Physics
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"First i'm going to go home and hang with my homies then i will go rob a convience store"- Steven Hawking on "Physics"
“I like Swords”
~Fighter on Physics
"In my many travels, I met an old man and he said "If you know physics, you know me"" -Jonathon Ross at New Year 2008
Physics (also referred to as fizziks, fisix, fyzix, f6, physucks or fzx) is a popular STD and a religion with a large following, despite its main principals being totally ridiculous (critics will draw comparisons to such fairy tale beliefs as Mormonism and maths) . Although adherents can be found throughout the world, it is most devoted to by the socially unpopular educated classes in Western Europe and French Polynesia. It is based largely on Christianity, with Albert Einstein replaced as Christ. Einstein later became a great figure in Bra Burning Movement and was awarded another Nobel Prize for his contribution to lesbian rights. In recent years, since Einstein's death, a new "Christ" has risen up in the form of Don Richards, a physics teacher who has the power to dodge bullets by calculating the bullet's velocity, length, and speed. When encountered with DRich, do NOT make any sudden movements, as it will trigger his defense mechanism (See "Galactical Implosion"). Why this particular posture was adopted we do not know and an answer to this question has long been termed "The Ultimate Answer" or "The Holy Grail Of Physics" by physicists.
The Max "Steven" Weinberg's paradox, whether the graviton, or the wave it produces, should be considered as the immaculate endorser, and the immobile object, or not, has divided the Physicist faith into several sects, including The True Church of Natural Philosophiae founded by charismatic preacher George W. Bush, and the Real and Living Brotherhood of Particle Phenomenology, lead for decades by the iron willed dictator, Oprah Winfrey. Physics is less a science, and more a religion, unlike Christianity or those things that live on sharks. Scientology involves physics but it also involves alien souls and $5000 membership, so, like, y'know, bugger it.
Physics was catalogued in its entirety 1843 by Sir Thomas Shithead, the emigré time traveller, inventor of the Magnox fuel cycle and physicist. He described how he had travelled to the future and catalogued all of human knowledge from the year 2944 on an immensely complex submolecular electronic storage mechanism known to him as a 'CompTron'. Unfortunately, the device for reading the CompTron, the 'CompTron Reader for Vista' will not be invented until 2943, or the drivers don't work yet or something, rendering the tiny storage device entirely useless for the best part of a millennium.
Physics can be explained here
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[edit] Etymology
Physics is the plural form of physic which is German for "Fuzzy hair" which is taken more literally by strict followers of the religion, sometimes resulting in the unfortunate hairstyles of such famous physicists as Einstein and Socrates.
Often represented in English-speaking countries by the formula:
Which shortens to E = mc^2 in the NR (Nancy & Retard) frame
Where E represents an Erlenmeyer flask, mc represents Hammer and 2 is shorthand for "2."
Another form of the equation is:
Please note that Physics should not be confused with biology, chemistry, or geology, but should always, in all circumstances, be confused with mathematics. Richard Feynman, a famous US Physicist who worked on the Manhattan project, and many women, stated "Mathematics is to Physics as Masturbation is to Sex".
To become a physicist, one need only submit paperwork and pay an annual fee to the appropriate diocese. (Such as the American Physical Society, the Institute of Physics, or the Deutsche Physikalische Gesellschaft.)
To become a physicist, an adherent is required to spend between 8 and 12 years as a novice (or n00b, to use the Physics terminology). At the end of the novitiate period, the applicant is forced to perform stage tricks and prepare foods for a formal gathering of church elders, who then must choose whether to ordain or ceremonially execute the novice.
To become Lord God Physicist, one must be fluent in atleast 17 and a half languages, have a master-like knowledge of physics and be able to bend its laws at a whim, along with being unanimously voted into office by the Physics Tribunal of Sour-Pusses (a tough crowd to please).
After election, one must go through rigorous psychological training to prepare oneself for the zen-like patience required to control the entire Church of Physics.
[edit] Constants
In Physics there is a constant need for constants. Constants are like variables but unlike being constantly variable, constants are not variables albeit constants being variables in a constant form never the former.
Graduate level physics (fyzix) majors are required to take the Constant Universal Numbers course (CUN-Fyzix) in order to learn old and assign new contants. They are also required to regularly shop at the Ideal Hardware Store in order to get materials for constructing their problems.
Loads of constants are constantly being tested for consistency, for may the constant be found to be even slightly variable chances are that it will be revered to as constantly being a variable and not a constant. The determination that a constant is not, in fact, constant but more variable does not make the constant a variable by default. If the region where in a constant that is found to be a variable varies constantly, the constant can in most case still be viewed as a constant.
The constant is thought to be invented in 700AD by Emperor Constantine in the city of Constantinople which is rather ironic since the city is best known for being totally inconsistent with regards to its name (Byzantium, New Rome, Constantinople and Istanbul).
[edit] Origin
Some argue that Gordan Freeman is the original creator of physics, but others argue that a crazy german man with funny hair did. Some day we may find out but for now no one knows who the creator really is
[edit] Famous constants
- Gravitational constant 6.67*10^-11 (some weird unit)
- Tony Blair is a poodle (pot noodle)
- Anti-gravitational acceleration (1.337 x 10^n00b)m/s^2
- Speed of light (3 x 10 x 100 x 1000 x 100) m/s or 186000 miles/sec (Pretty fucking fast)
- Speed of dark (900000000000000 x 10 ^ -5)(-m/s)
- Speed of gossip (9000000000000000 x 10 ^999 ^999 ^999)(words/s)
- Speed of bad news (really really big, like bigger than this Really Big Tree)
- Pi. 3.14 exactly
- ((Beauty of a girl) * (Brain) * (Availability))/(amount she will talk about her cat) = 1.0 x 10^0
- Avogadro's Number (Not to be confused with Avacardo's number i.e. 1 is 1 too many) 6.022 x10^23(atoms)
- Understanding what the hell your teacher is talking about when in physics class: 0% Probability (divide this by 2 when failing every single test)
- More helpful constants: Planck Constant: 6.63 x10^-34, Universal Molar Gas Constant: 8.31 J mol^-1 K^-1, Rate of Change in Interest in Physics: [delta]monotiny of work xlimit capacity of human brain
[edit] Not so constants
- Tyler Talaga fucking rules harder than a lumberjack.
- The amount of constants.
- Variables that are not constant.
- Not constant variables.
- The speed of sound, light, pseudogravity, and antipseudogravity superduperpsuedoantireduxgravity to the 2nd power.
[edit] Breaking the Physics
So far only three people have been known to break the physics. In the first recorded incident, Conservative Overlord Darth George and his sidekick Right-wing Ricky, after using a modding cheat on an online game, were able to defeat the virtual Robert Oppenheimer, which was before believed to be impossible. This resulted in the destruction of physics as it was formerly known, and created a New Physics, ruled by Darth George, and to a lesser extent, Right-wing Ricky.
[edit] Known Theories and Laws
This one is the main theory of physics, and all its foundations rest upon it. The inter-physicians relationships rest solely upon this theory alone.
- Samahiaka Physics
- Physics Act of 1603
- Unified Law of Subsequent Albums
- Quantum Monty Hall problem
- String Theory
- So That's What You Kids Call It These Days
- Particulate Atheism Resonance Theory II
- STL
- Murphy's Law
- Sod's Law
- Einstein's Theory of Relativity
- The Patriot Act
- Lucas' Theory of Maximum Special Effects in Movie Productions
Samahiaka Physics are complicated because they rely on converting all numbers in the samahiaka unit of measure "S" before continuing to solve the equation. The conversion formula can be found at thesamahiakas main page.
[edit] Nerds and Geeks
Physics geeks have black straight hair, spots, IQs of 135 or higher and look like less attractive versions of Paul Smith models.
Physics nerds have frizzy brown or ginger hair (the color, shape, and consistancy of pubic hair- see above), IQs of 100 or higher, Iron Maiden T-shirts and look like less attractive versions of ugly people.
There is also rumor of the physics female. This is, of course, myth and legend; similar to the Yeti.
[edit] See also
- Five Universal Forces
- Physics doesn't exist, its all about Gnomes
- Einstein's Theory of Relativity
- Sexual Physics
- Fart Physics
- Physics according to Naruto Uzumaki
- Cake physics
- Freshman physics
- Newtonian Physics
- Einsteinian Physics
- Phypwns Whoever wrote physucks is a noob.
- Particle Physics
- Participle Physics
- Low Probability Physics
- Physicsaurus
- Half-Life
- Molar heat capacity
- Dispersion
- Automatic control
