trash children will not get a good education at Lakelands. Specialists disagree stating they will at least end up in juvi detention which is better than E-Manu-Hell. Local citizens tend to have their heads up their ass (even though no one would want to live in success because it's the most bland suburb that is surrounded by bush) so approach with caution. Just act like one of their own children and they will ignore you. Several people have been found dead recently in success, due to them being unable to escape the area as all the streets and houses look the same. Tips: Beware of smugness.
Transport
To get to the pubs or beaches, Perthites must risk life and limb by driving on West Australian "roads" along with all of the other lunatics that are trying to make their way to the nearest watering hole. Obeying road rules is purely optional whilst trying to get to a pub and gestures such as fingersigns and mooning are encouraged. Speed limit signs serve no purpose other than as shooting targets. NO Perth driver has the ability to merge their car in traffic or can distinguish "left" and "right" ("no, the other left") and this usually results in huge clusterfucks of traffic jams, especially around the aptly named Narrows Bridge. Drivers that claim to have the ability to merge in traffic are liars and are immediately shot and fed to a dingo.
It should also be noted that Perth drivers exhibit a number of interesting peculiarities:
If it rains - they stop. If its foggy - they stop. If the wind is blowing - they stop. If there is a 'D' in the day - they stop. If road works are in progress - they stop. If a car stops on the side of the road - they stop. If a motorcyclist has an accident and police are in attendance - they stop. If a motorcyclist has an accident and no police - they swerve around the scene and keep going.
NOTE: This is because motorcyclists are pure evil, and are often to be found breaking all laws, so you have to stay away from them or run them down if you are brave enough. Perth drivers are also renowned for slowing down when driving into tunnels and it gets that dark they cannot see the light switch so they do 40klm until they get out the other side. It would be very easy to think that the ultimate Perth driver would be seventy years old, wearing a lawn bowls hat and driving a Volvo truck, but in most cases they are 45 and driving a Mercedes Vito van. Other than that, Perth has the only drivers in Australia who do not know how to merge, use indicators or mirrors.
If a Perth driver is leaving Fremantle via Leach Highway and is going to turn right somewhere in, say, Riverton, 25km away, they will (a) move _immediately_ into the right hand lane; (b) drive at 40km/hr so that they don't miss the turn; and (c) indicate at least 5km before they reach their intersection. Also, a typical Perth driver will _always_ stop before turning a corner, regardless of whether they are turning left or right, and whether there is any reason to do so.
Motorcyclists in Perth are considered a suicide risk, as anybody who would try to ride a motorcycle through Perth traffic must have a death-wish. The police, however, have come up with a new evil machine to combat this - the MULTANOVA, which is now set to take your happy snap at 2kph over the limit (NB - no speedometer on earth is that accurate, not even in those in Porsches, so enjoy your fines). Sitting behind trees, it takes photos of innocent drivers who are goink 10 ks below the limit, but they've all been tweaked by those cops who want all that money. Bet they spend it on donuts. Perth Street Bike riders are considered a great scapegoat by both the media, government and certain chairpersons of Safety Councils. Obviously it is a lot easier to have new laws introduced if the public can be convinced it will target the heinous motorcycle riders. Typical of Perth drivers though is that they fail to realise that these law changes will soon be catching them in far greater quanities than they ever would catch motorcyclists.
The skies may be bright, but it sure as hell doesn't mean the drivers are.
As bad as the motor cyclists are, there is nothing more dangerous and irritating than the Bicycle cult, hell bent on an agenda of world domination which they call a "green future". On their way to work or back home motorists must constantly swerve around these cult cyclists in fear of their lives. This causes heavy congestion and makes people even later than they already are due to perth roads. Most frightlingly, even though a driver may have passed a cyclist, as soon as they think they are safe at some traffic stop, lo and behold the cyclist overtakes them, taking up an entire lane as if it is some kind of god given right. This is their greatest method of recruitment, motorists who are frustrated with both roads and cyclists, throw their hands up in the air and say "if you can't beat them join 'em". As irritating as the cult is, nothing can be done about them as they seem to have infiltrated high places in the government. The cults graffittee can be seen on walls around the most congested of roads, mocking motorists with propaganda like "cycle instead you idiot".
A classic example of Perth's "unique" road system is the principal artery connecting the Perth CBD to the port city of Fremantle. This is officially designated as "Stirling Highway" although in any other city it would probably be designated "Track". It is a two-lane single carriageway for its entire length and in a bizarre twist of urban planning, has more traffic lights than intersections. Vehicles turning right are not provided with slip-lanes, meaning they must stop in the right hand lane blocking traffic. The left hand lane is mostly taken up by bus stops, which for some reason are placed in the middle of the lane rather than in a siding. This combination frequently results in both lanes of traffic being blocked for long periods of time. Stirling Highway is, of course, just one example of Perth's transport infrastructure, which is studied world-over as a perfect example of How Not To Build A City.
Perth also boasts an international airport, which may handle several people in a day, depending on whether the small crash-prone planes make it to their destination. It has also yet to discover the wonders of having baggage trolleys. Most people using the airport are leaving Perth to find a better life in a small hole somewhere out in the Australian desert. Due to these increases in passenger numbers there are complaints that at peak times there may be a car parked along the drive to the carpark, causing another driver to slow down to the speed limit briefly on their otherwise uninterrupted journey. There are also occasionally flights to Indonesia, but most pilots simply choose to land on a highway in an effort to bypass the airports customs, which can take between 10 to 20 decades to go through.
Australian Tours
One of the perks of living in Dullsville is updating the list of top bands which choose not to go there, which is ALL of them. This is due to several factors, the two biggest being; (1) Perth's isolation, (2) The Nimbies of Subiaco who cannot stand the noise of tens of thousands of less-monied Dullards having a better time than them ("Don't those peasants with their unhighlighted hair REALISE how much we paid to live in Subi??????") In reality, its because overseas bands dont like our bands. Who can blame them?
The "Bell" Tower
The Swan's Balls (AKA The Duck's Nuts) Belltower was originally designed as a long range inter-continental ballistic missile, prompted by the Lord Emperor Richard Court's sudden realisation that Jakarta was closer to Perth than Sydney.
Plans for the immediate deployment of the weapon were shelved when a reconnaissance party sent to Indonesia, returned with intelligence indicating that the island of Bali was actually part of the Indonesian Nation and not a northern Tasmania.
Upon learning this revelation, it was decided that as Rotto would shortly be underwater due to global warming, Westralia could not risk upsetting Indonesia for fear of being banned from entering their country, and hence leaving the population of Westralia with nowhere suitable to lose their virginity.
After the towers brief but dramatic moment in military history, it was converted into a massive penis, compensation for Emperor Court's well know but rarely mentioned inadequacy. Once installed, the bells were immediately muffled as it was widely believed the sudden introduction of noise into the city of Perth, may have had the potential to scare the horses.
With it's explosive potential removed and virtually no sound eminating from the bells, the Tower was promptly forgotten and it's current location is a constant source of urban legend and speculation.
Perth in popular culture
Forget J. G. Ballard's Vermilion Sands stories which could have been set in Perth, Neville Shute's On the Beach is far more appropriate - the radioactive cloud is due to come from inland any year now the locals are being convinced uraniam mining is good for you by all the slaves of John Howard.
The beachside suburb at the end of the world. Anyone from Perth understands why Shutes or Ballard's tedious cardboard cut-out middle-class suburbanites go whacko. Also, if you look closely during the car chase in "Diehard 4" you can see Perth reading a newspaper in the background.
Perth is also very popular for it's attempt to force the OBE (Out-of-date Bogan Education) system on schools around the world. Praised by the dumb-arse because the OBE exams are so basic, a four year old could get into Medicine/Law at University afterwards. Thankfully the only people who are making statements such as this are also the ones who are in dire need of OBE. As Perth is largly a state for the elderly it is clear to see why there is such reluctance to introduce OBE in Perth - They cannot comprehend it, therefore they criticise it. Luckily Perth will always be behind the rest of the world in academic standing, due to the vast number of people unwilling to embrace change then it is safe to say that OBE will never be introduced here. Currently, Ms Ravlich is the only person to have completed OBE.
Politics
See also Westerreich (Westralia, Western Australia the "Western Realm")
Western Australia's state political authority is the Labor fifth reich government.
Policies
Led by Alan Carpenter, successor to Geoff Gallop, Labor apparently has made many key policy developments to the empire of Western Australia. Apparently Alan Carpenter likes to stay in touch with the issues facing all Western Australians. By doing this he is able to identify ways to distract the vocal minority, like introducing hoon laws, whilst his off siders fuck us up the arse with the highest stamp duty rates in Australia and running down public hospitals so that you attend one just to be transferred to a better run/funded Private hospital, thus avoiding the Private hospital admision fee not covereed by you health care plan.
"At Cottesloe beach, I received a move on notice. Then I saw Alan Carpenter in ghost form.... then one of his boys took me down to the station."
OBH drinker from the country
Labor key strategies aren’t just about touching little boys though. The Labor Government is raping the current strong economy to build a better future for all Labor safe seats. Thus allowing him to remain in office long enough to acually finish a train line several elections in the making, mostly due to the fact its development was overseen by a drink driving woman, with bad fashion sense and a chip on her shoulder so big it should get her the green vote.
Future policies
"We are looking at taking over NSW, Sydney, Adelaide, Melbourne and maybe a bit of asia... oh yes and ultimately Tasmania" "The Holy Roman Empire must unite" "Death to the Tasmanian"
They know that Western Australia’s economy is booming, they are building new infrastructure.
"The public euthanasia program aims at addressing the needs of Westralians" "The public euthanasia program aims at developing special infrastructure on rottnest island that will deal with the ideological requirement's of the Labor's 5th Reich"
Other plans for the Reich this year include the public transport authority with new train stations that will allow us to deal with any Tasmanians we have.
"If beer technology relies on Tasmanian blood, then we will have to do without beer technology for a while"
"There will be no impurities on Westralian soil"
Michelle Roberts, leader of the fifth Reich
In addition to the public euthanasia program for Tasmanians, the latest police campaign has been finding the serial killer"
"many have already lost digits"
"They were all pure blood"
Michelle Roberts, leader of the fifth Reich
New developments
Building new train stations will give exciting new opportunities to commuting Australians. “The new Perth to Rottnest line will allow us to deal with any Tasmanians” Oh yes and they won't be getting a refund on any multi riders either.
Director General Brett Inchley
Current policy
Labor is not just about building the Southern Suburbs railway or saying no to WA becoming a nuclear waste dump and rejecting poker machines. “The key elements in implementing a backwards state is not about just walking or talking backwards, you have to do everything backwards from the ground down.
Labour fifth Reich is also ensuring restricted practices on trading hours; you must prevent freedom of speech.
"If you say nothing no harm will come to you"
"We will oppress John Howard's radical energy schemes. Ultimately you must have pictures of Muslims that look like terrorists on our party website. Only then is true backwards ideology present and functional”
Labor is building key infrastructure to give the state a landmark feature. The Michell Roberts gaping vagina (aka the "blood belcher") tower is also being built adjacement to the Richard Court sisaemic erection Tower. The estimated completion date is 2009.
The Western Australian Labor Government are making decisions for tomorrow, not just for today. Messages like ““If you drink and drive you will get caught”, “planning an Easter break?” , “Do a burn out and we'll cut your balls off” "Tasmanian: Not welcome!" are just some of the messages that we are telling people. Our scare tactics are working.
Australia's Legacy
One of the key developments in Australian politics has been from legal rights advocate Eddie Marlboro. Eddie Marlboro worked on a number of jobs before becoming a gardener with James Cook University in Townsville, Queensland at the age of thirty one. Here, Eddie pioneered the first flavours of fine tobacco from the fresh leaves of the plant genus Nicotiana. In 1902 He brought out Menthol Milds, Lucky Strike and Blend 27. By 1903 he had successfully marketed many brands of tobacco and was selling them 25% faster than his top-selling counterparts.
In 1905 Marlboro listed his company on the stock exchange and applied for legal copyright on his intellectual property, but was arrested on the way to the patent office for disorderly conduct and miscellaneous inappropriate conduct categorized. Marboro served 22 years in prison, and was released in 1927 on conditional release, that he work as a slave for a period of 400 months.
In 1916, the state government declared the tobacco market non-existent and later introduced British American Tobbaco, which took brought on many tobacco products including Virgin Soil lights, uninhabited land special brand and finders keepers special filters. British American Tobbaco was extremely popular and with strong leadership from Australian and British owners, became the nations leading tobacco supplier. In 1970, British American Tobacco was listed on the stock exchange, and still today is the mainstream cigarette for true Australians.
Famous Perthites
Geoff Gallop
Geoff resigned from his position as Premier of WA to recover from depression caused by Brian Burke's attempts to regain control of the labor government. He has since moved to the eastern side of Australia, to teach people in the east how to not be bored. As such, he strenuously recommends they never, ever spend so much as one picosecond in Perth.
Rove McManus
See Satan
Kim Beazley
Kim Beazley is now a planet orbiting a distant star, sizing it up for his next midnight snack.
Ljijljijajnnja Ravlich
Outcomes based education? See. Stupid lady who needs an education.
Russell Hawkins
Undoubtably the most attractive example of the Australian male. No Contest. Known to miss the cupcake on frequent occasions. Dancing soon in a public toilet near you. You might want to check for him under your bed tonight kids.
The Phantom Cyclist
The bane of all Perthians, and leader of the Cyclist Cult, this man (or woman) gets in the way of your car when you're late to work. They move at a constant speed of 40km/hr.
The Turkey Lady
This one of a kind woman is a rare and fascinating sight. To most people when they see her, she is just a completely normal elderly lady sitting down in her car or on a bench waiting for a bus. Wait a few minutes, and thats when the fascination begins. All of a sudden out of nowhere, GOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLE (which is more of a BLEBLEBLEBLEBLE sound) fills the surrounding area. Most people are stunned, some laugh, most hold it back, pretending not to hear. In recent findings, Ms Shaw has been confirmed as the Turkey lady.
Rofl Harris
The most excessively hirsute Westralian ever born. An accomplished artist and animator most recently famous for creating a movie length anime feature starring the Queen of England in her first ever pornographic role. See QILF's
Most famous for shaking a piece of wood. Notably that piece of wood had more talent than him. Or WAAPA.
Wanted in 27 English speaking countries for his remodelling the classic AC Zeppelin song "Escalator to Hell" in Andrew Denton's groundbreaking ABC TV Series "The Money or I'm Off (to Triple M)"
Alan Bond
A shonky businessman from the 80s who let the world know where Perth was by winning the America's Cup in 1983. When the America's Cup race was held in Perth in 1987, the world was shown how crap Perth was, proving 1983 was a fluke, or Dennis Conner threw the competition in 1983 on a bet.
The Vic Park Stroller
A strange individual that is seen constantly wandering the streets of Vic Park in little more than a pair of high cut denim shorts with appropriately sized fag hanging from mouth. Due to an obvious distortion of the fabric of space and time this individual is guaranteed to appear in front of you at any place and time you mistakenly visit Vic Park.
Brian Burke
See Fat Tony
See Also
