Pete Doherty
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“Jennifer Lopez gets called J-Lo as a nickname she made for herself, so now I'm doing the same. From now on you can call me P-Do. All my fans are P-Do-philes.”
- ~ Pete Doherty on nicknames
“Who? Oh yeah that guy.”
- ~ Pete Doherty on Himself (Furthermore, on Crack)
Pete Doherty is the patron saint of the NME, and the questionable reincarnation of Jesus. He was also the lead singer in cult British band The Libertines. Since his death his songwriting skills have dropped somewhat, but this has not stopped Doherty from posthumously releasing an album under the name Babyshambles, a band who, one time, ground-breakingly managed to turn up to one of their tour dates. Doherty's elder brother and co-frontman of The Libertines, Karl Marx, with whom Pete enjoyed a exhilarating sex life, has also formed a band since the death of Doherty, called Dirty Ugly Fuckers. They may or may not be on tour or making a new album.
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[edit] The Early Years
Pete Doherty was born to a very concerned middle class woman who has a flair for bohemia and heartbreaking maternal concern. Little did she know that through her son's "antics" she'd find ample use for her talents. Pete Doherty had a dad, but then didn't. For years many Neo-Conservatives have used this as an example of how the lack of a firm patriarch in the household can lead to excessive poetry and absinthe intake. If only we'd listened! Pete Doherty is also firm evidence for Baudrillard's concept of the Simulacra (i.e. he's the result of so many copies of the decadent poet that we are no longer sure what he is). His primary school teacher, one Mrs. Beecham, remarked, "Even then he was something of an enigma. He was such a conflation of different leading romantic poets and beatnicks that I began to question the very integrity of his existence and promptly kicked him out. We all decided Eton's a much better place for pretentious and insubstantial up-starts". Mrs. Beecham, we salute you!
[edit] London
Upon reaching London, Pete had become an accomplished musician and songwriter, if we assume all musicians are flids and all songwriters are in comas, which was a direct consequence of listening to a Milli Vanilli cassette he got for 25p in Help the Aged on Colchester High Street. He also bought a wooden Early Learning Centre 'basic shapes' jigsaw for £1.00. Sadly, he didn't have the mental capacity to complete it.
Pete settled himself in Dalston, living in a West African illegal meats shop. Although Pete isn't black, he convinced himself that he was, in fact, Ola Babatunde from Lagos. Thankfully, resident superhero Johnny Borrell found and saved Pete from a life of colourful shoes. They soon fell in love and decided to share a flat in the heart of Shoreditch, home of The Shoreditch Twat® and various rapists.
Despite their obvious lack of musical talent, Pete and Johnny decided to form a band. The Libertines were born after Pete wrote his wondrous ode to London life, 'I Love London, Me':
London is great, I like it
there's black people and stuff,
but no gruel, which makes me sad,
so I take crack instead, which is alright
although I'd prefer gruel, which is a bit
like porridge, only grey, like Johnny's
undercarriage.
[edit] The Libertines and NME
Pete and Johnny soon became aware that regardless of their love for one another, the two of them could not make it as a band alone. They recruited a guitarist, who looked a bit French, and a drummer, who wasn't very good but was very black, and was about 69. Doherty thought this was "fucking great", because he "fucking loves black people, because they're a bit like monkeys."[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] This latter part turned out to not be the case as Dr James Watson, the nobel prize winning scientist that crack DNA coding, recently confirmed: "Black people are not as intelligent as us cracker-asses and thus they cannot possess rythmn and timing that a drummer would need"
Donning themselves in bright-red military jackets, The Libertines took it upon themselves to craft music solely for the NME. This worked beautifully, as their first album attracted the attention of the Class A cunt and NME editor Conor McNicholas. This was the start of a beautiful relationship, despite the NME only being attracted to the shiny gold buttons of their military jackets. Soon after grabbing the NME by the 'nads, Borrell left The Libertines because he had "issues with the black one" Doherty was heartbroken for about six seconds, but only because Borrell took the band's stash of gruel with him. He then found some more gruel and snogged the French one in front of an NME photographer approximately 78 times.
[edit] Drugs
As 'I Love London, Me' indicates, Doherty was no stranger to drugs. His experimentation with them stemmed from his serious gruel addiction (the effects of which are likened to LSD). The NME found his junkie nature most attractive, offering to devote 50% of all their content to him. Foolishly, Doherty turned this offer down, as no gruel was offered.
[edit] Crack
Pete's favourite drug is crack, not so much for its quick and powerful highs, but more for its relative cheapness. Pete's crack habit soon lead to him being kicked-out of his band by the Frenchie and the black one, because "It's made his face a bit weird. He looks scummy and smells funny now" It is also a little known fact that Pete was the first man to discover crack, inside his own poo of all places - after a night of heavy snorting, the substance solidified in his bowles, it made its exit several days later, via the anus. In a dazed state, Pete mistook the substance for cannabis but after smoking the substance, he described it as "too good to be cannabis". Pete continued to create this substance as he seen it as "an excellent form of recycling" he then finally named the substance "crack cocaine" he thought this was a fitting name due to how the substance made its exit from his body.
[edit] Turtle Washing
Doherty is also a fan of turtle washing. This has got him into trouble before, forcing him to be involved with gangsters, illicit turtle handlers who had set up turtle sanctuaries for endangered turtles and even Radio 4.
[edit] The Rebirth of Doherty
Doherty was thrown out of The Libertines by the the French one some time in about 2004. Doherty took his ejection from the band badly. He hibernated in a cardboard box onTottenham Court Road for many months, kept alive only with crack, Suspicious substances and Starbucks sandwiches. All of which were generously donated by the NME. During his time in a cardboard box, Pete and supermodel/professional cocaine addict Kate Moss began their relationship. Apart from their shared love of Class A drugs, they also share interests in stupidly fucking tight jeans, shit hats and greasy hair.
He emerged in the world of music once again, stinking of piss with big ideas for a new band. He elected to call them Babyshambles, in honour of Babycham – his favourite drink – and the state of his life. He also did some solo work with Wolfman, who is a smelly tramp with a coat. Unfortunately, Doherty failed to create the multicultural bliss he had achieved with The Libertines. Luckily this didn't dismay his best friends, the NME, who supplied Doherty and co. with crap suits, straw trilbies, and every available inch of their publication.
[edit] Second Coming Rumors
People have stated in recent years that his rebirth means that he is infact the second coming of Jesus; because like Pete, Jesus obviously was drug addled and hated by the tabloids at the time. Also despite being ugly like Doherty, Jesus also managed to pull a ridiculously fit bird. Back to the point, Dohertys obvious talent means that he is in fact Jesus and should either be crucified (to cement him as a rock legend) or given a parade
[edit] Kate Moss
Pete Doherty and Kate Moss have become synonymous with the term "two cunts who get too much attention." Their evident love for each other, depicted regularly in tabloids and shitrags (see NME), is displayed through punch-ups, sharing needles and picking nits from each other's hair. Doherty's powerful and meaningful sonnet about Kate, "I'm Shagging Kate Moss", shows just how deeply in love they really are. Here is an excerpt:
I'm shagging that bird,
Kate Moss, you might've seen
her in Rimmel adverts not
giving a toss,
Rimmel make-up is a bit crap,
but that doesn't stop me
from drinking a bitter,
streets full of litter,
the murk of the shitter,
snorting and cavorting,
reporters reporting,
ha,ha, smack toy,
Moss just spat,
on the old boy.
[edit] See also
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