Pigeon
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“Pigeon Fancier just means someone who owns pigeons”
~ Furs on excuses to tell you're wife when she's seen your browser history
“Damn flying crap factories!”
~ Oscar Wilde while walking through Central Park
A pigeon (not to be confused with the piegon) is a mammal that is commonly eaten in the form of porkeon. Pigeons are part of the family of mammals that either have or do not have trunks, like squirrels. The characteristic sound that the pigeon makes is like oink, oink, oink, for which reason many pigeons have traditionally been locked up in clinics, for it was considered inconceivable that normal people would make oink-like noises like that. Pigeons have also been known to be evil little buggers and should all be destroyed whenever you see them. There are already many agents working for PHLB or Pigeons are Horrible Little Buggers. Many are disguised as elderly folk feeding pigeons but they are actually secret agents throwing out little cyanide-covered peanuts. If you ever see a pigeon please run to the nearest pile of crap and tell him that there is a code 1062 in progress.
Since Sigmund Freud it is widely accepted that the oink-like sounds that the pigeon produces have deeper psychological motivations, that are mostly related to the procreation of the species.
Venice used to be full of pigeons until the PHLB headquarters was centered there yesterday. The Pigeon's favorite food is flaming hot cheetos. There is a half-cat-half-pigeon. It is the chosen one of pigeons and will lead them to war against humanity on February 22, 2222. It has a cat head with wings and pigeon feet. It is likely to scratch people on sight. We have already lost millions of Secret PHLB Agents to its demonic powers. Its real name is unpronouncable in any human language, but it is commonly known as Bkdoknghimersonman Phaleone. It is constantly watching for secret agents to poop on at the park with its acidic poo of doom.
Pigieons also like poop on you! And they peck your head until there is a hole in it and sucks out you brain and transforms into you and acts like you! So when you see a pigieon... get a big gun and shoot it!
It is pigeons' hobby to shit on anything they can: mainly your car is targeted but nobody is safe. Once, my friend had a pigeon poo in his mouth on the way to school, you may think this is hiarious (like i did) but soon this will be happening a lot more often.
Pigeons are extremely dangerous.
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[edit] Akhila Venkat-Raman=
cheif pigeon- ginge festish
[edit] Cycle of Life
The pigeon cycle of life is still a secret to mankind, although various different theories try to explain it. The most common is the "Spin and Burn" theory, named after the initial and final rituals of the pigeon's life.
Reproduction:
The pigeon mating ritual, according to the "Spin and Burn" theory, is indeed a very curious one. A full grown up male pigeon is able to receive high-frequency electromagnetic waves that the grown up female pigeon sends through its left leg. When the male pigeon comes within approx. 10 inches of its partner, the electromagnetic waves start to fuzz its brain and it can do nothing but spin around its axis, making a strange, low-frequency noise. The intense rotation creates a vacuum around it, sucking the female pigeon close. Fifteen seconds after this process, the female pigeon lays an egg. Ten seconds later, a new pigeon emerges from the egg. The newborn will need 90 seconds to achieve a fully grown up pigeon size and weight.
Pigeon Life:
The pigeon's life comprised of four different actions: Eating, Escaping, Mating and Conspiring. The initial stage is the Eating stage, during which the pigeon tries to eat anything that lies in the ground. This stage moves to Escaping as soon as the pigeon notices any moving creature bigger than itself within a five meter radius. Occasionally, it enters the Mating stage, when its left leg starts emitting electromagnetic waves (female case) or is attracted by other pigeon's waves (male case). The Conspiring stage is shrouded in secrecy, but it's commonly accepted that a pigeon starts conspiring against mankind as soon as its fat weight is equal as 2/3 of its total weight. In this stage, it starts to control people's minds, making them rob, rape, kill, and often feed pigeons. However greed sometimes over-comes them and they get ran over by vehicles because they're too fat to escape. While experts are still researching the subject and have not yet officially accepted the theory, many people are convinced that pigeons able to change into human shape.
Death:
The end of the pigeon's life is compatible with its complexity. During their final moments, pigeons use their accumulated fat to start an anus-based lipid-combustion engine, reaching escape velocity (approx. 3*10³ m/s) and then flying into space. The pigeon's body incinerates and its ashes fall back to earth, often starting fires in forests and farms. The Burn Death of the pigeons is well accepted by the majority of experts, especially because none has ever found pigeon fossils or any other kind of remains. There is a small group of experts, however, who believe that pigeons are immortal creatures.
Pigeons that are fat are also known as alex pigeons. sorry to all you alex's but its true. Pigeons that are skinny are emo pidgeons and cut their selves with knifes. When they cut their selves blood doesn't come out. Actually radioactive shit flys out of their cut.
[edit] Mind control
It is thought that pigeons can carry out mind control. They just haven't shown us yet. Of course, they do show signs of some form of psychic ability (which is just one reason why the Derren Brown is a pigeon argument started), as seen when they stand in the middle of a road and stare into the driver's eyes until they drive off the road and into a local volcano or toxic crocodile/sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads pit. Another sign of their mind control, if you noticed, is that upon watching a pigeon (usaully two) run around that the tune from the Benny Hill show seems to find its way into your head. They want you to humm it! Those mind reading bastards!
[edit] What Happens If They Take Over The World?
It's not nice to think about, I know, but they will eventually. Recent studies have shown that pigeons can take on the form of humans (an example of this would be John Prescott) and this will give them the advantage over us, as we can't change form. When the inevitable happens though, the best thing we can do is just get our rifles out, and shoot everyone who walks funny.
The Rarest form of pigeon: There are are numerous forms of pigeons but the one that stands out of the crowd is the usmanei shafilingus which is a cross breed between a pregnant cow and a bent stick, no-one has still discovered how the stick intercoursed the pregnant cow but it is believed that the stick had a hollow pigeon like penis which can penetrate the thickest of the thickest metal in the world. one man who claimed to have seen the usmanei shafilingus said the neck of the pigeon creature was especially bent, the man karim abdul who saw usmanei said he had to rotate his head 90 degrees to see the first inch of the creature then another 45 degrees to see the creatures eyes, " i had eye pain after staring at the creature then i thought about killing myself afterwhat i saw, even my ugly dad would be afraid" quote. the usmanei can be spotted in the most urinanted places in the world like france or belgium, it eats mushy peas for lunch and human penis for supper. it is also known to have particurlaly deformed eyes which look opposite ways at any given time.
[edit] Kinds of pigeons
- cool como Scottish bird.
- Passenger Pigeons, extinct flightless pigeons who relied on other pigeons for flying.
- Carrier pigeons, pigeons who carry radio frequencies and were also used by Passenger Pigeons for flight.
- Rock Pigeons, pigeons who enjoy rock music.
- Homing pigeons, domesticated Rock Pigeons used as homing missiles.
- Penis Pigeon, a small pigeon in the shape of manhood, very vicous, carrys an ak47 at all times.
- Drag Pigeon, a superfast pigeon found in caves in the north east of japsenasia. shaped like a donkeys foot.
- Forest Pigeon a smaller, mostly flightless relative of the pigeon, known its large tail, tree-climbing behaviors, and tasty (though somewhat gamey) meat. Particularly hazardous, since they are not immediately recognized as pigeons by some.
- Ugandan Pigeon, a fat pigeon that can be found in Bank Vaults in Uganda. They guard the monies.
[edit] Very Important
If you manage to catch a pigeon, with out it killing you, bring it in, we need them to test on because we think all pigeons may carry bird flu and we need to stop it spreading so bring it to, Newton Aycliffe, Tesco Park, Little store, Near the skate park.
Pigeon species include the pink or "dale winton" Pigeon, they are made all the more striking by their chocolate-brown wings, their plumage was, according to current theories, evolved to camouflage with homosexual mud wrestlers, once common on the islands on which the pigeons exist. habbitat destruction through building on areas that previously homed Starbucks and gay night-clubs has lead to a decrease in their population in recent years. thanks to restrictions on them being moved and housed, captive breeding, as attempted at disney land (Orlando) has been impared by the fact that they, to this day, could only obtain one.
