Spider-Man
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While there are many debates about Spider-Man, experts agree on the following facts:
- His name is Peter Parker.
- He squirts heavy webs.
- He gets very long periods.
- Does whatever a spider can, apparently.
- He apparently has no friends since he is seen with only a few ammount of people, making him "the lone spider".
“Hang on a minute. That's bollocks isn't it? Does he eat flies: No. Does he get eaten by his female mate after having sex : No. I don't think they've thought it through have they..”
- Spider-man was once cloned. However this came to a quick resolution when he beat his clone to death after catching him in bed with his girlfriend (who he later found out was actually just a clone of his girlfriend.)
- A comic was made about him
- Spider-man's Aunt May also has superpowers which allow her to die every few years and then return.
- Spider-man holds the Championship belt in the Break dancing like a white boy annual competition.
- Has radioactive blood.
- Dislikes Mary Jane, apparently.
Contents |
[edit] Attacks & Powers:
- MIND CRUSH!!!
- Tail whip
- Spider-sense
- Webshot
- Binding Web
- Swinging Web
- More Web
- Making hammocks
- The world wide web
- Tracking Device/ Webcam
- Merriam-Webster
- String shot
- Cracking wiseass remarks
- Mood Swings
- Webbed Feet
- Spinning Web
- Cocoon Shield
- Injecting 'Venom'- if you know what i mean...
- Funnel-Web
- Websters dictionary
- Going to every house and putting webs on the corner where the wall and the ceiling meets
- Cancer giving via "Radioactive Cud" i.e. "Is he tough, listen bud, he's got..."
Not much is known about the tune to this ancient worship hymn, sang often in churches today, however the original words are thought to be as followed:
[edit] Origin
Spider-Man was created when scientist/babbling psycho Stan Lee was sent up in space with his pet Spider, Bob, and encountered evil space rays. Stan Lee was killed in the malfunctioning of the ship and the resultant crash, but his spider survived. This spider went on to be hunted down like a dog for killing Stan Lee. Peter Parker, his worst enemy, was the leader of this angry mob, and just before the spider died, he bit Peter, just out of spite. Peter gained fancy powers, like having tiny tiny hair all over his hands. Going mad with power, he murdered his Uncle Ben. Before Uncle Ben died, he said one last thing to Peter, "With great power, comes great douchebagginess." With this, Peter learned the error of his ways, got some spandex, became Spider-Man, and went on to have a lot of contradicting adventures.
[edit] Venom
Later on, a fairly malicious piece of what appeared to be tar-stained mucus fell from outer space, and got a crush on Spider-Man. When it asked Spider-Man out, he reluctantly agreed, and took it on a few dates out of pure pity. Eventually, Spider-Man and his writers drew weary of being in a relationship, so he broke up with the sentient snot at a KISS concert in a bell tower. The unendinly alone and isolated goo had but one person to turn to: Gene Simmons. To get back at his ex, the goo bonded with Gene, who also hate Spider-Man for entirely different reasons.
Spider-Man, enjoying life back in his bachelor pad, was attacked multiple times by a strange black man, who was first mistaken for Samuel L. Jackson, but turned out to be Gene Simmons, who called himself Venom, because he was on cocaine at the time. He used his extra long tongue to make innuendo jokes, until brutally murdered by Spider-Man, on par with other Spider-Man villains.
[edit] Spiderman's relation ship with the ladies (*oooooooh*)
Spider-Man once couldn't bag a chicken in his early years, however, he eventually began dating a few of them, and marrying one: a Mary J. Blige, who refers to him as "Tiger", despite his Spider gimmicks. He grabs her boobs regularly, in night and in public. He was recently photographed sucking on her breasts. She commented that she was going to get surgery to changed her B's into Z's. Before being bit by a spider, Peter was a loser that only seemed to have one friend Harry (who just really hung around with him to get answers for tests and assignments). Harry eventually explained to Peter that he was really a woman (which would explain why he is in this section on the page)
[edit] Stage and Screen
Spider-man has been portrayed by Tobey Maguire in the film Spider-man Forever and by Adam West in the stage musical "Little Shop of Spider-horrors".
Spider-man was the star of many saturday morning cartoon shows, the most famous being, Spider-man and his Amazing Friends.He was also in the lesser known show 'Spiderman bangs your Daddy'.
Dick Cheney played the Green Gobblestick in "Spiderman 3.14, the Return of Nerdiness"
Spider-man also had a Japanese live-action series in 1978 in which he piloted a giant robot known as 'GIANT ROBO-WEB-ERUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!' in order to fight against mentally ill villians. The robot was done because of the Japanese [Anti-Robot-Descrimination Law] , which stated that anything brought to Japan must involve giant robots in some way or form after complaints by PETA.
Spider-man once convinced Orlando Bloom to get a sex change and play as Jennifer Lopez in Herbie, which he did, although he wrote down D for breast size when actually it was a B.
Spider-man is infected by emo venom. WTF? It should be big and scary and black, like an African, not weak and self obsessed. Also his web dispensers may not work if they are all scarred.
[edit] Comic
[edit] The Death of Spider-man
Sick and tired of the blasted half man half spider, animal hate group PETA decide to take action. They hire the famous booby-hunter Samuel Jackson. Unable to kill the annoying insect, Samuel Jackson contacts Saddam Hussein, who recommends the use of fart gas. Unfortunately due to the trade federation blockade of planet beans, tacos, and other fart-educing stuff no farts are available.
Samuel Jackson, being the BAD girl he is, decides to go to a convenience store and buy some insecticide, which, incredibly, does wonders.
Naturally the usual Deadly Foes of Spiderman wonder why they never thought about this before themselves, though Hugh Grant confesses that at some point he considered building a huge fly swatter, but then remembered that spiders and flys are different species, so he gave up and went to England to participate in "Four Weddings And A Funeral in Under A Minute", thus breaking the world record for such an event.
Spiderman died holding what he loved most, MJ's breasts.
[edit] See also
| |
| Superheroes and heroines | Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk - Black Cat - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - Iron Man - The Punisher - Conan the Barbarian - Ghost Rider - Igloo - The other Captain Marvel |
| Supervillains | Venom - Dr. Doom - Emperor Galactus of the World and Universe - Juggernaut - Mecha-Dracula - Rob Liefeld - Batroc - Kool-Aid Man - Loki - Fred Phelps - Venom - Dr. Octopus |
| X-Men | Professor X - Apocyclopse - Gene Grey - Beast - Wolverine - Bishop - Cable the Larry Guy |
| Salacious Six | Sr. Tentacles - The Grand Mysterious R2-D2 Recolor - The Wang - Steve Irwin - Sabertooth |
| Other teams | The Revengers - The Fantastic Four - The Omnipotent Seven |
