Piano
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“I can play a phrase in 512th notes with my eyes closed. I am better than you.â€
~ Jordan Rudess on his ability to play the piano.
“My digital piano is WAY betterâ€
~ Bill Gates on pianos
“In Soviet Russia, Piano plays YOU.â€
~ Russian Reversal on Pianos
“Pianos have black keys and white keys.â€
~ Captain Obvious on Piano Keys
“You got the Piano! Oh yes!.â€
~ Doom message board on The Piano
The piano (Italian piano-forte (lit. "40 pianos")) is one of the class of musical instruments referred to as the "Big Keyboard". They usually run on either electricity, magic (derived from the excess fat of Britney Spears), or The Biggest Loser contestants in giant hampster wheels. Pianos are deployed from very tall buildings, whereupon they are propelled by gravity (or, if the target is of a higher elevation than the building, rockets) onto the target's head, usually resulting in instant death. These weapons of mass instruction are used by the class of combatants known as pianists, a subspecies of keyboardist.
Contents |
[edit] The First Piano
Pianos were originally created to justify elephant killing, and the chopping down of rare trees. Later they appeared to be beaten by the harp-his-chord.
The first piano, Piano-one, was built and launched in 1521 by Ivan Pedkoff. The design included a board made by sellotaping together 32 identical ivory cubes and 32 identical ebony cubes. For some reason this Piano was hugely popular in Russia. Thousands of drunk Russians would line up in front of Pedkoffs house every Saturday whooping and hollering with anticipation. Most of them passed out, froze to death, or were incapacitated in drunken brawls before they even saw the Piano-one. Those who did make it into Ivan's house would be treated to a concert in which Ivan would play his 8 Movement Opus entitled Canon socks in D Minor. This ground breaking composition would later evolve into the tune we now call Heart and Soul. This was the start of a new industrial revolution.
[edit] Evil Piano Makers
Pianos became consistently more complex with each passing revision, as Piano makers strove to find a practical use to properly justify killing elephants and rare trees.
Several Piano Makers employed popular musicians of the day to create sonatas and concertos for "concert Piano". Concerts during which these were performed were at first well attended, but quickly led to the downfall of classical music, when people realised that no musician on earth could make a set of ivory cubes inlaid with varying numbers of ebony dots (Piano-Fifteen) sound any good at all. The rise of popular music began in an effort to maximize the impact of this momentous realization, although some argue that all those shenanigans on stage were really just meant to pick up girls, or boys if that's the way you lean.
[edit] Continuing Development
More justification for killing elephants and rare trees was needed, and pianos therefore became ever more elaborate. Eventually other ingredients were added, and Piano-Twentytwo was born, whch was made entirely from ivory and ebony triangles, held together with cabbage. Later, further elements were added, including piano wire, invented 500 years earlier by a man who wanted something with which to garotte people.
By 1936 many British pianos were kept in public houses in the east end of London where they were unfortunately vulnerable to damage during the Blitz on London's docks and factories that formed the second act of World War II. Following the outbreak of peace in 1945, a section of the merchant fleet was converted to become Piano Ferries which discreetly redistributed pianos from defeated Germany, Belgium, and parts of occupied France to damaged districts of London. One of the main berths was renamed the Surrey Keys due to an accident with a dockside crane. After 1951, when local musical demands had been satisfied, the shipping-line began to transport cars, trucks and passengers.
[edit] Breakthrough
Just as the elephants and rare trees began to run out, Piano-Forty was made. By some astounding coincidence, the previously composed concertos and sonatas sounded really quite good on this particular piano.
As there was no real need to justify killing elephants and rare trees anymore, all subsequent pianos were modelled on the Piano-Forty, and cheap plastics were often used in place of the (by now very rare) ivory and ebony.
Though a popular instrument in modern music, piano players are frequently bitter and twisted individuals as no one ever sleeps with the piano player in a band. Oh sure, they'll sleep with the brain dead drummer or guitarist, even the smelly overweight bassist but not the guy who can actually read music, play the instrument properly and knows how to wash himself!! Shit, what does a guy have to do?
[edit] Key Layouts
As the piano has grown more and more elaborate, a few different layouts for the keys have emerged. The original layout was set by a still unbeknownst man who arranged them in successive order, A through G, Sharps (#) and Flats (b); such that the piano is arranged a little like a musical staff. This layout is referred to as Qwerty, after the rare bird.
A few hundred years later, Czech composer Antonin Dvorak created a new style of keyboard. He proposed that the most commonly used notes be placed nearby one another so that one's hands need not stray too far from what he liked to call the "Home Octave", being the natural postition of one's hands when playing.
[edit] The Forbidden Keys
A set of 8 keys are kept locked up in a small box alongside a complete McFly CD collection. They are currently kept in 123 Southwestern Avenue, Kensington, London, UK. Their current whereabouts are a secret (in the attic, third box from the lampshade).
The forbidden keys are rightly forbidden. This is because their key "ring" causes death to those who hear it. The keys were accidentally created when a chocolate glue-stick mated with a dead fish.
[edit] The Downfall of the Piano
[edit] Trivia
Music played on only the black notes of a piano sound vaguely oriental. This is due to the method of coloring the black keys, the tears and bile of Chinese women are combined in a silver vat and the substance produced by boiling this mixture is applied to the keys. If the tears and bile of African American women is used instead the keys will still gain a black color but will produce an inferior sound with a gangsta quality.
[edit] International Conventions
As reported by UnNews, in late 2007 the United Nations adopted the "falling piano" as hazard warning sign in areas with possibility of piano attacks. There is, however, doubt about the intuitivity (yes, that's a word) of the warning sign; some consider it still too vague or unclear to express the grave danger of such a situation to an unprepared belowstander. Russian Prime Minister Viktor Zubkov has come out strongly against the signs, saying, "If a piano falls on you, then that's that. It's destiny. It's not that God hates you. He actually likes you, which is why he wants your death to be comical."
