Phillip Schofield
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[edit] Early Life
Phillip was born in Lancashire, England on April 1st, 1962. A prodigy in pre-school education, he could spell his own name by his 2nd birthday, recite entire Disney film scripts (including stage directions) two months later, and became one of the leading active members of the local "Nazis in Nappies Political Playgroup" at age 3. His intelligence reached its peak at 6, however, when a drunken night in Toys 'R' Us left him and 3 friends sprawled across the handlebars of a four-seated tricycle facing charges of gang rape and speeding in the Board Games aisle. Suffering mild brain damage, his jet black hair began to show the earliest signs of ATPW (Adorable TV Presenter Whiteness), a condition that has haunted him and other UK stars like Robert Kilroy-Silk and Des Lynam to this day, most recently attacking Gary Lineker; which makes the victim completely irresistible to all females over 50.
Bullied throughout secondary schooling and further education, Schofield began to blame (some say rightly) Judaism for his plight, and turned his attention to writing his own version of Hitler's "Mein Kampf", entitled "Mein Kampf 2 - A Child Called 'It'". Slated by book critics all over North Humberside (the only town where it was released), Phillip was criticised for "taking the political ideals and passion that made Mein Kampf so popular with fascists and turning it into a horribly gorey story of love set in medieval England with unnecessary and seemingly random appearances of anti-semitic phrases and communist villains; eliminating any kind of political influence and replacing it with Kitten Huffing-fed bull." Knocked back from the publishing world, teenage Phillip tried his hand at acting instead, starring in several school plays and excelling at his previously unexplored, newfound nishe.
[edit] Early Career
Schofield's first big break came on some TV show for kids in a little known country called New Zealand. According to Wikipedia, it is a country somewhere near Australia, though these reports are unconfirmed and should be regarded as myth. Schofield's imaginary job, however, opened the floodgates to various UK jobs, such as that show where he reviewed 1986, and the one with the 50 telephones and whatnot. Perhaps the most notable of his jobs is the one with Gordon the Gopher - a children's TV Program with a gopher. Called Gordon. Then he burst onto the stage as Joseph in Joseph and
[edit] Late Career to Present
After Joseph, Schofield was left pennyless and jobless by a theatre company that cared more for sell out shows and latest fads than it did greying, handsome, softly spoken actor/TV presenters. He turned to drink, and gained 26 stone in weight. Retaining his hatred for Judaism, he would have week-long parties with Michael Barrymore and George Michael where the morbidly obese Schofield would sit in a chair made purely of homosexual bodybuilders and throw petrol bombs at wicker men with Jewish faces and Rabbi hats that Michael and Barrymore would have made hours earlier at knifepoint. Slowly, Phillip also slipped into drugs. For 3 years, he lay in his bed all day taking vast amounts of ecstacy, drinking Herbal Escences shower gel and eating lard. The mixture would leave him in such a euphoric state that he could often be seen rolling down the hills of Lancashire completely naked singing the songs of Joseph to the tunes of nursery rhymes.
Times were hard. With three mortgages paying for lard and gay bodybuilder furniture, rumours of homosexuality, morbid obesity limiting his movement and the continuing trauma of ATPW gripping his life, Schofield turned to a good friend that he had made in his early career - Gordon the Gopher. Philanthropist and lover of Schofield's previous work, the altruistic Gordon lended a hand to Phillip and helped get his life back on track. Through weight loss videos presented by that ugly one from that cruise ship show (yknow, that McDonald bird who can't sing very well and used to sing on the boat documentary then tried to release a single which failed miserably and who can only get jobs now on shows like Loose Women), drug rehabilitation advice from Pete Doherty and through the good example of Scientology (see Bullshit), Schofield lost 27 stones, stopped blaming the Jews and was fitter then ever. He was ready once again for a return to TV.
Now presenting This Morning with the "lovable" Fern Britten, the two have become a formidable opponent for any morning show, as their on-screen (and undeniably homo-erotic) rapport brings millions of viewers every day. Phillip Schofield, it is said, has never been happier. In an interview with Heat magazine early 2007, he said "I, it is said, have never been happier." Though he is now fully in the clutches of his life threatening illness, which has made him utterly sickeningly adorable. The pair live in a house they built out of Rivita together while laughing heartily, like they do on the show.
[edit] Coping with ATPW
Phillip Schofield has been an active campaigner throughout his career for the advancement of research into a cure for Adorable TV Presenter Whiteness. In his early years regularly funding the ATPWCGC (ATPW Cure Goose Chase), later becoming the face of ATPCure and starting his own charity, Scope-field, he has always lived in hope for a cure one day. His mission statement can be found on the official Phillip Schofield fan club site as the following:
"I will always strive for new ways to release humanity from the grip of a disease which leaves innocent TV Presenters like myself and Robert "Islamophobia" Kilroy-Silk totally irresistible to every human being, with beautiful white locks that shine like God. We will overcome all opposition and before 2010, we WILL find a way out of this delicious little hole. Also, I'm not gay, I'm just lovely."
His efforts, however, have always faced opposition. Mostly run by sex-starved, lonely housewives who have time to watch This Morning and become sexually stimulated over his whiteness, leagues have been set up to hinder his organisation's attempts to sure the illness. Societies like "ATPW should be TWAT", "I want your Whiteness", "We love ATPW long time" and "In Soviet Russia, ATPW cures YOU!!" have held counter events, terrorist campaigns and propaganda against the handsome TV presenter's cause for several years, and have vowed to do it until the handsome virgin gives up his cherry to the horny ladies.
His most recent attempt to cure his ATPW was to sleep with Chris Moyles, but this backfired when several other stars copied him, including his This Morning co-host, Fearne Briton.
