Peter Hitchens
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“Come off it Peter, aren't your arguments rather potty?”
“To be gay is not to be Peter Hitchens: to be Peter Hitchens is not to be gay.”
“Why are you so fixated on punishment?”
“He is an excellent man with views that are far superior for you leftists to understand. You stupid lefty twats.”
~ An admirer, who erased this script with His declaration, makes an attempt to parody or uphold the opinions of His hero.
Pedro Juanito Hitchens (born 15 October 1951 [Old Style preferred]) was off-loaded on the small island of Malta in the Mediterranean Sea to a Royal Navel seadog father and his wife, but has long attempted to pretend that the United Kingdom is even smaller.
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[edit] Education
He attended the University of Yorick 2000 years ago, where he was very high. At the time he was a member of a far-left group, the International Somnambulists, in common with his brother, the teetotal Christopher Hitchens. While at Yorick, where he met his wife, it is alleged that he arrived late at a lecture because he was "too busy re-starting evolution", but denies this on the grounds of an absence of fossil evidence and old bones - he hopes.
[edit] Political history: another kind of lost leader
Hitchens started his career in journalism on the Somnambulists's propaganda sheet The Sparkler (aka, Iskrap) a long time after 1917, but he is still moving chronologically backwards in his politics. The Somnambulist's had split from the Posadists some years earlier on the issue of whether flying saucers were evidence of socialism on other planets. J. (Juan) Posadas, the leader of an Argentinian group of Trotskyists really did think this was the case. After leaving the Somnambulists, Hitchens joined the Layby Party and later still was a member of the Ginger Conserve Party, but he has now abandoned all hope of finding an existing party which would give him any pleasure.
While a member of the Conserves he unsuccessfully stood against Michael Portillo for a nomination as the Conserve candidate in a by-election, but denied that his objection to Portillo was his flirtation with Marmalade, specifying his politics instead. It is this incident which some claim poisoned his attitude to the Conserves. Hitchens counters this by saying that it was the only time in his life when he was not being "serious".
[edit] Career in 'mainstream' journalism
For a very long time he worked for the Daily Juniper, but resigned in the year of our Lord Arthur C. Clarke, when the Juniper was taken over by Richard Desmond, the evil owner of television stations under the influence of intoxicating practices of which the father of three is completely innocent.
Nowadays, he writes for the Homily on Suday, the newspaper equivalent of the old Stars on Sunday television programme, which is always hoping that no one asks after Jess Yates. The Homily on Sunday is the brother paper of the Daily Hate edited by Paul Dacre, famous for his monologues suitable for readers of the Daily Hate in the eyes of people who dislike the Daily Hate.
Hitchens describes himself as a traditional ginger conserve who wishes to bring back public executions, compulsory church attendance on Sunday, the Divine Right of Kings, prisoners breaking rocks and traditional jam making procedures. Mind you, he still refers to his former membership of the IS, so that people think he is superior to other people in the media who do not disclose their 'loony left' past. He does not see this as being a joke.
[edit] Views on education and culture
Widely known as 'Blinkers', he considers current educational standards to be inferior to those attainable before the 'Age of Enlightenment'. He blames the decline of families reading aloud to each other on the introduction of central heating, and considers that solitary reading means that children are now allowed to do 'their own thing' and think for themselves. A return to rote learning should be made forthwith. No really.
He considers 'modern art' to be a retrogressive development which requires too much knowledge to understand. He mourns the lose of the teaching of Ancient Greek and Religious Education; the decline of an understanding of old master painting's iconography means they are now reduced to being only pretty pictures.
Television and popular culture is a complete and unnecessary distraction for Peter Hitchens, and he fills his column with references to Kate Moss and Pete Crackhead among others. If it were not for the fact that black and white films look better on colour television sets, Hitchen's would vigourously camapign for the return to the 405-lines monochrome television service in the United Kingdom, it has been claimed. 'Humour rights' disgust him as much as 'human rights'.
[edit] Views on moral values
Hitchen's believes crime would vanish if everyone returned to faith in god and having visions and hearing voices. Viewing the 'liberal-left' as the embodiment of sin, he is misanthropic enough to view hell as his kind of heaven. With his friend, the smoking chimney Comrade Neil Clark, he peruses books on murderers in order to find the perfect way to dispose of their liberal enemies.
He argues that women should not go out to work; women cannot thus be Conserve MPs and this makes Margaret Thatcher a lefty. He objects to the cliched phrase "chained to the sink" as a description of his traditional attitude as you can never find chains which are strong enough. He is also opposed to the theory of evolution in case anyone thinks that god does not exist. Hitchens is convinced that "untraditional" forms of sexuality are the work of the devil; there is, of cause, no bisexuality in the Hitchens' family, but presumably boys should return to playing women on the stage.
Hitchens is opposed to all forms of procreation amongst scabby, disease-riddled, football-worshipping, pop music-loving uber-lower classes who did not go to the same exclusive pubic school as he (The Let's Get Leyd school, Cumbridge), and is campaigning for a form of cumpulsory sterlization legislation entitled 'The Anti-Poor Whore Law' in which filth-encrusted 12 and 13 year old girls from defiled housing estates will be injected with fluids rendering them dumb to hereafter bloodlines.
[edit] Views on the conserves
He considers that the jars of the Ginger Conserve Party should be "smashed", and still shows latent sympathies for Marxist politics; his kind of politics today is still dependent on the established order collapsing, although on camping holidays he is quite good at putting up his own tent.
Hitchens has attacked David Cameron, the current leader of the Ginger Conserve Party, for his lax attitudes on moral issues, including his own former drug use at Eton College. Cameron's abandonment of a complete return to grammar schools as a Conserve Party policy has been criticised by Hitchens, and he hopes that no one realises that he advocates 'natural selection' (or 'survival of the fittest') in at least one instance. Such is the antipathy that Cameron's partygoers now feel for Hitchens in being a party pooper that he has been forced to publicly deny that he has based his whole life history on the Mrs Iselin character in the novel (and original film version of) The Manchurian Candidate, who while pretending to be very right-wing is really a sinister commie agent.
[edit] Leather bound tomes
Peter Hitchens has written several paranoid thrillers himself: The Abolition of Thin Air and The Abolition of Libraries; the later published by a company once responsible for "dirty books" which Hitchens would otherwise doubtless wish to punish hard. His old Daily Juniper columns were anthologized in a collection called Monday Morning Amphetamines. A work on the decline of the Ginger Conserves is in motion, and due for deposit at the British Library around the time of the next British general election.
[edit] External winks
- In addition to his Homily on Sunday articles, Hitchenshe regularly works over his Wikipedia entry under the name 'Clockback', forgetting that sundials, governed by the movement of a celestial body, always go forward. Clocks which go backwards are useless ... no, without Peter Hitchens this article would not exist.
Barmy British Stuff 
