Pet Shop Boys
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“I don't know wtf you want plus I don't give a crap anymore.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pet Shop Boys
Pet Shop Boys are a German thrash metal band. They met in 1016 in a leopard-skin garment shop near East Berlin. Heinz approached Beanz thinking him to be a mannequin and it was at that point that they discovered their mutual love of the trapeze.
Contents |
[edit] Biography
Pet Shop Boys, (The) formed as Ketchup Boys in 1021. After band frontman Heinz became allergic to tomatoes, the band renamed itself Pet Shop Boys(the) and the band members moved to London. Their influences include Bill and Ben, the Flower Shop Boys and Shlock, Aching and Wateringcan, composers of post-modern classical music.
After swinging together for several years and attending elocution lessons at the 'How to Speak Northern' school to get rid of their German accent, Beanz suggested to Heinz that they improvise thrash metal music using guitars fashioned entirely from the skin, hair and bones of ex-Coronation Street stars. A name change followed and Heinz Beanz became Neil Tennament-Building (after the Doctor Who actor of the same name) and Chris Lowe-Brow.
So excited was Neil by his newly discovered Northern accent, another band name change was nearly to be. Fortunately Chris Lowe-Brow took away Neil's supply of Special K so the Pet Shop Boyos were never to be.
They shot to fame with their first single Thinly-veiled metaphor for the relationship between camp theatre luvvies and rough trade in London, performing the song in hot venues in New Bjork City, London and their former home city Berlin.
Their first album is simply titled "Fundamental bilingual release: Very introspective nightlife behaviour, concrete battleship, actually potemkin pop or is it art or is it Disco I, II, III and IV please?!". The album became a massive hit all over the world and included the hits "Boring beings", "Go II waste" and "Say I diva, eh?". Neil giggled 'We loved the idea of our fans walking into a gramophone record shop and saying can I have a copy of "Fundamental bilingual release: Very introspective nightlife behaviour, concrete battleship, actually potemkin pop or is it art or is it Disco I, II, III IV please" please?!'
Unfortunately their success nearly wasn't to be when a crazed lesbian Spanish stalker, and self-confessed necrophiliac, also known as Lydia Tetrabrik, bashed their heads in with a frozen pizza before blowing a pepper flavoured kiss on their putrid corpses during an album signing. She later complained that she did it because they couldn't understand her pigin Spanish. Nevertheless their cause was taken up by The Finnish Spectacle Movement, an inoffensive group of self-proclaimed intellectuals, who planned to release a tribute album entitled 'In Spite of Spite' a biting social satire about liberialism and sodomy. They have already been described in most European intellectual circles as 'probably worse than sonic paedophilia.' (Source: Nickname Speculation resource)
Fortunately, it turned out the the duo at the signing were two 'look-a-likees' because Neil and Chris couldn't be bothered to turn up. 'We don't do public' Neil was heard to say at the opening of 'Crap, crap and more farty arty crap' at the White Square Saatchi Athena Gallery. The Finnish Spectacle Movement is now planning to pay tribute to the long defunct and little known boy band 'Erasure Head'.
For years, speculation raged over the sexuality of the 'Boys'. Neil said 'We didn't want people to know we are straight. It would have been seen as a bad career move, so we put people off the scent by working with gay icons. Liza Minelli, Kylie Minogue, Ian McKellan, Dusty Springfield really helped deflect any ideas that we are straight. All the outfits we wore at the live shows were designed to keep people guessing and working with Derek Jarman was sheer genius! Chris wearing full black leather outfit including a cap just continued with the fake gay macho persona'
To this day, Chris remains tight lipped about his lifestyle choice, though he is known to hang out at the "Blackpool Home for Dyslexic Keyboard Players". A spokesman for the home said 'Chris is always popping in and showing us his organ. Some of our older residents love to get to grips with it and have a good play'.
Chris and Neil also love the internet, contributing to the many fan sites that celebrate their lives, though Neil finds it hard to stop boasting about his own collection of PSB collectables. 'I can't help myself. I'm always boasting about the latest cd's. I've even got an unopened CD-R of our 2011 release 'Techno' which we haven't even recorded yet!'
Chris also finds the internet a useful outlet for his overwhelming bubbling persona. 'I've got so much to say, time rarely allows me to saying everything in all the interviews I do'
Future projects include a musical about Dale Winton titled 'Trollied', which on the surface appears to be a lightweight cheesy show about life as a supermarket quiz show host but is actually a biting satire about a crack-head's life and her obesssion with the A-list celebrity. 'We saw Les Miserables and thought it was the greatest show ever written'. Neil adds, 'But we knew we could do better, what do the French know about musicals?! You know Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice met in a Pet Shop don't you?, so all the signs are there!'
The musical that followed "Further from Hell" was a world-wide smash garnering raves from critics. The show, which followed the lives of druggies and clubbers (of which PSB have little knowledge of) entertained and wooed audiences with a scene re-creating a 'Special K' trip. Chris said 'I had to eat forty boxes of Kellogs 'Special K' to get any effect before I could get a feel for the what the effect might be. The strongest drug I've ever tried was a Junior Disprin when I was 3, so it was quite a stretch to imagine what is was like'
Jack Stinker from the Daily Wail said 'It's the best thing to hit the West End stage since "Mousetrap the Musical" starring Tom and Jerry' and the show has been running (in the minds of Neil and Chris) ever since.
PSB (the) are often called in to save the careers of fading megastars. Neil came to Madonna's (for it is she) rescue by producing, writing, sampling, singing and designing the artwork for the multi-platinum hit 'Confessions of a Prance Whore'. Her Madgesty was said to be delighted by the results and thanked all her fans who bought the album by touring world-wide and only charging £1 a ticket. The tour sold out (in so many ways) in just over 14 months, beating the record set by Madonna's sister Kylie Minogue who sold out her tour (and career) in just over 13 months.
The Boys (for it is them) also remixed the single "Read My Behind" by the little known rap band "The Drillers" and the band has enjoyed international success ever since.
PSB (the) also rescued the career of the former superstar podgster Robot Williams. 'Robot's performance at our BBC Radio 2 show was fantastic!' said Neil. 'He even even changed the lyrics to Jealousy and made it an even better song. I'm a bit annoyed though. Radio 2 edited the song and made it sound like Robot knew all the words' he continued. Robot said "I love the The (the) Pet Shop Boys. I've bought both their albums. My favourite songs are 'Tainted Love' and 'Oh L'amour'". PSB (the) and Robot are said to be producing a classic dance floor, ballad, r'n'b epic. Robot said 'Neil and Andy defined the hip hop era and I can't wait to work with them." The album was finally released in October 2006 and contained just three tracks. 'We're the Pet Shop Boys', 'We're Pet Shop Boys the' and 'I'm not a Pet Shop Boy, just an lounge singer with a few issues checking into re-hab'.
[edit] Career Highlights
'Release' - "our fans wanted us to stop using guitars, so we produced "Release", a fabulous disco-stomping classic full of anthemic dance numbers." said Neil. "It sold really well, all things considered" said EMI spokesman Mr Notgotaclue.
'New York City Boy':(the)PSB (the) at their finest' said Janet Sleep Porthole. 'A career saving stroke of genius' said Melody Shaker.
"Dominios Pizza Dancing" - launched the PSB (the) into the stratosphere in the US. Sadly, they've not landed there since.
'The Tower of London gigs' - 'we thought we try and produce a show that sounded really crap and charge people lots of money to see it...and guess what, the suckers went for it!' said Neil laughing all the way to the bank.
[edit] Low points
'Being Boing' a terrible hi-energy trance epic. Got to number 83 in the charts and has not been heard of since.
'Left to My Own Crevices' - a dull as ditch water ballad about randy generals taking it up the arse.
'Funandmental' - 'EMI cut the budget for this album, so we completed it in a week and delivered it six months early using the unknown producer Trevor Trumpet. It's just Chris on his Bontempi and me singing a few songs I found in the bottom drawer.' says Neil. It's dedicated to the demise of the career of [Erasure], the Boys(the) favourite artists.
[edit] "Interesting" "Trivia"
Neil and Chris delight their fans every couple of decades with 'Illiterate' a fanzine packed with news and reports of what the Boys (the) get up to edited by world renowned tea-shop waitress Chris Hampstead-Heath. Chris authored the books 'Anally', 'I'm a fat, drug crazed Manic Depressive Boy Band Member' and 'PSB Come Over America'.
"We love our fans" says Neil. Without them, I'd still be working in that Pet Shop and Chris would still be the towel boy at the YMCA. (Chris is often seeing hanging around in the changing rooms at YMCA's around the world. "I like to remind myself of what I once was" said Chris offering a towel to a young and hung hunk struggling to squeez into his speedo.) Now we are multi-millionaires we like to say thank you by sending out a magazine packed with fascinating facts. Even I learn things about Chris I didn't know......."
The magazine is sent out to members three times a decade. "Quality control is very important" says Neil. "Every word is checked and rechecked for accuracy and spelling". " If you subscribe to 'Anally' for four decades, Neil will personally sign a postcard dedicated to your mum" said a spokesbody for Erasure.
"What our fans also learn about is the vast amount of charity work we do" said Neil modestly. "Most bands spend all their time arguing about hotel rooms and where to go for dinner, but we devote every minute we have to charity".
Before becoming a international playboy millionaire, Neil worked for the water-sports magazine 'Slash Hits'. 'The magazine was always taking the piss' says Neil. Some say Neil has been taking the piss ever since he become a 'pop' star.
[edit] Not so "Interesting" "Trivia"
PSB(the) are best friends with Eminem, whom they admire greatly. 'All our work since 1982 has been influenced by him'.
PSB (the) hate being called Pet Shop Boys. 'It's 'The Pet Shop Boys' said Neil. 'I've asked EMI a thousand times to put the the on the the, and they say they did, but the the fell off at the printers'
PSB (the) are good friends with the obese former television and newspaper executive Janet Sleep Pothead. 'What she did for tv is legendary' said Neil. 'Just think, there would be no Blue Peter without her influence' he continued. 'Yea when she edited the Beano, it was brilliant' said Chris. 'those Gnasher strips haven't been the same since she left' he moaned.
Chris is also a big fan of magic. 'Everything I do is an illusion' says Chris. 'People think I don't play the keyboards at our live gigs and they think it's all on tape, but I do! I got grade one in piano you know! We use invisible wires on my arms so they go up and down on the keyboards. You can't see them from the audience unless you are in the front row. Sometimes, I don't bother turning up though, so they use my double'.
Chris loves rugby. 'I love odd shaped balls' he squealed. He is a season ticket holder for Tottenham Cold Ham United who are currently bottom of the rugby 3rd division. Rumours that Chris takes it up the Arsenal have been strongly denied.
Neil and Chris are also known as the team that gave us Little Briton. In their spare time, they create comedy sketches written under the pseudonyms David Lucas and Matt Williams. (Walliams was already taken). 'We use lots of latex so no-one knows it is us!' Chris said. 'My favourite sketch is 'yea but no but yea'. I never tire of hearing it....in fact we are thinking about releasing a Little Briton charity record to raise money for the unfortunate people who live in Essex' Neil said.
Neil and Chris are also friends with Sean Neil. 'We give him all the gossip first - everything thing he says about us is absolutely true' Said Neil. Or was is Sean?
Hates:The Boys (the) are well known for their hatred of all things intellectual! 'We hate brain boxes!' says Chris. We just churn out pop songs you can tap your toes too. There is no meaning to any of our music!.
[edit] Even less interesting trivia
Slugs: The Boys (the) are very anti slugs. So much so, "It's a Sin" is a rabid attack of the slugs culture and was written for the cast of Grange Hill to sing in their war against slugs.
Champagne: The Boys (the) hate champagne. "Ribena for me" slurred Chris.
Modern Art: "Sam Taylor Who?" Chris was overheard saying at his local Athena poster shop.
Staircases: "Why can't someone design a decent staircase?" Chris mumbled as he tripped down the stairs at Armani last week
The "Mint Imperial" phase: Between 1987 and 1988, Neil Tennant ate a lot of mint imperials, so named this era the "Mint Imperial" phase. Tennant developed a dislike for these mints in 1988 and started to buy curiously strong mints from the Kings Road branch of Marks & Spencer. It was at this time that their career went down the dumper.
Other names Neil and Chris considered calling the band were "Plip Plop Boys (The)", "Skit Skat Boys (The)" and "Shit Shat Boys" (the)". However "Pet Shop Boys (the)" was chosen because it was thought the least likely name to be connected with any dubious sexual pratices.
Politics: The Boys (the the) don't do politics as their latest album 'Fumblemental' proves. "We don't do politics" said Neil from the VIP lounge at the Live 8 concert. However, their pro ID card stance has attracted the attention of a trainee journalist at the Ham and High as a kite Gazette and a two page article is expected soon.
"We think there should be ID cards for everyone" whispered Neil. "All these foreign spongers moving into Chelsea are a real pain. I went to the Post Office on the Kings Road the other day to buy a postal order so I could renew my subscription to Jackie Magazine and I couldn't move for asylum seekers getting lots of free money. It's a disgrace! People who have foreigners doing their cleaning should be thrown in prison....I must write a song about it soon" whined Neil.
The Boys (la or is it le?) were also members of the Conservative Party until recently. Neil droned "When the Tories won the election in 1997, it was really great. Unemployment went to its lowest point ever, inflation is under control and they spent lots of money on the arts. They gave those queers the equal age of consent, abolished Section 28 and gave them civil partnerships! They doubled the money spent on the NHS, introduced the minimum wage and gave kids a new deal. Museums are now free for everyone, and they gave Wales and Scotland their own Parliament. However thats not enough for me I want to support a party that actually will do something!" Neil is said to be toying with joining the Labour Party but is concerned about its stand on rights for spanish lesbian donkeys. "They don't appear to have a policy on that....so until they do, I'll vote for that lovely Mrs Cameron-Blair-Brown Campbell" said Neil from his multi-million pound Chelsea townhouse. "Where's the champagne?" Chris slurred when asked his opinion....
DOWNLOAD:
'I Get Along' 'Home and Dry' 'The Sound of the Atom splitting'
Avoid:
'Being Boring' 'West End Girls' 'It's A Sin'
[edit] Rumours
After the multi-million selling album 'Fumblemental', the next studio album was 'Disco Bore', a lively mixture of un-listenable versions of the number one hit single 'Integral'. Two copies were sold, both in the Kings Road Chelsea, but Neil denied that it was he who purchased them.
At the end of 2007, Neil and Chris announced they were to begin work on their new album. Titled 'Better Late than Never', it's expected to be released sometime before the next Millennium.
Following PSB's (the) work on the little known album "Polite Container", Neil and Chris and considering joining the 1890's sensation band 'Take Fat'. Chris was seen chatting to his half sister Gary Barge-Lowe at the Groucho Marx Club on Graham Dean Street in Soho suggesting new ideas for song titles including 'We're Not the Pet Shop Boys(the)', 'I Made My Excuses and Left When Robbie Williams walked in' and 'Robbie's not Intergral'. Rejected titles (though they seemed so good after a long night with their Columbian friend) said to include "We're Take That", "He's a Madonna with the big boobies" and cover versions of the little known songs "Rent", "Shopping" and "Jealously" by the neo-classical music orchestra Kraftwerk. When asked to confirm the rumour, a spokesman from Parlogroan said "Pet Shop who?, never heard of them".
PSB (the) have announced they are producing a new West End show called "Being Boing:Magic Roundabout the musical". The show springs to life in 2019 and is backed by Cameron Applemackintosh and Android Lloyd Webber. A 12 year long reality series titled 'Finding Zebedee: a boy with bounce' is set to start on ITV 6 next summer with all proceeds from the premium rate telephone lines going towards Chris's new outfit for the next tour, allegedly an orange "hoodie" as a tribute to all his fans on the "street"**
- The "street" is a long running TV reality show based in Madchester called "Coronation condensed milk Street" show yearly on BBC42 and repeated on ITV 11 an hour later.
It's been rumoured that Neil and Chris and due to be honoured by Her Majesty the Queen of Windsor and West Ilford this autumn. Alleged titles being considered include Lady Techno lip-synch of Chelsea and the Duchess Christine of Columbia. Rejected honours include an OBE for services for album delays and late arrivals and an MBE for services for choosing the wrong track to release as the first single from a new album.
However, Chris has said he'd rather wait until Prince William becomes King before he gets on his knees at the Palace to accept a thrusting from the Royal sword.
In July 2008, it was rumoured that their next album but three would be titled "Guy Hands-Knees and Whoopsidaisy" as a tribute to the world's greatest music businessman. Guy, the Chairman of IME Records said "I love pets....so having an album named after an animal is lovely" PSB were not available to confirm or deny the rumours but all is expected to be revealed in the next edition on "Anally" due out in 2013.
[edit] Things you will never hear Chris or Neil say......
- "'Being Boring' is the best record we ever made"
- "'Can I buy you a drink....?'"
- "Lets release the most commercial track from the album"
- "We're nearly as good as 'Erasure'.
[edit] Things you will hear Chris and Neil say all the time......
- "'Release' was our most successful album"
- "We love it when fans come up to us and ask for a photo"
- "We invented house/electro/rock/pop/schlop/hip hop music"
- "We hate Madonna AND Robbie (take that) Williams
- "'Go West' was a great career move"
[edit] Thrashography
- "Fundamental bilingual release: Very introspective nightlife behaviour, Potemkin... Battleship, concrete actually, Disco I II II and maybe IV Please!" (1013)
- Poop Fart (1014)
- Poop Fart 2 (1015)
- Poop Fart 3(1016) Budget version
- "The Really Really Gay Album" (1337)
