Pingu

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pingu.

Pingu often passed monstrous kidney stones in his early life.

“He's an inspiration to us all, be we feathery or hairless.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Pingu

“NUG, NUG! N**!”

~ Pingu on his military career

“He is a penguin goddamnit”

~ Captain Obvious on Pingu

Admiral Pingu J. Penguin (1964-) is regarded by many as one of the greatest faces in military history^[1], has had a long and extremely successful life^[2], and is now known as the "greatest admiral the world has ever seen"^[3].

1 Pingu: A Biography
2 Family and Friends
3 Episodes
4 Notes

[edit] Pingu: A Biography

Pingu was born in an igloo in 1964 and was often beaten by his angry, drug-abusing father. Pingu was born with several tragic speech disorders, one of which is the "megaphone-like beak" gesture and "NUG, NUG!" sound to indicate anger, frustration or to get attention, or possibly because he is having a seizure.

As a result of his abused mother and angry father, Pingu left Antarctica for the USA in 1973, and joined the Army soon after. Although initially serving as a private in the US Marines, Pingu's obidience and tactical ingineuty let to swift promotions and Pingu climbed through the ranks. In 1995, Pingu left the USA to serve under the command of his home country in Antarcitca, and joined the Imperial Penguin Army. It was here that Pingu proved his mantle, and was quickly given command of a light destroyer, the AS Herring.

During routine patrols, a submarine mine severely damaged the Herring, and Pingu served some time as a lieutenant on an aircraft carrier before promotion to Admiral in 1993. Sadly, Pingu's grandfather died soonafter, and Pingu was put on leave to mourn his departed grandfather.

Pingu's greatest moment, many historians agree, was during the Invasion of Uncyclopedia, where he led the Army into attack, and only suffered sixty casualties and three deaths.

Pingu is currently on extended holiday in Switzerland, where a group of TV producers have created a documentary about young Pingu's early life and the experiences that proved him a true leader.

[edit] Family and Friends

Pinga is Pingu's little sister. She is currently in boot camp as a cadet, and will serve in Iraq once she gets the chance. As of 2008, she is 18 and pregnant with her first child, refusing to have an abortion.

Mother and Father. Pingu's father is a postman and partime drug dealer. As such, he constantly smokes bongs and is always loaded. He has a motorised sledge to deliver the post and drugs all across Antarctica. Pingu's mother spends most of her time at home in the igloo and chained the stove by her drunken husband. When Pingu was five, Father made Mother do a lot of the work in the home e.g. knitting, cooking and ironing while he got drunk at the bar. Nothing much has changed.

Grandpa is Pingu's grandfather. He's a whiz at playing the accordion and getting laid. He died in 1993. Pingu wept for days and wet himself.

Robby the seal is Pingu's best friend, but is confused by his budding sexuality. His name is a pun; 'Robby' is High German for 'massive transvestite'. When Pingu returned on leave, he discovered that Robbie had taken to cross-dressing and worked as a waiter at the local cafe.

Pingi is Pingu's girlfriend, though little does he know that she's basically been laid by many of his friends since his abscence, even the Fucking Scary Red Walrus™.

Pingo is a friend of Pingu. He has a long phallic beak. He usually tries to get Pingu to do wild and silly things, such as baiting hookers on the Ross Ice Shelf.

Punki is another of Pingu's friends. He's emo and slits his flippers while listening to Fallout Boy. He committed suicide in 1992.

The Fucking Scary Red Walrus™ The giant walrus that randomly pops up and scares civilians. The whereabouts of the FSRW™ are currently unknown, though scientists have theorized that a combination of global warming and banning his episode off the air may have brought about his death.

[edit] Episodes

Pinga is Born

Mother forgot about what happened in Las Vegas. Hilarity ensues.

Pingu is Jealous

Mother acts like a bitch. Pingu acts like he's got epilipsy. Pinga throws up everywhere.

Pingu goes Fishing

Pingu tries his hand at fishing, but Robbie keeps stealing food from him. After Pingu calls him a dick, Robbie cries because "he hasn't made up his mind yet".

Pingu's Dream

Pingu has one of his father's joint's before bed and has an encounter with the Fucking Scary Red Walrus™.

Pingu's Circus

Pingu tries to run away to the circus but is scared by the clowns and wets himself.

Pingu Runs Away

Pingu tries to join an orphanage but is given the boot after a week. A kindly popstar approaching her 50s pays a heck of a lot of money, sings some shit about a virgin and then grabs Pingu and runs.

Pingu and the Organ Grinder

Pingu takes a co-op program as an organ grinder, but quits soon after. Oscar Wilde guest stars!

Pingu in Charge

Pingu tries to create a dictatorship, and fails spectacularily after the U.S. 'liberate' the people of Antarctica from its communist master.

Pingu's Grandpa is Sick

Pingu realizes that his grandfather reads porno magazines.

Pingu Has Sex

Pingu has "totally consenting sex" with Jeremy Clarkson, Amy Winehouse and that guy who wrote "South Park". Unfortunately, due to a hemorrhoids issue, a rather graphic copy of "Time" magazine from 1987 and a rape alarm caused the fun to end rather quickly.

Grand Theft Pingu

Pingu is an immigrant from South East Oceania. Exiled by The Party and Big Brother and even that Winston guy who had sex with a 23 year old in the book, he has travelled far and wide carrying that red and white checkered hankie attached to a stick with all his shit in it and has finally reached Iceland.

Here, Pingu is faced with the mean streets of Iceland. Gangs of what are called "Blue Seals" to the left of him, phallic-beaked enemy penguins to the right, here he is stuck in the middle with that girlfriend he's far too young to have. He must destroy enemy penguins with his "nug-nug" beak to survive and, ultimately, get the hooker at the end. Can he do it?

Pingu Goes Gay

It is a little-known fact but Pingu has always had a crush on that blue seal. The girlfriend you always saw him walking around with was actually a cover-up for his madly gay inner feelings. This film cannot be rated.

Pingu The Communist

Don't ask why but Americans have always taken a dim view of Pingu: he comes from a cold country with no free market. That spells trouble.

Pingu Goes On The Jeremy Kyle Show (or Maury for Americans)

Pingu has doubts as to the paternity of his 3 year old daughter that he illicitly had with sister Pinga in a one-night stand against his on-off girlfriend Pingi. He reckons that in the 3 years he was with Pinga (even though it was a one-night stand: already his story is cracking), Pinga slept with over 9000 men. Which one fathered the daughter? Find out if you can!

Pingu Loses His Third Nipple

Pingu loses his notorious third nipple while surfboarding in Mother Russia (see Pingu The Communist). He then goes on an epic quest to regain his nipple which takes him across the globe. Meanwhile, unaware of the situation, Pingu's father takes up an art class where he begins his first ever love affair with a panda.