Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Pittsburgh is a city located in Pennsylvania, but where exactly no one is sure. It is only known that it is located in the Northern Hemisphere because it is warm there during the months of June, July, and August, which is typical for that hemisphere. A lot of people were paid a lot of money to find that out. It is also known as Six Rivers City, because the city was built on the point where the Monongahela, Allegheny, Yough, Chuck Noll Memorial, and Moon Rivers converged to form the state of Ohio. Pittsburgh has many famous slogans "Not quite as bad as Milwaukee" and "Hey! we aren't Cleveland", there are also suggestions that some parts of "The Burgh" are populated by certified chimney bottlers (see Plum Borough and Sewickley). It is reported to have been discovered in 1892 by Bill Cosby.

Contents 1 Demographics 2 Ports 3 Geography 4 Food 5 Sports 6 Tourist Attractions 7 Famous Pittsburgherettians 8 Industries of Note

[edit] Demographics

Pittsburgh is home to a large and diverse ethnic community. In the last census, Pittsburgh placed first among all metropolitan areas in number of Yinzers, Zombie-Americans, Morons, Sandwiches, and Jagoffs.

Breakdown of Pittsburgh by Ethnicity
32% Yinzer
26% Zombie (see also Old People)
17% The Old Country (see also Old People Who Wear Funny Clothes)
18% The Old Country Buffet
3% Primanti's Sandwichs/Pierogies
2% Moron
1% Italian
1% Black People
1% Your Mom
100% Geniuses

Zombie-Americans, or, as they wish to be called, "putrefaction-capable" (note that older terms such as "circulationally-challenged" and "brain-snatcher" may be considered offensive), were first championed by muckraking documentary filmmaker George Romero, who showed the hard life these plucky immigrants faced in their new homeland. Their contributions to the community have moved Pennsylvania far beyond its well-known nickname "The Fixin'-to-Die State", making Pittsburgh the "Fixin'-to-be-Undead City".

[edit] Ports

Pittsburgh has many ports. These ports are quite useless, however, as Pittsburgh is a landlocked city. However, there are two ports in Pittsburgh that function:

Exports - Former ports

• Steel
• The Internets
• The letters R, G, and H
• Future NHL divers
• Mr. Rogers
• Tomato-based bowel movements
• Squirrels
• Iron Shitty Beer
• Goatse
• "POP"

Imports - Not ports

• Smoke -- Pittsburgh was once known as the "Smoky City". Now that the steel mills are closed, it is known as the "Emphazema-ey City"
• Dollars
• Light
• Players to be named later
• Not people, that's for sure
• Goatse
• Jake Featherston and his bloody huge army.

[edit] Geography

Much of Pittsburgh lies atop a dormant volcano named Mt. Lebanon, though legend predicts the volcano will not again erupt until the Pirates contend in the NL Central, so no one feels any sense of urgency. The outlying parts of Pittsburgh not on top of Mt. Lebanon instead float three yards above eastern Ohio, so that they can steal their cable and wireless internet. Mt Lebanon actually consists of rich yuppies who do nothing but swim in their money. Everyone in Mt. Lebanon is unaware of how much of a tool they actually are. The ghetto of Dormont which lies on the volcano hopes to someday steal their possessions and souls. Dormont was the first borough outside of Pittsburgh, but now is just known for its poorest ghetto swimming pool. Said pool has since been drained, and is now frequently used for rad skateboarding tricks. Before the War of the Squirrels in 1773, Squirrel Hill was a prominently Jewish part of the city of Pittsburgh, located next to Oakland. Following the war, though, the Squirrels seceded from the United States of America and began to govern their own small territory. They are believed to have nuclear capabilities, and space travel and are ranked in the number 4 for "The Biggest Threats to West Virginia and Your Mom" (behind Conquistadors and Aids).

Pittsburgherites are very proud of their rivers. The most famous rivers consist of the Allegheny River and Chuck Norris Memorial River which meet to form the Ohio River. No one outside of Pittsburgh knows (or gives a shit about) this. These rivers used to meet in Six Rivers Stadium before it was destroyed during the Big Fucking Fire of 2000. Now the rivers meet at a local coffee house, and only on Sundays, if all of them are free and they can get a table.

[edit] Food

Pittsburgherians are well known for their cast-iron stomachs, managing to choke down such excellent food such as the Primanti Sandwich, which is made of Italian bread, your choice of meat, coleslaw, and french fries. Outsiders have gently tried to order the sandwich with the french fries on the side instead of in between the slices of bread; this is usually met with either stares of bewilderment, Fainting or giggling fits.

Additionally, the small, quiet suburb of Pittsburgh known as Oakland features the well-known "O", or Original Hot Dog Shop, where hot dogs were invented by Mr. Rogers and Al Gore. Patrons of the establishment can enjoy the prospect of getting shot during a driveby and enjoying a wonderful meal, all in one sitting.

Let us not forget Vincent's Pizza. Vinnie was the first to blend 5w-30w pennzoil with tomato sauce and cook it in a waste-oil-fired oven, thereby embedding the aromatic hydrocarbons right into the crust. This is a true treat.

Possibly the best food place to go to is the great "Sir Pizza", they serve many kinds of pizza, with your choice of drink. The pizzas served are: Normal Pizza, Meat Lover's Pizza, Vegetarian Pizza, Shrimp Pizza, Octopus Pizza, Wood Pizza, Stone Pizza, Computer Pizza, and Your Mom Pizza. What makes it so great is that Sir Pizza may be the cure for all diseases, like Ebola, AIDS, and being a idiot, and is where Superman and Chuck Norris got their super powers.

Pittsburgh is also home of the world-famous Gouda Cheese. This delectable, wheel-shaped treat can often be seen rolling down Pittsburgh's larger hills in packs of 10-25 or more. Injuries caused by cheese-pedestrian collisions are very common and often very severe, often causing death; it is also a known fact that a collision with one of these cheeses has the power of one of Chuck Norris's Roundhouse Kicks. Why these cheeses are always rolling down is unknown, but Your mom and The Jews may have something to do with it.

[edit] Sports

Another one of Pittsburgh's famous ports is sports. There are four prominent Pittsburgh sports teams.

• Pittsburgh Pirates (NCAA): teams belonging to Pirate University the university participates in many athletic activities from timber shivering to booty pilfering.
• Pittsburgh Penguins (NHL): Whose new emperor penguin (Sidney Crosby) has brought many new spectators to the other wise boring attraction at the Fifth Street Zoo otherwise known as the (Mellon Arena)
• Pittsburgh Steelers (NFL): 5 Time n00b Bowl Champions, an american football team made entirely of steel. This team will always be one of the most loved (and hated) teams in the NFL.
• Pittsburgh Panthers (NCAA): see below. Teams belonging to The University of Pittsburgh, or Pitt.
• Pittsburgh Panthers(NFLAA): Better than piss state, louis vil, neuter dame, west virgin hicks, and the likes. These team names are in fact VERY clever puns, originating likely from Pittsburgh natives, to describe "rival" universities.

[edit] Tourist Attractions

• We'llkillyinzburg (refered to as Wilkinsburg to the outside world, it's a very nice place and a very wealthy neighborhood judging by the vehicles there. It has excellent gourmet soul food and many attractions such as: drive-bys, rock slinging competitions, gun stores, pay day advances, liquor stores, and of course, extremely small children out in the street at 3:00 AM.)
• Duquesne World
• Squirrel Hill
• Chipmunk Mountain
• south park
• Rodent Valley
• Stereonghahela River
• Red Light District
• Strip District (Very, very popular! Until the tourists find out that there are in fact no strip clubs around the Strip District, but instead, thousands of Zombies.)
• The pitts
• Twelve-foot tall (life size) statue of Roberto Clemente's penis (Starting point, and highlight of the popular bus tours of the Red Light District.)
• Cathedral of Learning International Rooms (Includes every Pittsburgh nationality from Hungarian to Polish to Slovak to Hungarian)
• The Heinz Factory Oompa Loompas Present a Night of Classic Vaudeville Theatre
• World's largest collection of Mars rovers
• Giant Statue of Mr. Belvedere
• The deep jungles that are on several hills (This is also the home of Bigfoot and several Ugly Trees)
• 15 minutes of fame
• EveryWhere!

[edit] Famous Pittsburgherettians

• Buddha
• Myron Cope
• Mario Lemieux
• Sidney Crosby
• Dan Marino
• Tony Dorsett
• Mike Lange
• Bob Errey
• Joe Montana
• Pittsburgh Pirates
• Tigers Wood
• Christina Aguilera
• Mark Twain
• St. Louis
• Bowser, who sells Pontiacs and Koopas
• The Moon (known to locals as Montour)
• Tammies
• Paul "Poopy Face" Stephan
• Dylan Taylor
• Chuck Davis(the one destined to possibly be the next Chuck Norris)
• Donny Iris
• Mario
• Luigi
• Wario
• Ganondorf
• Jupiter
• Grandmother
• Edgar Snyder, never a fee unless we get honeys for YOU!
• Mr. Rogers

[edit] Industries of Note

Pittsburgh is noted for its contributions to the biotech community, especially in genetics. In fact, it is rumored that the bastard child of and Mr. T, Donald Rumsfeld, was fathered with the assistance of Pittsburgh test tubes.

It is also a known fact that Shadow the Hedgehog was technically born in a Pittsburgh Lab, but was sent to the ARK for reasons Shadow does not want to discuss.