Heroes (TV Series)

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Heroes (TV series).

“This looks like fun!!”

~ Enthusiastic viewer seconds before show starts

“This programme is dull...”

~ Bored viewer seconds into show

“Boy oh boy!!! That was awesome!!”

~ Viewer with wet and sticky pants

“In Soviet Russia, Cheerleader, World save You!”

~ Russian Reversal on Heroes

Heroes is a multiple Nobel Prize-award winning 2006 Reality TV game show produced in the USA. In the show, teams of mutants are given a series of random tasks to complete in order to win cash and other prizes. Although rating highly on NBC, it was put on hiatus due to scandals involving the judging process. A consultant has been brought in for the second half of the season to help resolve cheating via manipulation of timelines.

Heroes is the creation of TV producing legend Tim Kring, who was originally known as The Shredder, the big bad boss of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. One night, Tim was watching several Marvel motion pictures whilst listening to emotional music. Tim had an epiphany : what if he were to combine the entire X-Men universe with the raw human emotion of The Cure? Thus Heroes' was born.

[edit] Concept

In the season finale, Peter Petrelli wonders if he left the oven on in his apartment.

Each of the teams on Heroes is composed of two individuals who have some type of relationship with each other. The teams represent a wide demographic of idiots, totally incompetent morons and politicians. Relationships include: Just Good Friends, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Husband/Ho, Dom/Sub and Multiple Personality Disorder. Team mates must complete their tasks together, alone, with other team mates, or not at all. If any of the teammates are unable to complete their tasks due to injury, death, or failed contract negotiations, then tough luck to them, buddy.

The show is hosted by Mohinder Suresh, who provides a 15 minute monologue at the beginning of each episode, and ends each episode with an Orko™ Brand Morality-monologue. In the first season, Suresh had two co-hosts, Eden McCain and Sylar McMadbastard, however due to behind-the-scenes conflicts between the two, Eden McCain was fired at. Sylar McMadbastard is currently under negotiations to return to the series, once certain dietary concerns have been allayed. Rumours that Sylar McMadbastard is a zombie have been rebuffed by the network with cries of "Bullshit!" and "Er... possibly not..."

[edit] Plot

The show revolves around the lives of twelve different people, but much like Lost continues to add new characters each episode. The major characters are all connected at different levels of tangibility and cheese. Even though the title of the show is Heroes, approximately none of these main characters have used their powers for anything other than personal gain.

Each episode contains several plot twists. These plot twists are primarily responsible for linking the characters together and also frustrating conspiracy theorists on forums. A graphical representation of the plotline of Heroes would be akin to the artwork of a 7-year old with genetic anomalies.

It was speculated that at the end of the season, the major characters would all come together (via several more plot twists) to stop the show's protagonist - Peter - from asplodeing, but they couldn't even do that right. Many people ask the question, "If Peter can fly, why the hell didn't he just use his own powers to get away from New York rather than sacrifice his brother?" The answer to this question is that without sufficient emotional stress, Peter would have very little to whine about. It's also a whimsical way of removing the best actor from the show.

[edit] Teams

Names	Occupation	Superpower(s)	Relationship
Claire Mr. Bennet	Emo, Cheerleader! Hurrah! Legitimate Businessman	Spontaneous whining Creepy	Disturbing
Simone Mystery Sock	Enabler Pretentious bastard	Subtle acting I can SEE the FUTURE, MAN with a cunt!	"Complicated" (over)
D.L. Micah	Numberplate Manufacturer Child	Playa Protowesley	Father & Son (Like that Cat Stevens song! Cool!)
Hiro Ando	Japanese Guy Japanese Guy's Friend	Knows every X-Man Knows every Jenna Jameson movie	Hero and Sidekick
~~[[Alias\|Eric/Cheno Moreno look-a-like]]~~Matt Janice	Loser Ho	The Ability to forgive infidelity Ho	Husband Ho
Nathan Peter	Politician Emo kid	Flies with the power of hot air Optimism. Dork.	Italian brothers.
Niki Jessica	Internet entrepreneur Psycho	Drains wallets Flips out and kills people	One lives in the other's brain!!!

[edit] Characters

Andrew : The AC himself!
Peter Petrelli : The show's protagonist. Tim Kring, the show's creator, chose to focus the show on Peter as he is the most Emo of them all and therefore the most relevant character to popular society. His fringe, his career path, his sidebangs, his 'I only speak out of this side of my mouth because I am conflicted' speak, his saviour complex and his constant jumping off of tall buildings, make him particularly relevant to the growing emo culture, and therefore extremely marketable to Myspace users worldwide. In reality, like most emos, Peter is unable to be original and must copy and absorb the powers of people who are significantly cooler than him. For instance, after absorbing Claire's ability to regenerate, he gains the ultimate emo power: the ability to slit open his arteries without dying. His showdown with SYLAR is currently booked to headline the next UFC pay-per-view. He explodes and then cuts everybody's tongues out so that they can't call him a whore.

Mr muggles: He may look cute but hes evil don't take my word for it even the heroes wiki says it see Theory:Mr muggles.

Waffles: a race of food while they are evil in the series. the fact that they normally appear in heroes is becuase its propaganda for passive invasion of evil mind-altering.

Nathan Petrelli: Unlike Peter, he gets into many situations that have resulted in the majority of the show's major plot developments. The Senator has been involved with his wife and also Jessica Sanders. His goons have also had significant involvement in the creation of Claire Bennet. Oh, and Nathan Petrelli can fly. Or something.

SuperHiro(pure ownage) : A Japanese Otaku with a strong interest in the fine arts, including 17th century Baroque art and the works of Isaac Mendes. His time manipulating abilities, his ability to pick up women with brain tumors, and the fact that he is the son of Sulu make him a hero to his target audience. Hiro has most notably used his time-travelling ability to accelerate time around his chin area in order to grow far more facial hair than the average japanese man. As well as being able to manipulate the time-space continuum, Hiro is now able to drive and speak English. This makes him superior among his extended family.
YATTA!

Claire Rimmed-Glasses-Petrelli : While the majority of the superpowers make little sense in regards to the science of genetics, and would in-fact prove to be no benefit to society, the cheerleader's ability to unconciously heal from any injury would be of great benefit to humanity. While it would be potentially beneficial to multiply the effects of her power with several of the show's prime male specimens, she was created by Mr Linderman, and so is related to all of the other major characters. (On a side note, her mother is a typical fire-starting-money-grabbing-black-mailing-bitch-whore). Like Peter Petrelli, the character was created to draw in Myspace users, C.R.G. was created to draw in intelligent, discerning males and young women who appreciate a strong female lead. Both of these groups have responded positively to C.R.G. This has lead to the development of another superpower - her ability to appear on every episode. She is often referred to affectionately as "Jailbait" by the show's male characters (she currently rates #2 in the Paedophiles hot or not list 20 votes behind debbie harry). Played by pro wreslter AJ Styles, but AJ is so nice, he allows some blonde from New York take the credit.

Horned Rimmed-Glasses Guy : Evil CEO of a Paper Company and father-of-the-year candidate. He is often accosted by hoodlums who accuse him of being a secret agent for a government agency, simply because he wears Communist glasses. Horny is a loving father who takes good care of his daughter Claire. He is indifferent to his effeminte son. Horny is however in possession of an extremely useful tool known only as a Haitian. When someone questions him, Horny pulls out his Haitian and applies it forcefully to the forehead region. He later turned away from the dark side, but still has to be reminded that shooting children is wrong. One running joke is that everyone calls him Noah, but his first name is actually Mister.

Mystery Sock: The son of famous revolutionary Che Guevara. Mystery Sock is not truly gifted like the others. Like most people when they take copius amounts of drugs, Sock sees lots of pretty colours. He is different from most of the people who take those drugs, as he is able to paint. While many believe that he is able to paint the future, this is in-fact completely untrue. One does not need superpowers to predict Cheerleaders being killed, Emos jumping off of buildings and New York City being blown up by method of nuclear warfare. In fact, all he can really do is paint exactly what's happening as you talk...and then burn it because he's high. He did however do us all a favour and shoot Simone. He later died when a sex game with SYLAR involving being nailed to the floor with paintbrushes got a bit rough. A recurring gag in the series is for characters to mispronounce his name as "eye-zak". When battling would often freak people out by painting himself saying something,then actually saying. Then beating the shit out of them.

Nikessica Sanders : A zombie with super-human strength, Jessica has merged with her weak sister Niki. While appearing to be evil, Jessica, unlike her sister, gets the job done. While Niki's husband Delray Hawkins is trying to get his wife back, many believe that he should just face facts and go with the one who is hotter in the sack. Unlike the deadbeat husband, Jessica actually makes money for the family. She beat up the police, killed a bunch of gang members, took a tazer to a psychiatrist, slept with a congressional candidate and shot at her husband. If Heroes was a British gangsta comedy film, Jessica would be the hero. Keep that in mind.

Delray Hawkins : Niki's husband and Micah's father. Delray has a rich heritage, as he is the child of the Non-consented sexual intercourse between legendary adveturer Jim Hawkins and his captain Long John Silver. Delray is an African-American Ex-Con who is trying to make a better life for his talented son, and really, has no other motivations to differentiate him from any other Ex-Con who is trying to make a better life for his talented son. Delray is a phaser who has used his powers to break out of prison, assault his wife, and break-and-enter. This turn-around from the criminal he used to be has been a great influence on his son, Micah, who has recently begun robbing ATM machines. Not even Doom Music could stop his death.

Micah - The child of Nikessica Sanders and Delray Hawkins. A reincarnation of the Biblical prophet. He is extremely talented as he is the only person in the world who can make Vista work properly. He is extremely easily influenced, as when with his mother he is a polite, discerning child. But when with his father he begins to resort to using his powers of "wire fraud" to rob ATM machines. He also has the ability to convey all the improbability of any of these powers actually occuring, seeing as evolution, if correct, takes millions of years to process, and computer technology has only existed for a couple of decades.

Apu Nahasapemamaneptilon (Gandhi II) - An indian professor and former taxi-driver and call-center worker. Apu is trying to achieve World peace by eradicating all of the Supa Heroes. While he assumes the identity of a kindly missionary to the people struggling with their powers, he is infact working with Sylar. Sylar is assisting Tom Cruise and Ron L Hubbard in his effort to convert the world to Evolutionary Buddhism, on the condition that he becomes its Saviour. While many believe that G2 is actually being tricked by Sylar, Sylar isn't fooling anyone with this Zane bullshit, and G2 just uses him merely for sex (G2 later turns out to be a supervillain fetish). Despite being Indian, Apu has difficulty speaking with an Indian accent. He sounds like the love child of Tony Blair and Shilpa Poppadom.... maybe there's some Zane in there too. There is evidence to suggest that he is actually "Science Boy"- the superhero created by Ross Gellar. This proves that he does indeed have a power- "a superhuman thirst for knowledge".

Matt Pacman - Pacman's twin brother. He works for the police force and is married to a whore. He is not Telepathic, rather, he is able to intercept future episode scripts and read them prior to shooting. While his wife's thoughts have not been scripted yet, the fact that she has cheated on him and is a little tubby would mean that sex and ice-cream are going to do it for her regardless.

SiMOAN - The first of the villains to be killed off. While many believed her to simply be a whore who couldn't decide between Peter and M Sock, she was in possession of her own super-power: the power to annoy. Her death was widely celebrated. Since Peter's ability to copy is triggered by thoughts of the person, and so it is more than likely that Peter will lose any remaining annoying traits now that SiMOAN is dead.

Sylar - Crazed super-villian bent on world domination. Formerly a clock repairman (which is the lamest job in the world), he has the power to draw cuts into people's head so that he doesn't have to slit his wrists. In addition he can pretend to be Iceman and takes steroids made from the brains he feasts on at night as a zombie. He has also tried to collect Claire on several occasions, such as the high school homecoming game, where he accidentally rapes and kills the wrong girl (though nobody really cares, as she was hottie anyways). In recent episodes he has disguised himself as an emo drag queen named "Zane". He meets Indian Dude at a homosexual bar where they converse, and later rendezvous at back at G2's apartment (the scene ends there, but we all know what happens next). He is also known for his winning of the "SCARIEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE" award.

Sandy Rimmed-Glasses - Horny's wife. Has a tendency to sudden headaches and blackouts, no doubt in a pathetic plea for attention. Due to her husband's dull nature, she develops a disturbing attachment to her dog, Mr. Fuckles.

Haitian - A retarded person from the unknown country of Haiti, who seems to make other people retarded, like himself. As time passes, he seems to have gained the ability to talk, gradually increasing his I.Q. from below 50 to above 70. He has raped you many times, but you can't remember it. Excluded himself in the fight against sylar, because WHERES THE FUN IN WATCHING THE SHOW ANYMORE!

Teddy Sprague - A North Korean linked psychopath hiding in America under the guise of some pussy white guy who keeps crying over his wife, who died of a combination of Herpes, AIDS and marrying an Arab. Like most Middle-Easterners, Teddy has the power to blow up absolutely everything.

The Invisible Man - A (gasp) invisible man and possibly the only true ‘hero’ character in the series; he is often seen to beat emoes and push them off buildings (as most of them are too balless to actually do so themselves). In a later episode, it is revealed that this is something of an apology to the world; during his period of working for Thompson’s emo-exterminating company, he was found to have been hiding an emo. After turning invisible and hiding from the world in shame for several years (he killed time by feeling up random women and stealing their purses, though he denied this was because he needed the tampons-yeah, whatever), he decided to take revenge on the emoes for bringing him such shame, and swore an oath against them that extended to never again touching a razor blade, an object strongly connected with emoes; this is demonstrated by his classic ‘drunken tramp’ style of beard. He spent a brief period trying to teach Peter how to be un-emo, but gave up on him after the trail of wrist-blood Peter left behind led Thompson and his cronies straight to him. After leaving the show, he continued his travels through time under the guise of "The Doctor", even though he has no medical training whatsoever. He spends his time fighting giant pepper pots and people with prosthetic limbs with a girl who looks suspciously like Clair.

Ando-Kun - This is SuperHiro's helper. He goes on an epic journey but gets screwed up by SuperHiro because of a transsexual chick. There are some casino chips involved and Ando-Kun wants to fly back to Japan with a sword so that he can nail SuperHiro's sister Nintendo.

Thompson - Jack Thompson's somewhat less evil twin. Runs some random paper company that was shut down after it was discovered that the paper they produced was too sharp at the edges, and was causing deadly papercuts. He then began making an income from castrating freaks with the paper instead. He is later pwned by Horny, beginning the long-overdue extermination of the Thompson family.

The Irish People - From Co. Cork. They are obsessed with iPods,as that is their only source of food. They also are not really from Cork,as shown by their accents. (Have you ever met a Corkman you could understand?). They do not know Bono. They are not stereotypical at all, despite them wearing clothes with Irish flags, Living in a pub,getting into fights and supporting Celtic. If they were stereotypes they would rob people too....oh wait...

George Bush - Bush is one of the main characters in Heroes. During the episode "Cool Guy Discovers Talent", Bush discovered an extraordinary ability to grow brains simultaneously. He used his brains to kill Osama Bin-Laden in the end of season 1. Bush died later on, killed by Sylar so that he could feast on multiple brains, but later rebirthed again as Jesus gave him supper. Bush read the Da Vinci Code to regain his long lost powers again.

OmegaFuture SuperdidooperHiro - A badass version of SuperHiro from a shitty future. He unfortunately turned emo after Ando-Kun died but found happiness with his new ass-slave Peter. He is shot by Matt Pacman in a cheap attempt to kill a main character without actually killing him.

Elle Mars - Identical twin to Veronica; Elle has the ability to encase her vital organs in rubber. This saved her life in a high speed collision that involved an electricity pylon, a can of Guinness and a plastic toothbrush. Although otherwise unharmed; this caused her to absorb large amounts of charge, much like a capacitor, that is occasionally released to fry random bystanders. She also developed a deep hatred for all things Irish. Her hobbies include frying random bystanders, frying Irishmen, frying Peter Petrelli...continue ad infinitum.

Maya and Alejandro - Of little interest. They are twins who have the amazing power to cry anthrax tears. They come from Tijuana, and they use their power to enter into America free.Their main purpose is to illustrate Tim Kring's humanitarian beliefs as well as America's historic and admirable welcoming of anthrax-crying illegal immigrants into their borders.

Adam Monroe British jerk, no relation to Marilyn Monroe. Caught during necrophilia in a coffin. Locked inside and buried alive.

[edit] Characters that didn't even make it to the pilot episode

Q - He has every power while not evil he likes to take the piss out of the heroes.
Dave Baxter - A slightly feminine Albino who has the power to blend in to anything white.
Anthony Michael Hall - he blacked out for six years and woke up calling himself Johnny Smith and claiming to have psychic powers.
Legs Akimbo - An African savant with the ability to detach his limbs and use them as golf clubs.
Kyle Gollop - A young man who was born with all the powers in the world anwell as a creepy ability to become a were wolf when he heard the womwn he loved scream
Sponge Bob - A retarded sponge.
Sean O'Leary - A Irish genius who could drink copious amounts of alcohol without feeling the need to sing 'Danny Boy' at 3am and fighting with police.
Hulk Hogan - A balding man with silly hair. Has the ability to rip his shirt off and recover from a stranglehold by waving his finger, just before passing out. Replaced by Simone.
The Iranian - A small man with a badly fitting suit. Has the ability to procrastinate and then climb down by releasing hostages in the name of clemency. Has aspirations of going nuclear but could fart his way out of a paperbag.
Gordo_Barra - A pig-looked peruvian guy
Saddam Hussein- Once he came into the audition room, everybody screamed and shouted "Oh my god, we're in hell!"
Tom Cruise- his ability to change the chance of events being repeated would have made the plot redundant so instead the have a long script to do it for them.
Richard Dawkins - originally a main character, however emo kids objected to the idea that we won't evolve into monkeys. signed a contract to mention Darwin in every other sentence. His powers are all those of Gods however he tries to hide it so he can sell more books.
Captain Obvious- Fired, ironically, for using his powers to point out that the premise of the entire show was based on scientific impossibilities and a plot that clunked like a freight train.
Sean Kearney- Big, fat, bald, ugly and totaly stupid. he has the altimate power only seen in the final episode. he can blind a whole city by stripping naked.
Jesus* - The man who gave everyone how to use their powers. All they needed to do was drink some Jesus Juice.
There was an anti-Chuck Norris joke here, but it wasn't funny so Chuck Norris decided to not try out for this show.
Sean Kearney* - The guy who has the ability to turn himself and everyone in a 3 inch reach of him into a sheep.
Arthur Inkpen* - The fat man with the awesome power to depress everyone he touches. he also has an insame theory that the plague will cure cancer.
Daniel Stanton* - Has a truly decent power. He can be turned into seaweed if anyone in a 60,000 mile radius clicks their fingers, and he cannot turn back until a 100 year old tortoise shits on him twice.
Sean Kearney* - The guy who has the ability to turn himself and everyone in a 3 inch reach of him into a sheep. and anyone those sheep bite become sheep themselves.
Matt Andrews* - Has the best ability ever, HE can imitate GOLLUM!!!
Titangoboom* - he literally goes boom. he has the ability to say boom and any amount of people he wants will explode into 1 million pieces and any one with any kind of power will have it taken from them and given to him.
Superman - He is already a superhero, and already has several tv shows, so he turned it down.
Thierry Henry - He moved to Barcelona before shooting could begin, but he's a God anyway, his supahpower-to be able to kick very hard...in the right places.
'Britney Spears* - she came from Antarctica and have the ability to turn into a Bitch at will.
(Enter any name)..ova - A Soviet born-non communist girl who has the ability to run around hitting balls, and moaning at the same time,
Jack Bauer - So awesome that he can only be contained in the awesome TV show 24. So fuck you, 24 is a great show, even the 6th season. By the way, watch 24 or Jack Bauer will rape you. Kim Bauer is hot.
Jack Bauer the actual version - So bollux that he can only be in the crappest show 24 so fuck you Heroes kicks 24s arse.

by the way watch heroes or sylar will nuke you. Claire is hot.

John Gollop - a balding near 40 year old man who has the power to swim front crawl and kill any one who watches it while he does it also he can grow wings and fly
Masterchief - It works. Guys? GUYS!!!???
Terry Wogan - Supreme ruler Terry uses his accent to cripple his enemies and cause their faces to manoever through their digestive system.
Mario - Mario has the ability to jump on things menacingly. The show's multicultural attitude means he cooks Pizza, says -a on the end of every word (I'ma goinga toa kicka youra assa Sylaraaaaaa), is assoiated with the mafia, and appears to be a brilliant lover.
Paddy Bran O' Leary O' Flaherty McGinty The unknown 4th Irish man. Of course not stereotypical.
Gordon Brownnoise - Has the ability to flood a continent with the excrement he spews forth from his mouth, can also make anyone soil themselves by smiling. Notably followed by his gay lover Tony (Tony has the power to lick anyone in a position of powers ass)
Osama Bin Laden - Has the amazing ability to hide away for years and magically transport video tapes to George Bush. Was killed by George Bush.
Chuck Norris - Can shatter sponges

[edit] Challenges

Each episode features the teams racing to complete a series of tasks, which may at first seem to be linked in a complex and intricate manner but usually turn out to be completely random. Any clues are to be taken with a grain of salt, or sugar if preferred, and not only point the contestants and audience in the wrong direction, but are also bloody irritating.

[edit] Flying

The flying tasks was first completed by Mystery Sock, who managed to get higher than anybody else by shutting himself into a small room and painting with oils. This also allowed him to see through time, thus causing one of several breaches of the laws of physics which this program has become infamous for. It also allows him to avoid cutting himself while shaving because he can paint whether he will get cut or not. This explains the normally unshaven face of Issac, he simply does not shave when he paints a cut on his face.

[edit] Whining

A number of teams have excelled at this task, with Niki and Mystery Sock taking an early lead before being completely blown away by Claire the cheerleader - and as everyone knows, it's hard to recover quickly once blown away by a cheerleader. God it stinks when she blows of at you. I know, I got blown away when standing behind her.

[edit] Shave the Cheerleader

Although many of the men were eager to complete this task, they seemed to have difficulty working out which cheerleader it was they were supposed to be shaving. At one point many of them found themselves unable to leave the cheerleader's dressing room, as they found that they were encountering a certain degree of difficulty. Mostly the guys found that the cheerleaders they thought were sexy had cocks and they had a hard one up their arse, or at least, they found them very hard.

[edit] Controversies

Apart from violating several human rights by perpetrating Reality TV, many viewers have complained that the continued and blatant violations of the laws of physics, causality and basic narrative structure have rendered the competition virtually meaningless. NBC responded earlier in the season by advising viewers to shut the hell up, but were eventually forced to bring in a consultant from the world's most popular BBC travel show, Doctor Who. It is unknown how long it will take audiences to catch on to the fact that this consultant is not, as is claimed, invisible, but in fact died of wheelchair of the legs several years ago.

[edit] Mind Reading

~~Eric Weiss~~Matt Pacman has been accused of being able to read people's minds, thus gaining a considerable advantage over the other teams. These claims have been disputed by producers as nonsense, as they state:

He'd know by now that his wife has currently slept with the Green Bay Packers
Most of the other team members are brainless idiots, especially after personal consultation with Sylar

[edit] Time Travel

Hiro Nakamura has been accused of using his powers of time travel and stopping time to manipulate the other teams and find answers to questions before they've been asked. These claims have been disputed by producers as nonsense, as they state:

Shut up your gay
Go to hell and die

NBC director Bob Wright has responded to accusations that Mystery Sock can see through time with "Have you seen this guy? He can't even tie his shoes. When he's sober." or at least when we think he's sober usually we're high on heroin, and have a bottle of whiskey as a reserve.

[edit] Spoilers

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that "Shell City" was a gift shop, Bruce Willis is a ghost, Fat Albert goes to Bill Cosby to help him get back to the TV show, Archimonde is killed at the last second by a Wisp rush, Niles and Daphne get together, you are Darth Revan with amnesia, Janeway defeats the Borg, Camerlengo Ventresca is really Janus, and is completely insane, Lex Luthor gets stranded on a deserted island (again), Lefty never arrives because he's dead, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

Hiro (the japanese time stopper) will use his powers to go back in time to prevent Simone from falling in love with an emo and a heroine addict. After experiencing her annoying traits personally, he happily abandons her to her fate.
ASIMO will bang Hiro's sister and gain his very own superpower... one far more threatening to the world than some pansy atomic explosion.
The Invisible Man will return to his old hobby of throwing emos off of buildings and beating them with sticks.
Peter gets beaten with a stick again.
Hiro will be horrified by the disappearance of his sword. He is relieved when he learns Peter only borrowed it after misplacing his razor blades.
Peter goes into hiding as a DJ playing retro records, his top 6 records are:

Queen - Invisible Man

R Kelly - I believe I can fly

R Kelly - She's 15, My Niece, and I Want Her

Leonard Cohen - The Future

Jimmy Eat World - Pain

Adam & Andrew - I'm an Emo Kid

[edit] Theories

Common theory is that watching this show gives you AIDS... just like clowns' tears.

Heroes is only one letter different from Herpes.

Heroes is also an anagram of erase claire

There was common speculation as to the odds of Niki getting her tits out before the end of the first season. This proved fruitless, but it is now speculated that, as an apology to all the viewers who waited expectantly at the start of every episode with the curtains drawn and tissues at the ready, that the character will not wear a top for the entirety of the second season. Unfortunately, this too, proved false. Due to viewer's enraged dissatisfaction, she was killed off because no one liked her anymore.

Peter will become a cyber rave Goth and will show ultimate love to his brother and Claire in a family love triangle to relieve the sexual frustrations of the audience to show us that the true meaning of life is love and you should not waste a moment without it.

[edit] Conspiracy

At the end of Season 1 (In the episode 'How to stop an exploding emo') Instead of Peter exploding and destroying New York City (His exploding was a side effect of being emo, or yet another suicide attempt) his brother Nathan (His half brother who I actually a native american cross middle eastern cross hispanic female, who is ACTUALLY working undercover for the 'company' who are responsible for safe disposal of emos in our world) flies into the sky (with Peter by the way, if anyone forgot to mention that) and stops Peter from destroying killing all the non-emos. But as any other emo side effects the explosion DOES have problems. See, when Peter blew up in the sky he blew up the plane flight coming from Sydney to LA (Which was the main reason that people were filmed trying to survive on an island in popular Syrian TV show Lost). People being on an island in the middle of nowhere caused Nathan Petreli to die of the *claps hands*. Peter also made things blow up in a not so popular My Chemical Romace video, on the other side of the world (In Kazakstan). This explosion triggered Global Warming, the death of Chuck Norris, the whole population of Jamaica to become extinct and the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy to get HIV, AIDS and marshmallows.

Since Peter is the reason that the TV show Lost started, he is also the reason why Aaron Echols killed Lilly on Veronica Mars, because she knew the location of the people trapped on the island (He didn't want anyone to find out because they might tell Tom from MySpace that he fucked Rory from Gilmore Girls (Who is actually a guy, hence the name!).) Veronica Mars then found out that Aaron killed her friend's mum's doctor's pimp's mini-van's driver's murderer's lawyer's daughter Lilly and went crazy and shot Prue from Ukrainian TV Hit Charmed causing her sister's, Piper and Pheobe, to become emo. Once they had became emo they shat the bats that killed Buffy The (not so great) Vampire Slayer. Peter, not knowing he had caused so much distress to TV viewers all across the Middle East, then killed Ali Larter's character Niki Sanders by 'accidentally' stabbing her seven times, shooting her three times and (just to make sure she was dead) strangelling her and dangling her off the top of a building by her hair. But Peter then accidentally dropped her, while he was dangling her off the top of building by her hair, onto Oprah. Oprah then died, and her body was taken the CSI crime lab (along with other unpopular tv personalities, Marissa from The OC, JT from Degrassi and Martha Hoober from Desperate Housewives). Peter then went to the CSI crime lab to see if George Bush was lurking in the storage room banging young children and ended up blowing it up, and bringing all the bodies back to life (as zombies) with some nuclear radiation type thing. The millions of zombies then ate the brains (In true Sylar style!!) of every living human being on Planet Earth (Or Mars, I don't know ask a planet scientist type guy.), killing them all. Since zombies now ruled the world they tried to kill Peter, who can't die so he used the random asian guy's time travel power to go back and stop Nathan from flying him up into the sky. But since Nathan didn't fly him up into the sky to devestate Middle Eastern TV viewers he blew up New York City. But somehow all the events that followed Peter blowing up a plane still happened, since the plane crashed anyway (As the pilot got distracted when the co-pilot yelled out 'Hey look, that guy's exploding!!') and the world suddenly ended when George Bush declared war on the zombies, who killed him since he was the only actual human left on Earth. The zombie that ate George Bush's brains obsorbed his power of being able to believe that fish and the human race to co-exist peacefully, the zombie could not control this power and when Peter obsorbed the power he blew up (again...), killing all the zombies and successfully being the last person on earth. He then cut his wrists because he was all alone in the world (literally..), but ofcourse it healed straight away, and then used his telekenisis power to move the earth towards the sun as the ULTIMATE SUICIDE ATTEMPT!! (Peter finally successfully attempted suicide after many failed attempts). Then, Dean and Sam Winchester from Supernatural made sure he was really gone by seasoning his bones with salt and frying him with petrol.

[edit] The Weird Symbol

A strange symbol that resembles a twisted penis, although everyone says it looks like RNA. This creates another flaw in the evolution idea of the show, as RNA is just a copy of DNA. It has a tendency to keep popping up like a stalker; inculding:

Nikki's right tit, but not her left.
Jessica's left tit, but not her right.
Hidden under OmegaFuture SuperdidooperHiro's soulpatch.
A scar on Peter's wrist from a suicide attempt.
On the end of a really, really long nose that Hiro can't stop talking about.
On a computer screen when Micah ilegally downloaded too much porn.
As a tattoo on Nathan Petrelli's penis; which is his penis' arch enemy.
On a necklace of the Haitian, next to the rainbow and the unicorn
9 cutting scars on shapechangers stomache from extensive stomache stapling that are invisible.
A moonstone on Claire's chastity belt.
Stare directly at the sun for three hours and you'll see it.

[edit] Airing of Heroes

Heroes airs in Belgium, Israel and some hole named Ipswich in central Australia. It used to be aired in Mexcico, but otakus found it was funnier to see Dragon Ball, so, it was cancelled. Also, shooting of the first season began January 12, 1421, in Hell. Series 1 due for screening on BBC 2 once the us box set for series 3 is released.

[edit] Merchandising

On top of a sandwich named after the show, there is also a brand of cookies called Horeos.

Also on top of a sandwich is a frilly toothpick.

A set of toys celebrating the series was due out summer 2007, but due to legal action cabury's miniture heroes threatened legal action, The church of scientology also threaten to sue, as Tom cruise's sexuality is being tested by claire's 'jail bait like' attraction.