Philosophy

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Since the beginning of time itself, philosophers have often suffered from sudden attacks of excessive recursive self-introspection (ERSI) and, in some rare cases, penal penile explosion.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Philosophy.

“It's like a road leading from nowhere to nothing!”

~ Caroline Clarke on Philosophy

“Men who find good wives will become happy; men stuck with bad ones will become philosophers.”

~ Socrates on Philosophy

“There is no time!”

~ Chris Byrne on philosophy

“An interesting idea! However, how can we know that we exist to witness time?”

~ Plato on Jack Bauer on philosophy

“In Tsarist Russia, we can prove it by SCIENCE!”

~ Catherine the Great, Empress of all the Russias on Philosophy

Basketball was invented by Greek philosophers.

Philosophy (or simply, the study of questions that have no answers) is a psychological disorder that causes people to endlessly ponder the in(s)ane, the improvable, and the pointless rather than go out and get a job. It is classified under obsessive/compulsive disorders in the American Assoc. Catalog of Psychic Disassociative Disorders, DSM 5 (Volume IIIV pg. 1546, section 172, lines 45-21). Someone studying philosophy or proficient in philosophy is called a bumblehead. It is not to be confused with Filosophy, an unusual infatuation or intense craving for dough. As an academic pursuit, much of philosophy is the study of the writings of a lot of dead philosophers and coming up with theories as to what the hell they were talking about.

The purpose of studying philosophy is to disprove your religion, your scientific methodology, the laws of your entire civilization, your ethics, and the existence of that chair you're sitting on (although not convincingly enough as to make you feel you have to stand up). Bonus points are awarded for disproving that you disproved it.

Philosophy has avoided adopting either a purpose or a method, and therefore it is immune to most criticism, since you can never point out that it failed to reach its goal or work as advertised. If you are foolish enough to try to criticize philosophy anyway, your statements will simply become absorbed into the morass as yet another branch of philosophy.

Philosophy
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Philosophies

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Philosophy is very complicated and can't be explained here

[edit] Essence of Philosophy

[edit] Overview

The scope of philosophy is a broad one. Questions asked by philosophers include:

What am I doing with my life?
Why did I choose this degree?
Will McDonald's take over the world?
Would you like fries with that?

and

Mummy, why am I different from all the other boys and girls?

[edit] Etymelology

Philosophy in Greek means "the study of Phyllis," although sometimes it is translated as coming from the Greek words "Philos" (love) and "Sophia" (potato), perhaps referring to an unsavory incident in the 5th century B.C. involving a drunken Aristotle and a sack of potatoes.

[edit] Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything

42 million fish. 43 (mexican time)

[edit] Hobo Philosophy

Unlocking the potentially godlike power contained within the complex maze known as human soul is the greatest challenge mankind is faced with. The human’s spirit is a Pandora’s Box, waiting to be opened. However, reflecting the moral of the story of Pandora, the contents of the box may be better off kept locked away from humans. I believe that the vast potential of human thought will decide for itself when it should be tapped into, meaning that only when humans are ready to have such power will they realize their full potential. If our latent abilities are indeed as powerful as the great science fiction authors would have us believe, then picture the devastation that only one power-starved person could cause by abusing the powers of a god. This super-human would destroy needlessly, as mankind does now, only on a universal scale. It is clearly unwise that anyone short of a god should wield that kind of power, because no human could avoid being corrupted by an unlimited energy source. Humans already have more power than any other known entity, and we are using it to destroy each other and our home with purposeless wars, genocide, and our lack of concern for nature. If a human had that kind of power, he would use it for personal gain and evil. In order to achieve that kind of godlike power, I think humanity first must purify itself to the point of absolute perfection, because if a man becomes perfect, he is no longer a man. He is a god, and only a god should have that kind of power. Every living creature contains a perpetually vast well of inaccessible energy. But in order for the seed of godliness to take root, one must plant it in the soil of perfection, because only then will it grow into what it could be. Perhaps the god that created this universe was once a creature, or perhaps an entire race of creatures, or even an entire plane of being known as a universe that, as a whole, achieved perfection, and, in one single moment of absolute wonder, this creature or species or universe became one with itself and became a god, left with the infinite blank canvas called space, on which the new god must create something tainted, must paint a picture in white and black, and with the celestial and limitless hands of the deities, the god must either guide the warped and twisted painting to a white, perfect canvas akin to the one the god itself sprung from, or watch the universe destroy itself until the canvas is completely black, at which point the god must start over, discarding the destroyed universe, blackened by the very fools who want more than anything to become pure. But with such a fierce will to grow, the paradox of the harsh, misguided fertilizer of human passion can turn on the plant and destroy it completely. Humanity is headed towards a black, mangled canvas, and one can only hope that the god of our universe will help us to recover from the damage we have caused to our planet.

Or maybe i'm just a rambling drunk hobo.

[edit] Relation to other fields

Philosophy is to mathematics what alchemy is to chemistry.
Philosophy is to engineering what medieval quackery is to modern medicine.
Philosophy is to psychology what astrology is to astronomy.
Philosophy is to quantum mechanics what NTL is to customer service.
Philosophy is to the Uncyclopedia what pots are to kettles.
Philosophy is to Zen what Zen is to this particular brand of Judaistic, pre-determinational, white-person-is-right-by-definition way of looking upon the realities of modern-day interpersonal relationships.
Philosophy is to a smart career choice what Jesus is to Terrorists.
Philosophy is to understanding what icebergs are to the Titanic.
Philosophy is to Pop Culture what fat is to your mother.

[edit] Subfields

Philosophy is kind of like the TV show “Who dares, wins” except the most random person wins. Plato's article "Why humans shouldn’t kill koalas" demonstrates this perfectly.

It is generally agreed that philosophy is made up of seven subfields:

Metaphyllis, which asks: "What is beyond the scope of Phyllis Diller's existence?" The answer, obviously, is nothing, and you're a fucking phyllistine if you think otherwise.
Logic, which is the art and science of drawing letters upside down and backwards;
Evil, which advises you on the best method toward becoming a horrible, horrible human being. All modern schools accept that the proper route to this end involves listening to remixes of John Tesh songs set to disco beats. Moustache and goatee are mandatory;
Neo-post-neo-re-de-modernism, which is the study of new and shiny things. It is also known as a 10-foot-high cage which analytic philosophers use to lock away the bothersome creeps from the social sciences;
Epistemologipolography, which examines the scope of all knowledge, based on astrology and alchemy;
Assthetics, which is the study of doing hair and nails and butt.
Economic feasability, which basically is the study of how much it will cost against how much it will render.

Other elements of philosopy include:

Analytic tradition

[edit] Definition of Philosophy

Philosophy is the phine art oph phucking the brain with phact-phree conjecture. (Pherguson's Compendium of Andralamusism, p. 69)

[edit] Theoretical Derivation

Modern philosophers have concluded that everything may be linked to philosophy. For example: Politics is Economics; Economics is Sociology; Sociology is Psychology; Psychology is Neurology; Neurology is Biology; Biology is Chemistry; Chemistry is Physics; Physics is Mathematics; Mathematics is Logic; Logic is Philosophy. Therefore Politics is Philosophy. This was a groundbreaking line of reason and created a great stir in newspapers, NPR and the Weekly World News. However, it was not covered in other less venerable news sources. Recent thought has led to the belief that there might be a further tier more fundamental than Philosophy called Bullshit. However, such a form of reason has not been proved as of yet.

What lives in the Bullshit, oh headsick reader? Literally, REALIGION.

[edit] Get started today!

Working on philosophical matters is in general very cheap to do, which it has to be because it isn't worth a bean to anyone anyway. The following list compares the required tools for philosophy with a selection of other areas:

Study of the real world (dubbed physics): You need lots of huge, expensive doohickeys for conducting experiments, laboratories, technicians, huge research grants.
Study of the theoretical world (dubbed mathematics): You need only paper, a pencil, and a trashcan.
Study of nothing in particular (dubbed philosophy): You just need to keep talking.

[edit] The Contradictions of Philosophy

[edit] The Dark Art of Philosophy

“Only two there are, no more, no less.”

~ Plato on Acid

Philosophy is practiced by a master and apprentice. When the apprentice has gained enough power through many years of training, he will kill the master, taking his place as the new philosopher. Now the student becomes the master, just as Darth...er, Socrates was defeated by Plato, and Plato was defeated by Aristotle.

"It's all Plato's fault. He's jealous. He's holding me back." Aristotle prepares to backhand his master.

While many believe they can practice philosophy on their own through use of illicit substances, philosophy is only available to those who are trained in the ways of Philosophy by a true master philosopher. From Kant to Nietzsche to John Stuart-Mill, all have been properly trained.

One who claims to know philosophy but has not studied it is a "Dark Philosopher," who does not follow the true path of philosophy. This is because any person can claim to be a philosopher, but in most cases they simply lack the study and training required to get published in the annals of history. I mean who are you going to believe, the guy whose name is in all the textbooks, or the guy who nearly passed out on the sidewalk and came up with a really neat idea while looking up at the stars?

[edit] Who was Phyllis, Anyways?

Phyllis, according to the parody site "Wikipedia," was a Jewish philosopher from Egypt. This makes no sense, of course, because if so, she would have been studying herself. This type of thing isn't funny, it's just self-referential, leading some to accuse Wikipedia of being somewhat un-funny and pendantic.

Really, of course, Phyllis was a princess of Thrace and one of the many gods in the pantheons of Scientology, second only to Ayn Rand herself. She is associated with Egypt only peripherally, due to her involvement in the Great Jewish Escape of 2000 BCE.

Neo-radical Armenians are said to believe that Phyllis is, in fact, a muffin.

[edit] Heraclitus The Bitter

Because of the love of contradiction that all philosophers have, the most famous philosopher is also the least well known. He was a malicious and twisted Greek called Heraclitus who wanted to build himself an intellectual tower so high they would all see how smart he was. He tried to achieve this amazing feat of Self Promotionin the time-honoured tradition of showing that everything was its opposite, and thus dug himself into the deepest lingustic hole the world has ever known... however such an amazing feat of worldplay was of no interest to the other Greeks who laughed at the fool down the hole and generally thought of him as pretty stupid. Because of this he stopped being a philosopher and became a bitter hermit instead, angry that his contempories could not realise his genius. He died from eating too many mysterious herbs, thus securing himself the right to be doubly bitter at everything. Sadly, everyone forgot about him after his hole was used for landfill.

[edit] The Socratic method

The Socratic method is a method of inquiry that can disprove any statement.There are many formats, however the method remains in that the methodizer uses the powers of doubt and the ability to make up all possible ways a person is wrong:

Judge: The law is just.

Socrates: O Rly?

Priest: Holiness is holy.

Socrates: Ya Rly?

Student: You are an asshole.

Socrates: That would explain why Plato devoted his life to following me around

Other common phrases include: are you sure, yeah I bet, Nuh Uh! Prove it!, and Joor A Liar!!!

More often than not a person utilizing the Socratic Method is being illogical. This is credited to the fact that the method was developed by Plato, who often used the well-known and admired Socrates' name and character in order to forward his own insane metaphysical and political theories, such as The "Forms" and The Republic. Plato was the tutor of a much wiser Aristotle, who would develop the methods of logic used to uncover when someone arguing was full of shit.

[edit] Sophistication

Aristotle perfected the argument method of sophistication: when you know you're wrong, HEY LOOK OVER THERE, IT'S A WOOKIEE!! Success in sophistication teaches one excellent dress sense, taste in wine and hot chicks with rich fathers, and a series of ever-smaller Wookiees that can throw a well-aimed spanner into any coherent logical train of thought. I would tell you about sophistication, but your mind is far too coarse for such highly developed matters.

[edit] A little example of Philosophy

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, do the other trees laugh?
If a tree falls on a mime in a forest, does anyone care?
Cogito, ergo sum (English translation: "I think, therefore I am therefore I think..."). It is an answer to the ancient philosophical problem of, "What first principles may govern metapostneophysics?". Previous philosophers thought it to be one without solution. Alas, they were both wrong, and stupid; the solution is Britney Spears.
Can we know the known? And if not, how do we know?

Please have this banana — it dances! It dances philosophically.

- WARNING: this may be an actual philosophical problem. The editors of Uncyclopedia apologize for molesting your eyes with it. Please have a banana.
How do I get that hot ch1xx0r to notice my spotty bespectacled existence? Anyone? Please?
um... elves?
The transitional experience of the individual corresponds directly to his in-of-itself and the ontological framework underwhich he exists.

[edit] Conclusion

It is not impossible that Philosophy is no more science than eating biscuits on Sunday afternoon in your aunt's garden. But it is more than likely.

[edit] Philosophies

[edit] Notable Philosophers

[edit] Non-Notable Philosophers

Demomotus

[edit] Quotes

“Philosophy is dead.”

~ Socrates

“Socrates is dead.”

~ Plato

“Plato is dead.”

~ God

“God is dead.”

~ Nietzsche

“Nietzsche is dead.”

~ God

“The horse is dead. Stop beating it.”

~ Animal rights activists on the previous exchange

“Philosophy could solve the world's problems, if the world's problems were not relevant to the world.”

~ Everyone

“Shit happens.”

~ Forrest Gump; also that T-shirt

“Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says "Chicken of the Sea".”

~ Jessica Simpson on existentialism.

“It is not a question of if, but when you will become one with the Katamari.”

~ The Katamacracy on Inevitability.

“Eeneveetabur!.”

~ Kim Jung Il on Katamacracy.

[edit] Philosophical Questions and Truths

[edit] The Ultimate Inevitable Truth

  Katamacracy is a revolutionary new philosophy on government based upon the goals of Happiness. 
   Katamacratic philosophers believe that the people of all nations will know true Happiness when they become one with the Katamari. 
   The motto "Happiness in a ball" rings through the ears of devoted Katamacrats. They seek to spread their message of Happiness throughout the cosmos.    
   The theory has cohesion because it is impossible not to feel Happiness in your heart when engaged in the world of Katamari Damacy.

The structure of a functioning Katamacracy is as follows:

The King: As the Supreme ruler of all the cosmos, the purpose of the King is to spread happiness, and provide direction for the Katamacracy. His word is Happiness.

The Prince: The purpose of the Prince is to execute the orders of the King towards the goals of Happiness. He is to be the King's right-hand man, as the King's right hand is too busy holding a martini. The primary task of the Prince is to roll the Katamari and absorb more and more people, and thus create more and more Happiness.

The Katamari: The Katamari contains all of the common folk of the Katamacracy in a ball of Happiness. They are the Katamari; the Katamari is them. All are one within the Katamari, and all are Happy.

Super Happy Fun Facts!:

"Good Rolling" is the universal greeting and farewell of Katamacrats

Oscar Wilde, Karl Marx, Pac-Man, Jesus, and The Rolling Stones are all famous Katamacrats

You will be part of the Katamacracy someday; like it or not you'll be Happy.

After the Katamacracy is realized, Emos will cease to exist.

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Philosophy"

Category: Philosophy