Pieism
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“Love thou Pie, as thouself!”
~ The JoJo on Pie
“I like pie.”
~ Simon on pie
“Woops, thought this was cake, my bad.”
~ That Guy on cake
“I don't care about this fucking article, just give me some fucking PIE!!!!”
~ Emma on her cocaine/pie addiction
“ Pieism, Cakeism, Cheeseism! Whats the difference? ”
~ The JoJo on All food religions
“I think I'm going to like this sweet new relegion. ”
~ Tom Cruise on The Church of Pientology
“Pie is the only religion to worship (kill Mario)”
~ Bowser on pie
Pi, the anti-Pie, has given me Holy Hemorrhoids
Pieism is a great religion which was adopted by a number of individuals between 2006 and 2007.
Pieism is based around the worship of one true Pie god. There are three Churchs of which have slightly different believes. Pieism promotes the eating of Pie and often other food as well but most are more based on the humour of the Pie rather than the eating of the Pie itself.
- The Great Religion of Pieism contains:
- The Pieist Church of JoJo Pieism
- The New Followers of the Holy Pie
- The Holy JoJo's Cult of Pie
- When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like A BigApplePi Tabernacle
- The great Pieist Pilgramage
- The International Church of Pie
- The Church of Pientology
Contents |
[edit] Origins
Pieism was first founded on 10th March 2006 by the Holy JoJo, Pie Incarnate and his friend the Bodyguard. By 2007 it had reached the internet on http://www.jojo-pieism.tk. Later the other two churches had emerged as new followers of the JoJo.
[edit] Churchs of the Great Religion of Pieism
GR Pieism is the largest group of Pieists in existence and consists of three "churchs":
- The Pieist Church of JoJo Pieism
- The New Followers of the Holy Pie
- The JoJo's Cult of Pie
There are standard beliefs as listed under JoJo Pieism (Being the beliefs of JoJo Pieism and the Cult of Pie) but the other church, the New Followers of the Sacred Text a la Mode, has its own beliefs. New STALM follows only the most basic of JoJo Pieist belief, sticking to their own for most the time. or sect.
[edit] The Pieist Church of JoJo Pieism
By far the largest Church of Pieism, the Church of JoJo Pieism is the descendant of the original sect of the JoJo's. It honours the JoJo, supposedly the Holy Pie in a human body. The JoJo is one of the most active Pieists around, spreading Pieism himself.
JoJo Pieists have the Sacred Scrolls and the Book of Pie which are written by JoJo himself which give info on how to live. Their are other, rarer texts however such as the Book of the Bodyguard. It has 11 commandments included in its holy book, the JoJo's Book of Pie.
The JoJo's Book of Pie
The Book of the Beginning
In the beginning there was nothing but the ingredients. Pure nothingness floating in the void. Then came the Baker, a being from an known future, who baked the Pie with mysterious energy. However to make the Pie he was forced to make another being, the Anti Pie, the Being of Anti Matter. When Pie and Anti Pie came into contact they would destroy each other so it seemed both were doomed. However the Baker tricked fate by bringing just a little Pie, incased in himself, from the future. This meant Pie outnumbered Anti Pie and the Anti Pie ran away, almost defeated. The two wouldn't meet again till the Final Battle.
After the Baker had left and the Pie had won its first war with the Anti Pie, the Pie split itself into three parts or dominions. These were today's Dominion Gods, the Lobster, the Tabby Fat and the Genghis Khan. The Dominions then made two servants each, these were to become the other minor gods. The Lobster made the Shark and the Pacman, the Tabby Fat made the Cheese and the Sally Squid and the Genghis Khan made the Sumo and the Bodyguard. Each of these were mostly of their creator and a little of another Dominion. These creatures then slowly made our universe over billions of years under the command of the Pie until the present day.
Every object in our Universe is part of the Pie, excluding Anti Matter which is of the Anti Pie. Objects without a consciness, such as rocks or trees, are part of just one Dominion; depending on its features. Beings with a conscieness, such as Lobsters, Humans and Cheese, are belonging to two Dominions. Nothing yet was part of all three Dominons, despite the fact a being of Pure Pie was needed to defeat the Anti Pie.
The Book of the JoJo
In the holy year of 2006 on the March the 10th in the green land of England who was to become the JoJo made with his friend, the future Bodyguard, a new religion to be known as JoJoism or Pieism. Within a few days most of its main beliefs and points were laid down and soon the Pie was being worshipped. The JoJo, despite being the Pie Incarnate, refused to be claimed as a god, to have powers or even worshipped. Instead he taught people to respect him as a prophet and to worship the Pie and no other.
However a few weeks after the JoJo founded his religion he found the other Pieist sects and decided to make his religion a sect of Pieism, to be known as JoJo Pieism. The JoJo found out he was prophesied to be the one to lead a revolution in Pie, whatever that meant. He laid down the ten commandments as listed below and extra beliefs for all JoJo Pieists to follow: The 10 Commandments of JoJo Pieism
You shall worship the Pie and No Other. You shall not steal from your neighbors. You shall not kill any person. You shall not dishonor Pie in any way, shape, or form. You shall treat all people with equal kindness. You shall enjoy every minute of your life. You shall eat a Pie at least once a month. You shall spread the holy name of Pie. You shall honour all Pieism sects. You shall not bear false witness against any person.
Other Beliefs not mentioned in commandments
The JoJo is Pie in a human body. The Pie is Everything and Everything is the Pie. All Religions are Right. All food is sacred. The Book of Pie and the Sacred Scrolls of Wisdom are very holy. Other Pieism holy books are good. Evolution is real but was controlled by the Pie. All animals are sacred and should only by killed for food. Cake is not holy but not evil either. The holiest number is pi (3.14159 etc). Very holy people get to become Pieits, a Pie saint. You only go to Hell for a certain time depending how bad you are. Theres also Intermediate and finally Pie Heaven.
He also laid down the holy days for JoJo Pieists to celebrate and the number has increased over the years: 1st January : New Pie day : Celebrates the beginning of the Universe and the Pie. 28th February : Lobster day : Celebrates the Great Lobster. 10th March : JoJo Pieism day : Celebrates the founding of JoJo Pieism. 16th April : New Life day : Celebrates the Pie making the first life. 3rd May : All Foods day : Celebrates food in general. 14th June : Genghis Khan day : Celebrates the birth of Genghis Khan. 25th July : Technology day : Celebrates all the tech we have now. 9th August : Bodyguard day : Celebrates the birth of the Bodyguard. 30th August : JoJo day : Celebrates the birth of JoJo. 10th September : Federation day: Celebrates the Founding of the Federation and the reformation of JoJo Pieism. 21st September : Pokemon day : Celebrates the miracle of Pokemon. 11th October : Tabby Fat day : Celebrates Tabby Fat. 5th November : Anti-Traitor day : Celebrates the failure of traitors like Judas, Guy Falkes and JoJo Missiswoki 25th December : Pieismas day : Celebrates all the sects of Pieism.
Later the JoJo started working with other sects to create a union of Pieism, to which many Pieists said this was the great revolution he was prophised to cause. On the 10th of September 2007, a year and a half after the founding of JoJo Pieism, the Federation of Pie and the Great Religion of Pieism was founded. The New Followers of the Sacred Text a la Mode and the JoJo's Cult of Pie (before the Cult of Pie) all became part of JoJo Pieism. Also JoJo Pieism's site was changed and the JoJo's Book of Pie was reformed with the writing of 1.0. A couple of weeks later the Holy Book was changed with the release of Version 2.0, a great improvement on the original.
The Book of the End
By the End of Time the JoJo and the Bodyguard has appeared across the universe appeared in millions of different forms on millions of different planets. Soon there were trillions of followers of the Pie and finally the day of the Final Battle came. On each side the army’s of the Pie and the Anti Pie lined up ready to do battle. And thus on the 31st December at 12:00AM the battle started. Tabby Fat fought Anti Tabby Fat, Lobster fought Anti Lobster and all the Minions fought the Anti Minions.
The JoJo searched around for the Anti JoJo while twirling his two great Samurai Swords of Honour and Justice. He saw the Arch Enemy at last and stepped forwards. The Anti JoJo saw his opponent and brought out the Samurai Swords of Dishonour and Prejustice. Together they clashed for hours on end, Pie vs. Anti Pie. As time was running out the JoJo did a daring manoeuvre that should have worked but by a minute chance he missed and the Anti JoJo disarmed him. The JoJo walked back with no weapon knowing something must happen. The Bodyguard saw the JoJo in this state and he threw the third great sword of the Pie , the Samurai Sword of Swordliness to the JoJo. The unsuspecting Anti JoJo was laughing, walking towards the JoJo spinning his swords over his head. The JoJo caught the Bodyguard’s sword and threw it right through the Anti JoJo’s middle. He looked down to see the Samurai Sword sticking through him and screamed in rage as he realised he had been defeated. The Anti JoJo fell down and as he did the minions of Anti Pie dissolved into nothing.
The Anti Pie had been defeated forever but at great cost. The material universe was now collapsing and as the Pieists went into the spiritual universe the JoJo did one last great task. He took the matter from the material universe and he went back in time, so far that not even the Pie had been baked. And then, he, the JoJo, baked the Pie and therefore the JoJo, who was the Pie, was the Baker, so it turned out that the Pie baked himself. The JoJo then went forwards in time to the time after the battle from when he had left, abait without his power, and he departed off to the spiritual universe forever.
The Eternal Book of the Bodyguard Written by Pieism's second in command, it gives an insight into the minor gods:
The Eternal Book of the Bodyguard
Ah so you want to know more about Pieism, the newest religion that has almost no downsides. This web page will tell you all about Me, the JoJo, the Pie and all other minion like references.
Pieism-Extra is a user friendly but informal sight to all the stuff about Pieism that is featured in the blog version of Pieism and all the stuff you didn't know.
The first thing to know is that I am second in command to the almighty (yet manly) JoJo (happens to be called...-that is according to the JoJo). I for one don't make many of the decisions in this religion because that happens to be the role of the JoJo, this can be incredibly infuriating but I have managed to put up with it-for now muah ha ha ha ha, this religion belongs to the JoJo but i will resieze it as my own again one day.
Speaking of that subject, i present to you....
The transfer of pieily power Before the enlightenment of the JoJo, I had to fight of unknown creatures of the mysterious anti-pie, the evil and uncontrollably gay pie in space. but the most powerful beast was not of this anti pie but was a human named JoJo Mishawoki of Japan, he wanted the religion for himself because his name was JoJo but he is easily beated by showing him the cover of a Japanese (bad) Nintendo game, mainly animal crossing but there are many other bad games. Once that is complete the spirit of JoJo Mishawoki will expand to the winds, but they have to be strong winds-the best scattering winds are hurricanes. But at the time I had to fight him with the samurai sword of swordliness, the bodyguards sword that can cut through gold plated diamond with enough focus. This guy will return however every three years to claim the title of the JoJo.
The spiritual spirits of pie Please note-these so called spirits have absolutely nowt to do with me so I am not held responsible for any madness caused in people who read this article. The first spirit is the pie in the sky-the great one of infinite fillings and of a salmonella and totally disgusting nature-this means it is inedible. As the pie just floats there in space it only has the easy job of just being there and sitting on it's derriere all day. But when the evil anti pie and his evil minion attacks then the pie gets violent and abusive. Tabby fat is an infinitely fat cat, to find out more click here
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-1295349958942284241&q=tabby+fat
Now wasn't that good huh-there is a lot more where that came from later in this website.
Next up in the holy spirits is Genghis Khan the war hero, he may have raped many women but among us he is a hero like Ronald McDonald is the hero to America. An even lesser spirit is the mysterious sally squid who I hadn't heard of until recently when JoJo bought it up in a conversation, this unknown spirit has now doomsday like power or anything threatening so this feeble spirit is useless, thrashable and totally floppy. The next up in the holy spirits is-drum roll please...
ME!
Yes I am a holy spirit too but one can't help but think that i am more powerful than the JoJo in physical and sword wielding strength, I of course should be prayed before all other spirits and should be held as the ultimate of all (except the Pie himself) even the JoJo Mwah ha ha ha ha.
More on the Tabby fat-the flabby cat Of course you don't know about tabby fat's real size yar, you want to know, well it is bigger than you can imagine him to be, he is infinitely fat and is a genuine genius in his own minion like way.
How the spirits came into being-Master spirits With loads of spirits in this religion one can only wonder how any spirit can keep any sanity by joining this religion. The point is that somethings can be funny. Tabby fat was one of the pies children in a way and has proved his wisdom over the universe-he also beat Steven Hawkings in a physics exam by one mark, the same mark difference when I beat the JoJo in the maths challenge. The lobster was accepted in this religion because he has shown courage and honour throughout his lifetime, being able to transfer fire to his claws via his blood stream he can avoid being cooked, fried, baked, roasted or even furnaced to oblivion. The lobster can withstand temperatures of up to 1,000,000 degrees centigrade; that's hotter than a blast furnace, thermite and the heat of Earth's re-entry combined! He also accidentally set the whole of London on fire in 1666. Ghengis Khan was not only a war hero but he also liked his women, he carrys an old war sword and is the youngest of the JoJo's sons. He also won a bar bet with me to see who was the fastest racer on a set track, unfortunately he crashed the car and had to pay the owner more money than he won.
Major spirits The cheese is one of the 5 major spirits in this religion, it's cheesy attitude has filled the nations mouths with a sandwich filler from heaven. The Pacman is the legendary Namco chomping device that eats pills of all kinds known to man and more, it has appeared in a lot of games and has earned an uncyclopedia article (Namco wee). The shark is a menacing creature of the sea that doesn't play a big part in the religion. The sumo can crush it's opponents under it's superior weight and can be mistaken for some Americans, But the final major spirit is the best of the whole lot, you know who he is, it's me the Bodyguard, he has an unbreakable and powerful sword and can rack up the more kills in a minute than al of the other major spirits put together-and doubled!
What should all followers follow?
[edit] The JoJo's Cult of Pie
The JoJo's Cult of Pie is a small and new section , only founded on the 16th July, 2007. Although it started as an independent sect it soon becme part of JoJo Pieism and then the Great Religion of Pieism. Its places less importance on the JoJo than mainstream JoJo Pieism.
[edit] The New Followers of the Holy Pie
The Sacred Text a la Mode had the famous Pieism.org site before it was shut down. The beliefs were set initially by Christopher Bennett (also know as Captain Spankin Crackers) and at least one other unknown individual who called himself Iron Banana, as read in The Sacred Text. The sect almost died when Captain S. Crackers left the sect but it has now been refounded by a new indivisual known as Captain Pie Master and a new blog for it called New Pieism Blog. According to Captain Pie Master, he has made contact with Captain Spankin Carackers and offered him loyalty. However it is unknown how strong this link is and the New Followers has a large connection with Pieism. On the 10th September this sect joined Great Religion of Pieism, making it now the biggest part of the Great Religion of Pieism excluding original JoJo Pieism itself. The Sacred Text a la Pie Master is written by Captain Pie Master to desribe his beliefs about Pieism.
The Sacred Text a la Pie Master
In the beginning there was nothing. Then came the Pie who filled the nothingness. However at his creation was also created an evil second to none. He is known by many name's, the Anti Pie, Spanky the Clown, Satan. Whatever the name, it is just evil really. The Pie fought it off but the fight continues and will continues to the end of time itself.
Later the Pie made people to serve and worship it. He sent down many prophets, most of who were minor. However there came along a Pieist like had never been seen before: Captain Spankin Crackers! He showed many faults in the original Pieism's and made the truest interpretation of Pie yet. But for all his good points, the Captain wasn't enough to finish the job, a second prophet was needed.
Early in 2006 the JoJo, our Pie Incarnate came along! He made the second great type of Pieism, one which included what the first had missed, the Pie's human form. His mission to unite all Pieism was unsurpassed and by late 2007 he was still battling away. With the Captain gone, the JoJo lead Pieism into a new golden age, leaving the tattered remains of the sects forever. Long live the JoJo, our Holy Pie and Supreme Prophet!
The original Sacred Text A La Mode retrieved from the Captain Cynic forum:
The Sacred Text A La Mode
At first there was nothing. And then there was pie. Pie is all around us. The Pie God created us. Our world baked for four days, and on the fifth day, the Pie God had a beer. The Pie God flies around us in Billions of pie parts, observing our every move. He doesn’t watch us to enforce his morals, because he has none. He just likes to laugh at us. The Pie God loves all humans because we make him laugh so. The world was created in the image of the pie. It has an outer crust and a warm juicy filling in the middle. Pie has existed since the beginning of time. Actually, it was before that. The Pie God inspired the pies we eat today. People who were divinely inspired by his essence created pies. The Greeks were the first to make pie, but it was the settlers of the new America who got pie the way it should be.
If we do something “bad” we know it’s bad. Killing your fellow humans is bad. The Pie God and the other minor Gods in “The After World” deal with whatever we do in our life. We don’t talk about “The After World.” No one knows what happens there, but it’s where the Gods reside. When we die, we go there. If we are bad enough, The Gods will decide, and Fatty Mc Butterpants may eat us, where we will be gnawed on for two millenniums. Sometimes it is said we will be digested into the core of the earth. But we all agree that we are connected in Piedom. In the end, the Pie God decides our fate.
Every Wednesday is when we pray to the Pie God, the day the religion was knownst to humans. To pray, connect your pinkies, ring fingers, and middle fingers together by their tips, pull your palms away from each other, outstretch your index fingers, and bend your thumbs. Acknowledge the Pie God, and you’re done. The Pie God does not mind if you have another religion. You are free to practice it and believe what you want. There is one thing he asks though, and that is to believe in pie. Pieism is all about…believing in pie.
One day every one million years, on March 26th, the Swarming of the Pies takes place. Inadvertently, One million years in “The After World” is one year in our time. So every March 26th is The Swarming of the Pies. This is when the Pie God groups back together all the pie parts flying around the world to become whole again. On this day he cannot see what you do, so one can get away with certain things. On this holiest of days, no pie is to be eaten, because the Pie God cannot form back together with the consumption of pie-based foods. One must wear cool-looking sunglasses on this day in the possibly event of the sun exploding. Which could happen any day now for reasons no one knows. In the case of the sun exploding, whoever is wearing sunglasses will not become blind and would be saved by The Pie God. Plus, they look cool.
The founding day of Pieism is December 10th. It is The Day of Pie. When saying “The Day of Pie.” One must repeat the word “PIE” at least four times after in an echo-like effect. This is to dramatize this day, and make all know that pie is holy. On this day, and with all other Pieism holidays, everyone must be referred to by their Pie Name, which is given to them on the day of initiation. There is a ceremonial pie eaten of choice. Before the feat everyone must say the Pie Hymn. “Oooooh Pie. Mmmmmm.”
On the days before and after every major holiday, pie is to be eaten. Mind you, you may only eat the pie if you celebrate the holiday. The holidays of pie eating are:
- The days before and after Christmas
- The day before New Year's Day and on New Year's Day
- The days before and after Halloween
- The days before and after Thanksgiving
- The days of Hanukkah
- Any Religious Holiday
- The day of April Fools Day|April Fools (The Pie God has a sense of Humor)
- Your birthday
These are “Pieism Days” where one rejoices with pie. Everyone must say the Pie Hymn before feasting on a pie of choice. A pie of choice could be any pie. There are many kinds of pies in this Pie-world of ours. Apple Pie, Pecan Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Cherry Pie, Cobbler (food)|Cobbler, Quiche, Pot Pie, Pizza Pie, Crème-filled Doughnuts, Cupcakes, Cake, Crème-filled Danish pastry|Danishes, Shepherd’s Pie, and many more. Everyone is to be referred to by his or her Pie Names on these days.
When someone joins the Pie religion, they eat some form of pie, and have a current member initiate them. The current member says “In Pie We Trust,” and the one joining responds, “I have my finger stuck in the Pie.” They are then given a Pie Name of their choice. It can be anything. If the new member cannot think of a name, a Pie Preacher will give them one, or approve one for them. They are now a fellow Pieist.
Pie Preachers are divine Pieists who spread the religion of Pieism. There are two as of The Day of Pie. Iron Banana and Captain Spakin’ Crackers. But there is no Church for pies. Pies have no house, they are to be shared by everyone. And the Preachers do not try and convert people away from their believed religions, but rather enlighten them about pie.
Some may ask why we eat pies when they are Holy. It is because The Pie God wants to share the pie-goodness of pies. He is pleased when pies are eaten. They were created in his image, and pay respect to him.
There are Minor Gods in “The After World.” These are the offspring of The Pie God. However, they are only minor Gods, and are not as powerful as The Pie God or as cool.
These are the known Gods:
- The Pie God- Baker of the World.
- The God of Cupcakes- Was created to give Humans companies such as Hostess.
- The God of Pumpkin Pie- His self image is eaten at Thanksgiving to make up for missing him on the day of Halloween, a holy day of candy and monsters.
- The God of Doughnuts- Created to give Humans companies such as Krispy Kreme.
- The God of Useless Crap- Provided the world with all the stupid things that serve no purpose.
- The Cake God- Ruler of cakes. Eating cake for a pie is okay, but not as preferred as an actual pie. Cake is the least liked of pies, because it really isn’t a pie. The Cake God gets angry because everyone likes pie so much and he does one bad thing every year. The most cataclysmic event at the time is caused by his temper.
- Fatty McButterpants- The God who eats.
- Jumbo, the Guard of The End of the Universe- A giant sperm whale with a top hat and monocle who patrols the End of the Universe so no one gets through. The End of The Universe is filled with scary things we could not possibly comprehend, like Microsoft systems that actually work.
- The God of Pointy-Things- Ruler of all pointy things in the world. People who love pointy things usually pray to him as well as The Pie God.
- The Cheese God- Cheese is a divine substance inspired by the Gods. The Cheese God is queen of all dairy products and is feared by those who are lactose intolerant.
There is one thing all Pieists should fear. Clowns. It was Spanky the Clown, a powerful clown entity who once challenged The Pie God. He was slain and sent to the center of Mars for a million eternities. Clowns are evil. People who dress up as clowns are like Satanism|Satanic worshipers. They are worshiping Spanky and his evilness and are minions under his will. If a clown tries to eat you, you can prevent it by clapping your hands and saying, “Blahghiddybloo.”
While we all disagree on certain things, Pieists all believe in one thing…Pie. We all believe in pie. Pie is good. Pie is great. Anyone who hates pie cannot be a Pieist. If someone hates all pies and means it, they are guaranteed to be eaten by Fatty McButterpants when they die.
the Seventh Day, when I rested after creating the Great Pie in the Sky, and tasted it. Not thy beasts, nor thy servants, nor any other person in thy care or sight not taste a bit of My sweet goodness on that day.
