Pirate

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“Q: Why are Pirates called Pirates? A: Because they Arrrrrrr!”

~ Jean-Paul Sartre on Pirates

Maddox, the epitome of Pirates.

A pirate (Not to be confused with pie rats) is an igneous rock formation that swashbuckles, drinks rum and robs ships for a living. Other hobbies include listening to heavy metal, breathing fire, flying and killing ninjas. Pirates and ninjas have been warring for 50 million billion trillion quadrillion years.

1 Early History of Piracy
2 Magical Powers
3 Piratism
4 History of the New Model Pirate
5 The Fruity Cyber-Pirate
6 The Disappearance of Pirates
7 Indonesian Pirates
8 The Pirates versus Ninjas Debate
9 Other Kinds of Pirates
10 See also

Early History of Piracy

They aarr everywhere these days even off the coast of GA

The earliest accounts of piracy are dubious, riddled with contradictions and mingled with myth resulting in certain religions including Spaghetti Monster Worship. While there aarr legends of ill-tempered men going about hijacking seacraft going clear back to the story of creation, the first pirate who we can be confident actually existed was the dread Pontius Pirate, who lived in the first century AD.

Pontius Pirate was certainly accomplished in the fine arrt of piracy, and his feats were unchallenged for years after his passing. More important than his skill was the fact that he formalized and codified the original Pirate's Priority, namely:

Rum(but none of that Light, Clear Bacardi stuff)
Lots of booty (of both the "gold" and "female" varieties)
Whiskey
Poor Hygiene
Beer
Public Intoxication
Bourbon
Constant Sexual Innuendo (See 2)
Brandy
A love of (but not limited to): Hard Rock, Heavy Metal and Punk
Ale
complete and utter hatred of ninjas
Gin
Hatred of Peter Pan
Absinthe
Excellent typing skills
Vodka
Tasting and rating pies
Scotch
Staying away from the Sponge of the deep
Hatred of anyone that isn't a pirate,unless they have some sort of alcohol, then they are your very best friend!
Grog

These priorities galvanized the pirate movement, leading to major advancements in piracy. The changes were so important that the name "pirate" was used to describe any man who chases booty. Heretofore, pirates had been they had been known as franks after an earlier, lesser-known pirate innovator. Even before that, people had just called them jerks for their propensity for raping and pillaging.

This is not Jack Sparrow, it´s a pirate pointing at the Flying Spaghetti Monster

It is noteworthy that there is a stage at which "pirate rape," when the heretofore victim realizes the full power (Welsh brektajjakken) of the Pirate, this violent, violatory act ceases to be considered rape, but merely a particular form of winning the lottery. In fact, the term "jackpot" is derived from the act coaxing a pair of pirates or "jacks" into a threesome, or a "seaman sandwich." Jackpot made its way into gambling terminology as the prize in games of chance wherein the player was required to have a pair of jacks or better. See also "hijack" and "jackboot."

Another of Pontius Pirate's important contributions to classical pirate culture was the introduction of grog. Contrary to Popular Belief, grog is not the same beverage as whiskey, but was in fact based on an old Pirate family recipe. Grog quickly became a staple on all long sea voyages. Pontius Pirate's special blend of grog herbs and spices was later utilized by his descendant Colonel Sanders on his successful pornography plantations.

In addition to a great way of keeping your abs looking ripped, Pontius Pirate invented the letter R. To remind everyone of his accomplishment, he would shout its name whenever possible, leading many to believe that he was mildly retaarrted, or at least had a speech impediment. His invention of the letter R caught on especially well in the Orient, where both the letter R and the letter L presently arre pronounced in the same manner. Through the evolution of language, however, the spelling of the letter became "ARRRR" or sometimes "ARRRRGH!"

one of the last "Elder Pirates" Alejandro Raymundo Prieto

In addition to all of these accomplishments, Pirate was responsible for the inception of several important movements during his time, namely the heresies of Chickens and Wind. These theories, whereby Pontius Pirate respectively denied the existence of chickens and that of wind, were never actually stated explicitly, but were the basis for the Second Great Poultry Holocaust, which Pirate waged in his spare time.

Pontius Pirate was a proponent of String Theory as an alternative to wind, and posited that tiny, invisible strings were responsible for the swaying of trees and locomotion of ships. This may explain why Flying Spaghetti Monsterism and Piracy are so closely tied together - Pastafarians (followers of FSM) aarr strong believers in String Theory, stating that the universe was created in their noodly master's image. Because he kept his beliefs a closely guarded secret, no one knew why Pirate behaved this way. Ironically, Pirate died during a drawn-out anti-chicken campaign when he and his crew were stranded, perhaps out of spite, by the Doldrums of Mesopotamia. He expired cursing the ship's quartermaster for not bringing enough string for the journey.

Pirate's theories were not originally considered heresies until long after his death, but were actually part of a commonly held and well-cherished hierarchy of beliefs known as The Grand Unified Theory of Flatulence. This changed when Colonel Sanders resurrected the original concepts, revised them, translated them into Modern Norse, and brought them to the public as part of a marketing scheme for KFC. Sanders's chicken was judged too good to be true, and the ancient theories were promptly deemed heretical by the Church.

Magical Powers

Over the centuries, many ancient texts have stated that pirates were actually supernatural beings with magical powers. Although dismissed until now as Scientology, scienticians have recently proved these powers to be real. They include

Alcohol poisoning immunity
The power to see through windows.
The power to breathe fire.

Piratism

Piratism is a popular religon amongst Pirates, at the center of this Religon is the "Golden Pirate" who will one day descend from the heavens in a Massive Ship, destroy the Ninja's and turn the world into a Pirate Paradise in which Pirates pillage,rape, and drink rum for a eternity.It is commonly believed that Pontius Pirate is the Golden Pirate, and many call him the Pirate Messiah, for he will one day return and unite the Pirates into one large Pirate Kingdom.

History of the New Model Pirate

New Model Pirate does not follow the Pirate's Priority, but instead the Five pillars of pirating. The New Model Pirate initiated late in the 1649 century after Pariliament thankfully executed the King of England, who at that time was temporarily possessed by the spirit of Hideo Kojima-san, for making great game for American peoples after Metal Gear Solid 3 was released in the states. With Oliver Cromwell at the lead England entered a golden age, or as the New Model Pirates refer to it, Pax Pirata.

Oliver Cromwell, one of the baddest and best looking muthafuckas, with his parrot.

Howevef, it was not meant to last as dumb-ass House of Commons decided to disolve Cromwell's army. Cromwell initially didn't mind, until he realised that the House wanted to use a chlorinated corrosive acid to do so. A witness recorded the transgression on his PAA (Personal Analog Assistant) as follows: the House reportedly said to Cromwell, "Now this is real acid that we will be using so I want to see goggles people." To which Cromwell replied, "Ah, the googles do nothing!" He failed to see the error of his speech and as such died a wonderfully painful death, similar to the one in that one Indiana Jones movie with the cheap special effects of the guy's face melting. However, recent studies by important scientists and researchers have now thought differently about Cromwell's death. These so-called geniuses now think that Cromwell died of old age after failing his quest for immortal life at the age of 217,249 years young, seeing how he used Lewis Carrol's idea of unbirthday to mean birthday. The New Model Pirates don't mind that Cromwell failed to discover the fountain of youth, for he did find a youth fountain at a local park. After his death, the dumb fucks in England invited Chaz II of the Stuarts to come back to rule, an event the New Model Pirates seek to correct after Chaz II refused to return the lands Cromwell conquered.

The Fruity Cyber-Pirate

By the late 1700s, pirates had begun to rise significantly. In light of their situation, a self-proclaimed "leader" of the pirates, Captain Jack Sparrow, before he bowed his pretty little neck to Elizabeth Swann, called an EMERGENCY MARKETING MEETING. The meeting was held on July 4, 1776, which was of course Pontius Pirate's birthday. While there was much rejoicing and merriment, there was also work to be done. When the pirates had finished their pirate-flavored pirate cake (with a scoop of pirate ice cream, of course) they began. Of course, all the pirate dignitaries were present: Captain Morgan, the closet gay Rainbowbeard, Captain Planet, the loch ness monster, Jebus,Mr.T, and of course the jolly green giant.

As they got down to business, Capt. Sparrow realized the problem with pirating. Kids these days, what with their shiny new cars, addin' machines, and the Interweb and such, no longer sailed the seas with convenient piles of cash nearby. If pirating was to survive, a new, more modern, method of taking people's stuff would have to be created. Suddenly, Sparrow had a brilliant idea. The brilliant-idea'd pirate joined forces with the previous creator of the ever-popular Internet, Al Gore, and together they created the legendary Kazaa, a source for piracy and splendor in the 21st century.

And thus, Fruity Cyber-Piracy was born.

But Sparrow had never imagined how this would effect the music industry. His acapella band stopped selling 8 Track Cassettes and declared bankrupcy. Sparrow then had to devote his entire life to pirating.

During this turbulent time the collective groups of pirates began to split into two groups. The more flamboyant ones decided it would be cool to follow Captain Jack Sparrow and so founded The Fruity Cyber-Pirates. The remainder of the pirates, realising how stupid those Diz-nee movies really were, decided that Captain Jack Sparrow was a forthright fag and were in no way going to have their name besmirched, and so during an emergency convention the prominent leaders including, but not limited to: Dustin Hoffman, Smee, Tattoman, that one character from Time Splitters 3, I think his name's Capt. Ed Shivers, but when you choose him he goes, "Cuz' arrr, I'll crush ye barnacle, kiss me beard," and the corpse of the sea captain from the Simpsons (the convention, irritated with his constant asking "Is it more iced tea ye be needin'?" decided it best if he be present but not mortally conscious, and so he suffered in a boaking accident) founded the glorious bestest piratical orginazation ever, the Grand Old Pirates. Members of the Grand Old Pirates follow the legendary teachings of the yet-to-be born Maddox. They seem to agree with him on many subjects, including how Episode Three, or six if you count the other way, sucked big-time balls. The Grand Old Pirates sail the seven servers of cyber-space downloading anything they possibly can in an effort to "own" the entire internet.

Actual photograph from Biblical times proving that Noah was indeed the first pirate.

Ever since the schism in online piracy the Fruity Cyber-Pirates have contested the policies of the Grand Old Pirates. However, being the little queers that they are, they resort to the propaganda machine of Hollywood to release movies with an obvious left-slanted overture, especially with the current releases of the Pirates of the Caribbean failures. The original ending of At World's End involved Johnny Depp walking onto a darkened stage, sitting down, and talking to the audience about how pirating may look like fun, but it's really a bad thing. He also questions them, "Did you know that global warming will erode the ozone layer and dry up all the water in the oceans? If this happens, we won't be able to make any more of these movies you so love. So, please, for the love of our secular man, or woman entity, vote Democrat." Outraged at this, the Grand Old Party simply defeated their worthless party in the glorious election of 2000. They also released a two-pack DVD and red-ray pack, which included the Pirates movie as well as the ever classic tale, “Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe” to ensure that their business would be fair, and balanced.

The Disappearance of Pirates

Scientologists have proposed a theory stating that pirates actually evolved directly from aquatic lifeforms, hence explaining why they require warmer temperatures and proximity to water in order to survive. By a freak coincidence, their evolutionary process developed in such a way that they appear to be human. This is a common misconception, as they are a completely different species.

Another theory put forth by a 12-year research project suggests explanations that describe why pirates like shiny things. After observing the pirates, it seems that hoarding treasure is actually a basic instinct. In order to metabolize, pirates must diffuse metals into their central iron core. It is believed that traces of iron reside in the blood of pirates. By handling buried treasure, oxized metal fragments are magnetically attracted into a pirate's veins, which then flow into the iron core chamber. Conditions in the chamber are quite optimal for diffusion, reaching very high temperatures. It therefore follows that another factor in the disappearance of pirates may also be linked to the decreased amount of buried treasure available to pirates. Empirical data to verify this has yet to be found.

The 4Kids dub of One Piece, as well as the retarded depiction of piracy in the Jap manga, has also been used as a possible explanation for the disappearance of pirates.

Indonesian Pirates

Those crazy Malyzies using Polar Bears to plunder

While pirates and pirating activity are on the decline, many pirates still sail the vast ocean on the prowl for booty and plunder, found in Hong Kong and Taiwan respectively. Indonesian Pirates are renowned for having small penises and very big guns, in the hope that the large amounts of grog will imbue them with more confidence to go pick up wrenches. Indeed, the grog only really impairs their aim, thus the need for terribly big guns. Spending their days basking in the warm sun and shooting cannonballs at passing freighters, the Singaporean pirates utilize polar bears to assist them in scooping up Nike shoes and wrist watches that fall out of merchant ships stricken by the very big cannons.

It is quite possible that nothing is funnier than to be on an Australian warship at night when the Malaysian pirates attack. When they are detected on radar, multiple small boats converging on the ship at hight speed, the standard order to be given is "illuminate the guns". They shit themselves.

The Pirates versus Ninjas Debate

Main article: The great ninjas versus pirates argument

It is widely known that pirates and ninjas have a century old rivalry, and each pirate will in fact try to kill every ninja he sees and each ninja will try to stealthily kill any pirate he encounters. What is not so widely known is why these two formidable groups of warriors wish to bash each other's skulls in with sharp pointy weaponry.

There's booty to be found yarr!

As we all know pirates are lovers of riches, which they refer to as "booty" or "swag". What most people do not know is that pirates are also fond of using gold to lure masses of whores into there secret lairs to get some real booty . The problem is the following: Ninjas love to hoard their gold, while pirates love to take riches and spend them. Ninjas are masters at acquiring great deals of wealth with their secret ninja powers and trading skills that could shame There mother. For some reason, probably natural instinct they have gained at birth, ninjas also love to stockpile these heaps of treasure on islands, paint big crosses where they have buried them and then finally throw a bottle which contains a map of the island into the sea. It is but a matter of time before a seafaring pirate finds the said bottle and sets sail to the island to get some booty.

And thus we find the dilemma: the ninja wishes for his money to stay underground while the pirate tries to take it. It's a vicious cycle destined to last forever, which can only be broken by The One Pirate to rule them all.

Other Kinds of Pirates

Pirate Nun of the Catholic Church's EWTN.

There are, of course, different kinds of pirates.

Beer Pirate - The original perpetrators of party plundering and many a party foul.
Liberal Pirates - See Ass Pirate.
Conservative Pirates - One of the most effective pirate types of all, due to their tendency to plunder whole countries for booty.
Moderate Pirates - Cannot take a stand on any issue.
Ninja Pirate - A pirate that is also a ninja. This kind of pirate is extremely rare, given the natural hatred pirates and ninjas have for each other. For more information: ask a ninja.
Gay Pirates - Gay pirates trying to get a little captian to them every night?!? {noans}
Weekend Pirates - Rare pirates that have mastered the Ninja art of the Weekend proof.
Copyright Pirates - The scourge of CEOs and musicians, and the lawyer's pal.
Electro-Pirates - The roving band of magnetically-charged sea dogs wot taught Music Pirates their ways, arr.
Space Pirates - Mostly made up of giant lobster people and led by the illegitimate son of Ridley Scott, Ridley.
Puddle Pirate - Steals illegal drugs from drug runners on the high seas.

Puddle Pirate in its natural habitat.
Steve the Pirate - 75% pure pirate.
Pieter Jan Pirates - These pirates are mostly plundering peanutbutter-factories. They behave very strange because they're addicted to the drug: bread.
Pilates - Chinese variation
Pirates of the Mediterranean - the little known documentary about the Cordinian people during the Viking age.
Pontius Pirate - The Roman Empire's finest sea captain!
Maddox - Self explanatory
The One Pirate - Lord of the Pirates
Ass Pirates - Pirates that search for "Booty" on the Sea.