Phil Collins
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βI think my greatest achievement would be "Sussudio," hands down. Seriously. What are you laughing at?β
~ Phil Collins on himself
βI'll never lose his number because I've never had his numberβ
~ Billy on Phil Bloody Collins
βOh, i love Cadbury Creme Eggs! Wait, who?β
~ Oscar Wilde on Phil Collins
Phil Bloody Collins (born Philip Haemoglobin Collins January 30, 1950 in a test tube), also sometimes credited as Darth Sussudio, Sith Lord of Pop; Bill Collins or simply Kano, is a British "musician".
Phil Bloody Collins made his name - to the dismay of many - as the drummer of 1970s prat-rock band (Oh For Fuck's Sake, It's) Genesis. In 1976, when The Angel Gabriel left the group to play with plasticine because a voice on a hill had told him, Bloody Collins took over lead vocals and remained there until he found a large burning cross on his front lawn with a message crudely carved into his door politely requesting they disband. During the 1980s, Bloody Collins achieved inexplicable solo success, which should have heralded the end of civilisation as we know it but didn't. Still, at least it provided the soundtrack.
It is claimed that Bloody Collins can sing and play the drums, but these claims were only affirmed by 1980s teenage girls with coke-bottle glasses and faulty hearing aids. They therefore remain controversial (look[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]).
As of 1981, Phil Fucking Collins has a criminal record (Face Value). He is set to release another soon.
Bloody Collins is also recognised for his roles as "Buster Gut" in the film Busted, "Eddie Valiant" in Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Phil Mitchell in the British television soap Eastenders; though in reality the last two were Bob Hoskins and Steve McFadden respectively. He is probably best known for his role in the movie adaptation of Mortal Kombat which he played himself.
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[edit] Career
[edit] Early career
Phil Bloody/Fucking Collins was born in fucking Chiswick, London. (The city issued a formal apology in 1992). During his Christening ceremony Collin's parents dropped their prematurely-bald child into the font and said, "We shall raise him in the way our God advised us - this child, this sweet, slap-headed child shall be the world's foremost middle-of-the-road musician, whose music shall be played in lifts and extremely cheap restaurants throughout the world, and we name him.... Phil Bloody Collins." During the ceremony the vicar tried to push the young infant's head under the water and had to be physically restrained. (damn)
As a slap-headed prodigy Collins had a very successful acting career - peaking with his appearance as one of the 9 million Oompa Loompas in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. There was then an unfortunate gap in Bloody Collins' career due to a short (but not long enough) stay in prison following a bank-raid where Collins wore two pairs of used tights over his ears, and was recognised in court by the prosecution's main witness who suffered from memory loss and couldn't remember where he lived.
[edit] Genesis era
Bloody Collins is most well-known as the famously not-working-class lead singer for the upper-class progressive rock group Genesis. Initially a public school boy-band churning out three-minute Protestant hymns about conservatism and how jolly good it was for moral fibre, their hits included "We're Awful, Don't Listen To Us", "Supper Isn't Ready Yet, Fuck Off And Watch Telly" and "More Tea Vicar?". They soon hit upon the idea of recording 38-minute epic songs about flowers, alien postmen in disguise and Hitler's penis.
It wasn't until The Angel Gabriel left the group that they reached international fame. Under Collins' ryhthmic leadership the band abandoned their prog-rock leaning-on-a-bar leanings, and moved towards pure (in the purest sense), bland (in the blandest sense) banal pop, which coincided with Collins' thoughts about a solo career and moving to a tax haven far from Solsbury Hill. Critics who said the band under Gabriel was the hight of tedium were only too happy to point out their error.
[edit] Solo career
During the 1980s "Is He Really Our Dad?" Collins (his childrens' nickname for him) had a plastic bagful of hit songs, which consisted of lyrics based on "Oh, Girl", "I Love You Baby" and "Baby I Love Your Bald-Headed Baby -Ohhh" and releasing them 10 or 20 times a month under suspect pseudonyms such as "Bloody Collins", "The Balding Man", "Bill Collins", and "Phil Twatty Collins". His bank account reached peak popularity through the TV show Miami Vice when he played himself in an episode where he was found to be importing 90% of America's cocaine and spent about a quarter of the episode burying his face in a pile of white powder (which the producers insist was glucose powder although they admit they only had Collins' word for that) inhaling it and laughing. Collins has subsequently revealed that he wrote this episode himself.
[edit] For the LOVE of Jeebus, why?
The television mute button, which is now popularly used around the globe for music videos featuring Britney Spears, Eminem, Celine Dion and Elton John, was first created and used explicitly for Phil Collins' videos.
Phil Pissing Himself Collins (Bob Geldof's nickname) was also part of Live Aid. On one day in 1985, Phil Bloody Collins flew to three different continents on a Concorde and inflicted his music upon all and sundry in the stadiums. He even sang and played drums for some people who were just standing in the parking lot, without ever being asked to. The sponsors were quoted as saying that they ended up spending more money on gas for flying Collins around the globe than he actually helped raise for impoverished Africa. Phil Collins was quoted as saying that he didn't "bloody care" whilst eating a suckling pig.
Phil Bloody Collins is widely-believed to have drummed on every song recorded between 1979 and 1992, utilising his infamous kick-drum noise in every case. This distinctive sound can only be achieved by recording in a maze of catacombs and simultaneously hitting four hundred bass drums with forty-two pound mallets. However, there is no basis for this belief and it simply stems from the fact that Phil Collins never seems to go away.
In the early 1990s, Phil reformed Genesis without Peter Gabriel (now known at the insistence of Collins' lawyer as Phil Bloody Collins And His Genesis Three) to release the album We Can't Dance which featured the singles "I Can't Dance", "I'm A Bloated Bald Imbecile" and "I Can't Justify My Bank Balance". This album was taken to be a long-overdue confessional. Collins remained philsophical saying "I suppose people could take it that way or they could take it as me being ironic." Asked what the opinion of the rest of the band was on the subject Collins said "Their opinion doesn't matter."
[edit] Acting Career
Ya, he used to be an actor before he joined Genesis. Then, sadly, in 1993, after the We Can't Dance tour ended, he voiced Ed Bighead on the popular Nicknicknicknickn-nicknicknick, NICKELODEONNNNNNNNNNN cartoon Rocko's Modern Life. Rocko would murder him every episode he appeared in. After Collins joined the cast, he started singing (and drumming along to) the Nickelodeon tune! WTF? People died. People died from that. (Which would mean that Collins is actually a murderer...) Eventually, Collins became tired of his character getting killed off every episode, only to come back to life the next time he appeared, and after the writers refused to bring him back to life permanently, Collins left the show in season three, which means his crappy voice would never again plague the Nick song, or Rocko's Modern Life.
[edit] Make him stop.....won't someone make him stop!?
More recently and far more importantly, Phil Bloody Collins divorced his wife by fax and married a 27-year-old, a stunt that carried him to the title of full-fledged celebrity.
In autumn 2003 Phil Bloody Collins came out as Boring, ending decades of speculation.
In 2007, Phil Collins' single "In The Arse Tonight" was used in a slow-moving British chocolate advert featuring Phil himself sitting doing fuck all during the opening synth music before playing on his drumkit at "that bit". Phil was portrayed in this advert by an actor and Phil himself has apparently criticised the choice of thespian for the role. The advertising agency, Gabriel and Gabriel, claimed their choice was "resoundingly suitable" and "flatters Mr Collins by portraying him with more hair than he currently has."
In the same year Phil appeared in the videogame Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories as part of a mission in which the player is encouraged to gun Collins down before he can play "In The Arse Tonight"; an additional "easter egg" allows the player to discover Collins' expensive '80s Porsche which can be stolen and driven; preferably into a wall.
[edit] Versus Peter Gabriel
Phil Bloody Collins is commonly referred to in print and conversation as "the man who made a career out of not being as good as Peter Gabriel." This statement has been attributed to Johnny Carson, but was first said by Collins himself as his ex-wife was holding a loaded gun to his head. In any case, it is generally agreed with by rock cognoscenti (though fans of crappy 80s synth-pop disagree.) Though this position is largely based on the work the men did in Genesis in different eras of the band's activity, it is bolstered when "In the Air Tonight" is compared to "Games Without Frontiers." or when "Both sides of the story" is revealed as a rip off from "Come talk to me".
This way of describing Bloody Collins was popularized in 1986 by late night talk show king Johnny Carson. Bloody Collins was enraged when, on an appearance on Carson's show, he was introduced by Johnny as "the man who made a career out of not being as good as Peter Gabriel." Rushing onto the stage, Collins kicked Carson in the balls. The crowd hissed and booed in disapproval. Then Phil Bloody Collins sat down at his drum kit and started singing "In the Air Tonight" (tragically without either prompting or any sort of backing band or track). After the performance, Bloody Collins was buffetted with a barrage of fruit. So enraged with rage was Phil Bloody Collins at this that he stood up at his drum kit and shouted, "That's it! If you're going to behave this way, I won't play for you any more." Ecstatic cheering broke out.
Bloody Collins broke his promise, however, by making more bad music, even scoring a Disney film. As if that wasn't enough, a Genesis reunion was announced for Live Eight with Phil Bloody Collins leading the band. When the concert date arrived and the band lunged into "Follow You Follow Me," men in the audience took the laces from their shoes and attempted to hang themselves. Acting quickly and heroically, Peter Gabriel appeared from backstage and knocked Collins unconscious with an underripe banana. Then he started singing "Supper's Ready," and the crowd rejoiced. However, after the incident, Gabriel was quick to retreat to the vegetable garden that he left Genesis for in the first place. He shaved what remained of the hair on his head, put on a tutu, and planted, cared and nurtured the growth of cabbages in his backyard and is expected to remain as stoned as ever for many years to come.
Bloody Collins stated in an interview a week later that "[this disastrous event] won't stop me from continuing to produce and have faith in my brand of bland powerpop". He went on to say, "The [demos for my next album are] complete, and I [plan to have a finalized product ready for distribution] by June of next year." He expressed hope that "the" album would bring an end to "this way people have come to describe me. Sure, I have the voice only a David Hasselhoff could love, but if the choice is between being remembered as a bald baffoon who sang Disney songs or as a grown man who proudly prodded all over Europe dressed in the costume of a friggin sunflower, I'll take Disney any damn day of the year," said Phil Bloody Collins, in a vieled reference to his former band mate's eccentric past.
[edit] Discography
βThere's a fat, bald drummer who's never on my mind. Not even some of the time. Phil..Phil..Oh, someone put on some Peter Gabriel!β
~ Sussudio on Phil Collins
[edit] Albums
- 1981 - Tesco Value Face
- 1982 - Hello, You Must Be GΓΆring!
- 1985 - No Trousers Required
- 1989 - ...You Cannot Be Serious! (duet with John McEnroe)
- 1990 - Busted (Soundtrack from cult drugs movie in which Collins plays a hopeless anadin-addict)
- 1991 - Fuck You Unappreciative B*stards
- 1993 - One Side (covers of Hawkwind and Iron Maiden (Rest in peace, or RIP for short.)songs)
- 1996 - Dancing To This Shite
- 2002 - Testicles
- 2004 - The Gonhorrea Collection - 30 Nausiating Years of Bilge on 8 godawful CD's
- 2008 - OK, Computer Love, this is a Groovy Kind of Karma Police - Phil sings the hits of Radiohead and Kraftwerk despite the best efforts of their lawyers.
[edit] Singles
- 1982 - "In The Arse Tonight"
- 1982 - "In Soviet Russia, Love Can't Hurry YOU!"
- 1984 - "Sleazy Lover"
- 1984 - "Against All Odds (People Bought This)"
- 1985 - "One More Shite"
- 1985 - "(Can Security Please Escort My Estranged Wife Out The) Stu-Stu-Studio"
- 1985 - "Separate Wives"
- 1986 - "Thinkin' 'bout my Swiss Tax Form"
- 1988 - "A Groovy Kind Of Widow's Peak"
- 1988 - "Two Hearts" (Phil's failed attempt at a new Doctor Who theme tune)
- 1989 - "Another Day In Paradise (For Me, As I Piss On You Proles)"
- 1990 - "I Wish I Would Fuck Off"
- 1994 - "UZI Lover" (Collaboration with rapper Fur-Q[1])
- 1997 - "Bare Your Twat!" (deleted after complaints from womens' groups)
- 2000 - "You'll Be Inside of Me"
- 2001 - "A Hot Night On The Toilet" (live with the trots)
- 2006 - "I Can't Dance"
- 2007 - "Sadly Not Dead Yet" (Live)
- 2009 - "Switzerland's Neutral, but I'd Swap it All for a Tory" - upcoming campaign song for Conservative Party in 2009 UK elections.
[edit] Trivia
- There are a total of 951 Phil Bloody Collins songs containing the lyrics "All my life". And none of them are any good. (Except for "Dreaming While You Shit Your Pants", a song he sang with Genesis, and "In the Arse Tonight". They were only glimmers of hope, though. Nothing THAT good)
- Phil Bloody Collins is almost an anagram of 'talentless ass-bag'.
- Phil Bloody Collins' ego is one of the few artificial structures that can be seen from Uranus.
- Phil Bloody Collins Invented the cross hand drumming style, to which many drummers have now copied !
