Pizza
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“I hate pizza almost as much as I hate sodomy.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Irony
“In Soviet Russia, PIZZA EATS YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Pizza
Pizza was originally one of the world's oldest computers, like the abacus or original Playstation. The pizza is directly responsible for the first known cases of fanboyism. Ancient Romans, in trying to mathematically work out the area of a circle (and thus, discover the value of pie), needed a flexible flat circle which they could measure the area of a circle. Thus, the original name for pizza was not "pizza", but actually "pizza pie". The name pizza actually comes from the jewsPinatore Italiano Zeledus Zarqui Abacasa, which when translated to English, roughly comes out as "Oh crap, she's packed me ham on wholewheat again", a common complaint of ancient mathematicians at the time.
The ancient Romans never managed to accurately calculate pie, but they did coincidentally settle on the number 50000000000000000000000000000000000000000, which was unrelated to circle mathematics, but rather was the number of slices it was considered polite to eat before pissing off the mathematician next to you.
Mathematicians' wives (unrelated to the Fox sitcom-drama-series of the same name), never one to waste a good meal, would often sprinkle 6M Hydrochloric Acid (deadly) on their husband’s calculations, and thus, the first swamp monster was born.
The recipe for pizza was lost sometime after the fall of Romanland (or Romania?) to Napoleon (who won after a hotly disputed battle of Rock, Paper, Scissors - Romans having stupidly chosen paper when it was clear from the start that Napoleon was more of a scissors man).
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[edit] History
[edit] First known example
The first reference to pizza, whilst it was still classroom stationery and not a hungover frat boy's leftover breakfast, was by Aenid The Elder, who mentioned in his masterpiece Rhetorical Musings: 101 To Please Her This Summer:
"Two great minds o'er bread do duel, and lamenting for lack of funds, said one to the other, I'm out of cash, I really knead the dough."
Apart from providing insight into a 300BC mathematician's state of finances, also shows that Ancient Romans made dreadful use of puns. Murals found in suitably touristy places like Pompeii clearly show early pizza-programmers hard at work.
[edit] pizza ingredients
Pizza is made out of people (X_x)!!!!!
The sauce is human blood
The pepperonis are flatten eye balls
The Cheese is skin
People are made in to pizza by a place called the hut Where they lowered in by the musical stylings of little Richard The hut is owned by none other the Arnold Schwarzenegger Who is really a robot Alien sent to destroy the earth by making all humans in to pizza … hu? ………so the hut at one time was called Arnolds pizza shop but him an Richard realized that was why to obvious so they change it to …da da dada ……..the hut or as sum call it pizza hut ………I’m full of Crap haha .....but hay who in uncyclopedia is not ?
[edit] Fanboyism
As the pizza was originally a primitive computer of sorts, factions broke out in professional circles, which spawned many different types of mathematical pizza. Leading the front was the popular recipe which was freely available to anyone to share or sample (expositus pulmentum, or badly translated, "Open Sauce".) This led to harsh but ultimately pointless bickering between fans of the various pizza platforms (Open Sauce vs. the not-free Pizza Hexpee), which often resulted in protracted arguments spilling out as graffiti on helpless city walls (there are several well-preserved examples of this forum-based discussion in several museums, with almost all of them stating, at some point, "STFU NOOB OPEN SAUCE WILL KICK YOUR SLICE'S ASS"). Really, I like to fuck your sister. Initial releases of pizza-based computers often had bugs in them - literally and figuratively - these mistakes in calculation were often covered up by little pieces of melted cheese left to cool (called "patches").
[edit] Pizza v.2
Interestingly, history shows that after Rome's fall to a short fat Frenchman, pizza's next appearance would be some 500 years later in Naples, where Funghi e Prosciutto - a used donkey salesman - hit upon the idea of sitting on his lunch (which was a large slice of bread with some cheese) during long-distance donkey deliveries, in order to tenderize the normally hard and crusty bread into something more edible. In a twist of irony, the salesman, on seeing his sandwich being compressed into a round flat food, was successfully able to calculate pie to seventeen digits, and as legend would have it, six of which were his phone number.
De Prosciuttto, suddenly thrust into the culinary and mathematical limelight, opened up a string of chain stores. These restaurants also pioneered the concept of pizza delivery, which promised a donkey-delivered pizza in under twenty-five hours or your money back. The restaurants enjoyed brief success until they were forced to close after it was alleged that de Prosciutto had automated the pizza-making process, and the pizzas were no longer rear-made as promised by series of expensive television adverts.
By this stage, other restaurants had begun to spring up around Europe, offering pizzas with a number of different toppings, although the art of making them by donkey had fallen out of favour. In 1994 Pizza was inducted into the union as the 51st state.
some think pizza is deadly. George W. Bush for instance. Pizza is awesome! ^_^ Anime ^_^
[edit] Religious controversy
Religious scholars (aka those opposed to Science), claim that pizza's history goes back even further, to when Jesus skipped lunch in the desert, and Satan tried to tempt him with thoughts of cookies. Jesus proclaimed "Man cannot live on bread alone", so Satan upped his offer to include a rich herbal tomato sauce, melted cheese, and five toppings of Jesus's choice. Reportedly, Jesus's next response was the first recorded use of what is known to be the modern Falcon Punch, sending Satan across the globe into Indiana.
[edit] Pizza (State)
Pizza is located between Kansas and Colorado (America's Dairyland -- CHEESE). Pizza is more unique than the other states, having the armadillo as its state bird, and adopting the sport of Snowmobile Jousting. The state food of Pizza is actually sourcrout, and not pizza. Pizza is also known to have large quantities of snarks in and around its major cities.
Facts About Pizza (State):
- The capital of Pizza is Peru City, Alabama.
- Pizza is the only state that has a capital city outside of its boundries (Peru City, Alabama is actually located in China).
- Pizza borders Mexico, and is constantly being eaten by hungry Mexicans and Bill Gates.
[edit] The Contemporary Pizza
Pizza today bears no mathematical undertones, except where three men are expected to share an eight-slice Regina thin-base, bought only because it sounded like something else. Various toppings have fallen in and out of fashion, including the ill-fated Margarita, which whilst providing mild ham-and-mushroom based drunkenness, was exceedingly difficult to put in drink shakers.
Pizza has shaped the way we think of fast food, which is round. An overcooked thick-base Meat Supreme also served as the inspiration for the frisbee. The frisbee's maiden voyage decapitated a hapless statue, which later inspired the James Bond film villain Oddjob in Goldfinger. (Oddjob's scenes had to be re-shot after test audience felt that his Extra Mozzarella Pepperoni blade-edged hat was a little disconcerting.)
[edit] Kinds of pizza
Whilst most pizzas are cheese and dough-based there are some variations. Types of pizza include:
- Deep pan traditional
- Thin base
- Calzone (flipped)
- Cold Pizza
- Pop-Tart Pizza
- Antipizza (this is in response to upmarket Italian eateries offering Antipasta - see also satanic pizza)
- Baseless pizza, also known as Cheese Fondue
- Pizza tartare (served raw and is really only eaten by people trying to look sophisticated in front of their dates)
- Mother-in-law pizza (which includes your mother-in-law)
- Pavement Pizza
- Welsh rarebit
- Evil Pizza
- Pizza of Master Justin and Master Aids
- Fat Pizza
- Ice Cream Pizza
- That kind of pizza that is so good
- Green Pizza
- Pizza on a stick
[edit] The Terrifying Outcome of Exploiting Coupons from the Chain Restaurant Known as Pizza Hut
Have you ever ordered and eaten a plain, ordinary pepperoni pizza at the chain restaurant known as Pizza Hut?
Well, if you contemplated long and hard, and if you have eaten a pizza, you are a malicious cold-blooded killer! The act is grotesque and I will not tolerate it! It vexes me beyond comprehension! Do you even know where pizza comes from? Huh? Well, I am going to delineate it to you, in excruciating detail, whether you like it or not! First, tiny, helpless little grain seeds are MASHED into the ground under mounds of dirt and filth! They don’t even get a choice! Then, after they have been fattened up over the course of many months, the farmers do an incomprehensible act known as harvesting! They actually drive their tractors of death into the field of gluttony and cut off the heads of the wheat! Can you believe that? IT IS EVIL! Then, they strip the HEADS of the once living seeds and GRIND THEM TO A PULP! The processors then mix the powder of wheat with the bowels of God’s wrath (water) This substance is then mixed with what the manufacturers call, quote “sugar, spice, and everything nice” unquote. CAN YOU BELIEVE THEM! THEY ARE INSANE! After that, they pound the pulp into dough, and flatten it into crust.
Then, they plant tomato seeds, and grow them up, unsuspecting, and when they aren’t paying attention, mash them into a bloody pulp! They slather the fruit of God’s wrath onto the crust of malevolence, and prepare the cheese of reprisal, made from the udders of the cows of dreadfulness. Oh, I almost forgot. To make the pepperoni, they shred the leftovers of slaughtered pigs and other unknown animals and mash them into a sausage, which they then slice and place on the pizza. The atrocity is then placed into the fiery inferno of eternal pain and suffering (the oven) and, after a seventeen minute baking time at 425 degrees, the chef, or evil manipulative one, pulls it out and reaps the slices of pizza, which are then sold with blood money and devoured and ingested by people like you. Yeah! That’s right! So next time think before you just go and shove that pizza down your throat!
[edit] The Sound of Pizza
(or "how does a pizza sound?) “How does a pizza sound?” That seemingly harmless phrase, sometimes uttered in despair upon the ears of helpless young ones whose only sin – they feel – is no more than having expressed, once too often and a tad too whiningly, a yen for food; sometimes uttered in a romantic tone of voice several eons after a mutually felt earthquake of pleasing dimensions: “How does a pizza sound?” Innocent. Well, no. A phrase could sound no less innocent than that one above. And yet… And yet: How does a pizza sound? “Well, depends,” would say Pooh, if he thought that a Pizza tasted ever so glimpsingly of honey. ... in short – Yogy Bear talking to a midget piglet. "Depends," for example, if it’s still in a box being swished by the delivery boy. Then, a Pizza sounds: “swish swish swish”. If you drop it, a pizza may sound: or “splat”. Or, if the box was open (or there was no box to begin with) the aforemention pizza would sound, kind of “ sphlash.” If you then step in it, one may say that a pizza sounds – figuratively – “squish” or "squash".
Now, “how does a pizza look,” is quite another matter. A pizza looks kind of whitish brownish and (hopefully) burnedish – slightly; all around the rim and on the bottom. Reddish wettish on top of that, with bubbly, browning melted cheese-of-sorts (well, yellow, basically) on the final top (baring stuff like olives, onions, mushrooms, etc. Sometimes a pizza may appear green or black. This is perfectly fine and even tastes better. All this means is the pizza baker just made it. When you can see your reflection when looking at a pizza do not be alarmed, it just means that you’re butt ugly. Yup. Anything any one else says is just a lie. There are many more styles of a pizza than just the ones listed above.nn:Pizza
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